Adultery 2

[pianistclare]

I was actually thinking that it might be wise for the OP not to tell, but the problem is that (provided this is truthful in the first place) this couple is really good friends with the other couple, and if they were just dropped, some kind of explanation would have to be provided to the wife.

If it was a stranger or someone the wife never saw, I would not necessarily advise the OP to tell - but to go no contact, get tested for STDs, and recommit himself to his wife. If my husband had an affair with a stranger, but repented and wanted to make it right, I honestly think that’s what I would want. Telling, when not necessary, can be just putting an extra burden on the wronged spouse.

But if my husband said, “Hey, we need to drop from this and this and this activity and can’t invite John and Cindy to come over anymore,” you bet I’d be suspicious as to why, and I wouldn’t want him to lie.

You said it better than I did. Thanks.

 

[nodito]

It’s common on these boards, and in real life, for an adulterous spouse to be advised not to tell the innocent spouse. Usually this is because telling serves mostly to lighten the guilt of the guilty spouse. OP, if your confessor knows the full story (multiple affairs and that this woman is a continuous presence in your life), then I would follow his advice.

My advice for you is:

1. Get yourself tested for STDs asap and do not sleep with your wife until you get a clean bill of health.
2. Next time you see this woman tell her clearly in no uncertain terms: “We’re not sleeping together anymore, and I want you to stay away from my house. If my wife invites you over, find some reason to decline.”
3. Then stop spending time with this woman. If your families are going out together, make an excuse not to join them. Stop talking and communicating with her.
4. Keep going to confession.
5. Any time you start to think about this woman, immedietly say a Hail Mary prayer for her marriage, that it be strengthened and that she learns to love her husband. Keep saying Hail Marys for purity and for her marriage until the temptation passes.
6. Double your efforts to strengthen your own marriage. Take your wife to dinner and the movies. Give her little gifts. Write her sweet notes and leave them around the house. Find something to compliment her on every day. Pick a chore she hates and do it for her without complaint every day. God for a walk after dinner and hold her hand. Pray for her often. And genuinely thank God for the gift he has given you in your wife. She is the mother of your child and the woman you will grow old with. Learn to love her, even when she is not as affectionate as you’d like. Then do these things every day for the rest of your life.

 

[allycat10]

Exactly.

In order for this to work, you need to establish NO CONTACT with this woman. Meaning no talking, no visiting, no contact in anyway.

How is that going to be achieved when it’s your wife’s best friend? How would she feel if she found out this was going on behind her back and you did nothing to come clean with her and she continued the friendship.

Your wife NEEDS TO KNOW. Otherwise she will be living an awful lie that will hurt her more in the long run and she will never be able to heal.

All you will be doing is continuing the lie and pretending like nothing happened. That is NO way to live your life and it’s certainly not fair to your wife to live that way for you benefit.

You also need to resign as an EHMC.

I agree with everything on this post, especially what I have bolded. It’s time to come clean to your wife and let her decide what to do about you and her so called, best friend. Indeed this will create enormous amount suffering for her so be prepared that she will pull away even more from you. In telling her and dealing with the consequences that come from that, will be a true taking full responsibility for your actions. It may even help you avoid the lustful thoughts and giving into further temptations with this other woman while you deal with the pain it has caused your wife and you. If you continue going on like nothing is happening, well, you will continue in your sin. Time to face the music.

Keep going to confession but maybe find another priest. It doesn’t sound good that this priest would encourage you not to tell your wife. Keep praying and offer your sorrows for your temptations and actions on them, up to God.

 

[Irishmom2]

I suppose when I said “circumstances” I really meant that I was not sure I believed that the OP was honest with the priest or that he is being honest with us with the priest’s response. I have no way of knowing what he told him, but I am having a hard time believing that the priest said not to tell her, and stay on as a EHMC. The OPs honesty and character are called into question due to his behavior. As I said before, I don’t know what happened in the other thread, I am just saying what I feel about this one.

 

[Havard]

Well, for the record, I don’t think I’ve ever suggested that these things be kept a secret.
But I have doubted things that were ascribed to a Catholic priest.
I find most priests are pretty clear on what to do, and seldom advance ignoring things. They generally are into healing, not sweeping problems under the rug.
I know this from experience. My sister divorced and remarried a non-Catholic by a civil judge. She claims she asked a priest if she could take communion. He said yes.
She failed to tell him she remarried outside of the church. Of course he said yes. He didn’t know the facts. He thought her husband had left her. She loved the response because it suited her, and she waved it in my mother’s face when she became concerned. Mama ended up believing that if the priest gave her bad advice, it was on him.
My feeling was He didn’t give bad advice. He just didn’t have the whole story.

Perhaps the priest doesn’t know the whole story in this OP’s case, but as nodito pointed out, per the many CAF threads on adultery, it appears to be common for priests to advise not telling the spouse. I have no personal experience in this, though, it is still possible that it’s not standard advice.

 

[whm]

Wife doesnt know about adultery.

I dont think she should know. Ok, i need punishing but does she? No as she is innocent in all this. I take full responsibility!

What happens when the friend tells her?

Btw it is very disturbing to read you saying how sexy your adulteress is (with !!! no less). Clearly you need some help. You are not over this making such statements.

I don’t know what you told your priest, but there is a difference between digging up a past affair and one that is ongoing. It is absurd to think you should hide an ongoing affair from your wife. Not telling her to spare her feelings while continuing the affair makes no sense whatsoever. How is that protecting her?

 

[Irishmom2]

1. Next time you see this woman tell her clearly in no uncertain terms: “We’re not sleeping together anymore, and I want you to stay away from my house. If my wife invites you over, find some reason to decline.”
2. Then stop spending time with this woman. If your families are going out together, make an excuse not to join them. Stop talking and communicating with her.

.

So, in 2) the cheating friend should lie to cover their affair and in 3) the cheating husband should continue to lie to his wife and family?

That’s the thing about telling the truth, you don’t have to worry about keeping your stories straight.

 

[nodito]

So, in 2) the cheating friend should lie to cover their affair and in 3) the cheating husband should continue to lie to his wife and family?

That’s the thing about telling the truth, you don’t have to worry about keeping your stories straight.

Where did I advise either of them to lie? To make an excuse could be as simple as saying, “Oh I can’t come over today.” And that’s the truth. She can’t come over because the husband has asked her not to.

I see a clear difference between inventing lies “I was at the, uh, baker’s, no um, bucther’s” and keeping something from a spouse that one’s confessor has said the spouse does not need to know.

I myself am skeeved out by the fact that the husband is sleeping with the wife’s close friend, and that it’s ongoing. But if the confessor knows this, then the OP should be encouraged to follow his advice.

 

[Kelfa28]

So, in 2) the cheating friend should lie to cover their affair and in 3) the cheating husband should continue to lie to his wife and family?

That’s the thing about telling the truth, you don’t have to worry about keeping your stories straight.

I agree.

Lies by omission are still lies.

This is why it floors me so much that people, especially on this site, advocate that the cheater never reveal adultery to the spouse.

So if he starts attending individual consoling he can’t tell his wife why?
If they go to marriage consoling he has to keep the adultery a secret?

I can tell if there is something wrong or bothering my husband. If she asks him what is wrong should he lie and say “nothing”?

 

[nodito]

This is why it floors me so much that people, especially on this site, advocate that the cheater never reveal adultery to the spouse.

I don’t advocate this. I advocate following the advice of one’s confessor, when that priest has all the pertinent information.

 

[Convert_in_99]

This reminds me of a cheap grocery store romance novel!

Marriage problems never resolve themselves online.

C’mon people! We aren’t marriage therapists. We do no good by posting comments as they certainly aren’t going to help this situation. We can say something’s wrong a thousand times over, but we can’t force the change. We are doing a disservice to all involved by continuing this circular argument.

The OP is catholic and knows what is required of him. He’s not ignorant as he may seem. He’s got the tools to fix this, let’s not coddle him anymore. He is refusing to do what is right, and the only way out is for him to be a man for once, follow his conscience and not his base animal urges. That’s that. Nothing more we can say or do. We do him and his wife and all involved a disservice by continuing discussion of what really none of our beeswax! :twocents:

 

[nodito]

… of what really none of our beeswax! :twocents:

Hmm, couldn’t that be said of almost all threads in this forum?

 

[whm]

I don’t advocate this. I advocate following the advice of one’s confessor, when that priest has all the pertinent information.

Not if that priest’s advice is immoral. What if the priest told him its okay to use birth control? Or not to report sexual abuse? Besides we don’t even know what the priest said, this guy maybe relaying what he wants to hear. The priest could have made a general statement that it is not always prudent to inform the spouse and this guy ran with that one statement. My guess is the priest is not requiring that he inform is wife rather than instructing him not to inform his wife.

 

[Irishmom2]

The OP is catholic and knows what is required of him. He’s not ignorant as he may seem. He’s got the tools to fix this, let’s not coddle him anymore. He is refusing to do what is right, and the only way out is for him to be a man for once, follow his conscious and not his base animal urges. That’s that. Nothing more we can say or do. We do him and his wife and all involved a disservice by continuing discussion of what really none of our beeswax! :twocents:

The OP posted his business for discussion.

Actually, the OP posted his “sister’s” business back in December. Which, wow! is identical to his situation! He even posted on another thread that he has been to confession a lot between December and Lent. I said it back then that I believe he was writing about himself in December, he was too invested in it. And wow! Now he has the same situation as his sister!

You are right, it is like a dime store or grocery store novel.

But, not as ignorant as he may seem? Maybe you are giving him too much credit.

Perhaps his wife sees what is going on as well.

 

[EasterJoy]

I feel awful!!!

As some of you may know, my twin sister had an affair which lasted around 5 months. She has gotten over it after a lot of heartache and is now on the right track to God.

Well, i cannot believe that i have just suffered the same fate!!!

I fell for a dear friend of mine, and the wifes! We got close and i committed adultery with her!! Oh my God!! I cannot believe what i have gone and done!

The wife and I have drifted apart over many years. We have a lovely child (Under 10). We fell out of love and respect and closeness. This ‘woman’ was the same. Several children, loveless marriage. We got to be very close friends. Good pals. Good to talk to.

Well, one day we just had a passionate embrace and next min we are in bed!!!

This has happened on several occasions over Lent etc!!! Sex, confession, sex, confession, sex confession!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Last time was last night. She is best friends with my wife. She stayed with us. I asked her into spare bedroom. We made love. I got up this morning and i want to die!!! This has to stop. After all the advice i gave my sister i am now in the depths of hell myself!

I love God. I am an EHMC. My priest has told me to carry on being an EHMC. He told me i must forget this woman. To sin no more.

People, it is lust. Pure and simple. Lust!!! I just want her when i see her. I know this is so wrong! I do love my wife. But we have grown so so far apart!!

I wish i could forget this woman but she is my wifes best friend, and her daughter and my daughter as super best friends!!! Only today we all went out for the day together!!

Her husband is very selfish and she wants to leave him.

I have known her for a long time but only recently we got close.

How do i deal with the lust? She is sooooooooooooo good looking, so sexy!!!

I want to take her from my mind. I wish i was blind so that i never saw her again!!!

I have talked to my priest. He was very understanding and superb. I am lost. Need God. I need my faith. I need my wife and daughter.

Closeness has not been in my marriage for many many years!! I am not talking sex. I am talking huggs, kisses, talking etc.

My wife is now trying. I am too.

How do i stop lust!!! Sexual urges!! Wanting this other woman!!!

I need God so much!!!

It is time for some soul-searching, friend.

Handling this on your own has not worked. You have proven unreliable in the work of fidelity, in the work of saying “no” to a lustful desire. It is not the temptation that is the sin. It is the cooperation with the lustful thoughts, the entertaining of the desire. You stop desiring her not by hoping helplessly that your desire for a woman other than your wife will go away by itself but by actively and repeatedly telling yourself “she is not mine, I may not have her, and it is a sin to even covet her, let alone to take her for myself.” You have instead lulled yourself into a continuing belief that you can withstand near occasions of sin when you have proven repeatedly that you cannot.

You are falling for every trick of the evil one. It is not my intention to shame you. It is my intention to wake you up and remind you the voice telling you that you cannot help what you think about is lying to you. You are being actively deceived.

You have proven that sparing your wife involvement in your reclamation is not a realistic course of action. If you intend to save your marriage, you have little choice left but to call her in for her help. That is your goal, right–to save your marriage? If not your marriage, then at least your soul. That is work that she signed up for, too, for better or worse, whether “worse” comes by her fault or yours. You are to help each other to Heaven, friend. You need her help. Do not be too proud or too fearful to ask for it.

Contact your parish priest, explain the situation, and arrange to tell your wife with your pastor present. If he counsels you not to tell her, then at least you and he can meet with her later and he can explain to her why he told you to spare her involvement in this. In this way, she can have some assurance that you did not withhold this information out of self-interest. You need to have this conversation with him outside the confessional, however, as he is bound by the seal of the confession not to divulge what you tell him within the sacrament itself.

Go talk to him and lay out a plan to save your marriage. Do not delay one hour longer than necessary, because you will be laying the foundation that may be the difference between your wife leaving and taking your child with her and staying and falling in love with you all over again. That, friend, needs to be your goal.

**Do you really believe your wife has no need to love or be loved? **Think again. There is not one of us who does not need to love or be loved. It is your responsibility as a husband to love your wife and to see to it that she also honors her promise before God to love you–not for as long as you mutually agree to love, but until one of you dies. That is the work that is to make you into saints. Try out the book Five Love Languages, because it may be that what you and she are referring to when you talk about “love” is not the love she needs to give and receive.]

 

[Convert_in_99]

Hmm, couldn’t that be said of almost all threads in this forum?

Yes and unless there is a legitimate question…like “do we need a dispensation to marry a Muslim?” Or "is foreplay allowed during the marriage embrace"etc…then they shouldn’t be posting IMHO! These forums are far FAR from private. A counselor or a priest are bound to protect privacy. I’m sure this guys wife won’t want to accidentally discover her husband’s affair is posted in cyberspace for everyone to see and comment on. We should respect the privacy of all involved, after all we’d want the same for us if it were our marriage!

Forums have their benefits, this is NOT one of them.

 

[nodito]

Not if that priest’s advice is immoral. What if the priest told him its okay to use birth control? Or not to report sexual abuse?

I’m working under the assumption that the priest is not advising someone to commit a sin in the confessional. Obviously, if that happened, the person would have an obligation to reject the advice.

Besides we don’t even know what the priest said, this guy maybe relaying what he wants to hear. The priest could have made a general statement that it is not always prudent to inform the spouse and this guy ran with that one statement. My guess is the priest is not requiring that he inform is wife rather than instructing him not to inform his wife.

That’s true. He said himself that the priest told him that his wife “does not need to know,” but I interpreted that as the priest advising him not to. And if that’s the case, it’s legitimate advice if the priest has all the relevant information about the situation (frequent affairs, wife’s friend who is ongoing presence in their lives, ongoing temptation, etc). It’s not sinful to not reveal a past sin to a spouse, though I agree it’s much different if the affair is ongoing.

 

[nodito]

Contact your parish priest, explain the situation, and arrange to tell your wife with your pastor present. If he counsels you not to tell her, then at least you and he can meet with her later and he can explain to her why he told you to spare her involvement in this. In this way, she can have some assurance that you did not withhold this information out of self-interest. You need to have this conversation with him outside the confessional, however, as he is bound by the seal of the confession not to divulge what you tell him within the sacrament itself.

This is good advice.

 

[nodito]

Yes and unless there is a legitimate question…like “do we need a dispensation to marry a Muslim?” Or "is foreplay allowed during the marriage embrace"etc…then they shouldn’t be posting IMHO! These forums are far FAR from private. A counselor or a priest are bound to protect privacy. I’m sure this guys wife won’t want to accidentally discover her husband’s affair is posted in cyberspace for everyone to see and comment on. We should respect the privacy of all involved, after all we’d want the same for us if it were our marriage!

Forums have their benefits, this is NOT one of them.

Interesting take. I disagree with you, because I think these forums are mostly anonymous, and if the wife discovered her husband discussing it online, I think she might be pleased to see the number of posters urging her husband to do right by her.

But to each her own, I guess. I’ll continue posting on these types of threads, and you can avoid them. Peace.

 

[whm]

That’s true. He said himself that the priest told him that his wife “does not need to know,” but I interpreted that as the priest advising him not to. And if that’s the case, it’s legitimate advice if the priest has all the relevant information about the situation (frequent affairs, wife’s friend who is ongoing presence in their lives, ongoing temptation, etc). It’s not sinful to not reveal a past sin to a spouse, though I agree it’s much different if the affair is ongoing.

The OP should print out his post and give it to the priest. Note the last time was last night, presumably after the last time he confessed to his priest. It is definitely ongoing. The priest also told him to break of the relation and stay away from her, he instead had her spend the night and cheated again:shrug: