*Your* Take On This Family Situation

  • Thread starter Thread starter dailey
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

dailey

Guest
To make a long story short, I go to my parents house everyday. Lets just say this arrangement is not going to change. I get along with my parents fine but, at times, we get into arguments. My mom, who can be really nice and generous, also can be quite a terror. :rolleyes: I usually try to ignore her but I hate when she screams obscenities at me in front of my kids (I’m talking about calling me a f-ing “witch” but with a “b” and other lovely names.) :mad: That part I can handle…what really makes me hot is when she brings up my scapular that I have been wearing for almost 3 years. She ridicules me and says I am putting a show for people (completely untrue, I actually felt uncomfortable when I first started wearing it). Of course, she goes on about other stuff regarding me and Church, but you get the jest. Lastly, her and my dad tend to disregard my views on feeding my kids sugar/junk. They give them whatever they want…right in front of my face. 🤷

I guess my purpose for writing this is to hear how you would react/respond if this was your situation. I am hoping that I can get some good ideas. For the most part, I try not to argue or start a fight with them. But I have been known to yell back (without cuss words or name-calling). This is really upsetting for me…😦
 
Limit your visits, watch what you say, and when she start insulting you say good-bye in a polite manner and go back to your own house.
 
There is no way I would let ANYONE use that kind of language in front of my children.
 
I would never subject my kids to seeing their mother verbally assaulted by their grandmother.

Sorry for your situation. People like that don’t usually change unless you give severe consequences. I hope your mom will go to counseling or something.
 
Thanks for the quick responses! 🙂

Like I previously said, this arrangement of me going over there everyday is not going to change so I need to figure out how to deal with this (before I pull all of my hair out, LOL)!

Also, I don’t feel comfortable saying why I go everyday but I would gladly PM anyone the reason, just let me know. It might make you change your mind…
 
Is it possible to go over at a time when you don’t have to bring the kids?
 
dailey said:
To make a long story short, I go to my parents house everyday. Lets just say this arrangement is not going to change. I get along with my parents fine but, at times, we get into arguments. My mom, who can be really nice and generous, also can be quite a terror. :rolleyes: I usually try to ignore her but I hate when she screams obscenities at me in front of my kids (I’m talking about calling me a f-ing “witch” but with a “b” and other lovely names.) :mad: That part I can handle…what really makes me hot is when she brings up my scapular that I have been wearing for almost 3 years. She ridicules me and says I am putting a show for people (completely untrue, I actually felt uncomfortable when I first started wearing it). Of course, she goes on about other stuff regarding me and Church, but you get the jest. Lastly, her and my dad tend to disregard my views on feeding my kids sugar/junk. They give them whatever they want…right in front of my face. 🤷

I guess my purpose for writing this is to hear how you would react/respond if this was your situation. I am hoping that I can get some good ideas. For the most part, I try not to argue or start a fight with them. But I have been known to yell back (without cuss words or name-calling). This is really upsetting for me…😦
Click to expand...
As long as you keep showing up, you keep encouraging them.:tsktsk:
 
Cristiano said:
Limit your visits, watch what you say, and when she start insulting you say good-bye in a polite manner and go back to your own house.
Click to expand...
This but with a warning before you do it so she knows exactly why you are leaving. It is called a boundary and this is a good one. She can be in a bad mood, who can stop that, but she does have control over what she does, even if she doesn’t know it yet.
 
dailey said:
To make a long story short, I go to my parents house everyday. Lets just say this arrangement is not going to change. I get along with my parents fine but, at times, we get into arguments. My mom, who can be really nice and generous, also can be quite a terror. :rolleyes: I usually try to ignore her but I hate when she screams obscenities at me in front of my kids (I’m talking about calling me a f-ing “witch” but with a “b” and other lovely names.) :mad: That part I can handle…what really makes me hot is when she brings up my scapular that I have been wearing for almost 3 years. She ridicules me and says I am putting a show for people (completely untrue, I actually felt uncomfortable when I first started wearing it). Of course, she goes on about other stuff regarding me and Church, but you get the jest. Lastly, her and my dad tend to disregard my views on feeding my kids sugar/junk. They give them whatever they want…right in front of my face. 🤷

I guess my purpose for writing this is to hear how you would react/respond if this was your situation. I am hoping that I can get some good ideas. For the most part, I try not to argue or start a fight with them. But I have been known to yell back (without cuss words or name-calling). This is really upsetting for me…😦
Click to expand...
Since you asked what I would do, I’ll tell you. I wouldn’t put my children or myself through it. Period. I would send an emissary, I would hire someone to go over there if someone needed to be there every day, but there is no way on God’s green and verdant earth I would ever allow someone to talk to me like that or openly defy my rules regarding my children. Period.

I would figure my reasons for being there every day weren’t worth the damage being done to my kids.

Luna
 
You wrote that going to Mom’s house daily is not going to change. Why not? Is Mom babysitting so you may work? Start looking for someone else. First, I thought your Mom was elderly and demented but, obviously, she is not. She’s your Mom and you must honor her but that does not mean you must subject yourself to her verbal abuse. She is way out of line. She is being disrespectful to you re. your religion and you in front of YOUR children. This is NOT something the kids should hear or see. One part of them will be upset because she talks to you this way and another part will wonder why it is okay for her to address you in this manner.
 
I am guessing your mom is not well and you go there to take care of her in some capacity. No sane person in their right mind would behave that way in front of children. My expierence has taught me i cannot rationalize with someone who is irrational for whatever reason.She won’t change, you will have to put up with it if you must, and perhaps talk to your kids about how Grandma is not well, and pray for her when she has her fits. I can’t think of anyway this will change unless you stop going there. Sorry not what you want to hear.
My mom is not well, and I have had well meaning people pull me aside and tell me my priority should be my kids…not sure if it’s completely right. I feel obligated toward my mom, and show an example to my kids. My mom is not verbally abusive and doesn’t swear though.
 
None of her behavior is acceptable. Your children now believe that screaming obscenities at family members is acceptable, and all that your rules about food don’t matter. Is that really how you want to raise them? I am truly baffled that you would do this to them.
 
dailey said:
To make a long story short, I go to my parents house everyday. Lets just say this arrangement is not going to change. I get along with my parents fine but, at times, we get into arguments. My mom, who can be really nice and generous, also can be quite a terror. :rolleyes: I usually try to ignore her but I hate when she screams obscenities at me in front of my kids (I’m talking about calling me a f-ing “witch” but with a “b” and other lovely names.) :mad: That part I can handle…what really makes me hot is when she brings up my scapular that I have been wearing for almost 3 years. She ridicules me and says I am putting a show for people (completely untrue, I actually felt uncomfortable when I first started wearing it). Of course, she goes on about other stuff regarding me and Church, but you get the jest. Lastly, her and my dad tend to disregard my views on feeding my kids sugar/junk. They give them whatever they want…right in front of my face. 🤷

I guess my purpose for writing this is to hear how you would react/respond if this was your situation. I am hoping that I can get some good ideas. For the most part, I try not to argue or start a fight with them. But I have been known to yell back (without cuss words or name-calling). This is really upsetting for me…😦
Click to expand...
Set limits you are no longer a “child”. Simply say, “If you continue to act this way we are leaving” and if it continues, leave. Very simple.

Same with the phone, “If you do not stop yelling/swearing/calling me names, I am hanging up the phone for the rest of the day.”

Remember people cannot take advantge of you or abuse if unless you let them. I had very abusive parents and after many years I finally terminated all contact. My father sexually abused me so it was a very extreme situation but I was tired of my mother tearing me to shreds so I simply cut it off. I don’t recommend axing someone out of your life for good but she sounds pretty close to me. I’d limit contact to holidays and if she starts yelling, pack up and leave. I’m praying for you.
 
The only way I would put up with this BTW was if my mother were mentally Ill and I took care of her or my father. Otherwise I can’t imagine why any one would expose their kids to this…not fair to them.
 
By calling you names, ridiculing your faith, and disregarding your rules, your parents are disrespecting you. This in itself is unacceptable, but added to that is that they are doing this in front of your children, which teaches them that you are allowed to be disrespected.

You must take action to stop their disrespect toward you. Plan a time (preferably without the children present) when you can discuss their disrespectful actions and that you will no longer tolerate it. They will probably argue that what they are doing is not disrespectful, but that is simply their response. Disregard their response and do not engage them on it. Your position is that it IS disrespectful and there is no negotiating about it. Firmly state to them that 1) no name calling is allowed, 2) no ridiculing of your faith is allowed, and 3) they are to abide by your rules regarding the children.

If they do not change their behavior, then there must be a consequence. I would suggest that the consequence be: you leave their house immediately. No arguing, no anger. Just a recognition that they called you a name, or ridiculed your faith, or disobeyed a rule regarding your children, and so it is time for you to go home. And simply leave.

This is simple cause and effect. If they do a disrespectful action, then you leave. Each and every time. No exceptions. I think it will be very effective.

The key here is that YOU must be in control, not them. It may feel unpleasant at first to assert yourself against your parents, but you have to do this if you are going to get rid of this problem.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
Since you asked what I would do, I’ll tell you. I wouldn’t put my children or myself through it. Period. I would send an emissary, I would hire someone to go over there if someone needed to be there every day, but there is no way on God’s green and verdant earth I would ever allow someone to talk to me like that or openly defy my rules regarding my children. Period.

I would figure my reasons for being there every day weren’t worth the damage being done to my kids.

Luna
Click to expand...
This, exactly
 
dailey said:
To make a long story short, I go to my parents house everyday. Lets just say this arrangement is not going to change. I get along with my parents fine but, at times, we get into arguments. My mom, who can be really nice and generous, also can be quite a terror. :rolleyes: I usually try to ignore her but I hate when she screams obscenities at me in front of my kids (I’m talking about calling me a f-ing “witch” but with a “b” and other lovely names.) :mad: That part I can handle…what really makes me hot is when she brings up my scapular that I have been wearing for almost 3 years. She ridicules me and says I am putting a show for people (completely untrue, I actually felt uncomfortable when I first started wearing it). Of course, she goes on about other stuff regarding me and Church, but you get the jest. Lastly, her and my dad tend to disregard my views on feeding my kids sugar/junk. They give them whatever they want…right in front of my face. 🤷

I guess my purpose for writing this is to hear how you would react/respond if this was your situation. I am hoping that I can get some good ideas. For the most part, I try not to argue or start a fight with them. But I have been known to yell back (without cuss words or name-calling). This is really upsetting for me…😦
Click to expand...
Weeelll…if you want your kids to pick filthy language as their second language or mixed in with their English and have you be the “bad guy” (you will be seen as that when you limit their sugar) and granny/grampy give them junk by all means keep going there. :mad:

Your “going over their won’t change” is right as long as you give them a target you’ll be shot at. And your kids will end up pulling the trigger on you too after their spoiled and you try to draw lines in the sand.

Like another poster said get a different babysitter, if that’s not the case (babysitting) then you are just a glutton for punishment and don’t really care about how your kids end up hanging around them.

BTW, what the heck kind of mother calls her daughter the b-word and uses the f-word around her grandkids or at all?! Tell them you won’t be coming over anymore unless mom cleans up her language and starts treating you as the children’s mother not a naughty child. Sorry if that sounds rough but I wouldn’t/don’t have my kids around certain family members for the same reason because I won’t have my children ruined by them.
 
agnes_therese said:
None of her behavior is acceptable. Your children now believe that screaming obscenities at family members is acceptable, and all that your rules about food don’t matter. Is that really how you want to raise them? I am truly baffled that you would do this to them.
Click to expand...
My father turned against me after my divorce (he is tight with my ex-husband who left me when I was nearly 8 months pregnant with number 3)-I finally had to cut all connections with my father to save my sanity. I do give him over to God in prayers and pray for good things for my father. It hurts me-he was there while I was growing up with problems I had to work through-I had autistic and speech issues to work through and thankfully, he was there for me-now my mom passed away, he remarried and for some odd reason turned against both me and his sister, my aunt. He blames my parenting for my middle child’s autism, and so does my ex-husband. I pretty much gave up and cut all ties-I had too. I know that the truth will come out in the end-it may be too late in this life but perhaps in the next life (purgatory or heaven)-there will be healing finally to bring us back together. Only God knows what will happen. You must always put your children first-perhaps go there alone without your children-verbal abuse can and does do permanent damage-and leave the rest in God’s hands. I will remember you in my prayers-and just keep your children’s well-being first in your mind. They come before your parents at this point.
 
It is beyond me that for whatever reason it is you allow this behavior to continue, esp. in front of your children.
I guess that your best solution is to be ready to leave immediately when the abuse starts, and make sure and stand up for yourself without cussing if possible. Personally, I’d get totally into her face if she was cussing me until she backed down. Use your physical presence if you have to, without threatening. Maybe you can make her sit down and shut up.:confused:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top