17yr old is interested in my 13yr old daughter

[LemonAndLime]

I think it might really be a matter of that you haven’t had kids yet. I trust my daughter, but I don’t always trust some of the people that try to befriend her. I have read her texts from time to time. I have passwords to her email accounts and both me and my husband will randomly check her conversations if a new friend suddenly pops up in her contacts. Especially if her behavior has changed with a sudden new friendship. Trust is not just a blanket statement, you don’t just give all trust, all the time to your child. Sometimes trust is a case by case decision. My daughter’s friends have to earn my trust just as much as she has had to do her whole life. When it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, you don’t just blindly trust your child to have free rein. You don’t just throw them out there to learn their own way in relationships with just anybody that comes along and expresses an interest in your child.

Yes, friendships can exist with all ages, and between both genders. My daughter is friends with many of the older kids on her swim team and talks to them through email and such. But if a 15 year old was suddenly texting my 11 year old daugther individually, I certainly would have my radar up and be having many discussions with my daughter about what is and isn’t appropriate in any kind of friendship with the opposite sex.

If at any time my daughter proves she can not be trusted with friendships on her phone or computer, you better believe those will disappear in a heartbeat until she can learn to be trusted again.

I can understand that, but surely if you were to start removing privilages etc it would only serve to make your child sneakier and object to the control? If you were to find what you considored inappropriate texts or emails, would blocking him/her from emailing that person again/using their email at all really solve the “problem”? My parents, instead of talking to me about why I was emailing a guy I met on the internet, shouted angrily at me and stopped me from using the computer for a week. I hated my parents for weeks after that, and all it did was made me sneakier, trust my parents less, and made me more protective about the time I spent on the computer. Nothing was actually going on between me and this guy, and never did - but my parents assumed that something was going on, despite what I said, so I completely sympathise with this OP’s daughter.

Besides, why read her emails and texts? Why not ask her who shes emailing or texting when you see her doing so? How would you feel if someone was reading your emails or texts?

Note: I’m not trying to be confrontational, or aggressive - I hope I don’t come across as such. I just really cannot understand this kind of parenting. I appreciate people taking the time to understand why they have this stance themselves, even though it seems a bit silly that I should have such a strong opinion on something which I have only experienced from one side… but then, the parents on this forum have only experienced this from one side also - as I think my generation is the first to fully use emails/text to communicate with the opposite sex as children/teenagers.

 

[Cristiano]

My almost 15 y/o son happened to read his thread while I was browsing it. His comment was that the mother has the right and authority to check the messages and to take the phone away because her daughter cannot be trusted; she is the one that erases the messages. He also said that the daughter better trust the mother because she is the one with authority, experience, and true interest in her welfare. Finally he said that a 17 y/o boy chasing a 13 y/o girl is creepy because it is just about sexual attraction and narcissism.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think anyone is arguing against that. What I would like to re-assert however is that there is no evidence of dating. The mother, who appears to be over-protective by my standards, read some texts and decided they were inappropriate, and confronted the daughter who said there was nothing going on. So now the mother has decided to take from that the assumption that the 17 year old IS interested in her. The title of this thread is misleading, it should be “I fear that this 17yr old is interested in my 13yr old daughter”.

Also, I don’t want to comment further until the OP does response to this thread. Seems a odd there hasn’t been further communication from her.

Edit: Just to add, there have been posters on this forum who have stated “A 17 year old boy is only interested in one thing” - or something similar, so it is not a ridiculous assertion from my point of view when I say that some posters have that opinion, when they have actually stated so.

The mother also TOLD the young man that her daughter has a crush on him and that it is inappropriate, to which the boy basically said, “Oh well.” Again, we as parents have been teenagers, but you as recent teens have not been parents yet. We know what we did, thus, we have experience that tells us what our teens might do. You, from your perspective, think the mom is being over-protective. And to that, I say, SO WHAT?

What harm comes from being over-protective? What harm comes from not being protective at all? Of the two, I’ll take the first, thank you very much. And my kids would thank me later, although in the moment they wouldn’t like it very much. My own 17 year old son, got entangled sexually with a very aggressive girl a couple of months, not years, older than he is. I warned him and warned him of the possible consequences. He persisted (she pursued him). Thank God there was no pregnancy, but he did get dumped, and he was shattered. After she dumped him, he was literally HOWLING in pain. So, you can call me over-protective until I take my last breath. I can live with it. If it saves my kids from that kind of emotional pain, so be it.

I deeply wish my own father had stopped me from some of the stuff I did.

You did not say “some,” you said “ALL” - go back and re-read your post.

Those of us who are parents now and have been either 17 year old boys with hormones raging, or 13 year old girls who want to be loved by someone, especially a hot 17 year old boy, will have a different perspective from you youngsters who have not been through all the phases we’ve been through. Have a kid of your own, raise her or him as best you can, then go through this experience and come back and tell me what you believe is best then.

 

[PatriceA]

I can understand that, but surely if you were to start removing privilages etc it would only serve to make your child sneakier and object to the control? If you were to find what you considored inappropriate texts or emails, would blocking him/her from emailing that person again/using their email at all really solve the “problem”? My parents, instead of talking to me about why I was emailing a guy I met on the internet, shouted angrily at me and stopped me from using the computer for a week. I hated my parents for weeks after that, and all it did was made me sneakier, trust my parents less, and made me more protective about the time I spent on the computer. Nothing was actually going on between me and this guy, and never did - but my parents assumed that something was going on, despite what I said, so I completely sympathise with this OP’s daughter.

Besides, why read her emails and texts? Why not ask her who shes emailing or texting when you see her doing so? How would you feel if someone was reading your emails or texts?

Note: I’m not trying to be confrontational, or aggressive - I hope I don’t come across as such. I just really cannot understand this kind of parenting. I appreciate people taking the time to understand why they have this stance themselves, even though it seems a bit silly that I should have such a strong opinion on something which I have only experienced from one side… but then, the parents on this forum have only experienced this from one side also - as I think my generation is the first to fully use emails/text to communicate with the opposite sex as children/teenagers.

Did you miss the part that I said I would be having many, many discussions with my daughter on what is appropriate and inappropriate when it concerns a friendship with the opposite sex? You take away the “privilege” but you have to back it up with many discussions as well. Its not a right to have an email account, or a phone, its a privilege, one that is earned with proven trust.

I said I have read her emails and texts when her behavior suddenly changed and a few new friends suddenly popped up at the same time. And these were girls, not boys, that suddenly were texting my daughter with very inappropriate conversations. She has earned the privilege to email her friends that have proven trustworthy by our standards. I usually just ask her who she chatted with recently, what’s new with her friends, etc. and leave it at that. But when a new friend, male or female, suddenly pops up and the child behavior changes, the situation needs to be addressed in the best way you know how to get through to your child. Sometimes that’s just a simple discussion, other times it might be more drastic in that they no longer have access to how ever they were in contact with a questionable new friendship.

You can not compare someone reading my emails and texts because I am an adult, have proven I can protect myself from people that may not have the best intentions in mind when it comes to my welfare. I know how to build trust in a friendship. A teenager, especially a 13 year old, has not learned that not everyone has their best interests in mind, or how to weed out the jerks and/or build mutual trust in a relationship/friendship. That’s our job as a parent.

The technology of emails/texts may be new to my daughter’s generation. BUT, this issue of teaching our children what may or may not be appropriate in a friendship/relationship is not new. Its been going on for generations. Its still the same old problem that our kids may sometimes be heading into a situation that is too mature for them to handle and they can’t recognize it. I wish my parents had discussed more with me about how to handle myself when it came to boys and what is expected. I was thrown more to the wolves, just say “no” and it will all be ok, and its anything but if you have not been given the tools to handle yourself with the opposite sex or have been given too much freedom at too young of an age.

Perhaps the mother in the OP did go overboard, or perhaps she has very good reasons to be so drastic. The bottom line is that she is concerned that a 17 year old is contacting her 13 year old, and that alone for me makes me give the mother the benefit of the doubt.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I can understand that, but surely if you were to start removing privilages etc it would only serve to make your child sneakier and object to the control? If you were to find what you considored inappropriate texts or emails, would blocking him/her from emailing that person again/using their email at all really solve the “problem”? My parents, instead of talking to me about why I was emailing a guy I met on the internet, shouted angrily at me and stopped me from using the computer for a week. I hated my parents for weeks after that, and all it did was made me sneakier, trust my parents less, and made me more protective about the time I spent on the computer. Nothing was actually going on between me and this guy, and never did - but my parents assumed that something was going on, despite what I said, so I completely sympathise with this OP’s daughter.

Besides, why read her emails and texts? Why not ask her who shes emailing or texting when you see her doing so? How would you feel if someone was reading your emails or texts?

Note: I’m not trying to be confrontational, or aggressive - I hope I don’t come across as such. I just really cannot understand this kind of parenting. I appreciate people taking the time to understand why they have this stance themselves, even though it seems a bit silly that I should have such a strong opinion on something which I have only experienced from one side… but then, the parents on this forum have only experienced this from one side also - as I think my generation is the first to fully use emails/text to communicate with the opposite sex as children/teenagers.

No, your parents’ actions did not MAKE you choose the reactions - those were YOUR CHOICE. You can blame your parents for all sorts of your own choices. If you choose to become sneakier, then that is within you as a choice. I have one son who is like that too. He wants to do what he wants to do, and damn anyone in his way. If someone tries to stop him, that is THEIR problem, not his. In the dictionary, next to the word “stubborn,” is a picture of him. He cannot see that my responses are directed toward his ultimate safety. He believes that I over-react. But I can see dangers that he cannot see, being a 17 year old. He has not lived through all the years between his age and mine.

It is totally irrelevant about technology, other than that there are many more opportunities for predators to reach young children. The simple rules of human interaction do not change, regardless of technology.

I could list all the stuff my sister went through due to her own rebellion, and every single person who read it would be shocked, and that was over 30 years ago. Nothing changes when kids don’t understand what they are dealing with and get in way over their heads. Let’s just say she could have gone to prison for a long time, and she was only 15 years old. She was out of her depth, our dad was unable to control her, and it was God who kept her out of prison.

As I said, when you’ve had your kids, come talk to me.

 

[LemonAndLime]

What harm comes from being over-protective?

This is the crucial point we seem to be sticking on so I’ll react to that. A LOT of harm can come from being over-protected. Being naiive? Lack of ability to function on your own because you have no worldly experiences, have never been allowed to learn from your own mistakes?

Saying that I was to blame for my negative reaction to my parent’s being overbearing is like saying that it is completely the child’s own effort which lead to them being a moral person. It’s a two-way thing. That case however was a one-off, and looking back - my parents were right to be concerned, but there way of reacting was not right. Anger is not a good way to begin dialogue.

About being over-protective using alcohol as an example (a different topic but it shows my point).

I had a female friend called H growing up who I was close to, we would have sleepovers and things when we were about 13-14, play video games etc. One night my mum got some really weak alcopop-type drink called WKD and gave us half a glass each as a treat, about 200mls. Not even half a unit of alcohol in that. We had that to drink, nothing else, no problem, she slept over and then she went home the next day. I thought it was pretty cool to drink alcohol at the time, and so did she - it was a “grown-up” drink.

Later the following afternoon, H’s mum phoned mine. And said that she was going to take her child to the doctor to check her over, and informed my mother that alcohol was forbidden in H’s home until H reached 18, the legal age to buy (although in the UK there is no law against a child drinking alcohol at home under supervision, and someone over the age of 15 can drink alcohol in a pub as long as its with a meal and brought by an adult). H’s mother said she was disgusted, and that if her daughter ever came home “drunk” she would take her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. When I next saw H in school, she told me that her mother told her that any kind of alcohol is bad and not allowed.

I continued to have small amounts of alcohol at family get-togethers etc, and I am now virtually teetotal most of the year, dislike going out drinking because I got fed up of looking after people, and I only drink on special occasions. H is now also at university, and gets drunk every weekend, sometimes during the week too, and had a reputation for drinking herself under the table even before she was 18 when she was let out of the house. That’s another reason why I think being over-protective is bad.

PatriceA - I think your situation is good. Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest you didn’t have dialogue with your daughter. I am also aware that because I don’t have children my opinion is somewhat invalid, but that doesn’t mean my opinion is a valuable one as one from the other side of things who has only recently entered adulthood. I think your way of doing things is probably how I would go about it when I had children. Only imposing restrictions when I had cause to. I would like to think I would never read my children’s texts unless I already had cause.

 

[LemonAndLime]

What harm comes from being over-protective?

This is the crucial point we seem to be sticking on so I’ll react to that. A LOT of harm can come from being over-protected. Being naiive? Lack of ability to function on your own because you have no worldly experiences, have never been allowed to learn from your own mistakes?

Saying that I was to blame for my negative reaction to my parent’s being overbearing is like saying that it is completely the child’s own effort which lead to them being a moral person. It’s a two-way thing. That case however was a one-off, and looking back - my parents were right to be concerned, but there way of reacting was not right. Anger is not a good way to begin dialogue.

About being over-protective using alcohol as an example (a different topic but it shows my point).

I had a female friend called H growing up who I was close to, we would have sleepovers and things when we were about 13-14, play video games etc. One night my mum got some really weak alcopop-type drink called WKD and gave us half a glass each as a treat, about 200mls. Not even half a unit of alcohol in that. We had that to drink, nothing else, no problem, she slept over and then she went home the next day. I thought it was pretty cool to drink alcohol at the time, and so did she - it was a “grown-up” drink.

Later the following afternoon, H’s mum phoned mine. And said that she was going to take her child to the doctor to check her over, and informed my mother that alcohol was forbidden in H’s home until H reached 18, the legal age to buy (although in the UK there is no law against a child drinking alcohol at home under supervision, and someone over the age of 15 can drink alcohol in a pub as long as its with a meal and brought by an adult). H’s mother said she was disgusted, and that if her daughter ever came home “drunk” she would take her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. When I next saw H in school, she told me that her mother told her that any kind of alcohol is bad and not allowed.

I continued to have small amounts of alcohol at family get-togethers etc, and I am now virtually teetotal most of the year, dislike going out drinking because I got fed up of looking after people, and I only drink on special occasions. H is now also at university, and gets drunk every weekend, sometimes during the week too, and had a reputation for drinking herself under the table even before she was 18 when she was let out of the house. That’s another reason why I think being over-protective is bad. Better than being under-protective, sure - but I think in H’s case, being over-protective just on alcohol certainly had a negative effect.

PatriceA - I think your situation is good. Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest you didn’t have dialogue with your daughter. I am also aware that because I don’t have children my opinion is somewhat invalid, but that doesn’t mean my opinion is a valuable one as one from the other side of things who has only recently entered adulthood. I think your way of doing things is probably how I would go about it when I had children. Only imposing restrictions when I had cause to. I would like to think I would never read my children’s texts unless I already had cause.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Your mother violated the trust of your friend’s parents. Of course as a teenager you thought your mom was the cool one. That was wrong of her. I don’t expect that you will see it from my vantage point. But you don’t respect your mother now - any connection with decisions like this on her part? There was NO NEED for you girls to have alcohol. None. H’s mother may have over-reacted. As her mother, I would have not allowed her to go to your house again. I would have allowed you to continue to be her friend, but not under your mother’s charge.

It was not your mother’s privilege to give your friend alcohol. She wanted to be the “cool mum” and gain your approval as a buddy. She didn’t care about your friend very much. And your friend may have been an alcoholic at any rate, in which case, your mum introduced her to alcohol. Yippee.

 

[LemonAndLime]

Your mother violated the trust of your friend’s parents. Of course as a teenager you thought your mom was the cool one. That was wrong of her. I don’t expect that you will see it from my vantage point. But you don’t respect your mother now - any connection with decisions like this on her part? There was NO NEED for you girls to have alcohol. None. H’s mother may have over-reacted. As her mother, I would have not allowed her to go to your house again. I would have allowed you to continue to be her friend, but not under your mother’s charge.

It was not your mother’s privilege to give your friend alcohol. She wanted to be the “cool mum” and gain your approval as a buddy. She didn’t care about your friend very much. And your friend may have been an alcoholic at any rate, in which case, your mum introduced her to alcohol. Yippee.

While my mum should have asked H’s mum first, no harm came from my mother’s actions. In fact, when my mum asked H if her mom would be okay with it, she said her mom let her have some champagne at New Years eve (only a few months previous). Not sure if that was a lie or not on H’s part, but yes that’s irrelevant.

I think that if I found out that my child was allowed to have alcohol without the parent asking me first, I would be offended yes, I’m not saying my mother was correct in that story. But my story was intended to illistrate what harm over-protective parenting might lead to, because you asked.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Perhaps this family has a history of alcoholism, maybe why the mother reacted as she did. You think your friend drinks to excess because her mother over-protected her from alcohol, restricted it and tried to control it. I think it’s more likely that she would be drinking like that even IF her mother had not freaked out. People who act like alcoholics are not made that way because someone tries to protect them from alcohol.

Neither you nor I know the whole story of your friend’s family or why she drinks too much. I still maintain it was wrong of your mum to give you guys alcohol. Boundary violation, for what? It was not necessary. Your mother might have been the catalyst for your friend’s drinking, ever thought of that? Maybe it was less her mother’s reaction and more what happened inside her with that first taste of alcohol. I’ve heard a lot of alcoholics say that their first drink was like magic and they just knew they had found something very special for them.

There is more than one side to a story.

 

[searching04]

I can understand that, but surely if you were to start removing privilages etc it would only serve to make your child sneakier and object to the control? If you were to find what you considored inappropriate texts or emails, would blocking him/her from emailing that person again/using their email at all really solve the “problem”? My parents, instead of talking to me about why I was emailing a guy I met on the internet, shouted angrily at me and stopped me from using the computer for a week. I hated my parents for weeks after that, and all it did was made me sneakier, trust my parents less, and made me more protective about the time I spent on the computer. Nothing was actually going on between me and this guy, and never did - but my parents assumed that something was going on, despite what I said, so I completely sympathise with this OP’s daughter.

You don’t give a 13 yr old permission to do things when there are already concerns and questions. If talking and explaining doesn’t work, you cut off privileges, period. Could it make a child resentful and all that? Absolutely. We lived thru it, but I’d do it again.

Besides, why read her emails and texts? Why not ask her who shes emailing or texting when you see her doing so? How would you feel if someone was reading your emails or texts?

You read them to see what is happening that the child is not telling you. We found out a number of things by having to read instant messages, when that was new, and then texts and pictures. Turns the stomach, but we headed off some issues and had to make other parents aware of some serious things. Yeah, my son hated our guts, but we saved a kid’s life, too. I don’t care about being popular or liked; I will defend and take care of my family even if they don’t understand. We’re going thru it with my youngest, a beautifu boy-crazy 14 yr old; nothing bad, but she doesn’t get to date until 16 and all that stuff. In this case, with a 13 yr old girl being involved in some manner with a 17 yr old, parents need to get involved immediately. If the child is honest and it can be proven, then great; if not, protect her from herself and an older boy. If not, she could be pregnant and he goes to jail.

Note: I’m not trying to be confrontational, or aggressive - I hope I don’t come across as such. I just really cannot understand this kind of parenting. I appreciate people taking the time to understand why they have this stance themselves, even though it seems a bit silly that I should have such a strong opinion on something which I have only experienced from one side… but then, the parents on this forum have only experienced this from one side also - as I think my generation is the first to fully use emails/text to communicate with the opposite sex as children/teenagers.

You lived thru parents who reacted in a way you didn’t like or understand. You said yourself - you became more sneaky. As a parent, if my child has to be sneaky and become more so, then we have a problem. If we can be satisfied that the texting, etc is simple stuff, no problem. Unfortunately, it is not always the case and parents need to know what is going on. A child has to earn the trust and privileges, and hopefully, over time, that is the case. But privilges and freedoms are not given to a 13 yr old first and *then * the child gets to prove they deserve it or are mature enough to handle it. They prove it first, then get the freedoms.

 

[redroselover]

I am one of the parents who thinks a 13 year old girl should not be hanging out with or dating a 17 year old boy. I asked my 19 year old daughter what she thought of a 17 year old being interested in a 13 year old. Her response was “WHAT?” “Gross” “Creeper”. Then she said “surely he doesn’t know she is 13. 13 is middle school” . I responded no , he knows she is 13. She said without any prompting from me, “a 13 year old should not be dating a 17 year old” I asked why. She said “because a 13 year old is too immature, DUH”.
This does not mean she or I think all 17 year old boys are scum, cruds etc. I have raised sons, she has brothers, she has dated 17 year olds, lovely young men. She had many boys who were just nice 17 year old friends. She gets it. A thirteen year old has no business in a 17 year old high school world.
The original OP saw text messages from the boy that told her he was probably interested in her daughter. Remember as all of you evaluate this young man the mother has seen some of his messages and her alarm bells went off,. I am going to trust that she is not a paranoid nut but knows what she saw. She only looked at text messages because her alarm bells were going off, not just to be nosy in general. . That is a mother on guard who knows she is being misled. . I know this seems like a violation of privacy but some times behavior is getting out of control and a parent just needs to know. The OP has not been on this thread again, but remember she did not ask for advice as to whether she should allow this. She asked for advice on how to get it to stop.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

While my mum should have asked H’s mum first, no harm came from my mother’s actions. I**n fact, when my mum asked H if her mom would be okay with it, she said her mom let her have some champagne at New Years eve (only a few months previous). Not sure if that was a lie or not on H’s part, but yes that’s irrelevant.
**
I think that if I found out that my child was allowed to have alcohol without the parent asking me first, I would be offended yes, I’m not saying my mother was correct in that story. But my story was intended to illistrate what harm over-protective parenting might lead to, because you asked.

Asking a 13 year old whether her parents are OK with her drinking is a very foolish thing to do. Of COURSE she is going to say, “No problem!” even if she knows her mom would have a conniption fit over it! And your mum must have known that. If she didn’t, then she’s not acting in a parental role. Was it a lie? I’ll bet you knew if you were best friends with H. And “alcopop” is you call it over there is quite the gateway substance…it tastes so good that kids start drinking almost before they realize what they are doing. You can also drink a lot of that junk before you know that you are getting drunk.

searching04 gave a great response. The technology that kids have now days is just one more risk area - our 17 year old has needed constant monitoring since he was 13 and created his first email account without our permission. He was sending VERY inappropriate messages to a classmate. We sure didn’t raise him like that! Middle school undid about 80% of what he’d learned up to that point, unfortunately. Anyway, I have told him from the start that anything he does on the internet is permanent and can be saved by anyone so he’d better not write anything he doesn’t want made public. He got another lesson on that recently. I think he finally understands it and believes me now. I still monitor him. I will until he leaves our house permanently. He’s immature and needs that checking. The stakes are way higher these days simply because there is now a permanent record that can be brought up to use against a person.

 

[searching04]

Asking a 13 year old whether her parents are OK with her drinking is a very foolish thing to do. Of COURSE she is going to say, “No problem!” even if she knows her mom would have a conniption fit over it! And your mum must have known that. If she didn’t, then she’s not acting in a parental role. Was it a lie? I’ll bet you knew if you were best friends with H. And “alcopop” is you call it over there is quite the gateway substance…it tastes so good that kids start drinking almost before they realize what they are doing. You can also drink a lot of that junk before you know that you are getting drunk.

searching04 gave a great response. The technology that kids have now days is just one more risk area - our 17 year old has needed constant monitoring since he was 13 and created his first email account without our permission. He was sending VERY inappropriate messages to a classmate. We sure didn’t raise him like that! Middle school undid about 80% of what he’d learned up to that point, unfortunately. Anyway, I have told him from the start that anything he does on the internet is permanent and can be saved by anyone so he’d better not write anything he doesn’t want made public. He got another lesson on that recently. I think he finally understands it and believes me now. I still monitor him. I will until he leaves our house permanently. He’s immature and needs that checking. The stakes are way higher these days simply because there is now a permanent record that can be brought up to use against a person.

You’re going thru with your son what we did with ours, starting at about the same age, too. Public school taught him things we never did in our house, in spite of best efforts; oddly, none of his three sisters ever had the same problems. Point being, phones need to be monitored and computers, too; keep them in a family room. Even with the computers schools are giving kids these days (which I absolutely hate), it is such a part of life, they don’t think twice about using technology. Example, I just checked the number of texts my daughter has on her phone by looking at the phone records - 8100. It does not say how many were sent vs received, but the point is, that is 270 a day; if she was awake for 16 hrs, that’s 17 texts every hr. I keep telling them to call whoever they are texting - be a real person! I saw it with my son and it continues with texting - technology has actually, genuinely affected interpersonal communication skills and how they write as well.

Here’s one for you - do you know that any pictures you take and send from your cell phone has a GPS tracking “tag”? The US Army even sent out a briefing warning soldiers and families. One guy doing the study was able to track down a girl, where she lived and worked, etc, just from the pictures he found on line. And with wireless and hacking, it’s a whole new world (old actually).

Do you know google tracks and records your e-mails and searches?

Technology has become such a part of everyday life, kids have no idea of the hazards, and parents are rushing to keep up.

 

[styrgwillidar]

For those of you pushing the ‘parents need to earn trust to’. The parent/child relationship is not an equal thing going both ways. If a kid gets in trouble and causes damage to others- the parents can be held responsible, sued and lose perhaps everything. That means not being able to take care of the family. A kid causes enough trouble and you can be looking at hundreds of thousands of dollars.

My Dad made that abundantly clear the day I got my driver’s license. Even with my having saved up enough to buy my own car, even paying my insurance separately on my own policy. My Dad pointed out I was under 18 and my Dad was the one who would get sued and lose his house to pay for any damages above and beyond what my policy would cover.

Parents don’t want to see their kids get hurt, unfortunately what kids see as intrusiveness or a lack of trust is simply parents trying to look for the warning signs to keep their kid from getting hurt. And that’s not an optional thing for parents, it’s their duty. Looking the other way and hoping for the best isn’t a parenting strategy- it’s a cop out. We don’t want our kids learning the hard way something the parent could help them avoid based on either bitter personal experience or having witnessed others make the same mistake.

 

[redroselover]

I would like to point out that the original OP indicated she was OK with the 17 year old having some contact with her daughter because she thought it was a big brother, little sister kind of thing so she did not immediately assume the boy was bad news. She began to suspect there was more and became alarmed enough to check text messages because she was probably not getting the truth from her daughter and noticed her daughter’s attraction. . Checking text messages is a pretty strong step on the mother’s part. She must have seen behavior to tell her there was more. . What she saw upon checking the text messages, rather than reassuring her, confirmed her concerns, so much so that she felt compelled to call the boy. . If a 17 year old is allowing flirting and flirting back then that is not appropriate… My guess is she saw flirting both ways, maybe some dirty or semi dirty joking or comments about appearances and such. I am reading between the lines, but she certainly saw something to tell her there was a sexual attraction going on .We have to assume that because her next step was to call the boy. Maybe the boy is just joking around and enjoying the flattery but even if that is all, he is drawing her in . It is just inappropriate and encouraging her. A mature, together 17 year old is not going to be interested in hanging out with a 13 year old as a buddy so what is his interest in her? At most he should be giving her swim stroke advice or things like that, like a big brother, , That would be acceptable. To be honest , if they are joking around even on the edges of sexually related matters, any kind of flirting even as jokes, that would make me very concerned, because that is how boys frequently wear down and influence young girls, first comes flirting , they just push to the next limit to see what the girl will allow, will she allow dirty jokes, and on. and this is an immature 13 year old getting attention from a much older boy and with a crush at that. . She is at tremendous disadvantage in terms of being influenced. If this boy is allowing flirting and not even fliting back that tells you quite a bit about him, but it seems she actually saw text messages from him she deemed inappropriate. . When the mother talked to the boy and told him that her daughter had a crush on him and she hoped he knew she was off limits, she was told by him they were just friends. That is a pretty standard line to throw parents off. Most of you parents of teens have probably figured that out. We are just friends said when flirting is obvious to you is a line to throw you off. He should have said to the mother of course she is off limits, I am sorry some of the texts got out of hand, I can see why you thought they were inappropriate, I will tell your daughter I am just a big brother, I will stop contact with her if you want, I will let your daughter know there is nothing between us. I was just joking but I will stop such jokes. because clearly it is giving your daughter the wrong impression and then he should have done all that. . What the mother got was daughter erasing text messages and she is pretty sure daughter is sneaking off to mall to meet the boy. Probably mother is going to find out she was right . Her radar was right the first time, the time when she checked the text messages or at least I am giving her the presumption of that. so she is probably going to find that daughter is erasing text messages to him and really is meeting him at the mall. That is not a description of a fine young man who is influencing a 13 year old in the right direction. It may turn out to all be a big misunderstanding on the mother’s part but I doubt it, and regardless this is so dangerous in my book that she is better being safe than sorry.
No one is saying she should not be in dialogue, respectful dialogue with her daughter. In fact now is the time for much open conversation and mom is going to need to be a good listener to get daughter to open up.

 

[spunjalebi]

Where is the OP???

 

[CatholicBoy1957]

13 and 17? That’s about the age of Mary and Joseph when he took her in to his home. So there isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with the ages.

Being the same age doesn’t necessarily make a young man a suitable suitor for one’s daughter. How does a parent get rid of an unsuitable young man that is exactly the same?

 

[Daegus]

13 and 17? That’s about the age of Mary and Joseph when he took her in to his home. So there isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with the ages.

Being the same age doesn’t necessarily make a young man a suitable suitor for one’s daughter. How does a parent get rid of an unsuitable young man that is exactly the same?

That might have been the age of Mary but it’s not likely that Joseph was 17 when he met Mary. He was a MUCH older man than that. On top of that just because it was ok 2000 years ago doesn’t mean it’s ok now. Back then life expectancies were lower and people weren’t expected to go off to college/university for 4-8+ years.

 

[searching04]

13 and 17? That’s about the age of Mary and Joseph when he took her in to his home. So there isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with the ages.

This isn’t the time of Christ and God was directly involved in that one.

Being the same age doesn’t necessarily make a young man a suitable suitor for one’s daughter. How does a parent get rid of an unsuitable young man that is exactly the same?

Can get rid of him lots of ways - be a parent. Do whatever is necessary. Old days, you’d take him to the woods; unfortunately, we can’t do that any more.