17yr old is interested in my 13yr old daughter

[Daegus]

A 17 year old boy should NOT be entertaining a relationship with a 13 year old girl. He should be more interested in girls his own age. If anything sexual happened between them, he could be charged with sexual molestation and end up on a predator’s list. This is serious as can be. He has transportation and can get to wherever she is, so your intuition might very well be correct. When my son connected with his last GF, she has her own car (he isn’t driving yet) and she would come over and get him and they would have total freedom. She is several months older than he is and more aggressive. It was a real problem for us because they could just ignore my restrictions. Several times he would say he was going for a walk but I am sure she met him and picked him up so they could be together.

I would take this VERY seriously. Disable texting on her phone. Block his number. Have her talk to him, if you allow it at all, on the home phone and in your presence, no secret conversations. If she refuses to do this then you can assume they are talking to each other not as friends. If she tries to erase texts then assume she is sneaking messages that she should not be writing. You cannot get the message content although you can see each phone call she makes, and you can see the phone numbers she’s texting, and when. I have Verizon and I pay an extra $5 for parental controls. I can turn off my son’s phone whenever I wish, block numbers, turn off texting, limit his messages from outside the verizon network. When he starts to drive I am going to put the GPS tracker on his phone and he WILL have it enabled when he’s in the car. I wish it was a stealth application but it’s OK because it’s take it or leave it - either you do this or you don’t drive, son. Do what it takes and use the technology to help you. It’s the times we live in.

Before you do any of that, sit your daughter down and have a talk with her. I hope that you have already been talking to her about what is ahead for her and what your expectations for her behavior are. Even if you plan to allow her to date, 13 is way too young and a boy 4 years older is far too old for her. At 13 I would only allow my sons to be out with a group, and not past 10 p.m. or so. I hope her father is heavily involved in showing her what a young man should treat her like. That does NOT include private texting, sneaking phone calls, or meeting somewhere that you do not know about. If you think she is vulnerable to any of these influences, tell her in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and you will be intervening whenever you think she is over her head. I hope you will be able to explain that this boy could end up in jail from his contact with her. If someone thinks they are getting sexual he could be reported and then his future is permanently affected.

My alarm bells would be ringing because a 13 year old girl can be very flattered by a 17 year old boy’s attentions, AND she does not have the personal strength or defenses to be able to refuse sexual contact if that’s what he is after.

… And to add to this, think about it. Why would a 17 year old be interested in a girl who is 4 years younger than he is anyways? Why can’t he get a girl his age? That should be a cause for concern.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

… And to add to this, think about it. Why would a 17 year old be interested in a girl who is 4 years younger than he is anyways? Why can’t he get a girl his age? That should be a cause for concern.

yes, that was my first thought and my first statement. My 17 year old would be seriously creeped out by a 13 year old girl. He was very proud of his girlfriend being in the class UP from his, although they are not a year apart in age (his birthday falls in October so he’s always one of the oldest in his class). For a JUNIOR in high school to find anything in common with a MIDDLE SCHOOLER? A YOUNG middle schooler? Yes, alarm bells all over the place.

 

[violet81]

I would block her phone from making or receiving any calls other than families.

I would eliminate text messaging from her plan.

 

[Charlotte1776]

My husband is 10 years older than I am. I had just turned 20 and he was about to turn 31. There were plenty of naysayers who assumed he must be a dirty old man taking advantage of me, and there were plenty who assumed I was a ditzy college party girl based solely on our ages. Obviously, neither assumption was correct and we are now very happily married and expecting our first child! I don’t think teenagers dating when they are 4 years apart is automatically bad news - who knows, maybe the 17-year-old is not a bad young man with bad intentions. I would try to learn more about this boy before deciding to permanently and completely cut him out of your daughter’s life. Have you met him yet? Have you met his parents? What do they think of all this? Like it or not, most kids start dating around your daughters age or shortly after. I can understand the fear and concern, but maybe they are fears without any real foundation in this case. And, from the sound of it they may not be dating at all! They really could just be friends like they say. If you snoop through her texts already assuming they are hiding a romantic relationship, you are probably going to read intentions into them that just aren’t there.

You have to do what you think is best for your child, but be aware that putting her on total lockdown like many are suggesting could very easily backfire. It’s going to drive them closer together, and unless you take away all phone access, all internet access, remove her from the swim team, and never let her leave the house without an escort, she will find a way to contact him. You could end up dragging the whole family into a war of wills over nothing. Even *if *they decide to go into a relationship, who knows whether it will last beyond when the boy goes off to college?

For what it’s worth, if my daughter ends up in this situation I would contact the boy’s parents to see what their position on the situation is, meet the boy and try to determine if he’s a decent kid, and if he is I would allow limited, supervised contact. There’s less harm in letting them to go a movie together with me than having them sneak around my back doing who knows what without my knowledge. It’s what my parents did when I had a crush on a boy at your daughter’s age, and it worked so much better than if they simply said I couldn’t date at all and told me I could never talk to him. I got to be with the boy I really liked, and they didn’t have to deal with butting heads with their daughter or having her run around with boys unsupervised.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My husband is 10 years older than I am. I had just turned 20 and he was about to turn 31. There were plenty of naysayers who assumed he must be a dirty old man taking advantage of me, and there were plenty who assumed I was a ditzy college party girl based solely on our ages. Obviously, neither assumption was correct and we are now very happily married and expecting our first child! I don’t think teenagers dating when they are 4 years apart is automatically bad news - who knows, maybe the 17-year-old is not a bad young man with bad intentions. I would try to learn more about this boy before deciding to permanently and completely cut him out of your daughter’s life. Have you met him yet? Have you met his parents? What do they think of all this? **Like it or not, most kids start dating around your daughters age or shortly after. **I can understand the fear and concern, but maybe they are fears without any real foundation in this case. And, from the sound of it they may not be dating at all! They really could just be friends like they say. If you snoop through her texts already assuming they are hiding a romantic relationship, you are probably going to read intentions into them that just aren’t there.

You have to do what you think is best for your child, but be aware that putting her on total lockdown like many are suggesting could very easily backfire. It’s going to drive them closer together, and unless you take away all phone access, all internet access, remove her from the swim team, and never let her leave the house without an escort, she will find a way to contact him. You could end up dragging the whole family into a war of wills over nothing. Even *if *they decide to go into a relationship, who knows whether it will last beyond when the boy goes off to college?

For what it’s worth, if my daughter ends up in this situation I would contact the boy’s parents to see what their position on the situation is, meet the boy and try to determine if he’s a decent kid, and if he is I would allow limited, supervised contact. There’s less harm in letting them to go a movie together with me than having them sneak around my back doing who knows what without my knowledge. It’s what my parents did when I had a crush on a boy at your daughter’s age, and it worked so much better than if they simply said I couldn’t date at all and told me I could never talk to him. I got to be with the boy I really liked, and they didn’t have to deal with butting heads with their daughter or having her run around with boys unsupervised.

But you were 20, not 13. And “Like it or not, most kids start dating at this age???” The parents have the right to decide when their child will be allowed to date, or IF he or she will be allowed to date. It is absolutely critical that parents protect their daughters these days. Assume that every 17 year old boy has seen porn and isn’t pure. Sorry, but if you start with that assumption you will act accordingly and maybe your daughter has a chance of keeping pure until marriage. Think it terms of “like it or not, it’s what the culture is doing” and you may as well pass out condoms at the door.

Again, a 17 year old boy should have NO REASON to be getting cozy with a 13 year old girl! He could be charged with statutory rape. Has no one advised this boy that he needs to leave the OP’s daughter alone? Where is HIS dad in all of this? Where is HER dad? I think the fathers should talk, if anything, but if it were me, I’d lay down the law now and be completely clear about conditions in the future. A relationship with a boy 4 years her senior at this point is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE.

 

[mjs1987]

How do we know the guy actually likes this girl? It could be that the OPs daughter is the one interested in the 17 year old boy. Often times guys at that age will flirt with girls younger than them just to be able to brag about having chicks intereste in them. It could also be that the daugher is the one with the interest and is initiating the courting.

The answer is obvious though: gain control of the situation. Some 13 year olds are mature enoughh to date and others are not. If the guy is about to go to college, many times he will go away for most of the time leaving the younger girl in th cold.

Most of the time, relationships that start in high school with a gap in ages and are successfull are those where the two either dont go to college or go to college together. It can be hard to be friends with those types because their relationship comes before their friendships.

 

[joandarc2008]

I am not a parent - just a younger person. Granted 31. I had a stepdaughter at one point. I would say talk to his parents - find out what kind of people the other family is. It probably is not a good idea for them to date but if the other parents are good Christians then there may not be a reason to cut their friendship off as long as they only see each other in group settings and his parents know what is goingon as well. God bless – and you seem like a great parent.

 

[cthulhubryan]

When my (now 18) 13yo daughter had an 18yo interested in her, I told him to take his hands off her until he had his mother talk to me. After I explained Misty’s age (she looked 16) to his mother, she ended any ideas he might have had.

 

[Daegus]

yes, that was my first thought and my first statement. My 17 year old would be seriously creeped out by a 13 year old girl. He was very proud of his girlfriend being in the class UP from his, although they are not a year apart in age (his birthday falls in October so he’s always one of the oldest in his class). For a JUNIOR in high school to find anything in common with a MIDDLE SCHOOLER? A YOUNG middle schooler? Yes, alarm bells all over the place.

Heh, I didn’t notice that was the first thing you said since I sort of skimmed through your post () but you’re right. I’m close to this guy’s age and I can tell you that most guys don’t have good intentions when they go out with girls much younger than them. Just because it MIGHT work out nicely doesn’t mean it will, or that it’s a good idea.

Just because I MIGHT be able to walk through downtown at night without getting shot doesn’t make doing so a good idea.

Just because I MIGHT be able to munch on a cyanide pill and not die doesn’t mean I should try it.

Just because I MIGHT be able to leave my child in a room with a serial killer doesn’t mean I should do it, now does it?

etc…

 

[mark_a]

Our daughter and her husband dated from 2001 through 2008. Texting had not yet been invented during this time. So I can’t answer your question, except to say that I think that incessant texting between people of any sex is annoying and inappropriate in certain settings (e.g.,during a meal, etc.).

As for the courtship dating approach, absolutely NOT. My husband and I have extremely strong negative opinions against the “courtship dating” method.

We believe that teenagers and adults can date for fun and companionship without having to “court.” Casual dating provides a learning experience, where teens can learn how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Also, casual dating provides an opportunity for teenagers to get to figure out what traits in a person they find appealing and what kind of mate they are best suited for. Our approach toward dating was what we were taught in our church (Protestant) as teenagers–date only those people who you would be willing to marry, and do not date people that you would not be willing to marry. In other words, we believe that any date can be a potential spouse.

I think we have a terminology misunderstanding here.

I’m not sure what courtship dating is.

In the terminology I’ve heard, courtship heavily involves the parents.

Dating is more like “Don’t wake me up when you come in.”

 

[redroselover]

As the RealJuliane pointed out 17 year olds have CARS. Do you really want her in a car alone with him? They also can get into R rated movies. They also watch R rated movies at home or at least at friends houses. . Most of them have been around alcohol or at least have friends who use alcohol. I realize it is POSSIBLE that he is some great super Christian kid but what are the odds of that , given she met him as part of a swim team. If he were such then he would honor the mother’s request and sounds like he has not and her intuition is that he is NOT just friends. If you are VERY SURE he is being an older brother to her then that might change things but if that were so he is not going to be interested in hanging around with her. He is not going to be interested in meeting a 13 year old at a mall. to hang out. The age difference is too great. At most he might tolerate some text messages, give her some adult like advice. , view her as a an annoyance probably… There is no way a 17 year old boy is interested in a 13 year old as a soul mate or at least it is highly unlikely. He is 5 years older than her and that gives him a HUGE advantage over influencing her, and even if he is basically a good kid he is going to introduce her to the world of 17 year olds. . If he is only interested in her like a big brother he will honor the mother’s request in that she has already TOLD him her daughter has a crush on him. . He at least will make known to the daughter he views her like a little sister. . I have managed to get a house full of kids through the teenage years (both boys and girls), all of whom swam from early childhood ( 5years old ) till high school graduation and one beyond, and look, swimming is a fabulous sport that is great exercise and is great for self discipline, it is wonderful in millions of ways, but you don’;t usually end up with scrawny geeky boys. This boy has been around swimming long enough to be able to coach 13 year olds so I have to wonder if he is not pretty attractive, or at least to a 13 year old. . . The environment is already somewhat sexualized because you have guys who have been muscled up by swimming, who are athletes, who are parading around in speedos and girls in tight suits, on swim blocks bending over with their back ends poked out to the sky. . Look, I love the sport, encouraged the sport, but I am trying to point out some of the things that may push the attraction. What the heck is a 17 year old boy doing being interested in a 13 year old girl if that is what is going on? .If my 17 year old son was having a romantic type of relationship with a 13 year old, boy would I be having a conversation with him. The mother has already seen text messages from him she viewed as inappropriate or at least that is my understanding. . The daughter is erasing texts messages. That tells you right there it is probably not totally innocent. If this is all big brother stuff then have her show you every single text message. to establish that fact. If you sense that this is romanticized or sexualized in any way, I would tell her he is off limits, tell him he is to end contact with your daughter or you are going to contact the coach. Do you really think the coach wants his assistant pursuing his 13 year old girl swimmers? I would contact his parents if I had to.
I don’t think a 13 year old girl should be dating AT ALL one on one, , she should be in groups of girls and boys her own age. . I know they can sneak off but this will at least provide some protection and slow things down.
I agree to talk with her. I wouldn’t trash the boy at all or you risk turning him into a Romeo, ,I would try to explain to her your reasons, , do so with kindness, love, listen to her voice, try to understand her feelings, reflect back those feelings, understand that she is feeling like she is becoming a woman, don’t make her feel like she is a child, make her feel understood, but you can set ground rules to protect her. You can explain those rules, do it with love, no yelling, do it with respect for her, but you can still set the rules. Let her know the relationship is not to continue because he is simply too old for her and I would say she is too young to date. ., As Realjuliane pointed out you can have access to who she calls, when and how much if you really want it.The cell phone company has all that info. You can keep the phone on you and hand it to her when she absolutely has to have it for an extracurricular and then check it when she returns.You can do all this if you have to , that is , if she won;t obey the ground rules… Take a deep breath, say a prayer. ,. ,

 

[Cat]

I think we have a terminology misunderstanding here.

I’m not sure what courtship dating is.

In the terminology I’ve heard, courtship heavily involves the parents.

Dating is more like “Don’t wake me up when you come in.”

I am speaking of the courtship dating model that was touted by Josh Harris in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. joshharris.com/i_kissed_dating_goodbye.php, and endorsed, regrettably in my opinion, by Dr. James Dobson, who is usually quite sensible.

Josh Harris was 17 years old when he wrote this best-selling book after being jilted by a girlfriend. If those of you reading this thread are wary of 17-year old boys dating your young daughters, I imagine that many of you will agree with us that to accept this young man’s book as “gospel truth” is rather foolish.

However, the courtship dating model proposed by Harris swept through evangelical Protestant churches in the 1990s, and many of my friends with children made decisions to utilize this supposedly “Biblical” model of dating with their children, especially their daughters.

My husband and I did some reading and studying before making up our minds. Several respected, mature pastors with years of experience in pre-marital and marital counselling, wrote books refuting Harris’ book, but their books were lost in the madness.

I believe that many parents were and still are so frightened for their children, especially their daughters, in this age of sexual irresponsibility, that they glommed onto Harris’ book like flies on melted ice cream. But decisions made out of fear are not always wise decisions.

My husband and I decided against the courtship dating model primarily because it generally delays dating until a young man or woman is out of the house and no longer under the authority of the parents. We felt and still feel that when a teenager is living at home, he/she is under the authority of his/her parents and that parents can play a large role in helping the teen to make wise decisions about relationships. Parents have control of the money in the family, and they can use this “power” to make life very miserable for a teenager who does not toe the line! (No car keys, no allowance, no extracurriculars, etc.) But once the son or daughter has left the nest and is living independently, parents no longer have much say in how a child lives their life.

If anyone cares to read the sequels to Harris’ first book, they will learn that he basically broke all his own rules when he met his wife.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Society’s “norms” for dating, courtship, and marriage change over time. The things that were expected in one generation of people (I won’t say “teens” because even this stage is was just invented) becomes either ingrained or changed in the next generation.

Every parent has to decide what they are comfortable with. And you have chosen to allow your teenagers to date. Some parents are not comfortable with that model of things, whether or not they have read Josh Harris’ books. Courtship has been around a lot longer than Josh Harris has! Fundamental communities like the Mennonites or Amish don’t really encourage dating like our culture currently does. It’s all very fluid, really, and all depends upon the family.

What is hard is when the family chooses something totally different than the larger society, AND the kids do not fully buy into the reasoning. Some kids just rebel against anything their parents do, and those kids would become more conservative if the parents encouraged early dating! “Sure, go ahead, kids, you’re already 12, why not go out on dates? Enjoy yourselves!” And then the kids decide not to date before they are ready to discern marriage! LOL Even my 17 year old, now that he has had his heart completely shattered, understands why I was warning him not to throw himself into this relationship too deeply and especially not to get sexual. He knows why I don’t believe in society’s model of “dating.” He may not agree, but he knows I’m not going to change my mind because my beliefs are coherent with the rest of my life.

But let’s not turn this into a dating v courtship thread, the OP asked about allowing contact between her 13-year-old daughter and a 17 year old high school JUNIOR. I just asked my 2 sons (19 & 17) what they would think if a friend of theirs was contacting a girl of 13. They both inhaled sharply and said, “NO WAY! That’s disgusting!” The 19-year-old said he’d have to report that. The 17 year old said, “Isn’t that illegal?”

From the girl’s perspective, attention from a HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR is highly flattering, and gains her points like CRAZY with her friends. Having sex with him would gain her even more points. Trust me, I know that’s true. Not that she is thinking that right now, but if this contact keeps going, and he starts pressuring her…she would gain a lot of street cred for losing her virginity with him. Rough, but the kids’ culture nowdays is rough.

 

[redroselover]

One of my daughter’s was very social, very popular., very pretty… I would not have allowed her to date at 13, she could go in groups with boys and girls at that age but if they were at a house parents had to be around. . At 15 she was allowed to go on a few dates for special occasions like proms and special dances and such but it had to be on double dates and this was with parents driving them too and from. This was not allowed to happen with an olser guy who might be picking her up in a car. I tried to keep her very busy with extra curriculars so that many a weekend night was taken up with constructive activities. By allowing those types of dates it at least allowed her some sense of growing up and some sense that she would eventually be allowed to date. By 16 or certainly 17 they may be dating but at least hopefully they have more sense that a 13 or 14 or 15 year old and you have had a chance to have many conversations relating to sexuality and your values and why. Those freedoms can be tied to responsible behavior. The freedom can come in increments as they show they are maturing and can handle it. It does not have to be all given at once. On the otherhand , total restrictions with no sense that they will gain any freedom will cause rebellion. No kid is going to put up with total loss of a social life. If they have gotten really involved in school activities then hopefully they are not focusing so much on boys and have had time to find their own identity without it being tied to boys. The girls I saw that were allowed to date early lost their virginity early, just too much boy contact too soon like a slippy slope. I realize there will be exceptions to this but that is mostly what I saw happen., They also never seemed to learn to be independent. They seemed to always need a boy. even after getting to college. Many of them have now gone through 4 or 5 boys having had sex with all of them by the end of freshman year in college.
Someone mentioned Little House on the Prairie. We do not have that world any more. You basically are going to have to try to teach your child to be counter cultural. Getting a 13 year old to be counter cultural is pretty tough , but an older teen will have witnessed the damage from poor choices of others if you can somewhat hold the line, They will have made a few mistakes too but hopefully not any that are too serious. All of this is very hard I know . Parenting teens today is really tough. I wish we had a Little House on the Prairie world but we just don’t. /

 

[TheRealJuliane]

redroselover, would you have allowed your 13 year old social butterfly to be in contact with a 17 year old, who is presumably a high school JUNIOR??? I don’t think you would have, and this mom is completely within her rights to shut down the contact if she thinks it is inappropriate. I think it would always be inappropriate. What 17 year old is going to want to go on a group date with several 13 year old boys and girls? No, he wants to “date” just this one girl, not be the oldest in a group of her peers. If he does, there is something wrong with him.

I allowed both my sons to go out with groups of friends, as you did, and to go to prom dates, etc. as long as I knew which parent was driving etc. I do not believe in locking kids in a closet until they are 25, but I also believe that one on one dating is not right and proper until you are discerning marriage. Why put yourself in that situation which might lead to temptation, when you are nowhere near the point where you could marry? I just don’t see any sense in it. If my older son decided he wanted to date a girl, then fine, he is 19 now and knows where he’s going and what he wants and he’s not about to let something get in the way. I mean, there does come a time when you cannot control them any longer and hopefully they have absorbed the reasons WHY you believe what you do.

But dating these days does mean, in many if not most cases, sex will be involved. So why go there? Go out with friends, yes, but stay in at least a foursome always. And not the kind of foursome where the girls trade guys and make out with both! It’s pretty good info to watch someone interact with more than one person anyway.

No 17 year old has any business with a 13 year old.

 

[Cat]

redroselover, would you have allowed your 13 year old social butterfly to be in contact with a 17 year old, who is presumably a high school JUNIOR??? I don’t think you would have, and this mom is completely within her rights to shut down the contact if she thinks it is inappropriate. I think it would always be inappropriate. What 17 year old is going to want to go on a group date with several 13 year old boys and girls? No, he wants to “date” just this one girl, not be the oldest in a group of her peers. If he does, there is something wrong with him.

I allowed both my sons to go out with groups of friends, as you did, and to go to prom dates, etc. as long as I knew which parent was driving etc. I do not believe in locking kids in a closet until they are 25, but I also believe that one on one dating is not right and proper until you are discerning marriage. Why put yourself in that situation which might lead to temptation, when you are nowhere near the point where you could marry? I just don’t see any sense in it. If my older son decided he wanted to date a girl, then fine, he is 19 now and knows where he’s going and what he wants and he’s not about to let something get in the way. I mean, there does come a time when you cannot control them any longer and hopefully they have absorbed the reasons WHY you believe what you do.

But dating these days does mean, in many if not most cases, sex will be involved. So why go there? Go out with friends, yes, but stay in at least a foursome always. And not the kind of foursome where the girls trade guys and make out with both! It’s pretty good info to watch someone interact with more than one person anyway.

No 17 year old has any business with a 13 year old.

I disagree, as I’ve already stated in my post above. I urge posters to be careful with blanket statements and generalized pronouncements about child-rearing. My husband and I are great parents and we raised excellent daughters, even though we allowed our 14-year-old to date a 17-year-old. Every teenager is different, and these issues need to be discerned by each family according to their own situation. There is no one-size-fits-all rule when it comes to dating.

Certainly it is possible that the boy has a prurient interest in the younger girl. Certainly it is possible that she is racking up popularity points by encouraging the relationship.

But it is also possible that they are both responsible young people who truly care for each other, and if allowed to date, will eventually learn to love each other in a mature way that will lead to marriage, family, and lifetime happiness. That’s what happened with me and my husband (we dated young and dated for several years before marriage).

I really urge the OP and others to please take a deep breath and think these things through carefully. I urge the OP to choose a prudent and thoughtful course of action rather than just reacting emotionally and grabbing a theoretical (or real) shotgun.

 

[SeaShoreGirl]

Everyone who’s saying that it’s horribe for a 17year old boy to like a 13yo girl has got to get with reality.

A 13yo physically is a woman. The two share a major common interest (swimming) and probably a lot of other interests. This interest is rather involved sport that requires hours of practice, and one which a 17yo would probably get alot of grief for. I know many swimmers that get mocked. Why is it so hard for the posters to see this as natural, and not perverted? Two sexually mature humans WILL be attracted to eachother in the right context, especally when they are both in the same state of life (eg, both in jr/sr high, living with parents, dealing with sibilings) It’s not creepy. That we constantly force people to group by their age IS creepy. For the 5000 years before the 21st century a 17man dating a 17yo woman would of been a scandal unless the woman was “addled”. In many societies there was a rule that a man had to be 3 years older at minimum. Sure our society norms are different but they DO share a common interest…so don’t go around acting like this guy picked her up at a hello Kitty store with a cheesy line that involved sexual innuendo.

The cell phone needs to be controlled, the parent needs to stay on top of things, both parents need to know what’s going on. The OP’s attitude that the daughter’s cell is a right, not a privilege is going to get them in more trouble than anything else.

At 13 forbidding it, locking her in her room and otherwise restraining her will just turn into something bad for the parent. This is an innoppurtune time, but he seems like a good guy and so the OP should deal with the situation delicatly. They may, as other posters have had life experiance with, end up together. (2 out of the 5 successful marriages of my friends started in Jr high, one with a similar age difference). Or the daughter will be a typical 13yo and in two weeks be fanticizing about Justin Beber. Keep her safe, don’t let her lie and let it run it’s course.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The people who are advocating this relationship continuing are taking things from their individual perspective, from their own life, or a couple of people they happen to know. From that they extrapolate that starting to date at age 12 or 13 is just fine, and an age spread of 4 years between a 13 year old girl and a 17 year old boy is also just fine.

The statistics are not on the side of this viewpoint, however. The way things are going, our society is highly dysfunctional and still going over a cliff. Parents used to have support from society for being conservative and protecting their young girls from older, possibly predatory boys. Now days parents have no support from society and in fact, are pushed to allow their girls and boys to carry out relationships when they have nothing to gain from being in these relationships. We are not in the 1800’s when couples got married at age 16 and started working on a farm and having babies.

Rather than talking about how wonderfully you turned out from early dating, or how great your kids are, why not address what a 13 year old girl and a 17 year old boy have in common OTHER than swimming? They aren’t talking about how to do the backstroke if the texts are being erased rather than let the mother read them. Read my sons’ responses to the question of what they would think if one of their peers was to be interested in an pursuing a MIDDLE SCHOOLER. Excuse me to the poster just above, but MIDDLE SCHOOL and HIGH SCHOOL have exactly NOTHING in common and should not. The maturity level of kids these ages is equivalent to a span of closer to 20 or 30 years. To say nothing of the physical development. You said a girl of 13 is a woman physically. She might be functional physically and able to conceive a baby. Does that mean she’s ready for the kind of relationship that might create a baby? She doesn’t have the emotional or spiritual or intellectual grounding she would need in order to even understand why this boy is interested in her. By the time she figures it out, she could be pregnant or could be emotionally hurt badly.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Everyone who’s saying that it’s horribe for a 17year old boy to like a 13yo girl has got to get with reality.

A 13yo physically is a woman. The two share a major common interest (swimming) and probably a lot of other interests. This interest is rather involved sport that requires hours of practice, and one which a 17yo would probably get alot of grief for. I know many swimmers that get mocked. Why is it so hard for the posters to see this as natural, and not perverted? Two sexually mature humans WILL be attracted to eachother in the right context, especally when they are both in the same state of life (eg, both in jr/sr high, living with parents, dealing with sibilings) It’s not creepy. That we constantly force people to group by their age IS creepy. For the 5000 years before the 21st century a 17man dating a 17yo woman would of been a scandal unless the woman was “addled”. In many societies there was a rule that a man had to be 3 years older at minimum. Sure our society norms are different but they DO share a common interest…so don’t go around acting like this guy picked her up at a hello Kitty store with a cheesy line that involved sexual innuendo.

The cell phone needs to be controlled, the parent needs to stay on top of things, both parents need to know what’s going on. The OP’s attitude that the daughter’s cell is a right, not a privilege is going to get them in more trouble than anything else.

At 13 forbidding it, locking her in her room and otherwise restraining her will just turn into something bad for the parent. This is an innoppurtune time, but he seems like a good guy and so the OP should deal with the situation delicatly. They may, as other posters have had life experiance with, end up together. (2 out of the 5 successful marriages of my friends started in Jr high, one with a similar age difference). Or the daughter will be a typical 13yo and in two weeks be fanticizing about Justin Beber. Keep her safe, don’t let her lie and let it run it’s course.

How did you reach this conclusion? The OP only says that this boy was a swimming coach. There is no other information other than he is keeping up contact with the girl even though the mother told him not to. You are assuming an awful lot - that the girl is physically mature, that this is a “good guy,” and that they might end up together.

 

[redroselover]

I completely agree with realjuliane that a 17 year old has no business with a 13 year old,.
period, as I have said in earlier posts. That we are just friends line is a very common one to get parents off track, The mom 's red flags tell her there is more. As i said I don’t think a 17 year should be friends with a 13 year old, even if that is all there is going on. . It introduces the 17 year old world. You are going to speed up all kinds of things for the 13 year old, She is going to be at a huge disadvantage and want to seem cool in front of 17 year olds.
I wouldn’t allow my daughter to date any one that was even 3 years older than her much less 5 years. She was told one grade up at most. and as I said that was at age 15, double dates, car driven by parents, and for special occassions like a prom. . She didn’t really date till an older 17 age and that was plenty stressful enough. . As I said I don’t think a 13 year old should be dating at all and I don’t think a 13 year old should be hanging out with 17 year olds.