A question for the ladies: Friend Zone

[Litcrit]

1 reason that a lot of wonderful guys are just friends is…CHEMISTRY! For whatever reason (and its not always looks) there is just no chemistry.​

You ask “why don’t women consider us perfect life partners considering we’re already friends?” I’d urge you to consider that simply because you’re friends with a woman does not mean you are her perfect life partner.

Exactly. I’ve friend-zoned quite a few guys in my time. Now I’m married and it’s a given any male I associate with can “only” be a friend, but when I was young and single I’ve had to say the words “I’m interested in you as a friend, but nothing else” many times.

It means just that. I like you, love you as a fellow human, respect you, like spending time with you - just like with any female friend I have.

I can have several friends that fit this description - or dozens, depending on my degree of extroversion.

There have been very few men with whom I’ve really wanted to spend the rest of my life having sex and raising babies.

It’s not a flaw, or a fault, or even not asking me out soon enough (I have been known to ask guys out if I liked them in that way, so that one really is not a problem) - it’s just the lack of a feeling that this is a potential sexual partner and life partner.

I’ve even tried going out with a very dear friend of mine who had a crush on me for a while when we were both 17. Kissing him felt like kissing a brother - incestuous and disgusting. He was my friend, pure and simple. We survived this fiasco and are still friends - I’m now married and he’s engaged.

Why SHOULD every male and female be potential sexual partners?

 

[chevalier]

Theres been so many men who I barely met accuse me of this. When I met my husband it was the same thing and he got moved back out of the friend zone very quickly!

Getting out of the friend-zone is a blend of attractiveness and persistence but with emphasis on the former. If a woman “likes” you, you can’t do anything wrong. If she doesn’t, then you can’t do anything right. It’s probably as simple as finding the former woman and not the latter. For the record, it’s probably the same with sexes inverted.

 

[Debora123]

1. Have you ever friend-zoned a guy;

By that, do you mean have I ever had a friend who was a guy whom I was not attracted to? Yes.

1. If or if not, can anyone explain why we guys get stuck in the friend zone and why don’t more women consider us as perfect life partners (given that we’re already great friends)?

If I’m not attracted to a guy who is a friend, why would I date him? I’m not sure I understand your question.

 

[Debora123]

I don’t understand this thread.

Is the OP expecting women to date any/every guy that comes along and saying that it’s wrong to be “just friends” with a guy??

I am so confused.

 

[AthenaC]

I don’t understand this thread.

Is the OP expecting women to date any/every guy that comes along and saying that it’s wrong to be “just friends” with a guy??

I am so confused.

No, the question refers to a mentality (or perceived mentality) among women that if they are friends with a guy, they won’t date him (whereas, if they weren’t friends with a guy, they might have dated him). This known as the “friend zone.”

Example: Boy likes girl. Boy befriends girl. Boy asks girl out, but girl says “Oh, don’t be silly, you’re such a good friend!” Bam! Friend-zoned.

Versus: Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Flattered by his attention and attraction, girl accepts. Score.

The idea is that which of these two possibilities plays out determines on how the woman “friend zones” a guy that she would otherwise be attracted to. I really do see this happen all the time, even if it never happens that way with me. I actually got “friend zoned” by a guy when I was younger. It sucks.

 

[akela135]

1. Have you ever friend-zoned a guy;

Yes, 2 men that I can think of.

1. If or if not, can anyone explain why we guys get stuck in the friend zone and why don’t more women consider us as perfect life partners (given that we’re already great friends)?

Both situations are different. The first guy I friend-zoned was an okay friend of mine. Him and I didn’t agree on any of the important issues in life, for instance he thought the fact I believed in God was silly and was waiting for me to wake up and realize how ridiculous I’d been . I flat out told him, we could be friends but there were too many issues that would prevent us from having a successful happy relationship. He pestered me to date him for years even while in a long-term relationship with another girl which further told me I had been right to friend-zone him.

The second guy was very shy. I was pretty sure he liked me and I did like him. However since I was focused on school at the time I decided to only date him if he asked me out. We hung out as just friends many, many times, but after 3 years of this, he and his family moved. He kept in touch long distance but he never did ask me out.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No, the question refers to a mentality (or perceived mentality) among women that if they are friends with a guy, they won’t date him (whereas, if they weren’t friends with a guy, they might have dated him). This known as the “friend zone.”

Example: Boy likes girl. Boy befriends girl. Boy asks girl out, but girl says “Oh, don’t be silly, you’re such a good friend!” Bam! Friend-zoned.

Versus: Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Flattered by his attention and attraction, girl accepts. Score.

The idea is that which of these two possibilities plays out determines on how the woman “friend zones” a guy that she would otherwise be attracted to. I really do see this happen all the time, even if it never happens that way with me. I actually got “friend zoned” by a guy when I was younger. It sucks.

As a rule I don’t date my friends. The reasons are twofold. 1. If we are good friends and have a lot of mutual friends I’m not going to risk not only our friendship but others if things go bad. 2. The comfort that a friendship brings can often times kill that initial mystery and excitement that makes the early stages of a relationship memorable. Without that little charge at the beginning I would always wonder if there was really any chemistry, if I was actually attracted to him, and if we would be sexually compatible in the long run.

 

[feed_me]

Wait, isn’t there a thread dedicated to this?

 

[Crescentinus]

Wait, isn’t there a thread dedicated to this?

There is, but this thread is more specific.

 

[Actaeon]

1. Have you ever friend-zoned a guy;
2. If or if not, can anyone explain why we guys get stuck in the friend zone and why don’t more women consider us as perfect life partners (given that we’re already great friends)?

Look, you’re approaching this all wrong.

Guys approach girls who they find attractive. Because of our biology, we don’t exactly care about “messing up a friendship” by getting into a relationship. I would guess that for most guys, most of their female friends are people they were initially interested in.

Girls don’t work that way. Girls are somehow capable of meeting a guy and instantly deciding that, while she’s not interested in a relationship with him, that she wants him to be a friend and that’s it… FOREVER.

So 99% of the guys who complain that things were moving along fine and then BAM they were friendzoned are completely off the mark: there was never a time that they WEREN’T in the friend zone… there was only a time that they were trying for more and not realizing that they were already in the “just friends” list, and that the girl simply hadn’t caught on that the guy wanted more from the get-go.

I also find it a little bit creepy when a guy is super-nice and wonders why he ends up in the friend zone all the time (remember that being “nice” and being good are not the same thing!). It’s like “here, can I buy my way into a relationship with you with all these ‘nice’ things I’m doing”. That’s not good, that’s thinking that a girl OWES someone something because they’re nice to her… like you can somehow buy affection and love like that. Girls aren’t stupid, they can sense that sort of emotional manipulation almost immediately, and they may not do it consciously, but they know that the best place for an insecure person like that is the friends list.

I wish that “nice guys” would STOP trying to ply “nice actions” for affection and falsely thinking that people owe them something for their “niceness”. I would much rather that guys would just be themselves… if someone feels like doing something nice, they should do it do it and not expect anything back. If they DON’T feel like doing something nice, then they shouldn’t do it. At least then girls will know that a guy is being genuine with them and they can actually guage the person as relationship material (since you can’t guage someone who is superficially being nice because they want something out of it)

 

[Joe_5859]

I was friends with my wife for 2 years before we started dating (the first time…4 years before the second time ), so I know that colors my perspective. But I always thought too big a deal is made of the whole “friend zone” thing. It’s not like being relegated to the friend zone is necessarily some permanent thing. And, yes, my wife did relegate me to the “friend zone” over my taste in music. But she grew out of it.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

-]/-]



I was friends with my wife for 2 years before we started dating (the first time…4 years before the second time ), so I know that colors my perspective. But I always thought too big a deal is made of the whole “friend zone” thing. It’s not like being relegated to the friend zone is necessarily some permanent thing. And, yes, my wife did relegate me to the “friend zone” over my taste in music. But she grew out of it.

No, I agree it’s certainly possible to leave the friend zone. But I feel it’s probably more rare than most of us would like to admit.

 

[Actaeon]

I was friends with my wife for 2 years before we started dating (the first time…4 years before the second time ), so I know that colors my perspective. But I always thought too big a deal is made of the whole “friend zone” thing. It’s not like being relegated to the friend zone is necessarily some permanent thing. And, yes, my wife did relegate me to the “friend zone” over my taste in music. But she grew out of it.

Well yes, I was friends with my girlfriend for two years before we started to date, but that was more a situation of niether of us was ever interested in the other before that point… at all. In other words, there was a very genuine friendship and I wasn’t ever doing things because I wanted to “get out of the friend zone”.

And like the above poster said, I would call that more the rare exception than the general way it happens…

 

[Marc_Anthony]

I would guess that for most guys, most of their female friends are people they were initially interested in.

Not in my experience at all. A couple of girls I became interested in AFTER the fact, but I have several female friends that I was never planning on dating.

 

[mellowcalico]

Interesting topic… I never actually consciously decided to “friend-zone” anyone. In high school and college (my single years) I had a lot of male friends… I met them, we got along and were friends. Most of them never asked me out or showed any kind of romantic interest in me. Some guys asked me out, I went out with them, and nothing else ever happened and we became friends (I didn’t reject them or anything–I guess it was kind of like BlueEyedLady’s “no chemistry” comment). Some guys asked me out, we dated and relationships ran their course. But I wasn’t going around categorizing men.

Now, you can flip the question around too and ask men how many women they’ve “friend-zoned.” That happens too (maybe not as much, but it happens). I have met men whom I wanted to date, etc… but they never asked me out and they ended up just being good friends. It was disappointing… especially if they met someone else and started dating. But maybe I should have taken the initiative and asked them out… who knows.

I guess it’s kind of confusing for the men too… in college, there was a guy I had a terrible crush on and he “friendzoned” me so to speak. When it became clear to me that he was never going to be interested in me (I wasn’t his type I guess) and he started dating someone else, I backed off. I was still friendly with him and hung out with him in groups, but I wasn’t “there” all the time and I never hung out with him alone again. He actually asked me if I was mad at him because I seemed to be avoiding him. But it wasn’t avoidance–it was that before I was so enamored with him that I went out of my way to spend time–I’d make an effort to specifically spend time with him. Where, afterwards, I was just hanging out with him when the opportunity presented itself–like if I ran into him in the dining hall or if I ran into him in the dorm lobby or something. When that hope died in my heart, he was a friend… I still liked him. But I no longer felt compelled to follow him around like a lost puppy.

 

[NSFrame]

So 99% of the guys who complain that things were moving along fine and then BAM they were friendzoned are completely off the mark: there was never a time that they WEREN’T in the friend zone… there was only a time that they were trying for more and not realizing that they were already in the “just friends” list, and that the girl simply hadn’t caught on that the guy wanted more from the get-go.

This is exactly right. For me, guys never moved from the “potential love interest” zone TO the “friend” zone. You basically start out in one place and that’s where you stand and will usually always stand. Occasionally you can move from “friends” to “more than friends”, usually when you get to know someone closer and in different contexts and situations, but the reverse is rare.

 

[Actaeon]

Not in my experience at all. A couple of girls I became interested in AFTER the fact, but I have several female friends that I was never planning on dating.

So the majority of females you’ve willingly associated with (ie, someone you wanted to hang out with… not someone who dogged you and not someone you associated with for work or school) are women you never had any interest in?

You say “several” are friends that you never had any interest in… but when I say that for most guys, MOST of their female friends are at least somehow attractive to them, that’s not a mutually exclusive statement when it comes to “you have several friends you weren’t attracted to”. Either way, your evidence here is anecdotal.

The fact that men consider sexual attraction to be a motivator for initiating friendships is statistical fact… just like the fact that women overwhelmingly report “sexual tension” in a friendship as an aggravant… again, because women don’t pursue friends the same way men do… if you’re “in the friend zone” you probably started there and always were there.

 

[Actaeon]

This is exactly right. For me, guys never moved from the “potential love interest” zone TO the “friend” zone. You basically start out in one place and that’s where you stand and will usually always stand. Occasionally you can move from “friends” to “more than friends”, usually when you get to know someone closer and in different contexts and situations, but the reverse is rare.

Thanks! (I mean the next line to be humorous and directed at ladies in general, not you)

See ladies… not all guys are TOTALLY ignorant of the way ladies think!

 

[ShanaA1984]

Thanks! (I mean the next line to be humorous and directed at ladies in general, not you)

See ladies… not all guys are TOTALLY ignorant of the way ladies think!

Well thats good then it means you’ll have a better chance at survival among us.
I swear sometimes men treat women like we are a national geographic special or something off of the discovery channel.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

So the majority of females you’ve willingly associated with (ie, someone you wanted to hang out with… not someone who dogged you and not someone you associated with for work or school) are women you never had any interest in?

You say “several” are friends that you never had any interest in… but when I say that for most guys, MOST of their female friends are at least somehow attractive to them, that’s not a mutually exclusive statement when it comes to “you have several friends you weren’t attracted to”. Either way, your evidence here is anecdotal.

You said “interested in”, not “somehow attractive too them”. Of course I find some of my female friends attractive. I just wasn’t/am not planning on asking them out.

I made most of my female friends through the school play. I don’t really “hang out” with anybody…I have some great friends, but we just meet up occasionally and communicate through e-mail and facebook. Occasionally we’ll both audition for the same out-of-school play or something, which is cool.

This is pretty much how it works with the few female friends I have too (which isn’t a lot).