17yr old is interested in my 13yr old daughter

[TheRealJuliane]

And I want to correct my earlier statement, I said that the boy was a swimming coach,**** but the OP just said he “helped out with the team.” So he wasn’t employed in any capacity that we know of. Nothing official, no job or position given. “Coach” might give him a type of legitimacy that he has not earned.

 

[redroselover]

No one is thinking swimmers are perverts or bad kids per se. . ALL my kids swam as I said through high school, both boys and girls, and 1 for a while in college. . It is a great sport, great exercise, really pushes the body hard, , and is great for self discipline… No one is suggesting that a sexual attraction between a 17 year old and a 13 year old is perverted. We are suggesting that to allow it to go forward is risking the 13 year old and that it would be very unusual for a 17 year old to be interested in a 13 year old as a friend. and interested in hanging out with her, As Juliane said middle school and high school are two completely different worlds. Some thing is just off in this. The mom already said she saw text messages from the boy that she considered inappropriate. /

 

[PattiDay]

How do we know the guy actually likes this girl? It could be that the OPs daughter is the one interested in the 17 year old boy. Often times guys at that age will flirt with girls younger than them just to be able to brag about having chicks intereste in them. It could also be that the daugher is the one with the interest and is initiating the courting.

The answer is obvious though: gain control of the situation. Some 13 year olds are mature enoughh to date and others are not. If the guy is about to go to college, many times he will go away for most of the time leaving the younger girl in th cold.

Most of the time, relationships that start in high school with a gap in ages and are successfull are those where the two either dont go to college or go to college together. It can be hard to be friends with those types because their relationship comes before their friendships.

NO 13 YEAR OLD IS MATURE ENOUGH TO DATE PERIOD

It doesn’t matter whether these two are ‘just friends’ or not and my guess is a 17 year old guy isn’t telling any of his buddies that his ‘friend’ is 13. They’d fall on the ground laughing and call him a PERV. The chronological age difference and life experience difference between these two is immense at this time of their lives. Everything screams that it’s a very bad idea.

The reason younger girls are getting pregnant is bcause they are little girls, because they don’t understand how to say no to a guy who tells them he loves her. This is not a question of trusting your little girl. This is a question of protecting her in a situation she’s not ready for. Let other mothers be BFF to their daughers. You need to be MOM, a mother willing to take a little heat in order to keep her daughter safe.

Would you give her the keys to the car and let her take it out on the interstate? No, because she’s too young and she doesn’t have the experience to make the kind of decisions necessary, wouldn’t be able to get out of the way, or even recognize danger if it were coming straight at her. Would you care if she said, Mom, you’re horrible, I hate you, you don’t trust me to take the car. You’d smile and say, that’s right honey, I don’t, because you are too young and because I love you and want you to be safe and to grow up someday to be a beautiful, healthy young lady

We say children can’t drive until they are 16, can’t vote until they are 18, can’t be in the military until they are 18, can’t drink until they are 18 and 21 in some states. Why not, because the law recognizes them as children, but somehow we have parents who think their 13 year old child is somehow more mature than other 13 year olds, old enough and wise enough to have a relationship with a 17 year old.

Don’t just turn your eyes away and hope nothing happens. Put on you Mommy armour and be strong. Let your little girl stay a little girl just a bit longer. Plenty of time for boys her own age a little later. BTW, where is her father?

 

[searching04]

A 17 year old boy should NOT be entertaining a relationship with a 13 year old girl. He should be more interested in girls his own age. If anything sexual happened between them, he could be charged with sexual molestation and end up on a predator’s list. This is serious as can be. He has transportation and can get to wherever she is, so your intuition might very well be correct. When my son connected with his last GF, she has her own car (he isn’t driving yet) and she would come over and get him and they would have total freedom. She is several months older than he is and more aggressive. It was a real problem for us because they could just ignore my restrictions. Several times he would say he was going for a walk but I am sure she met him and picked him up so they could be together.

I would take this VERY seriously. Disable texting on her phone. Block his number. Have her talk to him, if you allow it at all, on the home phone and in your presence, no secret conversations. If she refuses to do this then you can assume they are talking to each other not as friends. If she tries to erase texts then assume she is sneaking messages that she should not be writing. You cannot get the message content although you can see each phone call she makes, and you can see the phone numbers she’s texting, and when. I have Verizon and I pay an extra $5 for parental controls. I can turn off my son’s phone whenever I wish, block numbers, turn off texting, limit his messages from outside the verizon network. When he starts to drive I am going to put the GPS tracker on his phone and he WILL have it enabled when he’s in the car. I wish it was a stealth application but it’s OK because it’s take it or leave it - either you do this or you don’t drive, son. Do what it takes and use the technology to help you. It’s the times we live in.

Before you do any of that, sit your daughter down and have a talk with her. I hope that you have already been talking to her about what is ahead for her and what your expectations for her behavior are. Even if you plan to allow her to date, 13 is way too young and a boy 4 years older is far too old for her. At 13 I would only allow my sons to be out with a group, and not past 10 p.m. or so. I hope her father is heavily involved in showing her what a young man should treat her like. That does NOT include private texting, sneaking phone calls, or meeting somewhere that you do not know about. If you think she is vulnerable to any of these influences, tell her in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and you will be intervening whenever you think she is over her head. I hope you will be able to explain that this boy could end up in jail from his contact with her. If someone thinks they are getting sexual he could be reported and then his future is permanently affected.

My alarm bells would be ringing because a 13 year old girl can be very flattered by a 17 year old boy’s attentions, AND she does not have the personal strength or defenses to be able to refuse sexual contact if that’s what he is after.

OK, I’m chiming in. This is a cause for flat out ALARM, not concern.

I have four kids, three girls and a boy. Been thru the whole hell with my son and texting and before that, instant messaging when it first came out, and flat out rebellion because of the rules in the house, which all of my daughters were fine with. Now, my youngest daughter is 14 and is fortunately or unfortunately, well endowed. (“Why, yes, son, I do have a shotgun. Two, in fact. Come on in and sit down…”

From experience:

• No way in hell a 17 yr old should be interested in a 13 yr old.
• You are her parents - not her best friends, not her buddies, you’re not there to negotiate. You lay down the law and she follows it, period.
• Yes, you need to have a discussion with her as to the dangers of being 13, vulnerable, not able to fully understand just yet, all those things a parent should be saying and trying to explain.
• The texting is disabled, done, gone. If you can’t read them, she doesn’t use it. And even if she says “OK”, you can read how many she has on her phone and balance that with how many your phone records says she had - see if she is telling the truth.
• Same thing with facebook or any other social networking.
• GPS enable the phone, add parental controls - if she doesn’t like it, she loses priviledges and activities. They are priviledges, not rights; keeping her involved with the right groups and kids, though, can make all the difference. You pop in and visit where she is, unannounced.
• You immediately have a talk with the 17 yr old and his parents. He leaves her alone, period, or you seek legal action, period, No games, no second chances. Don’t know what state you’re in, but she is obviously underage and he, at 17, can be criminally liable for whatever happens, no matter what she says. Ask him if he wants to be a sex offender at 17, seriously. That will follow him forever.
• You make sure the swim coach or whoever the 17 yr old works for knows he is not to have contact with your daughter. You make sure both her school and his know it as well.
• Yes, your daughter could rebel; my son did and in spades. And it may well strain the relationship between you as a couple. But you have to do whatever it takes to protect her, especially as she is too young to understand. A child does not get to do what she/he wants to do; they do what is proper and allowed.
• It could be the kid is fine and upstanding. If so, he will understand why being interested in a 13 yr old is wrong. He can see her when she’s 16 and allowed to date. Chances are, unfortunately, there is more going on if your daughter is sneaking texts and talks.
• The case of the poster whose 14 yr old daughter dated and then married a 17 yr old is an absolute exception.

You need to execute some serious parental intervention, and right now.

 

[redroselover]

I don’t see why some of the people who would allow this to go forward think the rest of us that would prevent it are Attilla the Huns that would lock our kids in the closet. And I am sorry this is blunt but do you live in the USA in 2010? Dating and cell phones and cars and computers and going to the mall and allowances are not rights . They are privileges allowed based on responsible behavior and based on age appropriateness. Freedom comes in increments based on both age and responsible management of that behavior. And the behavior comes FIRST. As one person pointed out, would you allow a 13 year old to drive a car? When that freedom comes and they make a mistake then there should be an appropriate consequence. The 13 year old is abusing her privilege. She has been told no texting with the 17 year old, yet she is erasing and meeting him at the mall if I understood correctly., If you can’t set limits NOW when she is 13 what do you think is going to happen when you try to set them when she is 17 and has a car? When you set a curfew , which hopefully you will ? You are going to say oh well kids rebel, i can’t do anything?> Oh well, her friends don’;t have curfews? As those of you who have raised teenagers know, some big issues are heading this mother’s way. A thirteen year old needs to know her parents will protect her. That is love, she isn’t going to acknowledge it now, but one day hopefully she will thank you. My other kids were not interested in dating but the one social daughter was. We knocked heads over lots of issues, especially because so many of her friends did not have rules. She was not locked in a closet, but was expected to behave responsibly . She is now an adult and says thank you thank you thank you for holding the line. She saw what happened to all those kids who had all that freedom and says many a parent of her friends really owe me and haven’t a clue that they do because my pulling her in pulled them in and saved them from many a bad situation. To this mom, it does not have to be one extreme or the other. And as some one said where is the dad? He can make that phone call and let 17 year old know he plans on protecting his daughter.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Here’s where girls being told they mature faster than boys causes a lot of problems. Because it simply isn’t true. Physically yes, mentally/emotionally …oh, heck no! I had four sisters and each one of them went stupid when they hit high school. Oddly my eldest daughter didn’t. But that was as much her working at showing us we could trust her implicitly than anything we did as parents. (great line from a Robert Asprin novel, “You’ll never know if your kids succeed or fail because of you or despite you.”)

The core issue is your daughter needs to understand if she destroys your trust in her, that won’t come back easily if ever. Hiding/deleting texts and being secretive may seem like a good option to her now- but it’s going to make her life a disaster later.

• You will not let her do activities involving travel/staying away from home if you can’t trust her.
• If you can’t trust her, she certainly won’t be getting a drivers license and access to a car.
• Won’t be allowed to go to parties etc. because you won’t be able to trust her judgement not to drink or call for a ride home.

etc. etc. etc. And none of the above is a punishment, it’s just the reality of the consequences of destroying trust.

The 13 year old is just finding out that she’s attractive to boys, that she can hold their attention, can exercise power over them through her sexuality. Intoxicating to some. Normal, all girls experience it, the challenge is how do we as parents get them to understand we’ve been there, done that, have the T-shirt and/or scars that go along with the territory? And seen others get that scar, touch the stove and get burned?

Especially to get them to understand there are predators/males who are well aware of where a 13yr old female is mentally/emotionall and take advantage of it. Don’t know about swim boy, but the 13 yr old is entering the age of female stupidity and he may be deliberately taking advantage of it.

And a 13yr old tends to believe they are smarter than the parents and just don’t understand- ‘He loves me!’ ‘I really love him’, ‘You’re ruining my life’. They tend to refuse to acknowledge that they’re naive and inexperienced. As my older sister advised my younger sister, “You’re not in love you’re in heat, wring out your shorts and calm down!”

Be the parent now so you’ll have no regrets later. You know your kid better than anyone and what works for that kid will be different than what works for mine. Or even your other kids. I do not treat my kids equally, they have each ended up picking their own punishments, they each respond differently what works for one is different than what works for others.

My advice,
First- Talk with your kid about trust, how they’re going to earn it.

Second- Talk to the boy and his parents, with your daughter. If she’s too embarassed to go do this with you, she’s too young to start anything resembling dating.

Third- Lay down the law on the cell phone and other tech devices. You pay for it and/or she’s a minor you get to make the rules- whether it’s random checks, blocking texts or complete elimaniton and you give her the change to make a call from a payphone. Your house, your rules, she wants your trust she abides by them. Period. If your internet access passes through a router, you can put time limits, block sites and keywords etc. You can install keystroke loggers etc. You can either do this covertly and find out what she’s up to, i.e. spy. Or you can do this overtly to discourage her from attempting stuff.

Fourth- Try to make your house the hang out house. You may be doing this already, but our best intel and confidence building in our daughter’s judgement (God bless my ex-wife) was making ALL her friends, even the shady ones, feel welcome in our home as long as they respected our rules. They can be hanging out at the park or the mall or in your house. Where would you rather they be? Yeah, the boys could be foul-mouthed but we got to know them and their parents. Routine for their folks to call our house on a friday night to find out if they were there because jr wasn’t answering his cell phone. One boy started having trouble with his folks and wouldn’t respond to them, but would respond to my ex-wife calling/texting him.

Fifth- IMHO, 13 is too young to date, by that I mean one-on-one alone time with a guy. Depending on your child YMMV- but a kid who’s deleting stuff and hiding it from their folks is showing they are far too immature for one-on-one. I think this is the time where girls should start understanding what guys are about by hanging out in groups with kids their own age. And your daughter is probably experiencing that in the activities you have her involved in. Invite those groups, or members of those groups over- pizza-movie night, planning sessions for the group, fund raising meeting and social etc.

Sixth- Sometimes your kid will listen better to an authority figure other than you. Is there an aunt/uncle/grandparent she has a good relationship with? Does she like to read, than perhaps Dr. Laura Schlessingers stuff or George Guilder’s ‘Men and Marriage’ would be a good counter to the stuff in the teen media.

Good luck and God bless

 

[redroselover]

oh and by the way this idea that she needs her cell phone while at an extra curricular school activity to say call you that she needs to be picked up, my daughter gave me that line once when I took her phone away. My response was borrow. She also was not allowed to go to the mall or such public places unless she had her phone for safety reasons. . , If she had lost her phone privileges then, oh well , guess you can’t go to the mall. It is amazing how quickly they can change behavior when they know you mean it.

 

[searching04]

Everyone who’s saying that it’s horribe for a 17year old boy to like a 13yo girl has got to get with reality.

A 13yo physically is a woman. The two share a major common interest (swimming) and probably a lot of other interests. This interest is rather involved sport that requires hours of practice, and one which a 17yo would probably get alot of grief for. I know many swimmers that get mocked. Why is it so hard for the posters to see this as natural, and not perverted? Two sexually mature humans WILL be attracted to eachother in the right context, especally when they are both in the same state of life (eg, both in jr/sr high, living with parents, dealing with sibilings) It’s not creepy. That we constantly force people to group by their age IS creepy. For the 5000 years before the 21st century a 17man dating a 17yo woman would of been a scandal unless the woman was “addled”. In many societies there was a rule that a man had to be 3 years older at minimum. Sure our society norms are different but they DO share a common interest…so don’t go around acting like this guy picked her up at a hello Kitty store with a cheesy line that involved sexual innuendo.

The cell phone needs to be controlled, the parent needs to stay on top of things, both parents need to know what’s going on. The OP’s attitude that the daughter’s cell is a right, not a privilege is going to get them in more trouble than anything else.

At 13 forbidding it, locking her in her room and otherwise restraining her will just turn into something bad for the parent. This is an innoppurtune time, but he seems like a good guy and so the OP should deal with the situation delicatly. They may, as other posters have had life experiance with, end up together. (2 out of the 5 successful marriages of my friends started in Jr high, one with a similar age difference). Or the daughter will be a typical 13yo and in two weeks be fanticizing about Justin Beber. Keep her safe, don’t let her lie and let it run it’s course.

No, you do not let a 17 yr old interested in a 13 yr old run its course.

A 13 yr old is not sexually mature, other than maybe physically; if things get out of hand, it is pregnancy at 13 for her and statutory rape for him. Nice, huh?

It is not Little House on the Prairie days. Life is different unfortunately. At 13, there are rules to live by (hell, as long as she is in the parents’ house, there are rules, no matter her age) to keep her safe, whether she understands or not. There is such a thing as a parent saying “Because I said so” and it is not a bad thing.

Could restricting her cause her to rebel? Could be. But parents do not get held hostage by the fear their child may rebel. This happened with my wife and me; my son rebelled all the time and it was a great point of dissention for us; life was hell for a number of years. But you do not cave into a rebellious child because they cannot follow basic rules. Do you sacrifice the rest of the family to satisfy one child who refuses to behave? No, you don’t.

You earn trust first and then extra privileges are added on; you don’t get privileges first.

 

[searching04]

To the folks asking “where is Dad?”, good question, and God bless the OP if she is alone in this.

I can tell you when things hit the fan with my son, and my wife and I could not agree, I made the final decision as the father in the house. The kids do not have to like you for doing the right thing; you just have to do the right hting. You’re a parent, not a friend.

 

[searching04]

oh and by the way this idea that she needs her cell phone while at an extra curricular school activity to say call you that she needs to be picked up, my daughter gave me that line once when I took her phone away. My response was borrow. She also was not allowed to go to the mall or such public places unless she had her phone for safety reasons. . , If she had lost her phone privileges then, oh well , guess you can’t go to the mall. It is amazing how quickly they can change behavior when they know you mean it.

Bingo!

 

[redroselover]

i would also like to pass on a suggestion that may be of some help to some. A friend of mine who was having trouble with her middle school son not doing his homework but getting totally distracted with texting and phone calls and was not getting his sleep at night for the same reason did the following. She put a basket at the door. Her son entered after school and the phone went in the basket. When he had finished his homework (not when he said he had finished but when he established to her satisfaction that he had finished,) he got the phone back. At bed time , phone went back in basket. In the morning when he was dressed and ready for school, he got phone back.

 

[PattiDay]

i would also like to pass on a suggestion that may be of some help to some. A friend of mine who was having trouble with her middle school son not doing his homework but getting totally distracted with texting and phone calls and was not getting his sleep at night for the same reason did the following. She put a basket at the door. Her son entered after school and the phone went in the basket. When he had finished his homework (not when he said he had finished but when he established to her satisfaction that he had finished,) he got the phone back. At bed time , phone went back in basket. In the morning when he was dressed and ready for school, he got phone back.

What an excellent idea. I saw a statistic in Simple Magazine I believe that 85% of teens sleep with their phones. They must be expecting some important text or call at 3:00 AM, maybe from a friend telling them to turn off the TV and computer in their bedroom. No wonder they always look so tired.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Here’s where girls being told they mature faster than boys causes a lot of problems. Because it simply isn’t true. Physically yes, mentally/emotionally …oh, heck no! I had four sisters and each one of them went stupid when they hit high school. Oddly my eldest daughter didn’t. But that was as much her working at showing us we could trust her implicitly than anything we did as parents. (great line from a Robert Asprin novel, “You’ll never know if your kids succeed or fail because of you or despite you.”)

The core issue is your daughter needs to understand if she destroys your trust in her, that won’t come back easily if ever. Hiding/deleting texts and being secretive may seem like a good option to her now- but it’s going to make her life a disaster later.

• You will not let her do activities involving travel/staying away from home if you can’t trust her.
• If you can’t trust her, she certainly won’t be getting a drivers license and access to a car.
• Won’t be allowed to go to parties etc. because you won’t be able to trust her judgement not to drink or call for a ride home.

etc. etc. etc. And none of the above is a punishment, it’s just the reality of the consequences of destroying trust.

:bowdown::clapping::yup: Could not have said it better! I tried to tell my 2nd son this as he rebelled, snuck out of the house repeatedly, lied and stole from me. It’s not that I am punishing him - it’s that broken trust that gives me pause. Can I now trust him? Once the trust is broken, as you say, it’s hard to ever trust that way again, especially the lying and sneaking. Because the person who lies can always tell you, ?This time, I’m not lying," but then they are.

Excellent advice, great post!!

 

[styrgwillidar]

TheRealJulianne,

Thank you. But thanks really go to my eldest daughter, she was very challenging as she has always been confrontational and convinced that whatever she was doing is right. At 3 she was saying, “You’re not the boss of me, you go in the corner!!”
The upside of that was, she never hid things from us and came at us head on. She would fight over what she thought the rules should be, but ultimately would abide by them. Or, given that we knew she would not hide things, work out a compromise. Since we knew she would not hide things, we also knew we could trust her.

 I had always maintained I would not let a daughter date prior to 16. But I actually allowed her to date at 15 because she came to her mother and discussed it, then they approached me. I met the boy as well as his parents and he came over several times prior to them dating.

ETA: She’s in college now, and I gave her a credit card for my account. She calls prior to putting anything on it. Even as trivial as a coffee, or lunch if she forgot to bring it.

 

[TeenageConvert]

Here’s the backstory. My daughter is 13 and she joined a recrerational swin team over the summer, and fell in love with the sport. She met the 17yr old high school guy through swimming. He helps out with their team, which was great. Now, they text message all the time and always chat on her phone. She definitely has a crush on him. I was hoping that he thought of her as a lil sister, but I got hold of her cellphone, and read some of the text messages that he sent her, and they read much like a guy that is courting a girl. I want to put a stop to this now! I confronted my daughter about the text messages, so now she erases all the information on her phone, and takes it everywhere she goes. I’m worried that she’s secretly seeing him when we drop her off to see friends. I also confronted the guy and told him that my daughter has a cruch on you, and I hope that your smart enough to know that she’s off limit. He claims that they are just friends, but I don’t believe him or her.

I can’t take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she’s involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she’s 30 isn’t the answer.

What is a mom to do?

Advice please?

Well, I’m 14 but I’m a guy, I text my 19 year old friend Candace alot. When we talk alot of times it’s flirting, and we call each other sexy lols, but we’re not seeing each otehr or anything, besides I’m not stupid I know it would be wrong(and probably illegal) to have a realatonship with Candace, we just like to flirt, but kind of flit with girls without really trying…kind of a natural thing for me haha:shrug: Maybe it’s the same kind of thing with her, but if you’re really worried, you can check her bill and all the messages will be there, whether she deletes them on her phone or not.

 

[joandarc2008]

Well, I’m 14 but I’m a guy, I text my 19 year old friend Candace alot. When we talk alot of times it’s flirting, and we call each other sexy lols, but we’re not seeing each otehr or anything, besides I’m not stupid I know it would be wrong(and probably illegal) to have a realatonship with Candace, we just like to flirt, but kind of flit with girls without really trying…kind of a natural thing for me haha:shrug: Maybe it’s the same kind of thing with her, but if you’re really worried, you can check her bill and all the messages will be there, whether she deletes them on her phone or not.

This is not on you but more on your 19-year old friend but I would say due to your ages that this is a sin of scandal as it can cause people around you to think that there is something going on that shouldn’t be, I know for me as a responsible adult if I heard another adult speaking to someone your age like that I would be getting someone to look a lot harder into that situation. You may want to consider this and tone it down until you are a bit older.

This is the Sin of Scandal and you can find it under the fifth commandment because it can lead to the spiritual death of another:

II. RESPECT FOR THE DIGNITY OF PERSONS

Respect for the souls of others: scandal

2284 Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor’s tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.

2285 Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."86 Scandal is grave when given by those who by nature or office are obliged to teach and educate others. Jesus reproaches the scribes and Pharisees on this account: he likens them to wolves in sheep’s clothing.87

2286 Scandal can be provoked by laws or institutions, by fashion or opinion.

Therefore, they are guilty of scandal who establish laws or social structures leading to the decline of morals and the corruption of religious practice, or to "social conditions that, intentionally or not, make Christian conduct and obedience to the Commandments difficult and practically impossible."88 This is also true of business leaders who make rules encouraging fraud, teachers who provoke their children to anger,89 or manipulators of public opinion who turn it away from moral values.

2287 Anyone who uses the power at his disposal in such a way that it leads others to do wrong becomes guilty of scandal and responsible for the evil that he has directly or indirectly encouraged. "Temptations to sin are sure to come; but woe to him by whom they come!"9

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, I’m 14 but I’m a guy, I text my 19 year old friend Candace alot. When we talk alot of times it’s flirting, and we call each other sexy lols, but we’re not seeing each otehr or anything, besides I’m not stupid I know it would be wrong(and probably illegal) to have a realatonship with Candace, we just like to flirt, but kind of flit with girls without really trying…kind of a natural thing for me haha:shrug: Maybe it’s the same kind of thing with her, but if you’re really worried, you can check her bill and all the messages will be there, whether she deletes them on her phone or not.

Unfortunately the phone companies will not give parents the content of text messages, only the number texted, the data amount sent, and the time of the text. If there was some criminal action then the DA might be able to get that information but it would take a court order.for the phone companies to release it. There might be programs you can install, that will send every text to your computer or something…I know we have a program that logs everything that’s done on the computer, but not sure they have an app for that on cell phones. The OP needs to call her cell provider and check to see if she has any options. Like I pay $5 extra a month for parental controls and I can turn my son’s phone on and off whenever I need to, I can block numbers or allow numbers, and I can limit the out of network texts that he gets or sends.

I would not install anything without the daughter knowing, at this point. I would let her know that by deleting messages, she has earned my suspicion and broken my trust. Then I would give her one more chance to stop contacting this boy. I would check the cell records to make sure she is not calling him (she can always borrow someone elses’ phone if she is really determined to plow forward.

 

[LemonAndLime]

I would not install anything without the daughter knowing, at this point. I would let her know that by deleting messages, she has earned my suspicion and broken my trust. Then I would give her one more chance to stop contacting this boy. I would check the cell records to make sure she is not calling him (she can always borrow someone elses’ phone if she is really determined to plow forward.

But what about her trusting her mother back? How can she trust her mother who is calling her a liar and is invading her privacy?

I think that there is a fine line between protecting your children and smoothering them in cotton wool. While I understand the concern, the action should be in communication with the daughter/children rather than policing their every move. Trust should be both ways, and parents should trust their child as well as the child trusting them. How is the child expected to trust their parents by talking to them about what is going on, when they know the parent isn’t trusting them back? This plan of action will only push them away. And as a 20-year old who has only just moved away from parents who tried to be this controlling, I can guarentee it. But, I wasn’t close to my parents anyway because of other issues.

[By the way, I have read your reply to my thread but I’m not sure how to reply to it. I am currently trying to reflect on the issues myself, re-reading everyones advice and praying before I speak to others about this further. I do appreciate your bluntness hwoever. ]

 

[spunjalebi]

I think the mom should just nip this in the bud and contact the boy’s parents and let them know about their relationship. I don’t think it’s necessary to assume that there is romantic interest, but just dropping a line of “I believe our children have befriended each other, and may possibly be spending time together. I also think it’s a good idea for us as parents to keep an eye out just in case this goes any further.” Or better yet-- why don’t you send a clear message to your daughter and this boy by inviting him over for dinner and having a casual conversation about setting good boundaries?

For the time being, stop freaking out overtly and reel it in a little bit. Get rid of texting if you have to, and remind your daughter that having a cell phone is a privilege that most children didn’t start to have until the late 1990’s, if that. If she chooses to abuse the privilege by lying, sneaking around, etc. there will be consequences. The 17-year old needs to be mindful of the influence he has considering the fact that he’s a coach.

I have to agree with Cat-- I think while children are still under the roof of their parents’ homes, there needs to be experience with romantic relationships under parental guidance. Personally, I think that some of what “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” taught was good, but some of it wasn’t.

 

[redroselover]

lemonlime If you weren’t close to your parents it is probably because you could not talk openly with them. The parents can set rules but still remain in conversation. They can listen to the daughter’s feelings, for example, that she thinks the guy is attractive, they can show they understand and not freak over that, they need to not treat her like a child , like a little girl so that her budding womanhood is understood and acknowledged. They can sympathize, understand, do so calmly, no yelling, no freaking out, no saying horrible things about the guy which will shut off conversation, try to explain the rules and the reasons for them , negotiate some things, but still hold the line on this because a 13 year old is just too immature to date a 17 year old. They do not have to call her names like liar. They also need to not break trust by lying to her. They can tell her exactly what they intend to do , not sneak it on her.