8th grader in carpool NEVER says "Thanks!"

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PRmerger said:
Why? What makes it too late to bring it up?
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Don’t you think it is a little ridiculous to suddenly be offended by a child who hasn’t said thank you in 3 years? If it is rude, it was rude 3 years ago in 5th grade and you should have said something then.

However, I do like the general “When exiting, say Thank You” instruction. Handles the situation in a lighter manner. Hopefully things improve on that front!
 
Mrs_Sally said:
Don’t you think it is a little ridiculous to suddenly be offended by a child who hasn’t said thank you in 3 years? If it is rude, it was rude 3 years ago in 5th grade and you should have said something then.
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I don’t think there’s any rule, tacit or obvious, that states that one may persist in rudeness because it wasn’t addressed in the first, what, 3 months? 2 weeks? 4th episode?

It’s a curious paradigm: say something before some arbitrary time frame or never say anything at all.
However, I do like the general “When exiting, say Thank You” instruction. Handles the situation in a lighter manner. Hopefully things improve on that front!
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I don’t understand. You like this but also say I shouldn’t address it now because it’s too late? :confused:
 
Maybe he’s just anxious of people, since he’s quiet to begin with.
 
Smugleaf said:
Maybe he’s just anxious of people, since he’s quiet to begin with.
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If this is even possilbe, it would be kind to talk to the boy briefly and privately to let him know that he has been violating a heretofore unspoken expectation. It might also be nice to ask whether things are OK with him, because this kind of rudeness could also be due to being caught up in his own problems. In the end, though, the OP might just let him know that he will be expected to try to remember to respect the request, and given a reminder when he doesn’t.
 
I had a car pool with a shy child for a year of so. He just got in the van at school and out of the van at his house without a word most of the time. I tried to engage him in conversation at first, but I never really got much response from him, so I just gave up. I would say “hello” and leave it at that and just asked about the day in general, talked with my own children, and on rare occasions he would engage and say something. When he got out of the van, I would have been pleased with a “thank you” or anything, but he was a shy, quiet boy, so I let it go after my “Bye, see you _____.”

I also had a car pool for about a year (I guess, though, I just drove in that situation, so is that really a car pool?) with an older girl. I didn’t know the family at all at first, though I had seen the mom at Mass. One evening, mom and daughter walked down the street, rang our bell, introduced themselves and asked if I could bring the girl home one day each week for that year to help them out. I said I would. She was a nice girl who was a talker. Boy, was she a talker! She talked from the time she got in the van until she got out and she always said thank you then.

Which would I prefer? Hmm. Still not sure. 😃 Seriously, the boy and girl were quite a contrast, but both were nice kids, though a “thank you” would have been nice to hear from the boy.
 
PRmerger said:
I don’t think there’s any rule, tacit or obvious, that states that one may persist in rudeness because it wasn’t addressed in the first, what, 3 months? 2 weeks? 4th episode?

It’s a curious paradigm: say something before some arbitrary time frame or never say anything at all.

I don’t understand. You like this but also say I shouldn’t address it now because it’s too late? :confused:
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Obviously I’m not being clear. :o I think that at this point to start saying things like “Your welcome!” to his non-existent thank you, or scold him about his manners is just being cranky since you’ve somehow gotten through 3 years of this previously. I’m not suprised your kids are rolling their eyes and I suspect Joey would just be confused.

I think an attempt at righteous anger to be a little misplaced since you’ve let it slid all this time. That’s why I thought the lighter approach would be better.

In my earlier post I did suggest a different approach that I think would also be successful.
However, you could say something to him about how now that he’s older, starting high school next year, he needs to be more aware and engage adults in conversation in a more grown up way. In that context you can remind him that manners like saying thank you for favors and not slamming the door are what people expect.
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Since this does bother you, and he is being rude - even if he’s shy – I hope you are able to say something to him on Monday that gets through and helps him chnage his ways. Another poster talked about how she learned a lot about manners from other adults, so I pray you’ll help him in the same way.
 
There is a difference between being rude and being shy. I think it’s really, really important for parents to teach their kids to at least answer people when they speak to them. Maybe that’s what happened to this kid. No one ever tells my niece (she’s almost 4) to answer me (or other adults) so a lot of our conversations go like this: “Hi Anna! What are you doing?” (no answer, parents/grandparents don’t say anything) or “Bye Anna! See you next week!” (no answer, no one says anything) I was discussing this with a friend, and I said something along the lines of “Yeah my niece is really shy,” and she said “It’s ok to be shy, but kids need to learn to answer adults when they’re being addressed. If me and my siblings didn’t answer someone when we were being spoken to, we were reminded, and if we still refused to say anything, we were disciplined.” Her parents have 13 polite kids.

A cute, shy 4/5 year old can end up being a rude 14 year old.
 
PRmerger said:
Yep. That reminds me of a thread I started here–6 years ago!–about my niece who, at 10 at the time, was just like your niece.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=124833
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Wow, look at that! That is eerily similar. As you said in your post, I do give her leeway and don’t think quite as much about it since she’s only (almost 4). And I do notice that she is less shy now than she was at 3. Hopefully she continues to outgrow this. What annoys me is the fact that her parents (my husband’s brother and his wife) and grandparents (my husband’s parents, they live with them) don’t say anything to her. I just think they should prompt her to respond. If not, take her aside and explain, “When someone says hello to you, you have to say hello back. It is not nice when you don’t answer them” or something like that. If they continue to ignore, they get a small punishment. I would do that if my child ignored a rule. That doesn’t mean they have to have a long, drawn out, bubbly conversation with everyone they meet, but speak when spoken to, you know?

I don’t have kids, so I try not to judge too much, but my mom (and others, like I said in my previous post) have agreed with me on that, so I don’t feel too far off base.

So your niece is 16 now, any change?
 
anp1215 said:
So your niece is 16 now, any change?
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Not much.

What we can’t figure out is that she is well liked at school—very social and liked!

But with our family she is the same as she was at 10, or perhaps slightly better. She will smile if you greet her and then quietly say, “hi!” but that’s it.
 
PRmerger said:
Not much.

What we can’t figure out is that she is well liked at school—very social and liked!

But with our family she is the same as she was at 10, or perhaps slightly better. She will smile if you greet her and then quietly say, “hi!” but that’s it.
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That is strange. At least she does that, I guess.
 
PRmerger said:
Oh, I absolutely believe he is shy. And quiet. And uncomfortable talking to adults and girls. And I am an adult and a girl so it’s a double whammy. 😛

I don’t think it takes too much non-shyness though to say, “thank you.” 🤷
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If it bothers you this much, then just tell his parents that it isn’t convenient to pick him up anymore and let it go already.

Maybe his mom can find someone to pick him up who understands just how painful shyness can be.
 
PRmerger said:
Nope.

I plan to say something to him personally on Monday.
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Once and you give up: I would try YOUR SYSTEM which is good for one month. Moreover i would teach them to say: “Have a good day!”.

You must insist till they do what you want. There is no other way out but you winning. Do not speak to him in private. You started the best way, you should go on the best way…

If you think that once is enough to teach a kid, you have never been a teacher !!! (kidding!)
 
PRmerger said:
Oh, I absolutely believe he is shy. And quiet. And uncomfortable talking to adults and girls. And I am an adult and a girl so it’s a double whammy. 😛

I don’t think it takes too much non-shyness though to say, “thank you.” 🤷
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In that aspect I think you’re wrong. My son struggles to utter a single word at times. Even when prompted to me. I will remind him to say thank you when I am there and he utters it so quietly and painfully. It looks almost as if he will cry. He is twelve. My husband was the same way at his age.
 
PRmerger said:
Huh? His shyness is preventing him from saying thank you? Is that your point?
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I know you’re not directing that to me, but yes, shyness can prevent someone from speaking…period. (If it’s intense shyness.)
 
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