A Catholic Joke

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“Why do you Jesuits always answer a question with another question?”
“Why, what’s wrong with that?”
 
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Glennon_P said:
one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple papal leader.
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Giving away your age there. No one under 55 will have the slightest clue why this joke is supposed to be funny.

That was my favorite 45 to play when I was a kid, followed by the Witch Doctor.
 
There was once a saint who never felt any pain.

He was in a car accident and lost all his left side

He is all right now

👉
 
I’ve never heard the actual song, but I have heard OF it. (I’m 33.) Continuing in this vein:

A group of Franciscans opened a flower shop in their community. A rival flower shop began to suffer from lack of business. One of the owners said he had a friend named Hugh who was really good at sorting out these kinds of problems. Hugh went over to the Franciscans’ shop and spoke to them. They promptly closed up shop and left. When asked how he did it, he simply shrugged and said, “Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.”
 
AndrewAxland said:
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Glennon_P:
one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple papal leader.
Click to expand...
Giving away your age there. No one under 55 will have the slightest clue why this joke is supposed to be funny.

That was my favorite 45 to play when I was a kid, followed by the Witch Doctor.
Click to expand...
They play both those songs adnaseum every Halloween, and they are on every “kid friendly” Halloween music CD.
 
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.
The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.
The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.
The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God’s gift of darkness.
The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.
The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.
The parish priest goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.
(Found on Facebook)
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America publishes an article saying this proves the church is obsolete.
 
AndrewAxland said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
They play both those songs adnaseum every Halloween, and they are on every “kid friendly” Halloween music CD.
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Really? I didn’t know that. That’s pretty good for a couple of 60 year old silly novelty songs!
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Fortunatly, the other songs on those 45’s…like Insy weeny tiny teeny biki that my grandfather would roll out are ding-dong-dead except for comercials.
 
Not specifically a Catholic joke, but here goes:

Just before the end of Mass, the priest makes a few announcements, one of which is ‘Last week after Mass, one of our parishioners, Helen Hunt, found a set of keys on a ring in one of the pews. So if you lost your keys last week, you can go to Helen Hunt for them.’

If you don’t get it, try saying the last line out loud.

Ba-dump-bump. 😀
 
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kill051 said:
Just before the end of Mass, the priest makes a few announcements, one of which is ‘Last week after Mass, one of our parishioners, Helen Hunt, found a set of keys on a ring in one of the pews. So if you lost your keys last week, you can go to Helen Hunt for them.’
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At the garage where I get my cars fixed, they have a sign that says, “Our credit manager is Helen Waite. If you want to arrange credit, you can go to Helen Waite.”
 
“Glennon_P said:
At the garage where I get my cars fixed, they have a sign that says, “Our credit manager is Helen Waite. If you want to arrange credit, you can go to Helen Waite.”
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That’s even better than mine! 😂 Thanks Glennon_P!
 
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John works in an office building with three floors and a roof. One day it starts to rain. Hard. Over the news, warnings of flood start coming and as the waters begin to rise, John moves from the first floor to the second floor. A boat comes along and a man says, “Sir, we’re gonna get you out of here.”
John replies, “I’m alright. God will save me.” After the boat leaves, the water levels continue to rise so John goes to the third floor. While here’s there, another boat comes along.
“Sir, we’re gonna you out of here.” says a man on the boat.
John replies, “I’m alright. God will save me.” The flood waters continue to rise and John moves to the roof. While here’s there, a helicopter comes over head.
“Sir, we’re gonna get you out of here.” says a voice over a loud speaker.
John shout back up, “I’m alright. God will save me.” The helicopter leaves and after a while the water levels rise enough that John drowns.
Up in Heaven, John’s talking with God and says, “You know, God, this is really nice. But I do have a question if you don’t mind. With that flood, why didn’t you save me?”
God replies, “What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter.”
So my family has relatives in Minnesota and they were over visiting us down in the Midwest. While they were here, we all decided to go to Mass together, even though they weren’t Catholic. They seemed to appreciate it, though we did hear interesting story about one of the younger boys from when they were back home. Apparently he was talking about a Catholic Mass at their church’s Sunday school and said, “The priest’s sermon kept going on and on about St. Paul. St. Paul this, St. Paul that, St. Paul’s great. But never once did he mention Minneapolis!”
Harry and Helga argued every day of the marriage. One day Helga died and stood before the Gates of Heaven. Peter said to her, “Helga, all you have to do to enter Heaven is spell a word.”
“Which word?” asked Helga.
“Love.” replies Peter.
“L-O-V-E” says Helga so Peter lets her in. As she comes in he turns to her.
“Hey, Helga, I’ve been standing at these gates all day. Could you watch them for a moment while I use the bathroom?”
“But I just got here!” protests Helga.
“You already know what to do.” says Peter, “You’ll be fine.”
So Helga’s watching the gates for a while when Harvey, her husband, comes up. “What are you doing here, Harvey?” she asks.
“Well,” he says, “after you died, I guess I was so heartbroken I just died.”
“Well, Harvey,” says Helga, “all you have to do now to enter Heaven is spell a word.”
“Which word?” asks Harvey.
She replies, “Czechoslovakia!”
 
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