8th grader in carpool NEVER says "Thanks!"

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PRmerger said:
I don’t know that I would characterize it as this mom taking advantage of anyone. She simply thinks, “They’re driving anyway. I have to work. What’s the harm in having them swing by and pick up my son? And I do give them a gift card to thank them!”

As far as not picking up when she’s already up for a school activity, I think that’s more of a “it never crossed her mind” kind of thing that it would be helpful to not have to go up and pick up our kids if she’s already there.

It’s more clueless than calculated.
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This sounds to me like the type of person who would raise a child who doesn’t say thanks. All the more reason for you (or your child–I love that idea!) to say something. But say it gently.

I have really fond memories of my friend’s mom who drove me to school in my car pool. In her old age, my mom told me nice stories about the dad who drove her to school. Carpooling can develop some special relationships, and the parents who drive car pools have a pseudo-parental role for a few minutes during the drive.
 
PRmerger said:
I don’t know that I would characterize it as this mom taking advantage of anyone. She simply thinks, “They’re driving anyway. I have to work. What’s the harm in having them swing by and pick up my son? And I do give them a gift card to thank them!”

As far as not picking up when she’s already up for a school activity, I think that’s more of a “it never crossed her mind” kind of thing that it would be helpful to not have to go up and pick up our kids if she’s already there.

It’s more clueless than calculated.
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Yes, but just because you’re clueless does not mean you’re not taking advantage of someone’s generosity. Maybe she’s not, but just because she doesn’t think she is hardly means she isn’t.

For instance, we knew a couple who would drop their child off for a play date and then not come to pick the kid up until called…and I mean the other children were in pajamas and the parents never checked to see if it was time to come pick their kid up. People learned to specify a pick-up time, because these parents were not going to ask. They were also not going to reciprocate. It is possible to be both clueless and to take improper advantage of someone’s generosity.
 
EasterJoy said:
Yes, but just because you’re clueless does not mean you’re not taking advantage of someone’s generosity. Maybe she’s not, but just because she doesn’t think she is hardly means she isn’t.

For instance, we knew a couple who would drop their child off for a play date and then not come to pick the kid up until called…and I mean the other children were in pajamas and the parents never checked to see if it was time to come pick their kid up. People learned to specify a pick-up time, because these parents were not going to ask. They were also not going to reciprocate.** It is possible to be both clueless and to take improper advantage of someone’s generosity.**
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This is so true, and the “cluelessness” is a perfect cover for that, because people just give the person the benefit of the doubt or shrug their shoulders and say, “Well, that’s just her, she’s sort of spacey,” or whatever.

My sister used to do this when my nephew was just a little guy. I’d offer to keep him overnight, but then she wouldn’t come to get him until the next afternoon, so drawing it out for another 4-5 hours.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
This is so true, and the “cluelessness” is a perfect cover for that, because people just give the person the benefit of the doubt or shrug their shoulders and say, “Well, that’s just her, she’s sort of spacey,” or whatever.

My sister used to do this when my nephew was just a little guy. I’d offer to keep him overnight, but then she wouldn’t come to get him until the next afternoon, so drawing it out for another 4-5 hours.
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Sometimes people do the “clueless act”, but I think that more often they really are totally mistaken about the generosity of others. They think the “nice” people out there are happy to bend over backwards for them, and isn’t it great that we have people like that?

The flip side of this, of course, are the people who do nice things over and above what they can give without strings attached, protest over and over when thanked and asked how their generosity can be returned that “it was nothing, please don’t feel a need to reciprocate” and then get hurt when the other people don’t reciprocate or appreciate them!

There gets to be a point where you’re penalizing people for failing to read your mind. That’s not terribly nice, either. It is not humble; it is dishonest. It is far better to say what your limits are and to give some idea of what is expected. Don’t say you expect nothing unless you really would be willing to get nothing other than a “thank you.” If the arrangement turns out to be harder on you than you thought, then give your apologies but say so, and go from there.

Don’t expect a “thank you”? Don’t even want a “thank you”? That’s fine, but don’t say so. People need to express their appreciation. Gratitude expressed is good for everybody. If appreciation for your generosity makes you uncomfortable, that’s too bad. Accept it graciously or else figure out how to give anonymously.
 
Like Germans: “If you can complicate, never simplify!” (kidding)
The advices are more complicated than the problem.
“Before exiting, say thank you!”. Period. That’s enough.
In one week, he will learn.
 
I’d probably give the kid a friendly reminder at first, then be a little more stern if it doesn’t improve. When my son was about that age, he had this one friend he hung with all the time. I’d take them out on the weekends and the kid invariably had no money of his own. I’d generally end up treating them to lunch. Knowing my rules, my son would typically say thank you, although his friend would not. After handing him his burger one day and getting nothing in reply, I told him that he really ought to say thank you. He gave me a sheepish look, apologized, but still didn’t say thank you. The next time I took them out, when I handed him his bag and he still didn’t say thank you, I took it right back and told him that, since he couldn’t be bothered to thank me, it was now my lunch. He wasn’t very happy with me, but he was always very courteous after that.
 
I have a different take. My son is painfully shy. He has trouble saying anything without it being totally drawn out of him. It has a lot to do with confidence. We always pound the “say thank you” in him, but I’m not sure he would speak up on his own in this situation either. He is 12.
 
I agree with the posters who say you should
  1. Directly tell Joey, “Hon, it would be nice to get a Thank you before you get out of the car.” Perhaps not in front of the other kids. Definitely gently, so as to not embarrass him of the problem is that he is shy.
  2. I would NOT call the parents over something like this. It is simple for you to handle, and I think many parents, receiving a phone call that “Your child never says thanks,” would probably get their backs up. I would not want to get that phone call! However, I wouldn’t mind at ALL of another parent gently reminded my kids that it’s polite to say please and thank you!!
  3. Don’t let your resentments with the other mom get to you. You are allowing her to treat you this way. Whether she realizes it or not is immaterial. I have a little motto, when something is really ticking me off: If I decide I don’t want to confront it, I have to let it go! It’s not fair to be mad/resentful with someone and never tell them why!
  4. Consider what you want to do. Is it really that big of a deal to bring this child to school? Wouldn’t you be going there anyway? How far is it from your homes? Are you spending a lot of money on gas to get there? Is there a bus that could take this other child?
I think, if you really feel the child and his parents are ungrateful and taking advantage of you, then tell them you can’t pick up the child anymore. Or, tell them point blank that, although the gift cards are nice, you would like to make some new rules about carpool: families who do not ever drive should pitch in a certain amount for gas. Would she like to drive, or pay for gas?

I have a neighbor who is a lot like this…just assumes that it’s OK to send her kids over to stay for hours while she goes out on errands…tells you she’s just going to the market and then is gone for hours and comes back with a fresh manicure and pedicure. Finally, I had to tell her straight out that if she asks me to watch her kids, I want a firm start and end times. She rarely asks me anymore!
 
You can say something to him but understand the boy maybe shy. I was kind of that way as a child. I didn’t say Thank you because I was too shy to talk to adults even ones I had known for a long time. This may or may not be the case but it is a possibility,.
 
sharmin said:
I have a different take. My son is painfully shy. He has trouble saying anything without it being totally drawn out of him. It has a lot to do with confidence. We always pound the “say thank you” in him, but I’m not sure he would speak up on his own in this situation either. He is 12.
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I didn’t even see this until after I posted haha but yeah that pretty much what I said. As a child I was very shy up until I was about 14 or 15. So it maybe that he is shy
 
MrsATurner said:
I didn’t even see this until after I posted haha but yeah that pretty much what I said. As a child I was very shy up until I was about 14 or 15. So it maybe that he is shy
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Oh, I absolutely believe he is shy. And quiet. And uncomfortable talking to adults and girls. And I am an adult and a girl so it’s a double whammy. 😛

I don’t think it takes too much non-shyness though to say, “thank you.” 🤷
 
OP here: so yesterday as the kids were getting out of the car I proclaimed a general, “When exiting, please say ‘thank you!’”

This was a non-confrontational way to address the issue, as there are 5 children exiting, so no one ought to take it personally.

We’ll see what happens today. 😃

My DD gave me a “What in the world?” look as I made the announcement, which caused me to chuckle inwardly.
 
At least he’s not sticking pinwheels out the window and yelling, “WHE-E-E-E! WHEE-WHEE-WHEE-WHE-E-E-E-E!!!”
 
Personally I think that three years on you’ve missed the window of opportunity. If he’s never said thanks and you’ve never brought it up with him or his parents, you can’t complain on your own behalf now.

However, you could say something to him about how now that he’s older, starting high school next year, he needs to be more aware and engage adults in conversation in a more grown up way. In that context you can remind him that manners like saying thank you for favors and not slamming the door are what people expect.

Also, fwiw, my carpool buddy never says thank you either. We chat and then when she gets out we say “see you tomorrow” or “see you Monday”. Of course, she’s also doing me a favor because with her in the car I can use the carpool lanes on the highway. 😉
 
PRmerger said:
OP here: so yesterday as the kids were getting out of the car I proclaimed a general, “When exiting, please say ‘thank you!’”

This was a non-confrontational way to address the issue, as there are 5 children exiting, so no one ought to take it personally.

We’ll see what happens today. 😃

My DD gave me a “What in the world?” look as I made the announcement, which caused me to chuckle inwardly.
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Did it work?
 
PRmerger said:
Heh. Well, this is another issue in this carpool situation. This boy’s mom does not contribute to the 3-family carpool*. For the previous 5 years it was a 2 family carpool. Joey’s mom asked if we wouldn’t mind “carpooling” with her, but by that she means that we pick up and take home her son since we’re in the neighborhood anyway, and she and her husband work full time.

(Note: both of us moms who drive carpool also work. We just adjust our schedules so we can contribute to the carpool.)

Joey’s mom does give other mom and me a giftcard at Christmas as a thank you.

*This year, at my request, Joey’s mom does drive on Wednesdays because I have to drive other DD’s carpool on that day.

So, it’s really a HUGE favor that we’re doing for this family, IMHO.

Also, just since, to be honest, this* is* a complaining thread, I’m going to add this: the other mom picks up carpool at 3pm. On a few occasions Joey’s mom has been up at school for a special event, and does not even bother to call this mom to say, “Hey, I’m up here at school already, so I can take the kids home!” She simply takes Joey home.

Grrr!
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My previous message said that after three years you’ve missed your window. This post just reinforces this thought. Joey is clueless because his mother is too. If she’s been like this for three years and it’s been bothering you, you should have said something long ago.

Why do your carpool? Is this a private school with no bus transportation? Or a favor to your own kids? Also, I assume that at the end of this school year, the carpool will be over anyway. But, if their behavior bothers you this much, thansay something! Talk to your other carpool buddy and decide on what your requirements are.

If mom is at school, she drives all the kids home and other mom gets out of driving. If Joey is rude, he gets left behind next day. How are you really going to enforce new rules.

Sometimes though, it’s just not worth getting worked up about. Sure, say something to Joey about being more polite - at least not slamming the door. Bt offer the rest of it up. Say a prayer for them, but don’t offer or agree to any more favors for them.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
Personally I think that three years on you’ve missed the window of opportunity. If he’s never said thanks and you’ve never brought it up with him or his parents, you can’t complain on your own behalf now.
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Why? What makes it too late to bring it up?
 
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