A single woman's rant

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Hello everyone!

I’ve never been a single woman, but I’ve been single my whole life, and becoming a man more and more each day. Being single and struggling with sexual temptation is something I’ve struggled with and put much thought into, so I wanted to share some of those thoughts here.

There has been a lot of talk to the effect that sexual drive while single only leads us to hell. There are two sides to that. In the first place, in today’s loose society, we are encouraged to be open and relaxed, but often forget to guard what is sacred, like our sexuality. This powerful force is the way God chose to work with us to bring new human life into the world, a new life that will live forever or forever suffer, depending on its own choices. Being a way that God works so directly with us makes it a sacred action. When we watch movies or tv or read books or magazines that treat it lightly, we are encouraged to treat it more lightly or to focus on it more than we should. Studies constantly show the power of advertising, and that’s why companies pour so much money into it. We can proudly say that we are not effected by the influence of such shows or reading as might influence us to treat our sexuality lightly, but the studies again show otherwise.

In the second place, our sexual drive, when no longer hyper engaged through over-focusing on it and not treated lightly, becomes a source of inspiration, at least in my own life, and I’ve noticed in a few of the other posts. As I strive to live it properly, (and don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of faults), it makes me want to engage it properly, within the context of a loving marriage, where we can each rest in the arms of each other assured and assuring of the love of each other. While if I stopped there, it might drive me to be on a hunt for a good woman, it doesn’t stop there. I know human relations are dependent on our virtue and love of each other. So, it’s helped me to become more of the person I want to attract. If I want a virtuous and fun-loving woman to be attracted to me, I figure that I need to exhibit virtue and fun-loving myself. Marriage entails a lot of interaction with another person (99.99 percent not “sexual” in the strict sense), so learning to interact with others better is something I’ve recognized I need to work on.

So, instead of just fighting my sex drive, I try not to watch people who treat it lightly or emphasize it so I’m not overly focused on it. It really has helped keep it more in perspective! Then, I use it to try to make myself more the person I want to be, and even more outgoing and friendly. 🙂

Pax.
 
CountrySinger said:
Nope. Do I look like the kind of woman who would do that? 🙂
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Ah, so you’re just using the other guy to make the priest jealous…you women can be so devious when it comes to getting us men into trouble. It’s in the Bible!
 
valient_Lucy said:
I haven’t done this too much, but I really need to rant. One thing I really can’t stand about being a Christian is the fact that it’s almost impossible to be a single woman and a Christian without growing to hate your sexuality. Any itch, any feeling of sexual desire is only a temptation, or an occasion to sin. In other words, the sexuality of a single person is only a gift if it is completely dormant and inactive. It serves no useful purpose. It doesn’t help you find a spouse, it doesn’t help you become a saint.

I know that my sexuality is not entirely useless. It is a cross, and the anxiety, frustration, and the sadness that I feel as a result of it (I’m crying while I write this) invites me to participate in the sufferings of Christ. I know that what doesn’t kill me will ultimately make me stronger, and if my sexuality doesn’t crush my soul, i’ll ultimately emerge a stronger Christian. But how many crosses can I bear? Quite frankly, I don’t know how I can bear this one.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to get married or not, but it just doesn’t seem fair. If I get married, my desires will suddenly become good. But as long as I am single, my desires will remain vile and wicked. Or rather, as Christian teaching has it, my sex drive is good, as long as it doesn’t exist. If it exists, then it’s bad.

What am I supposed to do? I’ve heard that one of the side effects of the Pill is it causes a woman’s sex drive to significantly decrease, and I have to admit, that sounds very appealing. Sometimes I think I should ask my doctor to put me on the Pill, so that my sex drive will diminish. If I can’t make it go away, then at least I can minimize it. I know it’s not a solution, but there is no solution. I HATE MY SEX DRIVE and as long as I am single, Christianity gives me no other choice but to hate it.
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I was so depressed after my Mom died and I had no wife or girlfriend at the time in which to confide in. A friend (who is now a Poor Clare nun) took me to my first Adoration. I could feel the warmth and love of the lord as I asked him what he wants me to do. Priesthood? Consecrated Single? Marriage? “I’m putting the footbal in your hands lord”. A month later I met my wonderful wife. (God is good!) And now we have two beutiful Twins (praise God!).
Continue to trust in God, listen to him in the silence and ask his beloved mother to be your advocate. God Bless!
 
ack said:
There is definitely more to being male or female than wanting to have sex, but I feel that our normal sexual desires are irreversibly linked to the other male or female characteristics. Note that, from a biological perspective, traits that are distinctly “male” or “female” generally exist to promote reproduction in some way, either by encouraging people to have children, bonding between fathers and mothers, arriving at an appropriate division of labor between fathers and mothers, or by making it easier for men and women to locate healthy mates.

If we could invent a pill that eliminates sex drive (as you mentioned in our post), I think it would mess up our existing conceptions of “male” and “female” as a side-effect, leaving us unable to function as we are supposed to. After all, the roles and traits of men and women are all reproduction-related, and if we lose all desire to reproduce, could we predict what would happen?
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Maybe. Unfortuantely, we’ll never be able to find out.

Well, in heaven, we won’t want to have sex. So we’ll find out there. Unfortuantely, as someone said, “The attempt to bring heaven down to earth usually results in bringing hell up from below.” So you may be right.

Oh well. Fiat voluntas tuo. I have to accept that God made me this way. I don’t have to like it, but I have to accept it. I’m already starting to feel better about it, and I know I’ll continue to feel better.
 
cephas161619 said:
Hello everyone!

I’ve never been a single woman, but I’ve been single my whole life, and becoming a man more and more each day. Being single and struggling with sexual temptation is something I’ve struggled with and put much thought into, so I wanted to share some of those thoughts here.

There has been a lot of talk to the effect that sexual drive while single only leads us to hell. There are two sides to that. In the first place, in today’s loose society, we are encouraged to be open and relaxed, but often forget to guard what is sacred, like our sexuality. This powerful force is the way God chose to work with us to bring new human life into the world, a new life that will live forever or forever suffer, depending on its own choices. Being a way that God works so directly with us makes it a sacred action. When we watch movies or tv or read books or magazines that treat it lightly, we are encouraged to treat it more lightly or to focus on it more than we should. Studies constantly show the power of advertising, and that’s why companies pour so much money into it. We can proudly say that we are not effected by the influence of such shows or reading as might influence us to treat our sexuality lightly, but the studies again show otherwise.

In the second place, our sexual drive, when no longer hyper engaged through over-focusing on it and not treated lightly, becomes a source of inspiration, at least in my own life, and I’ve noticed in a few of the other posts. As I strive to live it properly, (and don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of faults), it makes me want to engage it properly, within the context of a loving marriage, where we can each rest in the arms of each other assured and assuring of the love of each other. While if I stopped there, it might drive me to be on a hunt for a good woman, it doesn’t stop there. I know human relations are dependent on our virtue and love of each other. So, it’s helped me to become more of the person I want to attract. If I want a virtuous and fun-loving woman to be attracted to me, I figure that I need to exhibit virtue and fun-loving myself. Marriage entails a lot of interaction with another person (99.99 percent not “sexual” in the strict sense), so learning to interact with others better is something I’ve recognized I need to work on.

So, instead of just fighting my sex drive, I try not to watch people who treat it lightly or emphasize it so I’m not overly focused on it. It really has helped keep it more in perspective! Then, I use it to try to make myself more the person I want to be, and even more outgoing and friendly. 🙂

Pax.
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Excellent post, with a lot of food for thought.
 
OLHope said:
I agree and disagree with so much you feel.
This rant makes me giggle a little bit.

We are trapped, because to get the sex, we need the committed willful faithful spouse.
An arduous task, indeed!

May the following help resolve this rant:
How do I control my sex drive?:
  1. Code: 
    Work on my projects.
  2. Code: 
    Go out with good friends in groups.
  3. Code: 
    Work, work, work some more.
  4. Code: 
    Mostly and mainly, think about the trouble or problems I would have if I allowed that drive to get out of hand.
Many of you already divulged, but anyone else with helpful tips?
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I appreciate your tips. However, I would like to point out that it is indeed an arduous task to find a committed, willful, faithful spouse!

Nonetheless, your tips are true. They’ve certainly worked for me. Taking a one hour walk helped.

BTW, I’m glad you find my inner turmoil entertaining! :rolleyes:
 
PaulinVA said:
We all have urges of a sexual nature. Well, at least most of us if not all. Whether we are married or single, gay or straight, 18 or 80, we all, either occasionally or constantly (or somewhere in between) have thoughts of a sexual nature.

Sometimes there is a licit outlet for those thoughts, but most of the times there is not.

If you have never been married with kids, you might think that married life is just one big sex-a-thon, but it isn’t. There are kids to take care of, housework to do, dinners to make, work to obsess over, traffic to drive in. In my experience over 25 years, having all things align correctly for two people in a marriage to want and be able to have sex is truly a thing to be cherished. For it doesn’t happen as often as you would think, and maybe not as often as you would like.

We are all, at one time or another, struggling with this. Some people struggle their entire life. Some people struggle when single. Some people are married and struggle. Some people experience same sex attraction and have a life-long struggle.

When we find the struggle is especially intense. let’s pray for those who may never have a licit outlet for these intense feelings.
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You’re right, and I’m sure that I’ve gotten that opinion over the years, even though on a factual level I know it’s not true.

The one thing I could say is, if I was married, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to have sex. It wouldn’t be wrong to want to have sex.

But I’m single, so I do have to feel guilty about wanting to have sex, and it is wrong for me to want to have sex.
 
valient_Lucy said:
You’re right, and I’m sure that I’ve gotten that opinion over the years, even though on a factual level I know it’s not true.

The one thing I could say is, if I was married, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to have sex. It wouldn’t be wrong to want to have sex.

But I’m single, so I do have to feel guilty about wanting to have sex, and it is wrong for me to want to have sex.
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I would start with going to Adoration, and just plainly talking to Jesus AND then be still, listen.
If you don’t hear anything or get a response I would continue and make Adoration a worthwhile
commitment.

I don’t feel guilty about wanting to have sex sometimes, lets get frank, I talk to Jesus and tell Him how I feel and I pray, I give Him that desire in exchange for His peace amongst the struggle. I think I’ve figured out that Jesus doesn’t want us to be hung up on being single, the dreariness of it all (lol). I think He loathes hearing all this, in good humor of course. We are single on the outside, but really we are not, Christ is there and I think that really feeling the single state is actually Him trying to get our attention because HE wants to remedy that uncomfortable feeling etc…He is always THE answer. So, I would start by nurturing your relationship with Jesus Christ.

God Bless. 😉

Theology of the Body
www.ChristopherWest.com
 
The more you negatively and frustratingly focus on something out of reach, forever it will be out of your reach. There’s a difference between a suffering that God wants you to endure, and a self-imposed suffering from delusional behaviour. Why are so many people quick to write-off not finding a spouse as some kind of suffering from God?

I can’t say too much about a woman’s situation, since I’m not a woman - but I know many guys that sit around nitpicking about any potential girls and try to find that “special someone” - the main complaint is that she’s not Catholic or not Catholic enough.

Whilst I have plenty of dates with girls that are Catholic and not Catholic, I too was once in that stupid frame of mind. I realized that before anything serious was to happen, one should have fun, and this shouldn’t have anything to do with their belief systems, as long as they aren’t a deranged serial killer, have dates with anyone so you experience others without bitching and moaning, when you stop worrying too much that’s when you’ll meet someone you know that’s right for you.

And for guys this means opening yourself up to getting rejected, yes, you can’t usually set up a picture perfect meeting, you see someone you like, take the initiative. There seems to be a battalion of young and middle-aged Catholics in each city whinging about not meeting anyone, being sexually frustrated, and being depressed 24/7 because they are single.

These people are continuously egged on by others that it’s a cross they must bear and to keep praying and hoping for better, rubbish, go out and get yourself out there, don’t expect Jesus himself to come down and bring you a partner.
 
Bataar said:
Thinking about sex leads to lust which is a mortal sin. Being single, we have no means to relieve ourselves that is not sinful.
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Learn to read, her statement was “wanting” sex, not “thinking” about sex - which are completely different things for obvious reasons.

Sexual desire will always remain, and that’s not a sin. You are going to want sex as soon as you hit puberty, it’s a natural biological thing, priest/monk/married/single/gay/lesbian/transvestite, whatever, it’s not going to change that. You will be aroused, unless you have some kind of medical condition, it’s as simply as that! Your body is responding.

That is not a sin by any definition, religious or new-age spiritual mystical bs.

In any case, thinking about sex is not necessarily sinful, depends what exactly you are thinking of, lusting is considered sinful, thinking and lusting however aren’t the same things either. If you are learning about sexual intercourse in biology, you are thinking about sex aren’t you? 🤷

Use the right words, so you don’t confuse yourself and others.
 
Hey Lucy, I haven’t read the thread so maybe this has been suggested already but you should check out some theology of the body!

Go HERE, scroll down to the 3rd item on the page- “Christopher West-TOB,” you can download it for FREE. I think it is 12 hours total- a great way for you to understand and appreciate your sexuality and body as God created it!!
 
Whenever you have some sort of “urge,” pray,
Mary, Queen of Purity, pray for us.
 
You also have two choices of how you can feel:

1- maintain how you are currently “feeling” now.
or
2-give in, have sex (while not married), and then deal with THAT feeling of knowing you committed a mortal sin.
I’d rather maintain the first!
 
valient_Lucy said:
The one thing I could say is, if I was married, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to have sex. It wouldn’t be wrong to want to have sex.

But I’m single, so I do have to feel guilty about wanting to have sex, and it is wrong for me to want to have sex.
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Both of these statements are inaccurate. We never know what life will bring us. My husband and I live as brother and sister due to a medical condition, and it’s not always easy. When it gets hard I think of all the people who are misusing their sexuality, and offer my situation up in reparation for their sins and my own.
There is no sin in wanting to have sex, it’s what we choose to do about it that matters. I can look at a handsome man and appreciate him as part of God’s creation, and pray for him.
Sexual energy can be transmuted into other forms of creativity: music, art, athletics, . .As C.S.Lewis says, our society is addicted to sex. If some of us can refrain and try to be chaste, it kind of balances it, creating little pockets of sanity, if you will.
God bless.
 
What a luxury it is to rantI
Valient Lucy, I realizie this thread has continued for over a year now! (LOL)…and sorry, because ranting is so cathartic, i’d like to "rant’ some more.

The “wanting”/desire to make love with a person- to share totally with another all that you are, all that you have-i believe is one of the most powerful gifts God has given us. It’s simply what we do with the “wanting”, the desire to love a person-male or female-that is a cause for deep consideration…like ‘no’-not outside marriage: the Ten Commandments and the ‘CCC’ for starters…

Refraining from expressing love physically, i think, expresses so much more than sex, because i feel it’s so often just a secular/general expectation that after…dates, it’s just the next step. (But i confess, i came to that conclusion after a few ‘u turns’/much mortal sin and… after more like, ‘near death experiences’)
Waiting, I believe can say:i value and respect you enough that i won’t take what is not mine to have.

Vicki33’s reply:a description of what i know to be a ‘josephite marriage’, is to my mind, beautiful.!
Thank you for sharing your experience of a loving marriage-without sex. There are so many other ways to make love to your husband…
My prayers are with that you God may continue to deepen that love you have for one another,your selves…and others.

…but the line that resonated with me most was the knowing that sexual energy can be expressed through one’s creativity:for eg- music, the arts etc.
Personally, my creative output reduced when i had conjugal relations. Thes drive, passion and intensity-lessened though i loved my husband dearly. The focus was being expressed towards another.others may see it differently-i came to resent it…
.Strangely though, I think that was just the beginning of a personal journey towards myself and others; maybe the beginning of an identity that had been foreclosed too early??

So briefly? i agree with Vicki33 and and pray that others may consider rules on par with love; that they be kind to themselves; appreciate the gift God has given us and turn to the sacrament of reconciliation and spend time in solitude, silence with the Blessed Sacrament. Please don’t see that as a ‘lecture’-just sharing my journey with the truths I’ve experienced within Buddhism and other Easter traditions.

God Bless 😉
 
I think I’ve been looking for help in all the wrong places! :doh2:

I was on retreat this weekend (a great retreat by the way) and I heard a priest talk about the Blessed Mother as a guide to the various different vocations. As he talked about the priesthood, he said, “If a priest is living his oath of celibacy as a negative, if he views it as simply ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do that,’ good luck. He’s going to be miserable, and he’s not going to be a good priest.”

He explained that chastity for priests and consecrated life means that their sexuality has to be integrated into their entire person, and that they are called to give themselves to everyone! He explained that a married person is called to love their spouse and their children completely; a consecrated religious and priest is called to love everyone completely. Chastity is not limiting; if anything, marriage is limiting, because a married person can’t love everyone in the way that a priest or religous can. He also stressed that this is how singles should view chastity, even if they’re not called to religous life. He urged us to give ourselves totally to everyone, to “lose sleep over the salvation of others.” For the first time in weeks, I stopped hating myself, and chastity seemed liberating. (Now, the vow of poverty on the other hand sounded awful.:rolleyes:)

I also went back and looked at the websites for the Dominican Sisters of Mary, the Mother of the Eucharist, a thriving religous order, aka, those nuns on Oprah. They talked about how a religous does not leave behind the vocation to a wife and mother. In fact, they said that any religous woman who does not view her vocation through the lens of a wife and mother will not bear fruit in her vocation. They echoed what the priest had said, that by saying no to marriage, sex, and children, they were able to say yes to loving everyone!

I hesitate to say this, but I think I was getting advice from the wrong people. Most of the advice I’ve read, either on the forum or in other books, were written by married people. I think that was counter-productive. Most of their advice for singles ended up focusing on the negative, “Don’t do this, don’t do that.” As the priest said, this leads to a negative view of sexuality. They tried to balance out the negative view by emphasizing how great sex is, and then I felt even more deprived. They tried to ease the suffering by assuring that one day, when singles get married, we’ll be glad that we waited. But these are promises they simply cannot guarantee. They cannot guarantee that every lonely single will marry, and they cannot guarantee that every virgin bride or groom will not regret their decision to wait. (My mom regrets being a virgin when she married.) Most painful of all, they were also unable to provide concrete advice on what to do right now, at this moment. I read a few chapters out of Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West (who is married) and he only had two pieces of advice. The first was to pray, and the second one was to think about how we’ll be married in heaven and part of the communion of saints. In other words, “Don’t worry single person, you’ll be dead soon!” Gee, thanks! 😦

I don’t actually blame Christopher West, or the other married people whose advice I read. It’s just that, I think in this area, they were out of their league. Married people simply can’t help single people develop a healthy, positive view of chastity and of their sexuality. They can explain the teachings of the Church, but they can’t give advice on what a single person should do at this moment, in day to day life, and they can’t exemplfy the self giving love that singles are called to. On the other hand, a priest or religous who is truly living and embracing his vocation can teach this, not only with words, but through his whole life.

I really hesitated whether or not to post this. After writing it, I copied and deleted it, to give myself a few minutes to think it over. But I decided that I had to be honest. After all, that’s what this thread is all about. I needed to say this, because this is how I feel at this moment.
 
valient_Lucy said:
I really hesitated whether or not to post this. After writing it, I copied and deleted it, to give myself a few minutes to think it over. But I decided that I had to be honest. After all, that’s what this thread is all about. I needed to say this, because this is how I feel at this moment.
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Everything you wrote looks great to me…
 
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