4 Reasons I'm Glad I Got Married and Started a Family - At Age 21

[edwest2]

Maybe I missed it, but I didn’t see anywhere in the article about how they actually did this financially. No mention of student loans- were their parents paying for college? How do you work enough, finish senior year, and have a baby all at once? They must have had an incredible support system, both financially and in terms of childcare.

I’m glad this worked out for them, but I think the subtitle that suggests “why you should consider being a social rebel” by starting a family before graduating college isn’t realistic for a lot of people. I don’t know many 21 year olds entering their senior year of college who are financially self-sufficient enough to start a family.

This was very, very common in the 1960s and 1970s. I worked part time, went to Wayne State University, paid for my classes, and so on. Many people put in their 4 years in college or went to a trade school or got hired in at a job through a friend or relative. Two friends of mine had a baby, worked alternating shifts so one parent could be home with the baby. Plus, most of us had parents who would gladly look after the baby if one of the parents got sick. The idea of starting your own family did not mean her family or your family disappeared, not to mention other relatives, and grandparents.

People had been raised to work hard, do without as needed, and keep going. Your family’s needs came before your own desire for anything extra. This way of doing things needs to be encouraged and strengthened.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Lorelei12]

Plus, most of us had parents who would gladly look after the baby if one of the parents got sick. The idea of starting your own family did not mean her family or your family disappeared, not to mention other relatives, and grandparents.

This is exactly my point. This sort of thing (starting a family while both parents are in college) is very difficult to do without either some financial or social support.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

My wife was 21 when we married, but I was 30, so I guess we straddled the gap. But this business of trying to make sure all the finances are in order before marriage is a foreign concept to me, and I imagine to many others of previous generations.

It is to me, and I’m probably younger than you. I really don’t get it. There’s never a “perfect” time. If you’re waiting for a “perfect” time then you’re always going to be waiting.

JimG:

I don’t really know of anyone who was financially stable on their wedding day. Newlyweds are supposed to be poor! They work through it together.

And, ideally, they should be working through it with their families and communities as well. I’m not talking about behaving irresponsibly and then leeching off of others, but you would like to think that the Christian community would be a bit more supportive of young married couples. It’s a shame that so many see fit to criticize them instead of supporting the very wonderful decision that they have made.

edwest2:

Plus, most of us had parents who would gladly look after the baby if one of the parents got sick. The idea of starting your own family did not mean her family or your family disappeared, not to mention other relatives, and grandparents.

Ed, sadly this type of thinking infects not just secular people but Christians and Catholics as well, including many on CAF. The idea is that once one reaches maturity, one must be entirely self-sufficient and if not, tough luck. But these thoughts are anti-family—they would have parents turn away from helping their newlywed children, but this is also the same state of mind that leads adult children to abandoning their parents in their old age. Both must be rejected. We have to stand up for true family values, those values include but go far beyond just an opposition to abortion and contraception.
Angelwannabe:

I just felt there was an underlying tone that everyone is an animal and that is not true. A lot of people have self control

Sex is needed to preserve the race. We need to accept that and move on. It is part of God’s design. Young people may indeed be able to control themselves, and good for them. But there is nothing wrong and everything right with a young married couple having sex.

 

[Cariethra]

I liked the article, but that could be because I got married at 21.

It isn’t easy, and yes finances are a nightmare. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I think about what it would have been like to wait. I already have a hard time staying pregnant, and am weak through most of the pregnancy. I’ve never had an easy recovery, even from miscarriages. I can’t imagine what that would be like if I had waited.

I feel closer to my husband because we’ve gone through all of the horrible things in life these past 6 years together.

I think about how nice it will be to spend my later years with a higher chance on enjoying grandchildren.

 

[Book_Worm]

Please excuse me if I take marital advice from someone who has been married less than six years with a grain of salt.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Please excuse me if I take marital advice from someone who has been married less than six years with a grain of salt.

We take marital advice from Priests, and they’ve never been married. In other words, I don’t see the problem. BTW, he’s not really even offering any advice per se, just relating some reasons why he’s happy that he married “early”, and that you might be too.

 

[TeachCatechism]

We’ll see years from now if they are still married. The early 20’s are a time of growth and people change. I’m not the same person I was at 21 and had I married then I would be divorced now. However, I would have liked to have met someone in my late 20’s and up but never met an appropriate men. I never desired a large family so it’s a good thing I didn’t marry young but at 43 my chances of having a family are slim. Also, if I had married younger I would have had more choices in men instead of having to take the slim pickings that are left, like the divorced men or the men with mental problems.

 

[raspberrybear]

I’d really like to be married before I’m 25…who knows if it’ll happen, but hopefully God will let it be so I’m glad I went to Uni first, though, even if I didn’t meet anyone there! I went for an education and to gain skills, so I’m not disappointed.

It seems as though it’s simply not the norm to get married young now, though I must admit I would like to be somewhat financially secure before I marry someone, so there’s that. Actually, I want to be a housewife if possible! People think I’m mad, but whatever…

As long as the couple feel they are ready to commit to each other, even if the journey may be hard, then I think it’s lovely

 

[GusIsAGirl]

I don’t get the purpose of the article. Then again, I’m not married and I am unlikely to ever get married, since I am past my “prime”. They are saying we are like meat, I guess.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I read the comments below the article and most of them were favorable. Some people had their own stories. It seems that many young people now delay marriage because they are still financially dependent on their parents. That may be the way things are, but it’s too bad if it delays independence.

I don’t really know of anyone who was financially stable on their wedding day. Newlyweds are supposed to be poor! They work through it together. When my wife and I married we moved into a cheap apartment that was several steps down in lifestyle from living at our parents home. But we didn’t stay poor forever. I will say, though, that we didn’t start out life with thousands of dollars of student loans as many do now, graduating to a future of indentured servitude to their loans.

These days for a young married couple a cheap two bedroom is out of reach unless one has a good paying job (not easy to get fresh out of university) or both are working in which case they can’t afford it if the wife takes a year off for child raising.

 

[edwest2]

It is to me, and I’m probably younger than you. I really don’t get it. There’s never a “perfect” time. If you’re waiting for a “perfect” time then you’re always going to be waiting.

And, ideally, they should be working through it with their families and communities as well. I’m not talking about behaving irresponsibly and then leeching off of others, but you would like to think that the Christian community would be a bit more supportive of young married couples. It’s a shame that so many see fit to criticize them instead of supporting the very wonderful decision that they have made.

Ed, sadly this type of thinking infects not just secular people but Christians and Catholics as well, including many on CAF. The idea is that once one reaches maturity, one must be entirely self-sufficient and if not, tough luck. But these thoughts are anti-family—they would have parents turn away from helping their newlywed children, but this is also the same state of mind that leads adult children to abandoning their parents in their old age. Both must be rejected. We have to stand up for true family values, those values include but go far beyond just an opposition to abortion and contraception.

Sex is needed to preserve the race. We need to accept that and move on. It is part of God’s design. Young people may indeed be able to control themselves, and good for them. But there is nothing wrong and everything right with a young married couple having sex.

Regarding your comment in reference to my post. There was a campaign, through the media, that lasted for decades. YOU DUMP YOUR PARENTS AND IN-LAWS. Just do it! The implication was that the people who loved you and raised you would suddenly become these horrible people after you got married, including her parents. Movie after movie showed in-laws as these awful people. Uncle Ted who used to take you for ice cream was suddenly this awful man BECAUSE you got married.

This is how we were lied to. The message was family continuity had to end. To love and respect the people who raised you and your wife must end the moment you marry. The media commands you!

It’s time to get that thinking out of our heads and realize we were lied to. That’s right - lied to. By people who hate families.

Families beget families and include parents and all in-laws. Love and respect among the generations needs to continue. That is what we should be thinking.

And I and some friends of mine, are not putting our aging parents in nursing homes. We are taking care of them in our home or a relative’s home. That is how it was and should be.

The exceptions should not be the rule.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Burt_Macklin]

My point was just that, if these people were still in college, they almost certainly had to be getting help from somewhere to be able to do it. If they were, that’s great. But the article presents young marriage while in college as some kind of ideal, when in reality it is probably not feasible for most people.

I married at 20 while a junior and I was in much better shape financially after I got married than before. In fact I started paying on my student loans from before I was married and left school with about 2k in loans. The biggest help was my parents income stopped counting against me on the FAFSA, so I was able to qualify for student jobs and Pell grants. On top of that I worked weekends and nights and my wife worked her job. In addition to the financial benefit I also became much more focused on school and my grades improved. All in all it wasn’t nearly as bad as you’re making out.

 

[Lorelei12]

I married at 20 while a junior and I was in much better shape financially after I got married than before. In fact I started paying on my student loans from before I was married and left school with about 2k in loans. The biggest help was my parents income stopped counting against me on the FAFSA, so I was able to qualify for student jobs and Pell grants. On top of that I worked weekends and nights and my wife worked her job. In addition to the financial benefit I also became much more focused on school and my grades improved. All in all it wasn’t nearly as bad as you’re making out.

Did you also start a family while still in college? Although there are the rare cases where somehow things work out, I’d be willing to be that most people who marry and start a family while both still undergraduates have help in some way or another. Whether that is in the form of parents paying for college, other financial assistance, or at least family and friends to babysit, it would be very difficult without any of these things.

I’m not even trying to make it out to be a “bad” thing. I don’t think it’s bad. I think people should do whatever is best for them, and God Bless the author of the article and his family. All I’m saying is that I don’t like the insinuation that other people “should” be doing it too. And I also I think it’s very unrealistic for most young people who are still in college.

 

[edwest2]

Did you also start a family while still in college? Although there are the rare cases where somehow things work out, I’d be willing to be that most people who marry and start a family while both still undergraduates have help in some way or another. Whether that is in the form of parents paying for college, other financial assistance, or at least family and friends to babysit, it would be very difficult without any of these things.

I’m not even trying to make it out to be a “bad” thing. I don’t think it’s bad. I think people should do whatever is best for them, and God Bless the author of the article and his family. All I’m saying is that I don’t like the insinuation that other people “should” be doing it too. And I also I think it’s very unrealistic for most young people who are still in college.

Why not? I remember being in college in a study cubicle and I could hear the young man in the cubicle next to mine planning his future with someone he loved. He said he would get his diploma, work, start with a small house, save some money and so on.

My parents were from a foreign country and they came here, bought a house and had children. Recently, I had a conversation with a close friend and she told me she’s never been out of work and never was out of opportunities. People planned things. They made realistic plans and worked hard to get what they needed to make things work. And they saved money.

To this day, I put whatever I can on the side. Not to be touched until I really need it. I didn’t grow up with credit cards and did not get one until the late 1990s, and I still pay cash for most purchases. I don’t need 3 TVs, an iPad or other electronic gadgets. I use my cell phone as a phone only.

A lot of people went to college, got their degree and got married. Nothing wrong with that.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Lorelei12]

Why not? I remember being in college in a study cubicle and I could hear the young man in the cubicle next to mine planning his future with someone he loved. He said he would get his diploma, work, start with a small house, save some money and so on.

My parents were from a foreign country and they came here, bought a house and had children. Recently, I had a conversation with a close friend and she told me she’s never been out of work and never was out of opportunities. People planned things. They made realistic plans and worked hard to get what they needed to make things work. And they saved money.

To this day, I put whatever I can on the side. Not to be touched until I really need it. I didn’t grow up with credit cards and did not get one until the late 1990s, and I still pay cash for most purchases. I don’t need 3 TVs, an iPad or other electronic gadgets. I use my cell phone as a phone only.

A lot of people went to college, got their degree and got married. Nothing wrong with that.

Why not? Because the price of a Bachelor’s degree in most cases cannot be financed without either financial help from parents or student loans. Tuition rates today are completely outrageous at most 4-year schools. This is unfortunate, but it is reality. I’m not really sure what you’re getting at, exactly. Costs of everything-housing, food, gas, medical insurance, etc- have outpaced any rise in wages. Many families need both spouses working to even afford the most basic things. This is why it is especially difficult for people still in college with little or no professional work experience who are starting a family. At least, it’s difficult without any help.

I never said there was anything wrong with getting married and starting a family while still in college, so I don’t know where people are getting that from. All I’m saying is that it’s not realistic for most people to be able to do it without some kind of help.

 

[edwest2]

Why not? Because the price of a Bachelor’s degree in most cases cannot be financed without either financial help from parents or student loans. Tuition rates today are completely outrageous at most 4-year schools. This is unfortunate, but it is reality. I’m not really sure what you’re getting at, exactly. Costs of everything-housing, food, gas, medical insurance, etc- have outpaced any rise in wages. Many families need both spouses working to even afford the most basic things. This is why it is especially difficult for people still in college with little or no professional work experience who are starting a family. At least, it’s difficult without any help.

I never said there was anything wrong with getting married and starting a family while still in college, so I don’t know where people are getting that from. All I’m saying is that it’s not realistic for most people to be able to do it without some kind of help.

That’s where families, including relatives, came in. We all pulled together, Then we were sold the fantasy that those who we loved would mutate into these strange beings once we got married. That we didn’t need or want their ‘meddling’ in our lives. That lie needs to be thrown away. It was not unheard of for young people to get married and live at the home of one parent or another until they saved enough money to go on to the next stage. But we were brainwashed to believe that we - not our relatives or in-laws - were all that mattered. The idea that marriage creates a barrier to family ties over generations needs to be exposed for the lie it is. It is anti-family. My first car was a junker. But I got a job straight out of High School and went to college.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Anglewannabe]

You may well still get blasted. By me… (well, I’m not trying to “blast”).

Ok So I will try not to blast back

His article is contrasting his experience with the “normal cultural path”. I think you’re jumping to unfounded conclusions to draw any meaning beyond that.

Exactly! He is totally ignoring that there is a third option which is to remain single and chaste. He is indirectly pressuring people to get married and not consider whether they are doing God’s will

Again, you’re jumping to conclusions that I don’t think are warranted. **He said “We are getting to enjoy our sexual primes together in a healthy, fulfilling, and constructive way”. **He does not use the term “optimally”, though you may feel it is implied, but again the comparison is agains those who postpone marriage/family and instead engage in fornication and contraception…

And I find that statement kind of sick. He is buying into the cultural lie that sex is best when one’s body is young and fit. If two people are married and past their child bearing years, there is nothing wrong with having sex to show ones love to the other and it can be just as healthy and fulfilling

It’s a shame you take offense at what he’s written, but I don’t see that your interpretation of what he says and/or means is warranted.

I don’t remember him saying 'It was God’s will for us to marry young. The article is written as someone who thinks THEY did everything the right way and better than most people. He doesn’t thank God for his blessings

Ok, blast back

 

[Anglewannabe]

It’s time to get that thinking out of our heads and realize we were lied to. That’s right - lied to. By people who hate families.

With all due respect, I think you are only seeing one side of the coin. What about people from abusive families? It is in their best interest to set boundaries. Not everyone is so lucky to grow up on the brady bunch

And I and some friends of mine, are not putting our aging parents in nursing homes. We are taking care of them in our home or a relative’s home. That is how it was and should be.

That is your opinion. However that can put an unfair strain on a marriage in some circumstances.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Ok So I will try not to blast back
Exactly! He is totally ignoring that there is a third option which is to remain single and chaste. He is indirectly pressuring people to get married and not consider whether they are doing God’s will

4th option—to enter the religious life.

I don’t see him doing this, though. If a Priest wrote some positive things about the priesthood or a Nun about the lives of nuns, I wouldn’t interpret that as a knock on single/married individuals.

And I find that statement kind of sick. He is buying into the cultural lie that sex is best when one’s body is young and fit.

It may be a spiritual act, but it’s also a physical act. Why wouldn’t there be benefits to engaging in it when fit and healthy?

This doesn’t say there’s anything wrong with older married couples having sex (of course there isn’t, and it’s great that they do) but any married couple of that age will tell you that the body can sometimes get in the way: illnesses, brittleness, aches and pains, etc. increase as you age. That’s just life.

If two people are married and past their child bearing years, there is nothing wrong with having sex to show ones love to the other

Of course not. In fact, it is important that they do that if they are physically capable of it. But when you are younger and healthier, you can engage in it more often without as many complications.

I don’t remember him saying 'It was God’s will for us to marry young. The article is written as someone who thinks THEY did everything the right way

Read the title. It’s written from the perspective of someone who is “glad” about their decisions. Not that everyone else in the world should and would be “glad” with that decision. Such a suggestion would obviously be silly, considering they’re Catholic and recognize that some are not called to marriage.

and better than most people. ** He doesn’t thank God for his blessings**

Sure he does. I’m not going to re-post the entire article for you, but he does it twice in the introduction alone, perhaps elsewhere besides that.

For example:

All this is to say, neither of us set out to be young married parents. But** by God’s grace,** I’m very proud to say that we’ve been married four and a half years, we have two children, and a third one is due this summer.

Another example:

And it’s been some of the best years of our lives! We don’t regret any of it but rather see all the great blessings we could have missed out on if we had followed the normal cultural path and (possibly indefinitely) postponed marriage and children.

“God’s grace”, “blessings”, etc.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

That’s where families, including relatives, came in. We all pulled together, Then we were sold the fantasy that those who we loved would mutate into these strange beings once we got married. That we didn’t need or want their ‘meddling’ in our lives. That lie needs to be thrown away. It was not unheard of for young people to get married and live at the home of one parent or another until they saved enough money to go on to the next stage. But we were brainwashed to believe that we - not our relatives or in-laws - were all that mattered. The idea that marriage creates a barrier to family ties over generations needs to be exposed for the lie it is. It is anti-family. My first car was a junker. But I got a job straight out of High School and went to college.

Peace,
Ed

http://static.politifact.com.s3.amazonaws.com/politifact/photos/GS.41FACT107.jpg

The cost of higher education has outpaced income growth by a bit. Additionally many more jobs require degrees than thirty or even twenty years ago.