A Catholic Joke

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Dave and Danny are great friends who love baseball. They play it every day, every chance. Their lives eat and breathe baseball. One day, Danny dies. As Dave’s sleeping that night, he has dream where Danny comes to him. “Hey, Danny,” Dave asks, “how is the afterlife?”
“Well I’ve got good news and bad news.” replies Danny, “The good news is that up in Heaven we play baseball every day. It’s awesome.”
“So what’s the bad news?” asks Dave.
Danny replies, “Next week, you’re pitching.”
Tom and Jenny are an old couple that passes away in their sleep. After they reach Heaven, St. Peter’s giving them the grand tour. First he leads them to a golf course and tells them how it’s open all the time without any lines ever. After that he leads them to a music club with all their favorite songs played by some of their favorite artists in person. The tour keeps going until it ends in the food court where Peter shows them all the delicious food like bacon and sweet pastries, which of course they can eat without worrying about their health. At this point, Tom begins to break down crying. Trying to figure out what could be wrong, Jenny asks, “What’s the matter, Tom?”
Tom looks up at her and says, “You and your bran muffins. We could’ve been here fifteen years ago!”
I’m not fully sure if this next one counts for the topic, but it’s good enough to try.

Three men are sitting on a bench and trying to figure out what the world’s oldest profession is. The first man, a doctor, says, “When God took Adam’s rib and made Eve, that was an act of surgery. And that act of surgery makes medicine the world’s oldest profession.”
The second man, a construction worker, replies, “No no. If we go back before that, God took the chaos and made the Heavens and the Earth. That’s an act of building. And that act of building makes construction the world’s oldest profession.”
The third man, a lawyer, snorts and asks, “Where do you think He got the chaos?”
 
When Tom died, he dearly missed his weekly poker game.

After a time, St. Peter let him drift down for one last night with the boys.

Tom had a wonderful time, winning repeatedly, and as the evening drew to a close he realized that he had five hearts, and went all in.

Unfortunately, George had a full house, sevens over threes.

That’s right; the spirit was willing, but the flush was weak.

:crazy_face:😱🤣

hawk
 
One day young Joanne went into the pub.

‘mr Barman. Can i have a bottle of whiskey?’

‘No way Joanne, you are only 12, you cannot drink!’

‘But Mr Barman, it is for my dad who is at home with constipation, to cure his constipation.’

‘I don’t believe you young madam.’!

‘It is! It is for my dad’s constipation! ‘

‘All right, here you go. There is the bottle of whiskey for your dad.’

An hour later the Barman is crossing the street and sees young Joanne completely drunk, wobbling accross the street.

‘Now Joanne! You lied! You drank the whiskey yourself! You told me the whiskey was to cure your dad’s constipation!!’

‘But it is to cure my dad’s constipation! It is! It is!
When he sees me he’s going to poop!’
 
The version I’ve heard says that the Jesuit goes to the basement and flips the breaker.
 
A Dominican and a Jesuit were drinking in a bar one evening and discussing the origin of their orders.

Dominican: My order was founded to combat the great Albegensian Heresy!

Jesuit: Well, my order was founded to combat the rise of Protestantism.

Dominican: Oh…well how many Albegensians do you see around these days?
 
A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit are walking along the street, when suddenly an apparition of the Holy Family, and baby Jesus in the manger appears before them.

The Dominican begins to preach to the bystanders on the wonder of the mystery of God become man.

The Franciscan begins to praise the Lord in a loud voice for coming to save creation in such poverty and humility.

The Jesuit goes up to Joseph, taps him on the shoulder and says: “So, where are you thinking of sending the young fella to school?”
 
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A Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit are having an argument one evening about which of their orders is the greatest. They cannot agree and decide to do an all night vigil, and ask God to tell them which order is the greatest in his eyes.

They fall asleep in the pews and awake to find a note on the altar.

It reads:

My Dear Children,
Stop this fighting among yourselves and attend to your religious duties. I, the Lord, inspired the creation of all your orders, and you each are important in a different way.
Go now and stop this foolishness.

Regards,

God O.P.
 
AdamP88 said:
The Jesuit goes up to Joseph, taps him on the shoulder and says: “So, where are you thinking of sending the young fella to school?”
Click to expand...
There is a great tale in one of Pat Buchanan’s autobiographies.

His grandfather abandoned the family, and his mother raised them alone. At the time, Catholic grammar schools were funded from the collection plate, and not being able to pay didn’t keep kids out. High school, however . . .

Having no money, she didn’t send him to the Jesuit school–and three robed Jesuits showed up at the door demanding to know where he (Pat’s father) was.

“I don’t have any money for tuition.”

“We don’t want your money, ma’am. We want your son.”

Which is very much in line with Jesuit thinking and practice (I spent eight years in their schools.)

hawk
 
That is ontologically and theologically incorrect. God knows everything.
 
True “Mass” story. A few months before our previous Pastor retired, he gave one of his pep talk sermons. Be bold and brave, he was saying. He repeated the phrase several times during the sermon.

After Mass, I mentioned to him, “Father. I finally got it that you were saying be bold and brave. For the first three quarters of your sermon I thought you were saying ‘old and gray’, and I was thinking maybe you hinting to us senior citizens”. I understand he revised the sermon at the next Mass.
 
A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Praise be to God! He’s done it again!”
 
Back in the olden days, a priest trained his horse to start walking when he said “Thanks be to God.” and stop when he said “Amen.”
So one day this priest is riding along when he realizes he made a mistake and is heading toward a cliff. But as he hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the night before, he says “Whoa” instead of “Amen” so the horse keeps walking. Again and again he says “Whoa” to no avail until finally, right before the edge of the cliff, he remembers to say “Amen.”
A bit shook up from how close he was to certain death as he takes in just how high the cliff is, he looks up the sky and, in relief, says, “Thanks be to God.”
 
For music directors who try to get their choir members to get their eyes up and out of the hymnal constantly:

An American choir had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour.
One hour before the first concert, the choir director became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the choir suddenly had to find a substitute.
The choir manager asked everyone in the choir whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair alto.
The manager was very nervous about this. “We can’t audition you,” he said.
“No problem,” replied the alto.
“There’s no time to rehearse. You’ll have to do the concert cold.”
“I know. It’ll be all right.”
The alto conducted the concert and it was a huge success.
Since the director remained ill for the duration of the two week tour, the alto conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the director had recovered, and the alto took her place at the back of the alto section. As she sat down, her section partner asked her “Where have you been for the last two weeks?”

Keeping it musical:

How many choir divas does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, the world revolves around them!
 
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A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, “How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?”

The Franciscan asked, “What’s a Mercedes Benz?”

The Jesuit asked, “What’s a novena?”
 
Three priests died and met at the pearly gates before St. Peter: a Benedictine, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit.

St. Peter addressed them, “Now, when a group of priests die at the same time, we allow them to go back and view any point in history. You can choose anything, but the catch is all of you have to agree.”

The three priests conferred with one another and they choose to witness the Nativity in Bethlehem.

First, the Benedictine fell flat on his face in prostration and silently worshiped the new born Christ.

Second, the Franciscan began dancing around the manger, singing hymns and praising the glory of the Incarnation.

Lastly, the Jesuit calmly approached St. Joseph. He put his arm around the Saint’s shoulders With his other hand, he reached into his pocket and took out two cigars. Trimming and lighting them, he put one in his mouth and handed the other to St. Joseph. They stood there, watching Christ sleep for a few moments before the Jesuit leaned in close to Joseph and quietly asked:

“So… Have you thought about a school for the boy?”
 
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