A Catholic Joke

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How do you pick out the priest in the restaurant when he is not in clericals?

He’s the one who wipes the lip of his wine glass with a napkin every time he takes a sip.

(Oddly enough, this does actually happen. I’ve caught myself doing it and I’m not even a priest yet.)
 
A priest and rabbi are complaining about the lack of morals, the priest said, just the other day, someone stole my bike.

The rabbi said, that happened to me, and I did a sermon on the ten commandments, and laid it on thick about not stealing. the next day, my bike was left outside my house.

A few days later, the priest is pushing his bike along and bumps into the rabbi. I did what you said, I went through the ten commandments, and when I got to, though shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left it.

Obviously not a true story…
 
(This is a joke about how Catholics automatically and reflexively say common responses)

A priest was trying to preach the homily, but the microphone was not working.

He was able to say loud enough for the congregation to say “There’s something wrong with this microphone”, to which the congregation responded in unison:

“AND ALSO WITH YOU!”

(Obviously pre-2011)
 
There is a report that during fairly early communist Russia, that the Patriarch of Moscow was summoned or brought to the hierarchy on Easter.

He gave the traditional Eastern Paschal greeting in slavonic, though) the “Christ is rise!”–and half responded with, “Indeed, He is risen!” by instinct . . .

hawk
 
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding – the job almost finished – he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”
 
mVitus said:
Harry and Helga argued every day of the marriage. One day Helga died and stood before the Gates of Heaven. Peter said to her, “Helga, all you have to do to enter Heaven is spell a word.”
“Which word?” asked Helga.
“Love.” replies Peter.
“L-O-V-E” says Helga so Peter lets her in. As she comes in he turns to her.
“Hey, Helga, I’ve been standing at these gates all day. Could you watch them for a moment while I use the bathroom?”
“But I just got here!” protests Helga.
“You already know what to do.” says Peter, “You’ll be fine.”
So Helga’s watching the gates for a while when Harvey, her husband, comes up. “What are you doing here, Harvey?” she asks.
“Well,” he says, “after you died, I guess I was so heartbroken I just died.”
“Well, Harvey,” says Helga, “all you have to do now to enter Heaven is spell a word.”
“Which word?” asks Harvey.
She replies, “Czechoslovakia!”
Click to expand...
I heard the same joke, except that it was a radical feminist who, after a feminist rant to St. Peter, was told that she could enter if she could spell Bosnia-Hercegovina.
 
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