A single woman's rant

[valient_Lucy]

I haven’t done this too much, but I really need to rant. One thing I really can’t stand about being a Christian is the fact that it’s almost impossible to be a single woman and a Christian without growing to hate your sexuality. Any itch, any feeling of sexual desire is only a temptation, or an occasion to sin. In other words, the sexuality of a single person is only a gift if it is completely dormant and inactive. It serves no useful purpose. It doesn’t help you find a spouse, it doesn’t help you become a saint.

I know that my sexuality is not entirely useless. It is a cross, and the anxiety, frustration, and the sadness that I feel as a result of it (I’m crying while I write this) invites me to participate in the sufferings of Christ. I know that what doesn’t kill me will ultimately make me stronger, and if my sexuality doesn’t crush my soul, i’ll ultimately emerge a stronger Christian. But how many crosses can I bear? Quite frankly, I don’t know how I can bear this one.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to get married or not, but it just doesn’t seem fair. If I get married, my desires will suddenly become good. But as long as I am single, my desires will remain vile and wicked. Or rather, as Christian teaching has it, my sex drive is good, as long as it doesn’t exist. If it exists, then it’s bad.

What am I supposed to do? I’ve heard that one of the side effects of the Pill is it causes a woman’s sex drive to significantly decrease, and I have to admit, that sounds very appealing. Sometimes I think I should ask my doctor to put me on the Pill, so that my sex drive will diminish. If I can’t make it go away, then at least I can minimize it. I know it’s not a solution, but there is no solution. I HATE MY SEX DRIVE and as long as I am single, Christianity gives me no other choice but to hate it.

 

[Trishie]

Best not to hate any aspect of yourself… but I think I might pray that you do find someone with whom you can have a blessed and happy marriage.
I ask the Lord to give you peace, and to help you cope with this.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Lucy, there are many who are in the same boat. The widowed, the ordained, the divorced, teenagers, men, those with sick spouses…

You have a choice in life. You can either be a slave to your body and give in to your desires even without a spouse, which would be degrading and sinful and leave you vulnerable in many ways. Or you can be in control of your heart and your body and guard it the way you would guard something precious.

Do you give in to your desire to eat every time you felt like it? If you did, you’d weigh 600 pounds.

The appetites we have are to keep us alive and to continue our species. Many of us who must be chaste because of life’s circumstances find ways to keep busy, in prayer and find other things to think about. But it’s like being on a diet. You’ll only make yourself miserable if you go by the bakery and stare at the chocolate cake in the window you can’t have. Then you will convince yourself that you are being deprived. Which only makes the cake look more delicious and adds to your feeling of being left out.

You see sexual desire as vile. That’s sad. It’s no more vile than any other appetite. What IS vile is when people give in to appetites in disproportionate amounts or in circumstances that are not moral or fitting.

And marriage doesn’t make it “good.” Married spouses with a disordered view of sex can misuse it and turn an opportunity of grace into something vile. Marriage doesn’t cure the sexual urge. Sometimes married couples have to refrain from relations due to pregnancy, sickness, job separation or other reasons. If you don’t get a grip on your sexual urges before marriage, or you marry someone who hasn’t either, you will not have a successful marriage.

Maybe God is waiting until you are clear on the beauty of that “gift” yourself before He sends someone to you. If you only see it as a troublesome gift that annoys you and will annoy you until you can find someone to give it to, you probably won’t have a very good sexual relationship with your spouse.

Christianity never demands you hate anything about you that God put there. However, our society wants us to think that we are incapable of controlling ourselves and Christianity is the problem. Look around you at the people who don’t try to control their sex drives. Look at the wreckage of their families. Are they happy? Healthy? Satisfied?

Throwing away a gift so valuable because you think it’s a cross is sad.

 

[rpp]

Do you think single men, such as myself who often have a more powerful sex drive, have it any better? It is a cross and a burden we must all bear. Only prayer and prayerful support from of friends and neighbors can help us get through this.

May God bless you in your struggle, a struggle that I share.

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Anyways I’m not 100% sure that it becomes 100% reduced as a Cross when one is married. I strongly suspect that many men feel violated if someone else does the initiating so as a married woman one might also feel like one has a Cross to bear. I do not claim to know, but I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[agapewolf]

IN TOB, JPII specifically states that marriage does not legitmize lust.

Lust is one thing, sexual desire is another.

Lust is always wrong. Sexual desire, in its purest sense, is a gift from God. When in tempting moments, do not repress, but instead pray and offer it to God.

Do NOT go on artificial chemicals to make your body stop working the way it is supposed to naturally.

 

[rpp]

IN TOB, JPII specifically states that marriage does not legitmize lust.

Lust is one thing, sexual desire is another.

Lust is always wrong. Sexual desire, in its purest sense, is a gift from God. When in tempting moments, do not repress, but instead pray and offer it to God.

Do NOT go on artificial chemicals to make your body stop working the way it is supposed to naturally.

Everything you said. Fasting also helps.

Consider these organizations:
for men e5men.org/
for women: e5men.org/promote_woman.cfm

 

[chevalier]

Lucy,

Your sex drive is not evil or vile. It would be evil or vile if you engaged in sexual activities (in real life or mentally).

A single person is not sinning when he has a desire for another, much less a desire for marriage, including the sexual part of it.

A single person is sinning if he or she engages in unlawful sexual activity, which includes fornication (premarital sex), masturbation, or the lustful sins of mind which are basically a mental form of masturbation. That doesn’t mean the single person sins when he or she is attracted to another. He or she sins when he or she goes out and has sex or when he or she sits down sapping the “venereal” pleasure that comes from experiencing sex drive. This requires active and consensual engagement in the “itch”, not merely the fact it pops up in the body. And when a thought crosses the mind, that’s not a sin, either. It’s only when the thought stays (by choice, not by persistence of temptation) that sin starts.

This said, I spent a long time today wondering if I sinned when I touched a friend’s elbow in conversation on an impulse guided by attraction and not one guided by friendship, even though it wasn’t premeditated and I got a grip of it instantly afterward.

IN TOB, JPII specifically states that marriage does not legitmize lust.

Didn’t he say it was a sin to look at one’s wife with desire when she didn’t want it?

And Aquinas said having intercourse for mere physical kicks was venial - and mortal when the person of the spouse was accidental (i.e. when the actor was ready to have sex with anyone but the spouse happened to be there).

Anyways I’m not 100% sure that it becomes 100% reduced as a Cross when one is married. I strongly suspect that many men feel violated if someone else does the initiating so as a married woman one might also feel like one has a Cross to bear.

Just like women, men don’t need to be pushed. I suppose many would be flattered. What may be difficult is the fertile days for couples that practice NFP. Dealing with sex drive is a whole different story once you become sexually active. From what I’ve heard.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Do you think single men, such as myself who often have a more powerful sex drive, have it any better? It is a cross and a burden we must all bear. Only prayer and prayerful support from of friends and neighbors can help us get through this.

May God bless you in your struggle, a struggle that I share.

I’m glad I’m not the only single person who realizes that the single person’s sex drive is a Cross.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You must be young if your sex drive is your heaviest cross. There are bigger ones and worse ones that may come along. Just warnin’ ya!

 

[valient_Lucy]

This said, I spent a long time today wondering if I sinned when I touched a friend’s elbow in conversation on an impulse guided by attraction and not one guided by friendship, even though it wasn’t premeditated and I got a grip of it instantly afterward.

See, this is what I’m talking about! The constant anxiety because nothing is allowed, so any moment you might cross the line. The ONLY thing your sex drive provides the single person is an occasion to sin. It’s a terrifying urge, because it can send you to Hell.

I know, the sex drive keeps the species going and what not. But when you’re not married, that’s purely theoretical. It’s as useful to me as pancreatic cancer.

 

[valient_Lucy]

You must be young if your sex drive is your heaviest cross. There are bigger ones and worse ones that may come along. Just warnin’ ya!

The most frustrating thing is this is the only one that never goes away. The cross of suffering emotional abuse from my father and my parents’ divorce went away. The cross of having both of my kneecaps dislocate and needing dual knee surgery went away. Even the cross of suffering from clinical depression on and off for 10 years has mostly gone away, though I doubt I’ll ever be totally free of that one.

Yes, the cross of my sexuality is nowhere near as bad as lying in a hospital bed for over an hour in excrutiating agony with absolutly nothing to stop the pain. But that went away, and is now no more than a memory. This pain never leaves me, and won’t until I’m dead.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Do NOT go on artificial chemicals to make your body stop working the way it is supposed to naturally.

I don’t think I actually would. But the temptation is real, since I KNOW that, if my sex drive vanished, I would be a much happier person.

 

[kage_ar]

God created human beings, men and women. He designed us, His design is perfect, God only makes perfection.

Perhaps meditate on Psalm 139, pray this Psalm every time you are tempted to despise the way God made you?

**You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. **
**I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew; my bones were not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth. ** **Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be. ** **How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them! ** Were I to count, they would outnumber the sands; to finish, I would need eternity.

 

[IrishDude45]

I sympathize with you…as a teenage guy I feel almost exactly the same way about it. At this point there is nothing I can do about it without falling into sin. Its frustrating, and for myself, just like you, its the heaviest cross at the moment. But our Saviour did say, “deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow me!” We have to do that courageously and try not to loose heart! The Church Triumphant are praying for you, you can be sure of that. Think of all the saints that lived chaste lives!

Pax tecum

 

[Eucharisted]

Think of Mary and her sex drive. She was a woman, so she had to deal with one. Pray the Rosary often, and remember, your Mother sympasizes with you.

 

[Voradin]

I don’t think I actually would. But the temptation is real, since I KNOW that, if my sex drive vanished, I would be a much happier person.

Listen,
The sex drive is a good thing, it has it’s purpose,
For you to reject it and treat it as a curse is wrong.
I have sexual attractions to Certain females,
but I in no way want to engage in intercourse with them without marriage first.

It sounds like you need a man for you, one to show you what the beauty of it all is. It binds us to god, though not quite like communion it is sacred.
Adam and Eve had sexual desire for each other, but it didn’t mean they were animals, they didn’t overindulge that would be a sin of gluttony. You only give into good desires until properly satisified by the right means.

I’ll pray for you.

Just look it up for yourself.
I’m not the best teacher, learn for yourself and except the church teachings and you’ll have no problems

 

[Gertabelle]

Valient Lucy, (love the screen name, by the way )

You are in a large and dignified crowd of saints who have struggled with temptations of every sort. St. Paul spoke of praying to have a “thorn in the flesh” removed – didn’t happen. St. Augustine reformed his life completely at his conversion, but the temptations never left him. And the scriptures tell us that Jesus Himself was tempted in every way we are.

I am also a single woman (though nearly old enough to be your mother!) and I still have the joy of offering up these same struggles to our heavenly Father. It used to drive to me to fits of frustration and anger and tears, but at this point in my life, I’ve screwed things up so badly (14 years away from the Church will do that) that I have LOADS of people in my life that need conversion – people who I helped stay away from Christ through my words and actions while I was away.

Personally, although I know I am incapable of resisting temptation on my own, I would gladly be stuck with the incessant temptation so as to have something to offer up, acts of reparation for my sinful past and the current sins of friends from that past. As I tell my students when they make mistakes, just think of these temptations as the opportunity to practice, in our case to work towards the perfection we seek.

And as a woman who was once in a civil marriage, I can tell you that having a “release” for those urges does not mean a free-for-all. The discipline you are gaining now will be a gift you bring to your husband in your marriage.

Dear one, you are very much in my prayers. And I encourage you to redouble your own prayers and sacrifices. There is a tremendous outpouring of grace available from bringing our meager efforts, surprising successes, and frequent failures to our Heavenly Father. Ask for the help of the saints who have gone before us.

God bless you, dear sister in Christ!

Gertie

 

[ack]

Hello Lucy,

I was about to send you a link to another thread on this topic, until I realized that you had already been on that one. Instead, I’m going to simply repeat your message, which reflects an insightful, mature, and healthy point of view regarding the sexuality of single people. (In other word, I couldn’t have written a better reply myself.)

I was thinking about this topic recently, and whether or not I (as a single laywoman) would want the procedure myself. There have been moments in the past, and I’m sure there will be moments in the future, when I would gladly sign up for it. My own sex drive seems to be only a source of temptation and sadness, and my sex drive certainly hasn’t helped my battle with depression. When my sex drive peaks, I can be certain that I will soon, if only briefly, feel the symptoms of depression.

But, at this moment, I can honestly answer, “No, I would not have the procedure.”

Is my sexuality a curse? No. I cannot call anything that God created a curse.

Is it a gift? No. As a single lay woman, I cannot honestly say that it is a gift.

What is my sexuality then? It is a CROSS. It is an opportunity for me to share in the sufferings of Christ, and His Blessed Mother. I suffer as a result of it, and I can offer up that suffering with Christ’s Sacrifice as penance for my sins, for the conversion of sinners, and for the Holy Souls in Purgatory.

Is it fun? No. Would my life be happier without my sex drive? I have no doubt that it would be. But as a Christian, my goal in life is not happiness, it is salvation.

St. Rose of Lima said that without the cross, we cannot hope to reach heaven, and that if we knew the value of our sufferings here on earth, we would beg God to increase them. Our Lord Himself said that anyone who does not pick up his own cross and follow Him cannot be His disciple.

For me, eliminating my sexuality would mean rejecting the cross that Christ has asked me to carry. How can I hope to call myself His disciple if I reject the cross? I cannot. As tempting as such a procedure would be, I must embrace the cross that Christ has given me, and wait and hope for the day when I enter into Christ’s Kingdom. On that day, I will joyfully cast off my cross, but I shall at the same time be thankful for that cross, for helping me get to heaven.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Hey

I’m a married woman here, but I do remember my single days and you sound so much like myself! I got married 2 years ago, so that situation is so fresh in my mind.

First things first: sexual desire is NOT a bad thing. Not at all. I agree with the poster who likened it to an appetite for food. Feeling hungry is perfectly natural, but you should realize it for what it is, and fill that desire with healthful things. The nice thing about a sexual desire is it is, for the most part, a “use it or lose it” kind of thing. The less you focus on it, the less you explore it, the less and less it flares. My husband and I sort of had the opposite experience when we got married. We worked so hard at diminishing it when we were dating, that once we got married…well let’s just say it seems like the frequency grows the longer we’ve been married.

The only way I found to deal with it, as a single person, was to see it for what it was. A natural desire that is in no way evil or misguided. It’s perfectly natural to want those things. Then you need to focus on what you do crave: sexual intimacy with a man you are married to. Not just carnal sex. Once you can see it for what it really is, it doesn’t seem so big. Also, the more you dwell on it, the more overpowering it gets. By dwelling on it you are basically “using it” making the desire grow. Just like thinking about food makes you hungry whether you need to eat or not. Fill your life with other, holy things. Before I was married I don’t think I had a single night at home alone. I was out with friends, at the church volunteering, or practicing my music. As these things fill your life, they become the focus. Satan is going to do all he can to blow this out of proportion. Don’t let him. Also, it wasn’t until I was able to “let go” about my being single that I met my husband. shrugs