14 Year Old Son’s Girlfriend Stay Over?

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On Saturday, our family plans to leave early, around 7 a.m. My son’s girlfriend lives over 40 miles away, so asking them to meet requires a long drive at the crack of dawn. As such, he’s asked if his girlfriend can stay the night. Not even on the same floor, and with many precautions to keep the possibility of midnight meetings to naught. I was wondering what the moral implications of allowing this to happen would be?

(This was written the day after the original question was posted, and I already replied to the thread with this below, but figured this would be easier for everyone to see)
  1. Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.
  2. I appreciate everyone who trusted my opinion of my son and I’s relationship/level of trust. Those of you who rushed to absurd opinions based off of fear are the reason that the media is able to find examples of Catholic extremists so easily.
  3. Parenthood is about the nourishment and cultivation of the mind and conscience, which can only be done with a balance of freedom and guidelines. The area where a lot of you all stray as parents is by going “OH MY GOSH MY CHILD WILL NOT DO THIs and CANNOT BE EXPOSED TO THIS BECAUSE IT WILL PERMANENTLY DAMAGE THEM.” Proper parenting is done by first teaching your child to trust you, then by a lack of betrayal on your part, followed by allowing the child to see what the world is like while teaching the Catholic Church’s position on the happenings of the world. My son is allowed to date because we think it’s valuable that he isn’t a backwards introvert when he comes of age from the wonderful young man we have to the adult we hope he’ll become. Both sets of parents have discussed thoroughly our rules pertaining to intimacy between the two, and those rules have been upheld. And yes, as some of you have helpfully mentioned, I understand that teens lie. As such, when they do sneak out, I maintain that I have reared my child well enough that he will avoid actions that prevent him from his ultimate destination in heaven.
  4. she will not be staying the night, because it creates a precedent upon which the rules would be further tightened. However, she will be picked up tomorrow morning for a relaxing, enjoyable day with her boyfriend and his family at the Maple Sugar Festival in Highland County, Virginia.
Again, I thank you all for your heartfelt responses, and best wishes

(p.s: I’m a man)
 
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I feel like you kinda started in the middle of the story. So you are taking your son and his girlfriend to something the following day that requires leaving at 7 AM?

I think there are two things you have to consider. The first is that your son and his girlfriend fool around. I don’t think you need to worry about this too much, honestly. They’re not sleeping in the same room, or even on the same floor. And assuming they ever go anywhere alone together (like to the movies or something) they could be theoretically be fooling around there. (Not trying to put that image in your head, just saying.) So I don’t see how this is worse just because it would be in the middle of the night. I highly doubt he’s got the cajones to try something, but you know him and I don’t so…

The second is how it looks, aka, “scandal.” Is it going to get around school that his girlfriend slept over at his house, and all the other kids are going to make assumptions that something sexual went on? Is that rumor then going to float back to the parents, and now there are all kinds of rumors swirling around? This is the more serious concern, I think.

I guess bottom line is I think you can probably get away with it, provided you are crystal clear on the rules, and her parents are on board too and giving her the same speech.
 
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Consistency, or inconsistency? To be, or not to be? A parent.

That’s one of the platforms that will be made to setup for failure. Just saying. It’s asking for trouble, or the increased potentiality for it.

And they are boyfriend/girlfriend, correct?
 
Yes, sorry. We’re leaving for an all day trip on Saturday morning, and she’d be staying/not staying on Friday night @BoomBoomMancini
 
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They’re boyfriend/girlfriend of over a year. We talk regularly and I trust his word. He said that they “make out” regularly but nothing else. @BoyGenius
 
Do you listen to Relevant Radio? Check out the website, check the showtimes for Patrick Madrid’s show. Will you try and give him a call? He has really excellent suggestions and saged advice. He is like the Obi Won Kenobi of Catholic Apologetics and all things under the sun. He knows the ways of the force.
 
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The one problem that I see which overshadows this entire ordeal is that your son is 14. And he is already making out with his girlfriend. Not to mention the fact that he has one in the first place.
 
Blessings,
I would say “making out” is not allowed during visit. You are still in house w them. Separate floors…
Good time to talk about temptation, hormones and purity. Google purity prayers.
They are such treasures. Teen years are insane for dating/relationships. How many broken hearts. So many lost virtues. Too many unwanted pregnancies. Too many delivered babies in unsafe situations…
I was too naive for parenting. We survived but have scars. I learned NEVER HAVE KIDS SLEEP OVER! This mileage difference is a hassle though. Will this relationship last over this distance?
I was friends w kids friends families. We all were church goers and Bible readers and prayers. BUT THE KIDS WEREN’T. I wish I had listening devices in rooms. My kid by herself was not destructive. 1 more kid and they painted her bedroom ceiling w fresh tar from street. Just spots.

Good luck! I think following God’s rules, of course, is important. Your being the true Spiritual head of household. God give you wisdom.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

– St. Teresa of Avila
 
We made the decision as parents to allow our kids to start dating at 13. He turns 15 in 2 weeks. @Entwhistler
 
Well, each to their own. 🙂

I would just caution against letting a young teenager make out with a girl. Brain still developing and all that. That would have fried me as a teen.
 
Please, try calling Patrick Madrid’s show. If you are honestly asking people for advice on a Catholic Apologetics forum. Then try Patrick Madrid. He’s a good guy with saintly advice.
 
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Allowing your son to have a girlfriend at 14 is like smoking in a hydrogen plant. It’s a very serious mistake and could very easily lead to an unplanned pregnancy. You are morally responsible for your children’s behavior before God. The fact that you seem okay with the fact that they are making out is disturbing.
 
Entwhistler said:
The one problem that I see which overshadows this entire ordeal is that your son is 14. And he is already making out with his girlfriend. Not to mention the fact that he has one in the first place.
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I totally agree. A 14 year old in a long term relationship just seems wrong. That they are seeing each other while living 40 miles away seems to mean that the parent are encouraged it…This just seems like too serious for 14. I suggest stopping the drives. Say she lives too far away for a relationship. They can do the letter thing for a few years. It will be cute. 😉😊
 
Jason Evert says it better than I could: “It is only to say that it would be imprudent for someone with no current interest in marriage to become involved in the type of relationship that is expected to either progress to marriage or end. One reason it is imprudent is because “steady dating” encourages the kind of physical intimacy that is appropriate only to those who are engaged to marry. Regularly engaging in that kind of physical intimacy with no expectation of marriage may lower one’s inhibitions about chastity outside of marriage and place one in the near occasion of sexual sin.“ http://chastity.com/question/is-steady-dating-really-a-sin
 
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I wonder why the girl’s parents don’t offer to drop her off early , so you don’t have to drive ? And why are they unconcerned about their young daughter spending the night with a boy ? Don’t expect your son to tell you about everything he does. 🙂 and don’t be surprised if he acts like a normal boy. 14 yrs is too young, and 15 is too old 🙂
 
I want to create a thought experiment:

Suppose you had a daughter who was 13, dating a guy, oh I don’t know, like 23 year old. Now, would you allow, let alone let your daughter date an adult?

I cleverly ask the question, because why would you trust your daughter less with an adult than say a boy her age? Would you consider the adult should wield more self control than say a boy the girl’s age?

Now agreeably, a guy at 23 with a girl at 13, is quite disproportionate. But, you would obviously weigh on the decision that you would not allow her to date a guy like that, because he must be emotionally immature to be dating a girl that young, correct? So if the older guy is immature, for reasons you would not trust your daughter with him; and, as well as, no less the immature character of the boy her age she is with, should apply the same as to not letting your daughter around an adult. For both the boy and the adult dating the girl are both immature.

To say yes to the boy, and no to the adult is a double standard.
 
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V.It creates a precedence.
Allow this now and you’ll find little ground with your son regarding having a girl stay over no matter what age.
He’s very young for a girlfriend, isn’t he? Already he thinks is okay to have a serious girlfriend at age 14?
A problem already created. Girlfriend, not even friend who happens to be a girl.
By choosing a sole focus at this early stage, surely has some impact on ability to cope with future relationship setbacks, because fourteen is too young for adult fixation on a single person, who doesn’t even live near, but 40 miles away, that is, a relationship celebrated and established enough in the thoughts of both sets of parents, that they will go to such lengths to accommodate it. Already any damage has occurred because the son will also accept this as his right?
They ONLY ‘make out’ how can any adult expect children to stay within the limits if they continue this? And if they did, would they tell their parents? They shouldn’t be 'making out at all!!! Making out is sexual behaviour, if viewed honestly, it’s foreplay… children, young teens, any Catholic who isn’t married is toying with temptation. It’s irresponsible to allow children, young teens, to engage in sexual interaction of ‘making out’.
Childhood gets pushed back earlier and earlier?

Certainly, raising children isn’t easy.
 
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I think people are getting too hung up on the “he’s only 14 and has a serious girlfriend” thing. Nothing at 14 is that “serious”. Let’s be real: he’s not going to marry this girl. In all likelihood, they’ll date for a bit, then break up in dramatic high school fashion, he’ll swear he’ll be alone forever, and then a month later he’ll have a new girlfriend.

I have to ask though, if they live 40 miles apart, where exactly are they making out? Not that I necessarily think 14 is too young for that (assuming making out just means kissing here and isn’t code for more) but presumably the parents are having to drive them to see each other.
BoyGenius said:
I cleverly ask the question
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Someone doesn’t lack for confidence.
FrancisPio said:
This just seems like too serious for 14. I suggest stopping the drives. Say she lives too far away for a relationship. They can do the letter thing for a few years. It will be cute
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“You know your girlfriend? Yeah, you can’t see her anymore. But you can write letters! Won’t that be fun?”

Yeah…prepare for your kid to hate you. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t ever disappoint their kids for their own good, but “you can write her a letter” is a pretty terrible consolation prize and is going to make their son really resent them in a huge way.
 
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JamalChristophr said:
Allowing your son to have a girlfriend at 14 is like smoking in a hydrogen plant.
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I don’t know where you live, but in the USA, most kids by 14 are going to be doing some dating whether their parents are “allowing” it or not. Almost everyone Catholic I ever knew began dating around age 13-14 although sometimes there were restrictions such as not being allowed to “car date” or having to be in by a certain time. The “dates” were usually something like going for a hamburger or going to someplace, like the pool, where all the kids were going as a group anyway.

The person is obviously an involved and concerned parent or they wouldn’t be posting the question. I can see some concern about “making out”, but heck, my own parents were older than average and pretty conservative and I had my first boyfriend at age 14…it’s normal.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I have to ask though, if they live 40 miles apart, where exactly are they making out? Not that I necessarily think 14 is too young for that (assuming making out just means kissing here and isn’t code for more) but presumably the parents are having to drive them to see each other.
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In view of the distance, and the fact that there is going to be a lot of parental involvement here given that these kids can’t drive yet and the mom is concerned about even having the girl overnight at the house, I am wondering what “making out” exactly means. Sounds to me like maybe they kissed a few times and the young man is trying to sound adult by calling it “making out”.
 
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