*Your* Take On This Family Situation

[MaryHelene]

Every time I put my hand in the snake pit, I get bitten - and in front of my kids, to boot! Let’s just say for serious reasons I am not going to stop sticking my hand in the snake pit. What can I do to deal with this situation?

…

Stop going to your parents’ home. There is nothing I can think of that would make me subject my children to such an abusive, vulgar display, much less endure it myself. Hire help, or put out a call to other relatives so that the burden can be shared. If your parents must have intervention every single day, maybe it’s time to consider assisted living. And if they’re babysitting your kids - Lord help you all!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If YOU have to go over to help your mom and/or your dad, please find a way NOT to take your kids! This abuse by your mom is a bad thing, even if she has Alzheimer’s or whatever. Before the kids are old enough to understand her condition, they will already have been exposed to her foul language and abuse of you. This is not a good situation for you or them. Please find some alternative!

There are caregivers, agencies to help deal with people who have Alzheimer’s. You might have to work to find one, but they are there.

 

[PatriceA]

If YOU have to go over to help your mom and/or your dad, please find a way NOT to take your kids! This abuse by your mom is a bad thing, even if she has Alzheimer’s or whatever. Before the kids are old enough to understand her condition, they will already have been exposed to her foul language and abuse of you. This is not a good situation for you or them. Please find some alternative!

There are caregivers, agencies to help deal with people who have Alzheimer’s. You might have to work to find one, but they are there.

This. And if there is a health issue situation that is requiring you the OP to be at your parent’s house. Maybe its time to consider that they should not be living alone with the behavior they are presenting to you.

If it isn’t a health issue, you need to find some way to either NOT subject yourself to their behavior, or find someone that can intervene, because what they are doing from what you are describing is abuse, pure and simple.

 

[dailey]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

My mom has been a “cusser” for many, many years. Its not from Alzheimer or anything like that. Me and my mom used to fight like cats and dogs in high school (and my twenties/early thirties). Eventually, I came closer to my faith and stopped cussing back at her. She’s great with my sibling (never cussed or insulted them) and also is nothing but nice to her grandchildren. It’s me she has the problem with.

At any rate, I simply cannot stop going over to their house. I teach my children well and they know how I feel about my moms behavior. I do get up and leave when she starts to be insulting. Luckily, her rants have become less and less in the last couple years.

 

[cmscms]

I remember I had an aunt who would come visit once a year. She was controlling and very bossy to my mom at times. It would hurt me beyond words when she would talk down to my mom. But never did she call my mom names nor use profanity. I don’t even want to think of the pain your kids are in when they see that. Please stop hurting your kids feelings and don’t let them see that

CM

 

[PatriceA]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

My mom has been a “cusser” for many, many years. Its not from Alzheimer or anything like that. Me and my mom used to fight like cats and dogs in high school (and my twenties/early thirties). Eventually, I came closer to my faith and stopped cussing back at her. She’s great with my sibling (never cussed or insulted them) and also is nothing but nice to her grandchildren. It’s me she has the problem with.

At any rate, I simply cannot stop going over to their house. I teach my children well and they know how I feel about my moms behavior. I do get up and leave when she starts to be insulting. Luckily, her rants have become less and less in the last couple years.

Simply cannot? Or will not? There is a huge difference between the two.

 

[28562]

Simply cannot? Or will not? There is a huge difference between the two.

Perhaps it is more of a ‘should not’.

The OP PMd me the issue…and it is a very complicated one. Personally, I think counseling is probably the best and only route to fixing this. I think the scolding on this thread is not going to help this situation at all…compassion and prayers are what is needed most.

 

[Bklynguy]

As long as you keep showing up, you keep encouraging them.:tsktsk:

I agree with this comment. Despite their obnoxious behavior, you continue to go their on a daily basis? I wouldn’t even go on a weekly basis. I would suggest not showing up for a week and then see if you get any phone calls questioning why you aren’t coming. You can then say that you are tired of being cursed at (highly inappropriate) in front of your own children and ridiculed for your faith. Regardless of the fact that you are their daughter, you are an adult, and you should expect to be treated like one.

 

[Irishmom2]

At any rate, I simply cannot stop going over to their house. I teach my children well and they know how I feel about my moms behavior. I do get up and leave when she starts to be insulting. Luckily, her rants have become less and less in the last couple years.

Honestly, I am wondering why you began this thread.

You state that you cannot stop going over there. You are not concerned enough with your children hearing or seeing the abuse your mother throws your way to put a stop to it by doing anything differently. I don’t believe it is luck alone that has caused her rants to decline. It could be the times that you have gotten up and left.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting you stop going there completely. But there is something in between.You could show some obvious behavior change on your part to really get the point across to her and to your children that her treatment of you is not okay, and that it has to change now or there will be further consequences.

Have you ever had a real conversation with her about it, not in the heat of the moment, but in a calmer moment?

 

[dailey]

Perhaps it is more of a ‘should not’.

The OP PMd me the issue…and it is a very complicated one. Personally, I think counseling is probably the best and only route to fixing this. I think the scolding on this thread is not going to help this situation at all…compassion and prayers are what is needed most.

Thank you.

Prayers and compassion are always welcomed.

 

[DJK100]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

My mom has been a “cusser” for many, many years. Its not from Alzheimer or anything like that. Me and my mom used to fight like cats and dogs in high school (and my twenties/early thirties). Eventually, I came closer to my faith and stopped cussing back at her. She’s great with my sibling (never cussed or insulted them) and also is nothing but nice to her grandchildren. It’s me she has the problem with.

At any rate, I simply cannot stop going over to their house. I teach my children well and they know how I feel about my moms behavior. I do get up and leave when she starts to be insulting. Luckily, her rants have become less and less in the last couple years.

It think you have a lot of good advice here. This is what I would add. First, you sit your mom down and explain to her that her behavior towards you is unacceptable and that if she want to see her grandchildren she must obey your rules on how you want them raised. This means no cursing and putting down your faith. If she cannot do this then she will not be able to see her grandchildren until she does. You can tell her that you are not punishing her but you simply cannot have her undermining your authority with your children.

Next, you said that you have to go over to her house. I understand that. However, I would suggest that you change the set time that you go over. For instance, wait until your husband is home so he can watch your kids for a bit or wait for your kids to be in bed, and then pop over to you parents house to do what it is you need to get done.

This way you can show your mother that you are serious and that her actions do have consequences, gives her a chance to change and also lets you gauge when it is appropriate to reintroduce your children to her.

 

[dailey]

Honestly, I am wondering why you began this thread.

I started this thread, (like most people who post in the family section), out of frustration and for perhaps some prayers and words of wisdom.

Sometimes we are put in situations that are unfair or just plain difficult. Game called Life.

At any rate, thank you for those who have replied (through PM as well) with charity and advice. No need to reply to this if you are only going to reiterate the “scolding”…its really not helpful.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

My mom has been a “cusser” for many, many years. Its not from Alzheimer or anything like that. Me and my mom used to fight like cats and dogs in high school (and my twenties/early thirties). Eventually, I came closer to my faith and stopped cussing back at her. She’s great with my sibling (never cussed or insulted them) and also is nothing but nice to her grandchildren. It’s me she has the problem with.

At any rate, I simply cannot stop going over to their house. I teach my children well and they know how I feel about my moms behavior. I do get up and leave when she starts to be insulting. Luckily, her rants have become less and less in the last couple years.

I don’t know the details, but it sounds as though you may be helping/supporting them in some way. If this is the case, then I would *kindly *and *consistently *tell her your likes and dislikes.
“Mom, I love you. Please do not use that language around the kids and please stop calling me names. I know I have been unkind to you like that in the past, but if you’ve noticed I have stopped. I would like to be treated a little more kindly, please.”

And repeat it every single time she speaks to you that way… lovingly, kindly, patiently. If she wants to continue to rage, smile and leave the room.
I would use the same technique when she brings up your scapular. Kind, consistent, patient, but not tolerating the behavior. Smile and leave the room if she doesn’t decide to stop. But continue to use the words, “Mom, I love you.”

Be emotionless. Do not respond to her emotions.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this situation.

 

[PatriceA]

I started this thread, (like most people who post in the family section), out of frustration and for perhaps some prayers and words of wisdom.

Sometimes we are put in situations that are unfair or just plain difficult. Game called Life.

At any rate, thank you for those who have replied (through PM as well) with charity and advice. No need to reply to this if you are only going to reiterate the “scolding”…its really not helpful.

The advice you were given by me and some of the other posters might have been hard to read, but don’t assume it wasn’t advice that didn’t come from a place of love and kindness, or it was said just to “scold.” Please don’t assume that some of us may never have been in a place such as you find yourself. We may be repeating the words we should have listened to at the time more carefully, no matter how harsh they may seem. There were many people that gave me similar advice when I was going through what seems a similar situation with some relatives such as yours, but I didn’t want to hear what they were saying. Sometimes the advice and words that seem harsh, come from experience and lessons learned.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Sometimes “Honor thy parents” is a very difficult task. It sounds as though the OP is trying to do that. I think that is very inspiring.

 

[PatriceA]

Sometimes “Honor thy parents” is a very difficult task. It sounds as though the OP is trying to do that. I think that is very inspiring.

There is nothing inspiring about putting yourself and loved ones in an abusive situation, even when it involves your parents.

 

[dailey]

It think you have a lot of good advice here. This is what I would add. First, you sit your mom down and explain to her that her behavior towards you is unacceptable and that if she want to see her grandchildren she must obey your rules on how you want them raised. This means no cursing and putting down your faith. If she cannot do this then she will not be able to see her grandchildren until she does. You can tell her that you are not punishing her but you simply cannot have her undermining your authority with your children.

Next, you said that you have to go over to her house. I understand that. However, I would suggest that you change the set time that you go over. For instance, wait until your husband is home so he can watch your kids for a bit or wait for your kids to be in bed, and then pop over to you parents house to do what it is you need to get done.

This way you can show your mother that you are serious and that her actions do have consequences, gives her a chance to change and also lets you gauge when it is appropriate to reintroduce your children to her.

Thank you for this. Your post is the perfect example of how one should respond to another poster here on CAF (some of you need to take notes). You said many of the same things as the others…but in a much more charitable way. God bless.

 

[PatriceA]

Thank you for this. Your post is the perfect example of how one should respond to another poster here on CAF (some of you need to take notes). You said many of the same things as the others…but in a much more charitable way. God bless.

And now who is “scolding”?

 

[Em_in_FL]

There is nothing inspiring about putting yourself and loved ones in an abusive situation, even when it involves your parents.

I’m a Catechism junkie…

2227
Children in turn contribute to the growth in holiness of their parents. Each and everyone should be generous and tireless in forgiving one another for offenses, quarrels, injustices, and neglect. Mutual affection suggests this. The charity of Christ demands it.

 

[dailey]

The advice you were given by me and some of the other posters might have been hard to read, but don’t assume it wasn’t advice that didn’t come from a place of love and kindness, or it was said just to “scold.” Please don’t assume that some of us may never have been in a place such as you find yourself. We may be repeating the words we should have listened to at the time more carefully, no matter how harsh they may seem. There were many people that gave me similar advice when I was going through what seems a similar situation with some relatives such as yours, but I didn’t want to hear what they were saying. Sometimes the advice and words that seem harsh, come from experience and lessons learned.

I know many are just trying to helpful…but when I feel like I am being talked down to its hard to “listen”. My situation is extremely complicated. I wish there was a simple solution (like not going over there) but that is just not an option. Honestly, I am surprised no one has told me to “offer it up”, lol! Because that is what I try to do many times. I also try to focus on my mom’s good traits (yes, she has some!) And realize that most of the time she “behaves” herself. As for my kids, some of you say they must be devastated by the way my mom talks to me. If they are, they sure do have a good way of hiding it. Trust me, I am not justifying it but my kids adore their grandparents. And the few times I have said something negative about them, they always chime in “but they are always nice to us!” Again, not trying to say its okay for them to hear the cuss words (I’m still trying to cut them out of my vocabulary completely).