You've got to be kidding me

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ChildofGod2091

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At the risk of being yelled at and essentially being told that I’m a terrible, selfish wife again, I’m back with all my sexual problems.

In case you haven’t seen my previous post…sex is painful, and I’m really uncomfortable with seeing a gyno…and I had some emotional issues to deal with that too. Everyone keeps telling me to look up vaginismus.

And psychologically…not much has changed. I recently got off of Effexor, but I haven’t been dealing with any withdrawal effects. That was about 2 months ago. The depression and anxiety side of things…isn’t bad. I’m pretty much fine. Family life hasn’t been great so I’ve been dealing with trying to not be angry at people but that’s about it.
I’ve pretty much gotten over the whole losing my virginity thing. I think after getting everything tied up after the wedding kind of made it seem real. So I don’t know.

Still have tons of pain though. So I decided to look up vaginismus, especially since it has such a high success rate so I figured if it fit then that was great and I was pretty optimistic. And it does seem to fit.

The treatment process sounds terrific. Except it doesn’t. As if my husband are already uncomfortable with even seeing a Catholic, female gyno, trying to diagnose it sounds kind of painful (if I already don’t have to see a bunch of doctors before one actually considers I have a problem rather than just saying to “try harder” and “use more lube or more foreplay” which apparently happens frequently…which I don’t have the money for.) and the actual treatment process involves dialaters? Not only does that…again…sound painful…but I can barely stick a freaking tampon in there, nor do I really enjoy doing that WITHOUT the pain. I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t exactly be comfortable with this either…but he’s sleeping so I haven’t exactly asked him.

All in all…I’m pretty frustrated…I really don’t want to do this, and I’m about ready to just tell him it’s probably not even worth it to be with me. It’s turning into one, huge, painful, nightmare.

Somebody tell me there’s more options than that. There has to be…seriously…are there other options?
 
ChildofGod2091 said:
At the risk of being yelled at and essentially being told that I’m a terrible, selfish wife again, I’m back with all my sexual problems.

In case you haven’t seen my previous post…sex is painful, and I’m really uncomfortable with seeing a gyno…and I had some emotional issues to deal with that too. Everyone keeps telling me to look up vaginismus.

And psychologically…not much has changed. I recently got off of Effexor, but I haven’t been dealing with any withdrawal effects. That was about 2 months ago. The depression and anxiety side of things…isn’t bad. I’m pretty much fine. Family life hasn’t been great so I’ve been dealing with trying to not be angry at people but that’s about it.
I’ve pretty much gotten over the whole losing my virginity thing. I think after getting everything tied up after the wedding kind of made it seem real. So I don’t know.

Still have tons of pain though. So I decided to look up vaginismus, especially since it has such a high success rate so I figured if it fit then that was great and I was pretty optimistic. And it does seem to fit.

The treatment process sounds terrific. Except it doesn’t. As if my husband are already uncomfortable with even seeing a Catholic, female gyno, trying to diagnose it sounds kind of painful (if I already don’t have to see a bunch of doctors before one actually considers I have a problem rather than just saying to “try harder” and “use more lube or more foreplay” which apparently happens frequently…which I don’t have the money for.) and the actual treatment process involves dialaters? Not only does that…again…sound painful…but I can barely stick a freaking tampon in there, nor do I really enjoy doing that WITHOUT the pain. I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t exactly be comfortable with this either…but he’s sleeping so I haven’t exactly asked him.

All in all…I’m pretty frustrated…I really don’t want to do this, and I’m about ready to just tell him it’s probably not even worth it to be with me. It’s turning into one, huge, painful, nightmare.

Somebody tell me there’s more options than that. There has to be…seriously…are there other options?
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Sometimes the treatment for a medical condition can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, painful, messy, or all of the above.

Adults deal with it. Even children deal with it. My 6-year old nephew has neuroblastoma (cancer), and he has had to endure very painful treatments. He’s a trooper! (He’s in remission now.)

After my foot surgery, I endured three months of absolutely no weight on my right foot. It doesn’t sound bad, but it is–it’s hard to do much when you can’t put weight on a foot. And then there were the months of physical therapy, which was painful because the foot didn’t have a lot of strength and it was scary putting weight on it again.

But I sucked it up and went through the whole thing, and now I’m so glad that I did because I have a working foot again. It’s not the best working foot and is still rather deformed-looking, but who cares–I can walk with very little pain. Sure beats sitting in a chair and telling the rest of my family, “You go ahead and see the museum. I’ll just wait here.”

When your treatment is over–and this treatment has a high success rate with your condition–you will be so glad that you endured it!
 
In case you haven’t seen my previous post…sex is painful, and I’m really uncomfortable with seeing a gyno…and I had some emotional issues to deal with that too.
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This can have much more to do with how open you are to diagnosis, treatment, and therapy. The psychological, if there is a past sexual issue, is going to be just as important as the medical.

Is it possible you also need to see a female Psychologist?

Good luck to you and God bless you.
 
I have a few suggestions:

first–on one of your other threads there was a woman who had this condition who was open to having a private conversation with you…PM her, she my be able to inform you/educate you on the process. Fear of the unknown can be scary, the internet is great but can give to much information.

second–can you discuss this with your mother, sister, mother-in-law, best girlfriend, maybe one of them could go with you to the gyno(not in to the office for the exam) for support. One thing girls(women) share in common is this, we all go through it and we understand the discomfort associated with it, but it is a necessary part of adult married life for a woman. You are a married woman and you need to go. You felt grown up enough to enter into a marriage now it is time to do the adult thing and go to the dr. For your sake and for the sake of your marriage. Offer it up for your marriage, do it for yourself, your husband and your marriage.

third(probably should be first;))–prayer start a novena, rosary, put yourself on every prayer chain for your special intention. Pray for courage to confront this situation, this is the first of many situations you will encounter in life that are difficult to deal with–but we deal with them and move on.

My prayers are joined with yours. God bless.

chris
 
As any doctor will tell you, don’t diagnose yourself on the internet!!!
 
ChildofGod2091 said:
At the risk of being yelled at and essentially being told that I’m a terrible, selfish wife again, I’m back with all my sexual problems.

In case you haven’t seen my previous post…sex is painful, and I’m really uncomfortable with seeing a gyno…and I had some emotional issues to deal with that too.
…
Somebody tell me there’s more options than that. There has to be…seriously…are there other options?
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no there are no other options than to seek professional help when you have a problem that requires professional help. Until you find the underlying reason for the first issue, why you are so reluctant to see the professionals, you can’t make progress on the rest of the issues.

Noboby here has yelled at you or made accusations of any kind. You asked for feedback because for some reason you felt there could be benefit in sharing your deeply personal intimate issues with strangers. Now you have the feedback and apparently have rejected what has been offered in good faith, often from people who can empathize because of their own struggles. Ball is in your court.

there is no charity in withholding the truth, but do know that there is a “readiness curve” just as there is a learning curve, a grief curve etc. When you are ready, you will be ready, but you have to take steps to remove some of the obstacles, so that others can then reach the ones you cannot deal with now.

Our prayers you have, always.
 
Wait - are you saying you cannot afford lubricant? Wow.
This is a very rich part of your married life. You don’t want to miss out on this, believe me. You won’t see fireworks for a while, but keep working at it with your doctors and your husband. Be patient; sometimes our sex lives need serious help. But God meant that husband and wife be sexually unitive.
Above all, pray, and I will pray for you!
 
ChildofGod2091 said:
At the risk of being yelled at and essentially being told that I’m a terrible, selfish wife again, I’m back with all my sexual problems.

In case you haven’t seen my previous post…sex is painful, and I’m really uncomfortable with seeing a gyno…and I had some emotional issues to deal with that too. Everyone keeps telling me to look up vaginismus.

And psychologically…not much has changed. I recently got off of Effexor, but I haven’t been dealing with any withdrawal effects. That was about 2 months ago. The depression and anxiety side of things…isn’t bad. I’m pretty much fine. Family life hasn’t been great so I’ve been dealing with trying to not be angry at people but that’s about it.
I’ve pretty much gotten over the whole losing my virginity thing. I think after getting everything tied up after the wedding kind of made it seem real. So I don’t know.

Still have tons of pain though. So I decided to look up vaginismus, especially since it has such a high success rate so I figured if it fit then that was great and I was pretty optimistic. And it does seem to fit.

The treatment process sounds terrific. Except it doesn’t. As if my husband are already uncomfortable with even seeing a Catholic, female gyno, trying to diagnose it sounds kind of painful (if I already don’t have to see a bunch of doctors before one actually considers I have a problem rather than just saying to “try harder” and “use more lube or more foreplay” which apparently happens frequently…which I don’t have the money for.) and the actual treatment process involves dialaters? Not only does that…again…sound painful…but I can barely stick a freaking tampon in there, nor do I really enjoy doing that WITHOUT the pain. I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t exactly be comfortable with this either…but he’s sleeping so I haven’t exactly asked him.

All in all…I’m pretty frustrated…I really don’t want to do this, and I’m about ready to just tell him it’s probably not even worth it to be with me. It’s turning into one, huge, painful, nightmare.

Somebody tell me there’s more options than that. There has to be…seriously…are there other options?
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There’s a lady here on CAF who’s gone through the process with the dialaters and is now cured of vaginismus and has 2 children.

There are no other options. You need to see a therapist, a counseling priest, and a gynecologist… and if you want to make this work for your husband and for your marriage, you’re gonna have to suck it up and go through the treatment process.

Good luck and God bless.
 
chris138 said:
first–on one of your other threads there was a woman who had this condition who was open to having a private conversation with you…PM her, she my be able to inform you/educate you on the process. Fear of the unknown can be scary, the internet is great but can give to much information.
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👍 Do this! It will probably help you out a great deal to talk with someone who has actually been through treatment and is now seeing the benefits of it. Please send her a PM and talk to her about it a little. There are lots of problems that have unpleasant or downright awful treatments in order to cure them, but it’s worth it to get them treated.

Also, get yourself to the gyno! Vaginismus seems like it fits, but you never know if that is the only thing that is making sex difficult for you. You absolutely need to get a doctor to take a look at that whole area and make sure that everything else is as it should be. And then diagnose you and start you with a treatment plan. If you need to, print up something on vaginismus and bring it to your appointment with you to discuss with the doctor. If the doctor tells you to just keep trying, at least you can tell her that you have been, and that you suspect that there is more going on and show her what you’ve found. Most doctors will listen to their patients, especially when they can calmly show that they’ve done a little bit of research themselves.
 
ChildofGod2091 said:
.

I really don’t want to do this,
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ChildofGod, you’ve been given a lot of really constructive advice here, but I think these words from your original post say it all. And I think that’s why you’ve been resistant to the advice that you’ve been given.

Just like there is nothing dirty about sex with your husband, there is nothing dirty about going to the gynocologist. It’s a routine and necessary part of being a fully functioning, healthy woman.

I’m sorry to say this, but there is something that bothers me about your posts, and that’s your husband’s resistance to you seeing a gynocologist. Quite frankly, this is your health we’re talking about and he should be encouraging you, not feeding into your fears.
 
DeniseNY said:
ChildofGod, you’ve been given a lot of really constructive advice here, but I think these words from your original post say it all. And I think that’s why you’ve been resistant to the advice that you’ve been given.

Just like there is nothing dirty about sex with your husband, there is nothing dirty about going to the gynocologist. It’s a routine and necessary part of being a fully functioning, healthy woman.

I’m sorry to say this, but there is something that bothers me about your posts, and that’s your husband’s resistance to you seeing a gynocologist. Quite frankly, this is your health we’re talking about and he should be encouraging you, not feeding into your fears.
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OP, I hope you realize no one was trying to attack you. Rather, I think people were trying to help you understand the gravity of your situation. Being unable to consummate your marriage is inconsistent with a valid sacramental union. I also believe folks were trying to provide suggestions both so you could remedy this issue and take care of your health.
 
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. God bless you, I will be praying for you.
 
Hi ChildofGod,

I just want you to know that I’m new here (this is actually my first post) and I’ve been kind of hanging out for days trying to get the courage to ask about this very issue. So, you are not alone and I commend you for at least seeking answers. I am also newly married and having problems with a lot of pain, and I am going to send you a private message because perhaps it might help us both to be able to discuss it, since we are having a similar issue at the same time.

I think going to see a doctor and/or using the dilators really are the only option for you at this point, from what it seems like. I’ll pray that you get the courage to seek help.

-Peony
 
Dear Sister in Christ,

You are guessing and anticipating, instead of going to a doctor and getting the information. Your husband should be supporting you in making the necessary appointment. You need a female gyno, someone you can relate to, and you won’t see “a bunch of doctors,” just one. How can you possibly know what the treatment is going to be, just from reading on the internet? You can’t! Don’t anticipate! Just go and find out!

Also, I would recommend some counseling about this issue. Unless it is 100% physical, from what I have read, there are usually some psychological issues that go along, which if not treated, will continue to cause problems and make the physical treatment more difficult if not impossible.

Right now, you are stuck in a bad place. You aren’t getting any better just by sitting and complaining, now, are you? You deserve more than this! If you were my daughter I’d be making the appointment for you and taking you there! You just deal with it, and you go forward courageously into your future! No self-pity and martyring allowed - telling hubby you’re not worth the trouble! No no no! You ARE worth it!
 
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