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TheAdvocate
Guest
Believe it or not, there is a website dedicated to abused men. It’s definitely secular, but you might find some great resources:
shrink4men.wordpress.com/
shrink4men.wordpress.com/
- Status
W
wabrams
Guest
My wife was physically abusive to me once or twice, but the emotional and mental abuse havew constant since ~6 mos after we got married (married now 4.5yrs). Started out with simple head butting, disagreeing over small stuff. Then she told me she had always wanted someone she could control and had misjudged me as someone who she thought she could control. Had I known about this before our wedding, there is a very good chance I would have not married her. Several occasions she threatened to cut off my penis if I ever cheated on her or left her; those threats stopped about 2 years into the marriage.
After we married, I put own about 15-20 lbs over a 3 year period. I ended up weighing about 164lbs on a 5’8" frame; I admit I got very pudgy. She always pointed out how my belly “got in the way” during sex. I couldn’t drink a soda, eat chips, etc with out some snarking or demeaning comment from her. She likes to make snarky comments about my quirky personality traits, interests, etc.
When the baby was born, she lied about leaving her nice full-time state job to going back to coaching gymnastics. Her bait to get me to agree was that it would be a $400-$500 pay cut a month, but we wouldn’t have to put our daughter in daycare or use a babysitter regularly. She knew full well it was a part-time position and we still had to use a babysitter 4 days a week. When I finally faced the fact our marriage was in the toilet was when she started using our daughter as leverage to get what she wanted. Twice she told me she would leave me, travel to Texas where her family is, and make sure I never saw my daughter again.
I let things fester a couple of more months and finally told her the weekend after Easter that I had had enough. She said lets do counseling; I told her no since I had suggested it for the last 3 years and she said no (some mea culpa, I should have gone alone or really insisted). She told me the next day she wasn’t attracted to me, never really had been, she has never trusted me ever nor trusts anyone else on the face of the Earth.
She went on for a month and a half that things in our marriage were 90% her fault. Then one day, she denied ever having said that and told me everything was my fault and she had done no wrong. I’ve told her she has made me feel like nothing more than a sperm donor and a paycheck; she has not once denied it or tried to sway me otherwise from that train iof thought.
I have felt so decieved and lied to just so I would marry her. That has been her excuse about keeping a couple of things from me: she knew I wouldn’t marry her if I knew how she really felt.
In the meantime since all of this started, I have not been good myself; I have been very sinful.I have not been able to make a confession to my priest, as he is out on sick leave. I know I should go to any local parrish for confession, but I really love this priest and he knows about the overall situation with the marriage.
I asked her about a month ago in she would like to try and reconcile. She told me I was the one with all the problems, demeaned my parenting, told me all my problems with the marriage were in my head, and that counseling wouldn’t work long term, so “no.”
The priest told me that if we both were totally committed & with a lot of intensive counseling, we could make a strong couple. But he said I seem to have too much scar tissue built up and that a divorce & annulment might be the best route. He couldn’t figure out why we got married and I can’t either. I think we were in love with the idea of marriage, not in-love with each other.
The overall theme in our marriage is for there to be peace, I have to shut-up and go along with her and put up with her demeaning attitude. The anger is still there; when we have arguements, the fist get clinched and she takes a threatening stance.
Sorry for the long post, just really needed to write this out.
After we married, I put own about 15-20 lbs over a 3 year period. I ended up weighing about 164lbs on a 5’8" frame; I admit I got very pudgy. She always pointed out how my belly “got in the way” during sex. I couldn’t drink a soda, eat chips, etc with out some snarking or demeaning comment from her. She likes to make snarky comments about my quirky personality traits, interests, etc.
When the baby was born, she lied about leaving her nice full-time state job to going back to coaching gymnastics. Her bait to get me to agree was that it would be a $400-$500 pay cut a month, but we wouldn’t have to put our daughter in daycare or use a babysitter regularly. She knew full well it was a part-time position and we still had to use a babysitter 4 days a week. When I finally faced the fact our marriage was in the toilet was when she started using our daughter as leverage to get what she wanted. Twice she told me she would leave me, travel to Texas where her family is, and make sure I never saw my daughter again.
I let things fester a couple of more months and finally told her the weekend after Easter that I had had enough. She said lets do counseling; I told her no since I had suggested it for the last 3 years and she said no (some mea culpa, I should have gone alone or really insisted). She told me the next day she wasn’t attracted to me, never really had been, she has never trusted me ever nor trusts anyone else on the face of the Earth.
She went on for a month and a half that things in our marriage were 90% her fault. Then one day, she denied ever having said that and told me everything was my fault and she had done no wrong. I’ve told her she has made me feel like nothing more than a sperm donor and a paycheck; she has not once denied it or tried to sway me otherwise from that train iof thought.
I have felt so decieved and lied to just so I would marry her. That has been her excuse about keeping a couple of things from me: she knew I wouldn’t marry her if I knew how she really felt.
In the meantime since all of this started, I have not been good myself; I have been very sinful.I have not been able to make a confession to my priest, as he is out on sick leave. I know I should go to any local parrish for confession, but I really love this priest and he knows about the overall situation with the marriage.
I asked her about a month ago in she would like to try and reconcile. She told me I was the one with all the problems, demeaned my parenting, told me all my problems with the marriage were in my head, and that counseling wouldn’t work long term, so “no.”
The priest told me that if we both were totally committed & with a lot of intensive counseling, we could make a strong couple. But he said I seem to have too much scar tissue built up and that a divorce & annulment might be the best route. He couldn’t figure out why we got married and I can’t either. I think we were in love with the idea of marriage, not in-love with each other.
The overall theme in our marriage is for there to be peace, I have to shut-up and go along with her and put up with her demeaning attitude. The anger is still there; when we have arguements, the fist get clinched and she takes a threatening stance.
Sorry for the long post, just really needed to write this out.
S
Samson01
Guest
Thanks for stepping up Wabrams. Sometimes just trying to keep the peace is difficult enough. This world is so against marriage that it seems impossible to keep one going. I’m in 21 years so far, with 4 kids. Most people on this site give advice with a couple years behind them, minus the up’s and down’s, the various trials, even touching times with our loved ones. All you can do is keep fighting the good fight and if they pave their way to hell, you did what you could to stop it.
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wabrams
Guest
I really don’t think she will go to hell for all of this: she was physically abused growing up (beatings from father), has ADHD & I think a touch of bi-polar. I really don’t think in the end she will be culpable. I worry more about me paving my own road to hell for this whole situation and the break-up of our marriage.
I’m also kinda an optimist: I would like to think we are given one last chance as we crossover from life to the afterlife to repent. Call me crazy, but I hope ppl like Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, etc. were given one last chance at repentence and are in heaven.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
How about an in-house separation, i.e. sleeping in separate rooms, to curb the abuse? And if that’s not enough, if the abuse doesn’t stop, a physical separation may be necessary. I don’t think that loving one’s spouse means tolerating abuse. That’s not a Catholic teaching.
S
Sanctifiable
Guest
Good sound advice
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EasterJoy
Guest
If anything, you are removing a near occasion of sin for her, and you may wake her up to the seriousness of her choices. While it is admirable when a victim bravely endures abuse from which he cannot escape in a Christian manner, as Maximilian Kolbe did, that does not mean Christians should not seek to avoid being abused. If you both thought (or think) the offending behavior could be ended and the marriage mended, that would be another matter, but it does not seem that way.
And I’m with you: I hope that the Lord wins every last one, whether our sins are big or small or infamous or hidden. No matter how bad we get, he thirsts for every soul, I’m sure. Surely no one is beyond his reach.
C
curtish1947
Guest
My edited, buy your original post, is short, and to the point. Each detail is important.
Now you said:
…The priest told me that if we both were totally committed & with a lot of intensive counseling, we could make a strong couple. But he said I seem to have too much scar tissue built up and that a divorce & annulment might be the best route. He couldn’t figure out why we got married and I can’t either. I think we were in love with the idea of marriage, not in-love with each other…
The priest is telling you that one of you is not committed and it is not you. He is trying to say that normal marriages never have these problems. Yours does. He also said too much scar tissue has developed, but, that is from what he is being told, what he sees, what he observes, read on please…
No person of that magnitude of deception and abuse, is capable of letting others know of the same truth that you know. If they did, her donor and paycheck would be gone. Everyone would come to your aid telling you, that if you do not leave then you are the problem also. They would also remember, warn others, and ask her to change.
A marriage is a contract. A legal contract. What does that mean?
Legal means it does not fit your’s or her’s opinion. It is spelled out and explained. The item, to cover first, is that the goods presented for the contract must be as delivered.
You cannot substitute inferior goods or services when you contract for specific goods and specific services. Did she after the marriage, act the way she did before? If not then you contracted for one set of goods, and she substituted another set of goods, not the contracturally agreed upon goods. That is illegal. That is actionable.
The action is the Church requires a civil divorce and then an application for annulment. That is why the priest said a divorce, and, an, annulment. He could have said, sign her up, lets get the annulment process going, but, it’s a divorce followed by an annulment. Not the other way around.
You contracted for life. She did not.
You contracted for mutual benefit. She contracted for her sole benefit, it sounds like.
…Then she told me she had always wanted someone she could control and had misjudged me as someone who she thought she could control…
Controlling another person is slavery. It is illegal. It too is actionable.
People with a condition called Personality Disorder and looking to control others. It is a seriouos condition.
Not only must contracts be for legal puposes only. All other contracts are not legal, let alone not binding. The Holy Roman Catholic Church sees marriage this way. That contractural basis for marriage is the only way, 7 men, who do not talk to each other about a case, review and decide if a marriage is annulable. They do it contracturally. They see if each person was capable, and every other legal point of the marriage contract such as having children. If one person could not perform, it had to be disclosed before the marriage, and the other partner would have to have agreed this is not a problem for THEIR marriage. She did not disclose. That makes it not a legally binding contract.
Legally competent is another legal point. Mentally, is she legally able to fulfil the terms of the contract. Cutting off penises is a little hard on the birthing of children, which is a fundamental part of most marriages. Wanting to control people is bizarre. It is the ability to have children that most people get married for. There are other legally binding exceptions. It is for mutual benefit, not the control and slavery of another, that is in a marriage contract. This person does not sound mentally capable to enter any marraige contract with you. She seems to have, too many mental or social issues.
She lies. You said:
… I have felt so decieved and lied to just so I would marry her. That has been her excuse about keeping a couple of things from me: she knew I wouldn’t marry her if I knew how she really felt…
too be continued:…
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curtish1947
Guest
continued:
Now son, that, and the next part are extremely serious. You are being abused. Look up www.verbalabuse.com/ It will help, but not as much as that is not her situation, it is merely the tool she is using to enslave you. Her threats are classic verbal abuse. Physical abuse, even attempted is actionable. Verbal is invisible to all but you and the one who is plotting to control you using that tool.
…Several occasions she threatened to cut off my penis if I ever cheated on her or left her; those threats stopped about 2 years into the marriage…
Stopped or not this is one of the severest forms of abuse. Reporting this to the police if you can prove it will help immensely.
This woman sounds like the classical text book description of a Narcissist.
If so, she has no remorse. She can and will do anything to others without guilt to get her way. She is brilliant,and can act and plot and mimic any demeanor to fool others into thinking she is wonderful, while you are the bad guy. They are soo good at this it actually works for years. For some people it lasts a life time.
There is a suport group online for victims of Personality Disorders.
My daughter’s mother is this way. My daughter has even had to cut off relations with her. The text book, said to try a few things or walk. She tried those things. They didn’t work.
By the way, my daughter’s mother was my wife. The daughter in question is genetically mine and hers, she is mine by every other measure. It was in finding out why my daughter had become like her dad, and not like her mom prompted this.
Her mother had accused her daughter of being mentally ill. When the daughter had the money and time, she took her mother up on this accusation. She went to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. The therapist says, yes, you have a severe problem. You are the victim of severe, not mild, parental abuse.
The sex of the parent who abused you is female. I asked how that was possible, as I could not ascertain any abuses I had ever witneseed like this. The study revealed she gives a different story to everyone, including a different story and image to me, than the image she presented to my daughter in private.
Don’t think she’ll change it is not possible.
The Bible and therefore God, says this is true in two ways.
In one instance He says " A leopard cannot change it’s spots." God can this is true, but the leopard cannot. If God says it, you might want to listen.
Also God says of an arrogant person “It is from bad parentage and it is not changeable.”
Most of these people are arrogant to you in secret, and to others also.
Now, a caution, do you own work Biblically. Look this up, and test it. I test everything, but, when I get the understanding right from the Bible, the information, works, all, of, the, time. The key is when I get the understanding right.
I tested the arrogant person idea out. I found no errors. They call this Narcissism in the non-Christian world.
…Curt…
Now son, that, and the next part are extremely serious. You are being abused. Look up www.verbalabuse.com/ It will help, but not as much as that is not her situation, it is merely the tool she is using to enslave you. Her threats are classic verbal abuse. Physical abuse, even attempted is actionable. Verbal is invisible to all but you and the one who is plotting to control you using that tool.
…Several occasions she threatened to cut off my penis if I ever cheated on her or left her; those threats stopped about 2 years into the marriage…
Stopped or not this is one of the severest forms of abuse. Reporting this to the police if you can prove it will help immensely.
This woman sounds like the classical text book description of a Narcissist.
If so, she has no remorse. She can and will do anything to others without guilt to get her way. She is brilliant,and can act and plot and mimic any demeanor to fool others into thinking she is wonderful, while you are the bad guy. They are soo good at this it actually works for years. For some people it lasts a life time.
There is a suport group online for victims of Personality Disorders.
My daughter’s mother is this way. My daughter has even had to cut off relations with her. The text book, said to try a few things or walk. She tried those things. They didn’t work.
By the way, my daughter’s mother was my wife. The daughter in question is genetically mine and hers, she is mine by every other measure. It was in finding out why my daughter had become like her dad, and not like her mom prompted this.
Her mother had accused her daughter of being mentally ill. When the daughter had the money and time, she took her mother up on this accusation. She went to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. The therapist says, yes, you have a severe problem. You are the victim of severe, not mild, parental abuse.
The sex of the parent who abused you is female. I asked how that was possible, as I could not ascertain any abuses I had ever witneseed like this. The study revealed she gives a different story to everyone, including a different story and image to me, than the image she presented to my daughter in private.
Don’t think she’ll change it is not possible.
The Bible and therefore God, says this is true in two ways.
In one instance He says " A leopard cannot change it’s spots." God can this is true, but the leopard cannot. If God says it, you might want to listen.
Also God says of an arrogant person “It is from bad parentage and it is not changeable.”
Most of these people are arrogant to you in secret, and to others also.
Now, a caution, do you own work Biblically. Look this up, and test it. I test everything, but, when I get the understanding right from the Bible, the information, works, all, of, the, time. The key is when I get the understanding right.
I tested the arrogant person idea out. I found no errors. They call this Narcissism in the non-Christian world.
…Curt…
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curtish1947
Guest
Oh.
Now that I have calmed down, I realize my post too is long. Sorry. I just lost it.
Curt
Now that I have calmed down, I realize my post too is long. Sorry. I just lost it.
Curt
H
Holly3278
Guest
I used to know a man who was once abused by his wife. Apparently they had an argument and he simply turned around and faced the computer and ignored her. She came up to him and clawed his arm all the way from his shoulder to his elbow. They finally ended up getting divorced.
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rtylka
Guest
That verbalabuse.com website was very informative and helpful. The descriptions of behavior of verbally abusive people fits my wife perfectly. And the short Violence Begets Violence article just made my jaw drop - the woman couldn’t take any more verbal abuse and hit her husband, so then he could constantly make the claim that SHE was an abuser. That fits my situation, since I struck out at my wife on two occasions just like that, as I indicated in my earlier post.
To update my situation, last night my wife told me that I disgust her, that she hasn’t loved me for years, that I am just a paycheck to her, that she hoped I would die before her so she could have some years of peace and happiness, and then she brought out everything she could think of from throughout our marriage to blame me for things and point out how I have been the cause of almost everything bad in her life and in our marriage. Her memory of things, of course, paints her as a suffering saint. I reacted with some tit-for-tat for a bit but then just stopped because it was obvious she would take no responsibility for her own words and actions. She just wanted me to be gone, immediately. I explained to her how it is much better for children for their parents to live together even if they fight all the time, and she told me that was nuts. She even had me ask our 3 older children individually if they would prefer the constant fighting and yelling or for us to live apart, and they said they’d prefer us to live together. Nevertheless, she wanted me gone. She had already talked to a lawyer, and it would be my fault if I didn’t leave and we incurred insurmountable financial expenses through an expensive divorce process.
So we have tentatively agreed (her plan completely, of course) for me to live at my parents’ house about 45 minutes away. We will stay married but for all intents and purposes be separated, and we will work out how to deal with time with the children. She has said that she wants to find a place to rent that she would go to, then I could have the house. I don’t believe it. She also said she wants to eventually get a dissolution. I think she’ll keep saying that but stay legally married in order to exert more control over me. So anyway, we told the children that I would be leaving because we can’t get along and I packed up some stuff. I stayed last night but will be going down to my parents’ house after work. And then she emailed me this afternoon that she wants my house key. I refused, so she said that she’s going to have the locks changed. I don’t know if that is legal, but I don’t care. I was amazed at the good feeling I had from just being able to defy that one demand of hers.
I have been praying constantly and I know that God has a plan and much greater good will come from this. My main concern is for my children. They have great faith and I have great hope for them, but I worry that I won’t be there for them now as much as I would like to be. Please pray for them.
To update my situation, last night my wife told me that I disgust her, that she hasn’t loved me for years, that I am just a paycheck to her, that she hoped I would die before her so she could have some years of peace and happiness, and then she brought out everything she could think of from throughout our marriage to blame me for things and point out how I have been the cause of almost everything bad in her life and in our marriage. Her memory of things, of course, paints her as a suffering saint. I reacted with some tit-for-tat for a bit but then just stopped because it was obvious she would take no responsibility for her own words and actions. She just wanted me to be gone, immediately. I explained to her how it is much better for children for their parents to live together even if they fight all the time, and she told me that was nuts. She even had me ask our 3 older children individually if they would prefer the constant fighting and yelling or for us to live apart, and they said they’d prefer us to live together. Nevertheless, she wanted me gone. She had already talked to a lawyer, and it would be my fault if I didn’t leave and we incurred insurmountable financial expenses through an expensive divorce process.
So we have tentatively agreed (her plan completely, of course) for me to live at my parents’ house about 45 minutes away. We will stay married but for all intents and purposes be separated, and we will work out how to deal with time with the children. She has said that she wants to find a place to rent that she would go to, then I could have the house. I don’t believe it. She also said she wants to eventually get a dissolution. I think she’ll keep saying that but stay legally married in order to exert more control over me. So anyway, we told the children that I would be leaving because we can’t get along and I packed up some stuff. I stayed last night but will be going down to my parents’ house after work. And then she emailed me this afternoon that she wants my house key. I refused, so she said that she’s going to have the locks changed. I don’t know if that is legal, but I don’t care. I was amazed at the good feeling I had from just being able to defy that one demand of hers.
I have been praying constantly and I know that God has a plan and much greater good will come from this. My main concern is for my children. They have great faith and I have great hope for them, but I worry that I won’t be there for them now as much as I would like to be. Please pray for them.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Your wife is not the kind of person I would leave my children alone with. Heaven only knows what she will feel free to say or do in their presence. It is damaging to them, though, to see or hear their father abused, whether physically or verbally, even if the verbal abuse is behind his back.
Find a family lawyer and get advice, before you lose your children. Realize that being with her could damage them, too. There is no reason for you to think that she will verbally abuse you and manipulate you, but not them. Trust in God, but row away from the rocks.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
DON’T MOVE OUT BEFORE YOU TALK TO A LAWYER!!!
I’m no lawyer, but according to what I know the law will treat you as someone who abandoned his spouse, or something like that. Then, your wife can use that thing, that you “abandoned her” (nevermind she was the one who pushed you out), to get all kinds of material benefits during the divorce. At least this is what happened to a friend of mine. He got a good job in another city, his wife allowed him to take the job on a temporal basis, but then she had an affair with another man, filed for divorce, and accused her husband of abandoning her, since he took that job elsewhere. Finally, she got as greedy as she could, she demanded that my friend totally give up any right and equity in their house, give her a big chunk of the retirement savings, etc. My friend complied with all demands, since he is too much of a gentleman to fight his wife who is the mother of his children. Thus, my friend lost everything, and the ex-wife kept the house, all that was in it, took most of his retirement savings, and even played the theater of she being the poor abandoned spouse.
Again, I’m not a lawyer, and I only have this anecdotal evidence, but on the basis of what I know you better talk to a lawyer before you move out.
R
Roger1
Guest
Sam,What do you do about it? There doesn’t seem to be much support.
You wife may vary well have Boardeline Personality Disorder. Please read my threads from a couple of months ago and see what you think.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=450269
bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm
“Borderline Personality Disorder is a relatively recent addition to the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Accordingly, the majority of practicing mental health professionals graduating prior to 2000 have not been trained on the diagnosis and the treatment of this complex disorder as part of their professional curriculum.”
There are 1-2hr. questionnaires that the Professionals use to determine if someone is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
Here are some of the symptoms;
Mother In Law used a lot of shame to raise my wife and her siblings:
“Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships.”
“Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given.”
“Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.”
“Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.”
“Mothers with BPD, for instance, are characteristically volatile and have difficulty controlling intense, inappropriate anger that is often precipitated by environmental changes and/or intense abandonment fears. Their strong outbursts of anger can be detrimental to the developing child, and many children of mothers with BPD are victims of verbal and/or physical abuse. Suggest that “a mother’s hostility, rage, and destructive behavior may be disguised as love, making it difficult for a child to trust his or her own perceptions of reality.”
“Being mean, cruel, or cold-hearted; verbally, relationally, or physically abusive; humiliating and demeaning of others; willingly and willfully engaging in acts of violence against persons and objects; active and open belligerence or vengefulness; using dominance and intimidation to control others.”
“a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.”
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthrea…oz#post6554190
Read page 5 of the Thread above.
R
rickpassio
Guest
I have found much comfort in reading this thread. I have been wondering if I have made the right decision in moving out of my house after 33+ years of marriage.
My actions are the result of many months of serious contemplation and discussion with some of my children. You see, my particular situation started almost one month into my marriage. In my wifes defense, we both married very young, I was 19 and she 16. No we did not have to marry, we just wanted to. Obviously, neither of us understood what we were getting into and it became apparent very soon that there was trouble on the horizon.
Before the first month was out, we started to argue over things that just were not very important to me, so I would always give in. This started a pattern of her getting her way by insisting that if I did not agree, I was somehow less of a ideal husband. I was less than an ideal husband but not for lack of desiring to be. The compliants and negativity grew as time went on and I started to keep things from her in order to not to hear the humiliating comments. This of course lead to even worse problems. I did not handle the situation right back then and I have been paying for it ever since. The pattern always remains the same. Things seem to be going good and then the negativity becomes overbearing and I go into hiding, as it were. Sometimes she would get so mad at me that she would become violent. However, I have always maintained the right to defend myself from that sort of abuse and finally after one time she drew a knife, she saw in my eyes that she better never do it again.
I have appeased and appeased and allowed myself to be humiliated beyond what any reasonable person should take. Having eight children can make you put up with much more than you ever thought you could.
It does not matter what aspect of life, I am always wrong, I do it wrong, I say it wrong, I live it wrong. I even drive wrong! According to my wife, I am the biggest hippocrite to ever walk. We are the prototype catholic family to all outsiders. And that was a huge hurdle for me to jump when considering leaving. But it really got to the point of no choice. She told me that if I did not like the present situation, I should go. She had told me to leave many times before so I guess she did not expect I would really do it.
She is now frantic. She is concerned that I will not support her, even though I have promised I would support her till the day I or she dies. I told her that the fact that she raised and homeschooled all of our children through all their school years and never went out to work, she had earned my support no matter what. Even that was the wrong thing to say. I should only support her because its her right to be supported by me, period.
I took this action in the hopes of waking her up to the problems that she is responsible for.
Until she sees her role in our problems, there is nothing I can do. I told her that I will not see my dignity stepped on any longer. While I may have done things that are wrong throughout my life, I have admitted them and asked for forgiveness. But I am still a person worthy of respect and I am finally demanding it. I would seriously suggest that anyone encountering similar problems that they begin to respect themselves as persons created in the image and likeness of God.
I ask anyone reading this for their prayers that my wife and I have a complete reconciliation and that we finish our lifes together as we promised we would so many years ago.
My actions are the result of many months of serious contemplation and discussion with some of my children. You see, my particular situation started almost one month into my marriage. In my wifes defense, we both married very young, I was 19 and she 16. No we did not have to marry, we just wanted to. Obviously, neither of us understood what we were getting into and it became apparent very soon that there was trouble on the horizon.
Before the first month was out, we started to argue over things that just were not very important to me, so I would always give in. This started a pattern of her getting her way by insisting that if I did not agree, I was somehow less of a ideal husband. I was less than an ideal husband but not for lack of desiring to be. The compliants and negativity grew as time went on and I started to keep things from her in order to not to hear the humiliating comments. This of course lead to even worse problems. I did not handle the situation right back then and I have been paying for it ever since. The pattern always remains the same. Things seem to be going good and then the negativity becomes overbearing and I go into hiding, as it were. Sometimes she would get so mad at me that she would become violent. However, I have always maintained the right to defend myself from that sort of abuse and finally after one time she drew a knife, she saw in my eyes that she better never do it again.
I have appeased and appeased and allowed myself to be humiliated beyond what any reasonable person should take. Having eight children can make you put up with much more than you ever thought you could.
It does not matter what aspect of life, I am always wrong, I do it wrong, I say it wrong, I live it wrong. I even drive wrong! According to my wife, I am the biggest hippocrite to ever walk. We are the prototype catholic family to all outsiders. And that was a huge hurdle for me to jump when considering leaving. But it really got to the point of no choice. She told me that if I did not like the present situation, I should go. She had told me to leave many times before so I guess she did not expect I would really do it.
She is now frantic. She is concerned that I will not support her, even though I have promised I would support her till the day I or she dies. I told her that the fact that she raised and homeschooled all of our children through all their school years and never went out to work, she had earned my support no matter what. Even that was the wrong thing to say. I should only support her because its her right to be supported by me, period.
I took this action in the hopes of waking her up to the problems that she is responsible for.
Until she sees her role in our problems, there is nothing I can do. I told her that I will not see my dignity stepped on any longer. While I may have done things that are wrong throughout my life, I have admitted them and asked for forgiveness. But I am still a person worthy of respect and I am finally demanding it. I would seriously suggest that anyone encountering similar problems that they begin to respect themselves as persons created in the image and likeness of God.
I ask anyone reading this for their prayers that my wife and I have a complete reconciliation and that we finish our lifes together as we promised we would so many years ago.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
Rick, your post reminded me of a true story that happened in a certain city I won’t name for the sake of confidentiality. In that city, the police alerted one evening the ER of the local Clinics that they should get prepared because there was a brawl at one of the night clubs, and some of the victims got knived. Then, the doctors waited, and waited, and the ambulances didn’t show up. Finally, after much waiting, a lone ambulance showed up, bringing… …the director of the Clinics. He got knived. Not at the night club. At home. By his own wife.
The story is usually told emphasizing the humorous side of it, but as I think about it, it’s not funny at all, really. I don’t really know, is it easy or is it difficult for a woman to seriously hurt her husband, using a knife. And there are also other ways to hurt even a strong man. Some time ago, a wife deliberately ran over and killed her husband, with her car. Once the psychological barrier is breached, and another person raises a hand, or a knife, to hurt you, you are in an extremely dangerous situation, you are no longer safe. And your wife needs to subject herself to anger management therapy, or if she refuses, she should be legally forced to do so. What’s next? Will she raise a knife on her children?
You and your family are in my prayers.
The story is usually told emphasizing the humorous side of it, but as I think about it, it’s not funny at all, really. I don’t really know, is it easy or is it difficult for a woman to seriously hurt her husband, using a knife. And there are also other ways to hurt even a strong man. Some time ago, a wife deliberately ran over and killed her husband, with her car. Once the psychological barrier is breached, and another person raises a hand, or a knife, to hurt you, you are in an extremely dangerous situation, you are no longer safe. And your wife needs to subject herself to anger management therapy, or if she refuses, she should be legally forced to do so. What’s next? Will she raise a knife on her children?
You and your family are in my prayers.
A
aicirt
Guest
For those who have and are living with abuse, what would you tell young men to watch for when dating. I realize that all are on their best behavior, but there might have been signs you did see and may have decided to ignore thinking things would get better.
Speaking as a mother of sons, I, and others like me, have observed there is a considerable effort exerted by some women to keep their new husbands away from their families. I’m well aware that one of the signs of abuse with women is when a man erodes the wife’s support system keeping her dependent upon him to the point where she is cut off from her family and her former friends. Have you observed similiar tactics in your situations? Did your friends or family try and warn you?
I’ve looked back into my own family history and am aware of some very controlling women whose actions have effected generations. It is very sad.
Know of a beautiful, intelligent woman who is a total shrew. It is awful to observe. The husband is aware but, because of the children, is fearful of making a move. Personally, I think she is depressed and should be on meds. However, because nothing is ever her fault but always his, that will not happen.
Speaking as a mother of sons, I, and others like me, have observed there is a considerable effort exerted by some women to keep their new husbands away from their families. I’m well aware that one of the signs of abuse with women is when a man erodes the wife’s support system keeping her dependent upon him to the point where she is cut off from her family and her former friends. Have you observed similiar tactics in your situations? Did your friends or family try and warn you?
I’ve looked back into my own family history and am aware of some very controlling women whose actions have effected generations. It is very sad.
Know of a beautiful, intelligent woman who is a total shrew. It is awful to observe. The husband is aware but, because of the children, is fearful of making a move. Personally, I think she is depressed and should be on meds. However, because nothing is ever her fault but always his, that will not happen.
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