So this is a question from me as a young adult trying to work out a relationship with my mother. One thing that’s been constant is that she tells me, I’m not listening to her. It’s at the point where I’m frustrated and don’t know how to make her feel like I am listening. To me, it seems like I can’t disagree unless I’m “not listening” - or at least it’s so much effort trying to reassure her that I am listening that I can barely say anything of my own.
I’m just wondering -** how do you go about making someone feel like they’re being listened to?** I’m in a place where it feels like to me no matter what I do she feels like I’m not listening, and I don’t know how to handle it. It makes me feel upset and resentful because I feel like in order to be listening I can’t respond, too.
Okay, if you want someone to feel you are listening, understand, even if you end up disagreeing, begin by replying empathically.
I’ve never experimented with drugs in my entire life, once asked how to respond empathically to those who have used drugs. I was told to try to put myself in that person’s shoes, affirm that sentiment or emotion, paraphrase, summarize, etc. and reflect back the feeling.
You don’t need to condone something immoral, illegal, unethical to respond empathically.
For example…let’s continue with the substance abuse analogy. While I’ve never had a problem with illegal drugs, a couple of times I had where I became addicted to prescription medication. It literally caused me a lot of pain to withdraw from these. Once, I was on steroids for arthritis, and this was increased when I had kidney problems. I think the doctors pretty much forgot how much I was on, and on my own, I weaned myself off half a milligram at a time.
Another time, I had my neck fused, and I was using Lortab. Wow, I had a hard time withdrawing from it, again, was in pain, well due to the surgery. However, both these took the pain away, made me feel much better. When I was without, I felt miserable.
I draw from my own personal experience. If I have no personal experience, I go from what I’ve read, studied, others have told me on issues.
So again, if someone said, “Drugs make one feel really good!” Instead of trying to invalidate the emotions by saying, “No, they don’t!” You can say something like, “Yeah, one can feel great while using them” or something to that effect.
Now, one can shift the direction of this so as not to condone it, even so, and say although it feels good, it can also do…x, y, and z.
Same thing goes with having promiscuous sex. If the topic comes up, some move directly to saying it’s bad, and it is. However, what might be a more effective approach used by many professional counselors is to begin by responding empathically, to affirm that emotion, then go on to say whatever it is you want to say.
If someone says, “Well, that is so hard to resist!” Agree…say, it IS hard to resist…It does feel very good, etc. Affirm the emotion. You can even mirror that person’s body language, though not obviously.
People who are “in sync”, often do this subconsciously.
Nod at appropriate points to indicate you heard that. Say, “um huh”, “okay”. Develop “
active listening skills” over passive.
Counselors have told me if they could only develop one skill, it would be** empathy**.
If someone says, “I want to take my life!” Start by affirming that emotion by saying, “You must be really feeling despair or tremendous sadness, desperation, hopelessness”.
If you respond, “Don’t feel that way!” “Don’t do that!” (that’s invalidating their feelings, and they won’t feel listened to, heard, loved, or cared about).
If you use empathy, I think you will find your relationships will begin to improve automatically. Then, say what you want, gently, with understanding.
