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Havard
Guest
I agree with all of the above whm/nodito dialogue in that confessional advice may depend on the details, so no pertinent detail should be ommitted.
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KD8TZC
Guest
This… very well said.
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EasterJoy
Guest
I agree that printing out what he wrote might help him to tell his pastor everything he ought to be told before he is asked for advice. Garbage in, garbage out–the pastor cannot give reliable or prudent guidance where he is not given a sufficiently full and correct history of the problem. That doesn’t require all the “gory details,” but it does require all the pertinent details.
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Mayita30
Guest
the bible says
If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.
You should be cutting out something from your life and definitely , it is not your wife… You should be firm and tell your wife that there should be no friendship with this couple who are also spiritually troubled… This woman is not your wife’s best friend… A best friend will never do that behind your back !!! You are being seduced by a woman… Use your head…tell your wife you do not want anything to do with this couple and that you would want to save your marriage…you do not have to tell her about your adultery. Just do everything to save your marriage by cutting out what will soon cause your marriage to crumble.
If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.
You should be cutting out something from your life and definitely , it is not your wife… You should be firm and tell your wife that there should be no friendship with this couple who are also spiritually troubled… This woman is not your wife’s best friend… A best friend will never do that behind your back !!! You are being seduced by a woman… Use your head…tell your wife you do not want anything to do with this couple and that you would want to save your marriage…you do not have to tell her about your adultery. Just do everything to save your marriage by cutting out what will soon cause your marriage to crumble.
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Isca
Guest
You’re both adults, you can control your actions if you want to. I notice that you have not said that you are madly in love with this woman, but that the attraction is largely physical.
It’s really awful to be unfaithful to your wife in your family home. It almost sounds like you want to be found out. And she’s also a rotten friend, to do this to someone whom she’s been close to for years.
The decision is yours, of course. You either break it off and avoid the woman as much as possible, or you continue on this path. Either way, I expect your wife will find out something eventually, whether or not you tell her yourself. Hope things work out for all of you, I feel sorry for your wife in all of this.
It’s really awful to be unfaithful to your wife in your family home. It almost sounds like you want to be found out. And she’s also a rotten friend, to do this to someone whom she’s been close to for years.
The decision is yours, of course. You either break it off and avoid the woman as much as possible, or you continue on this path. Either way, I expect your wife will find out something eventually, whether or not you tell her yourself. Hope things work out for all of you, I feel sorry for your wife in all of this.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
I agree. Fortunately most of the situations that are posted on this forum can safely be filed under, “things that never happened.” So at the very least it isn’t real people being discussed and there aren’t any real lives on the line. Otherwise I would be a little more concerned.Yes and unless there is a legitimate question…like “do we need a dispensation to marry a Muslim?” Or "is foreplay allowed during the marriage embrace"etc…then they shouldn’t be posting IMHO! These forums are far FAR from private. A counselor or a priest are bound to protect privacy. I’m sure this guys wife won’t want to accidentally discover her husband’s affair is posted in cyberspace for everyone to see and comment on. We should respect the privacy of all involved, after all we’d want the same for us if it were our marriage!
Forums have their benefits, this is NOT one of them.
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PaulfromIowa
Guest
OP, you need family counseling by a good counselor. Your wife may need to break off her relationship with this woman. She is not your wife’s friend. Therefore, your wife may need to know. In fact, she may already know or suspect. You are playing with fire here, that can destroy many lives. Get professional counseling ASAP.
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Lou2U
Guest
In my opinion, you need to:
- Break it off with this other woman. Whether you tell your wife about the affair or not is your prerogative, but you need to stop seeing her. You also need to tell her that you will not be leaving your wife for her, even if she does leave her husband.
- Tell your wife you want to work on your marriage, and that you are willing to try anything: Retrouvaille, counselling, anything.
- Stop focusing on the negatives of your marriage. Stop thinking about how you have drifted apart from your wife and think about how lucky you are to have her.
How do you stop lust? Every time you think of this woman, do something. Pray, do a crossword, play with your daughter. Do something that will keep your mind occupied.
Lou
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whm
Guest
Yes and their respective daughters who are best of friends
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Beryllos
Guest
Wow! Very active thread. I didn’t read every post (not yet), but I just wanted to say (& I apologize if I repeat someone else’s post):
You wrote that you don’t wish to tell your wife.
You can’t really conceal something like this. By “can’t,” I don’t mean “shouldn’t” or “it’s ill advised.” I mean it won’t work. Even if the details don’t come out, non-verbal behavior (posture, facial expression, tone of voice, things you don’t say or do, …) will tell your wife and your child that there is a big, bad secret, and it will poison your family relationships.
It’s better for everyone if you confess to your wife. I can’t say how to do that, but do not put it off too long. You can figure out how.
I am praying for you, your wife, your child, and the other woman and her family.
You wrote that you don’t wish to tell your wife.
You can’t really conceal something like this. By “can’t,” I don’t mean “shouldn’t” or “it’s ill advised.” I mean it won’t work. Even if the details don’t come out, non-verbal behavior (posture, facial expression, tone of voice, things you don’t say or do, …) will tell your wife and your child that there is a big, bad secret, and it will poison your family relationships.
It’s better for everyone if you confess to your wife. I can’t say how to do that, but do not put it off too long. You can figure out how.
I am praying for you, your wife, your child, and the other woman and her family.
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BLP
Guest
You should not tell your wife. Listen to everything your priest tells you to do and do it. Avoid this woman at all cost. Avoid looking at her and being around her. Think, “Is it worth me going to hell over?” NO!!!
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OurLadysServant
Guest
Just.say no. It will not kill you to stay chaste.
Tell her you never want to see her again. And that she is never to go to your house. Text it to her. Be very serious. Tell her what the Church teaches on this, for the good of her own soul, and what harm it.could do to your family. Make her back off forever.
Delete her number off your phone right afterwards. And from any phone book. Never stay in the same area as her.
Never speak to her again.
Pray against spirits of revenge. The devil may be.tempting you the way he tempted your sister, in revenge.
Heaven or.Hell are your choices.
God.or satan.
You are damning her soul also by adultery.
Keep confessing.
You need to pray 10 -30mins.each day meaning each word.to have.God’s victory.
You need to hate this sin and STOP looking at the advantages and false pleasures of it.
Only look at all its disadvantages from now on. Temporal and eternal.
List them.
Keep telling yourself, “I don’t want to burn in hell forever. Its not worth it.” “I love Jesus more.”
Tell her you never want to see her again. And that she is never to go to your house. Text it to her. Be very serious. Tell her what the Church teaches on this, for the good of her own soul, and what harm it.could do to your family. Make her back off forever.
Delete her number off your phone right afterwards. And from any phone book. Never stay in the same area as her.
Never speak to her again.
Pray against spirits of revenge. The devil may be.tempting you the way he tempted your sister, in revenge.
Heaven or.Hell are your choices.
God.or satan.
You are damning her soul also by adultery.
Keep confessing.
You need to pray 10 -30mins.each day meaning each word.to have.God’s victory.
You need to hate this sin and STOP looking at the advantages and false pleasures of it.
Only look at all its disadvantages from now on. Temporal and eternal.
List them.
Keep telling yourself, “I don’t want to burn in hell forever. Its not worth it.” “I love Jesus more.”
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josie_L
Guest
I quite agree with this
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Maine52
Guest
This post makes me sick to my stomach. You’re not sorry in the least. If you were, you would have stopped the adultery by now. Saying it’s “all my fault, my wife is innocent” doesn’t make it right. True repentance means you go and sin no more. When you are truly ready to STOP committing this sin, then you can go to Confession, make a TRUE Act of Contrition, and be absolved. Right now, it’s just, “I’ll have my fun and then go be absolved.” It don’t work that way, pal. :nope:
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EasterJoy
Guest
Does the OP say “have my fun and then go be absolved”? No. He said no such thing. He said, “Sex, confession, sex, confession, sex confession!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”
What does St. Paul say?
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am carnal, sold into slavery to sin. What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I concur that the law is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that good does not dwell in me, that is, in my flesh. The willing is ready at hand, but doing the good is not. For I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want. Now if (I) do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. So, then, I discover the principle that when I want to do right, evil is at hand. For I take delight in the law of God, in my inner self, but I see in my members another principle at war with the law of my mind, taking me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Miserable one that I am! Who will deliver me from this mortal body? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Therefore, I myself, with my mind, serve the law of God but, with my flesh, the law of sin. Rom. 7:14-25
Obviously, it takes more than will power to resist sin. The OP needs to find other avenues to avoid the near occasion of sin. He probably needs to take his wife to his pastor and tell her. Then they can work on this together. Shielding her from his infidelities is not working.
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EasterJoy
Guest
The woman is the wife’s best friend–and their daughters are best friends, too, is that right? In any event, he cannot just cut this off without anyone noticing. He’s almost certainly going to have to tell his wife.
OTOH, it may turn out to be enough to tell the woman, “If I ever so much as touch you again, I have promised my confessor I will tell Sally everything.” Having that hanging over their heads may give them more incentive to avoid near occasions of sin. I would definitely make certain with his pastor that his pastor will vouch for him that he was counselled not to tell his wife, or not yet. If the pastor will not do that, then enlist the pastor’s help to tell her. She’ll need that support there, as will their marriage. This news will totally devastate her. There is no way he ought to withhold this information without someone who can confirm that he did not hide it out of a desire to continue or to “get away with it” somehow.
He also needs to consider that if he cheated with this friend in his own house, his wife may already know. She could have heard them, she could have found evidence. She may not know what to do, because she stands to lose so much by confronting them. She may have drifted so far from him that she does not care, so long as he doesn’t come to her for intimacy. We can’t know what she knows or what she will think. He really needs to have help in sorting this out, and far more than he can be given during the few minutes his confessor can spend with him at Saturday confessions at church. He does need to realize, though, that just as he might think and act in ways that his wife does not know him, likewise he may not know her mind as well as he imagines.
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CallMeDad
Guest
OP,
You devoted post after post in the original thread to rationalizing the affair, and you could not even admit that it was your affair that you were writing about all along.
I am not sure which part of all of this is real, if any. I’ve got my doubts.
In any event, it has been obvious all along what should be done with either affair - end all contact with the other cheater and try to salvage your own marriage, if you still can. Man up.
You devoted post after post in the original thread to rationalizing the affair, and you could not even admit that it was your affair that you were writing about all along.
I am not sure which part of all of this is real, if any. I’ve got my doubts.
In any event, it has been obvious all along what should be done with either affair - end all contact with the other cheater and try to salvage your own marriage, if you still can. Man up.
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pianistclare
Guest
It is odd that he posted posted and ran. :coffeeread:
Maybe it’s a story.
Maybe it’s a story.
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Maine52
Guest
Maybe I was harsh, and if so, I apologize. Resisting temptation is indeed hard. But true contrition does mean trying to avoid the behavior in the future. The OP has admitted he asked this woman into a guest bedroom in his home.
I have a hard time seeing any effort to avoid the sin. His opening line of the post says he has “suffered the same fate” as his sister, as if he has fallen into an inevitable trap, when in reality he has freely chosen his so-called “fate” (sin). All I’m saying is, true repentance means avoiding the behavior, and the OP has yet to do so.- Status