18 and his gf...need help asap

[CoffeeHound]

His point- we are making him do to current gf what old one did to him. We were so appalled by her behaviour and choice of the way she ended the relationship, but we are expecting him to do the same. He says this girl treats him better than the last one and we should give him a chance to tell her what we don’t like. (We have been telling HIM all along, he just never relayed the messages, so to speak). If she doesn’t change for him, she doesn’t love him and he will end it.

This is your problem, you’re on the defensive. When you decline to hire a job candidate, you never make a list of why you turned them down. Why? Because then they can correct the things on the list and you have no excuse to now not hire them, even if they are still unqualified. For example, if you require her to take down pictures from Facebook, she can just make them private, or move them to a new Facebook account that she gives out to everyone but you. Or she could put up questionably photos on MySpace then tell you that you said nothing about MySpace in your letter.

Second, they can waive off any of your requirements by saying “you can’t control me,” and they’d be right. You have no right to control what he can and can’t do and you certainly have no right to control her. All you can do is control what either of them do with your property.

What I would do:

“You cannot borrow the car anymore.” “Why?” “Because you took it and lied to me about where it was.”

“She cannot come over to our house.” “Why?” “Because she is underage and we do not want to be seen as complicit with statutory rape.”

 

[lovedbyHim]

“You cannot borrow the car anymore.” “Why?” “Because you took it and lied to me about where it was.”

“She cannot come over to our house.” “Why?” “Because she is underage and we do not want to be seen as complicit with statutory rape.”

Technically, car was where he said it was, the pool at the apartment where she lives. He went into her apartment, which was strictly forbidden. Still, he will never use the car to see her with our permission, anywhere.

I would rather have her at my house where I can see what they are doing- but nowhere else. That won’t last long… one or several things will occur… he will start arguing how unfair he is being treated and I will have that drama in my house and/or she will get tired real fast of only seeing him at his home with parents around and either A) they will sneak meetings or B) she’ll dump him.

I like your analogy regarding hiring someone. I never thought of the fact that she will just make FB trash private. I keep telling him she will be a saint where I can see her, but a “bad” girl where I can’t. Really, why would she do things her OWN MOTHER has not asked of her? Because she loves my son so much? Thats what he keep telling me. Oh, my, if you could hear how he tells me how cruel it is to not tell her and give her the chance to change, even reminding me of Sodom and Gomorrah where Lot found 10 good people and God spared the city. Ahem, that is NOT the end of the story. Nice try.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I commented a while back, but I just wanted to try again.

I still think it’s worthwhile to offer your son some sympathy here - to be sensitive to his teenaged heart, and acknowledge that he really is distraught over the end of his relationship with the girl.

Ordering him not to see her does not address his feelings, it does nothing to convince him to leave the relationship behind, it just makes him angry and resentful of you and your husband. I’m sure he feels you two are destroying the relationship – not that you are helping him to see why he should make his own decision to end it.

I am wondering why your son likes this girl so much? Does he talk about what qualities she has that have him so enamored of her?

 

[lovedbyHim]

Yes, he does talk about why he is so in love with her. My husband made the mistake of telling him to list her good/bad qualities.

Good:
Honest- (lies to her mother)
Trustworthy (drinks when he has expressed he wishes her not to)
Loyal- says she will never leave him
Patient
Kind- ( last GF nasty)
Forgiving (big one too, last GF very “witchy”
Would do anything for him (gee, she stopped seeing/talking/texting old bf who she says recently “almost raped” her at a party. No she did not mention this to her mother. I told him of the “how much do you love me” game that is sometimes played in relationships)
Funny
Sensitive
Catholic
Pro-Life
She loves him
and so on

Bad:
Drinks sometimes
Talks about old bf
Dresses immodestly
Posts inappropriate stuff on FB
Swears sometimes

He then said “see, the good outweigh the bad” I told him the bad is what is leading him down down the bad road- “she will change…”

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

is there any out of state relative he could go and visit for the summer? So gf could be out of sight out of mind.

 

[lovedbyHim]

is there any out of state relative he could go and visit for the summer? So gf could be out of sight out of mind.

Unfortunetely, no. My wish was for him to attend school downstate, but we had to opt for local college due to finances.

He is driving me nuts. I picked him up from am job to drive him to pm job and for 20 minutes all he would talk about is how he feels guilty, she deserves a chance, it’s the Christian thing to do, she loves him and will change, he loves her and how could I make him stop seeing her if I love him- even though I told him repeatedly to stop talking about it. I wanted to jump out of the car! If I was driving him anywhere other than work, he would have been driven straight home.

 

[Apollos]

He is driving me nuts. I picked him up from am job to drive him to pm job and for 20 minutes all he would talk about is how he feels guilty, she deserves a chance, it’s the Christian thing to do, she loves him and will change, he loves her and how could I make him stop seeing her if I love him- even though I told him repeatedly to stop talking about it. I wanted to jump out of the car! If I was driving him anywhere other than work, he would have been driven straight home.

Of course he is driving you nuts. That’s his job.

(Ever hear the one about Adam and Eve? Why did God create Adam and Eve as fully-grown adults and not as babies? Because nobody should have a girlfriend or boyfriend until the age of 30.)

 

[lovedbyHim]

LOVE IT! Oh, how true!