Adultery 2

[ajecphotos]

Take the advice of these priests, because they will be there to help you if it becomes a problem with your wife that you did not tell her. They will be able to tell her that they advised you as they have not in order to deceive her, but in order to spare her pain. Since her relationship with her friend has become strained and she is newly open to “a new start,” I suspect very strongly she may already know in her heart and possibly even in fact about what you and her friend have done. It may be her preference to not be openly confronted with the truth of what you did or to know with certainty what you did.

On the matter of whether you are “worthy” to be an EMHC: You never have been. None of us are. You must never ever serve as a EMHC when you have an unconfessed mortal sin on your soul, just as surely as you must bow out if you have a serious and communicable disease (although for different reasons–I am not trying to make those into the same thing). Having said that, priests do not require that all their EMHC have never committed a mortal sin. They require that the faithful not offer themselves to do this work when they are not in a state of grace, and certainly not when they are giving scandal on a day-to-day basis. You are not in that category. Provided you follow those guidelines and disclose anything that might disqualify you, you may feel free to trust your pastor about whether you are suitable in that role, and do not worry about it.

There is a truth that I learned some time ago that has served me well: You cannot NOT do something. Try to obey the command: Do not think of elephants. You can’t do it! You can only DO things. Therefore, avoid telling yourself “I will not cheat again.” Instead, you should coach yourself with the positive actions that will preclude what you do not want to do: “I will be true to my wife always. Every day, I will look for ways to show her and others that I love her and honor her.” Do you see the difference? One way, your mind dwells on the sin. The other way, your mind dwells on the virtue you want to live.

I would ask the priests about this, though: How should you handle it, if she asks you point-blank whether or not you have been unfaithful? Obviously, you cannot lie to her. You have to tell her the truth. You may want their advice about how that should be done and (perhaps more importantly) how that should not be done and what you should not say.

I would never serve as an EHMC without confession. That would be be so terrible! I would never ever do that. I would rather kill myself than do that.

Wife has no idea at all what has been going on. I feel so bad about it. I dont want to destroy her life, or my daughters! I dont care about my life. I am willing to suffer.

My wife is so innocent. She is so loving and caring. I am the evil one. She would never dream that i could ever be so unfaithful. I deserve all the punishments of God. I dont want her to feel any hurt or pain.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I do repent. I feel so bad. So filthy. So unclean and sinful.

I see what the priests mean about the devil rubbing his hands together. Do you see that there was some pride mixed in with your previous lack of infidelity? Do you see that perhaps the thought was snuck into your mind that you are not “that kind of person,” which left you open to the near occasions of sin that were your downfall? We are often lead into presumption as a prelude to the temptation to plunge into despair after our faults finally become so obvious that even we cannot remain oblivious to them.

I was taught a long time ago that God gave us the emotion of guilt as an aid to the duty to turn to repentance after sin, just as God gave us natural affection as a natural aid to the duty to charity. Repentance is the intended function of guilt feelings. I was taught that once we have repented and for as long as we hold the course of amendment, we ought to let go of guilt, because the guilt serves no purpose. Guilt feelings that remain after we have repented and even after we have taken a path of amendment of life and making amends towards those we have wronged keeps our attention on the sin that God has forgotten, when we ought to be concentrating on being the saint that God intends to make of us. Those guilt feelings in spite of amendment of life too often lead to shame. Shame is often pride feeling the agony that it is not God, pain that the soul had to admit it is nothing without God. In any event, it is the royal road to the embrace of despair, which in turn leads to the refusal of grace and salvation. It has no place in the reclamation of a soul.

 

[Beryllos]

…
I would ask the priests about this, though: How should you handle it, if she asks you point-blank whether or not you have been unfaithful? Obviously, you cannot lie to her. You have to tell her the truth. You may want their advice about how that should be done and (perhaps more importantly) how that should not be done and what you should not say.

Yes, talk with the priest about that. It may well happen.

Now this is just my opinion, but I think, if the truth comes to light or she asked you point-blank, admit that you are responsible for having kept secrets. Do not blame it on the priests or say you did it only because they told you to do it. The fact is that you decide, you act, you are responsible, and you’ll have some explaining to do, but that will promote the healing of your relationship and the rebuilding of trust.

Once again I urge you to talk with the priest about this.

And God Bless you.

 

[ajecphotos]

I see what the priests mean about the devil rubbing his hands together. Do you see that there was some pride mixed in with your previous lack of infidelity? Do you see that perhaps the thought was snuck into your mind that you are not “that kind of person,” which left you open to the near occasions of sin that were your downfall? We are often lead into presumption as a prelude to the temptation to plunge into despair after our faults finally become so obvious that even we cannot remain oblivious to them.

I was taught a long time ago that God gave us the emotion of guilt as an aid to the duty to turn to repentance after sin, just as God gave us natural affection as a natural aid to the duty to charity. Repentance is the intended function of guilt feelings. I was taught that once we have repented and for as long as we hold the course of amendment, we ought to let go of guilt, because the guilt serves no purpose. Guilt feelings that remain after we have repented and even after we have taken a path of amendment of life and making amends towards those we have wronged keeps our attention on the sin that God has forgotten, when we ought to be concentrating on being the saint that God intends to make of us. Those guilt feelings in spite of amendment of life too often lead to shame. Shame is often pride feeling the agony that it is not God, pain that the soul had to admit it is nothing without God. In any event, it is the royal road to the embrace of despair, which in turn leads to the refusal of grace and salvation. It has no place in the reclamation of a soul.

Yes, you are right

 

[pianistclare]

With all due respect, you don’t seem to respond to any positive advice or compassion.
You seek punishment. You want to see yet another priest because you think maybe he’ll chew you out, and you’ll feel better, like some sort of weird penance.
If you really love your wife, get on it! Show her, tell her, and repent.
Distance yourself from the other women…you already said she agrees. Good!
Now is the time to move on, assuming you have been to confession.
Waiting for one of us to beat you up isn’t going to help. Be proactive. Make a change in your marriage and your life. If you step away from ministry for a time because you just can’t hack it emotionally, fine. But when you receive absolution, you’re forgiven.
Don’t you believe that?
You don’t want to tell your wife, and 3 priests agree. That’s the end of it.
Be a better husband all by yourself. Internet acquaintances can’t do anything to contribute to your marriage healing or moving forward.
That’s something only you can do. start working. off line.
Good luck.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would never serve as an EHMC without confession. That would be be so terrible! I would never ever do that. I would rather kill myself than do that.

Wife has no idea at all what has been going on. I feel so bad about it. I dont want to destroy her life, or my daughters! I dont care about my life. I am willing to suffer.

My wife is so innocent. She is so loving and caring. I am the evil one. She would never dream that i could ever be so unfaithful. I deserve all the punishments of God. I dont want her to feel any hurt or pain.

No, no, NO! You are not going to kill yourself. What? Would you substitute one evil for another? You are not your own, that you can talk about killing yourself! Watch how you speak! And what if you were told that you had to confess everything in front of everyone instead of killing yourself? Is that what you are being told by that voice in your head? No, because that is an act of humility rather than an act of despair. Do not let the evil one whisper in your ear, then.

When the Lord told the crowd that the one among them who was without sin ought to throw the first stone at the woman caught in adultery, do you think what he wanted was for her to get up and toss the first rock at herself? No! He told her, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more.” That is what you do. You say, “O God, be merciful to me a sinner,” and then when you are given absolution you accept the mercy of God and resolve to extend it always to others who have their faults when they make you suffer.

Feelings can torment us, but it is OK to say “no” to our feelings. Sometimes, saying “no” to our feelings and working through ways to let them go is our duty, something we must strive to accomplish even when we are not totally successful. That is just as true of feelings of despair and self-loathing as it is feelings of lust and covetousness. Believe you can say, “No, this feeling is false and will lead me away from the way I ought to walk. I will refuse to dwell on it. I will choose to think differently.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, you are right

Spend some time before the Blessed Sacrament when you can. Know you are forgiven. Know you are loved. Know that when your weakness is covered by grace and repaired by God’s mercy, it is for the glory of God. Rejoice that you have been reclaimed, and let your heart swell at the fate from which you have been ransomed. No matter what happens, you are back on the right road. Trust that God will lead you through whatever comes, and will never abandon you.

 

[lake]

I have also fallen into mortal sin more times than I can count for matters of impurity. Yes, you must go to confession, perform the penance and follow any advice the priest may give you. Then go forth and sin no more. But then, the hardest part, you must learn also to forgive yourself. You sound like you were once a devout and practicing Catholic, and of course you can be once again. You might need some counseling to help get you through this. Confession and repentance should be freeing and joyful, not making you desire to hurt or kill yourself! Satan is just trying to trade you one mortal sin for another. Don’t let him! Seek help from both a priest and a counselor to help you with the “go forth and sin no more” and the “forgiving yourself parts.” Your marriage will be in my prayers. God bless you!

 

[ajecphotos]

I would not kill myself! Well not at the moment! Thought of it but i fear God too much to do that!!

I have to seek yet another priests advice as others have clearly said on here that i must be wrong! I need to see what he says. His words mean so much to me. God speaks through the priest. This i have been taught.

Ok 3 priests have all told me the same thing but i need to see this other one on saturday if only to put my mind at rest. I need Gods advice. I need closure. I need forgiveness.

Yes, i am an EHMC and it makes me sick to know what i have done. But, all the priests have told me to carry on as a minister!! What do i do? I feel dirty, unfaithful, so sinful but still they say to continue to serve God, to not give in to the devil!!

I love God so so much. I have been unfaithful to God and my wife!!!

 

[EasterJoy]

I have also fallen into mortal sin more times than I can count for matters of impurity. Yes, you must go to confession, perform the penance and follow any advice the priest may give you. Then go forth and sin no more. But then, the hardest part, you must learn also to forgive yourself. You sound like you were once a devout and practicing Catholic, and of course you can be once again. You might need some counseling to help get you through this. Confession and repentance should be freeing and joyful, not making you desire to hurt or kill yourself! Satan is just trying to trade you one mortal sin for another. Don’t let him! Seek help from both a priest and a counselor to help you with the “go forth and sin no more” and the “forgiving yourself parts.” Your marriage will be on my mind and in my prayers! God bless you!

If letting go of tormenting emotions is not something he feels equipped to do after giving it a try, I would agree that it would be wise to at least try counselling. Counsellors are good at helping us to shift our perceptions and can have many good suggestions about techniques by which we can grow in self-mastery. They definitely have their place.

Let us hope that the part about killing himself was not meant seriously, but as a way of showing how extreme his repugnance was for a course of action. Still, if he ever feels as if suicide is something he might actually contemplate doing, there is no question that he ought to disclose this to his confessor immediately, as well as seeking counselling right away. The willingness to contemplate suicide can too easily become habitual, and once habitual it can be rushed in with little effort by the Evil One, in a moment of particular despair. Even the contemplation of committing such a final mortal sin ought to be totally banished from our allowed thoughts or, if we cannot banish the thought alone, then it must be rooted out immediately by whatever outside help it takes to do it.

 

[ajecphotos]

People, i would not commit suicide even though it has crossed my mind! I am too scared of God to do that!!!

 

[EasterJoy]

I would not kill myself! Well not at the moment! Thought of it but i fear God too much to do that!!

I have to seek yet another priests advice as others have clearly said on here that i must be wrong! I need to see what he says. His words mean so much to me. God speaks through the priest. This i have been taught.

Ok 3 priests have all told me the same thing but i need to see this other one on saturday if only to put my mind at rest. I need Gods advice. I need closure. I need forgiveness.

Yes, i am an EHMC and it makes me sick to know what i have done. But, all the priests have told me to carry on as a minister!! What do i do? I feel dirty, unfaithful, so sinful but still they say to continue to serve God, to not give in to the devil!!

I love God so so much. I have been unfaithful to God and my wife!!!

You are probably not going to get final closure in one fell swoop. The discovery that you had this capacity for infidelity has caught you totally by surprise. You are having to re-construct your self-perception and your inner map of your relationship with God, the life of grace, your wife, and your vocation to marriage. You have some work to do, and it will not be done in a day. That is OK. You face a journey of thousands of steps, but you are walking on it. “Home” is in the direction you are now walking!

The good news is that this is undoubtedly an acute manifestation of a chronic malady. Your marriage has been suffering for a long time, only you took its flagging health for granted as an unchangeable fact of life that you would simply have to endure. You have also been living unaware in a misplaced sense of satisfaction about your own capacity to withstand temptation on your own.

Don’t think you’re alone in this! You are not! The truth is, the Evil One rushed you into a serious sin without sufficiently luring you far enough from the saving care of your devotion to the one true God. You fell, but you did not fall into the pit of presumption or the pit of despair laid on either side of you. You were caught up and rescued, instead. Now comes the work of seeing the perilousness of the path you had been on, the work of healing from the bruising your fall caused you, the work of adjusting to the difficult reality of what you really are. As you work through this, though, rejoice! You are adjusting to a perception that is closer to the truth, and always has been closer to the truth. You are learning not just how weak you are, but learning better how infinite is the grace of God! You will learn to speak that truly, and not so much as an uncomprehending parrot as we all do to some extent. That will be what leads you through this. The support of others will help you, but it is opening your eyes to the goodness of God that will ultimately lead you out into the light.

We are nothing without God, but as I like to say: What of it? We were never created to be without God in the first place. What feels like an abyss of neediness now will be something you grow to appreciate and rejoice in more and more, for it is the greatest expanses of need in which the glory of God is revealed most spectacularly.

If you don’t believe me, read St. Paul. He’ll tell you. Reflect on the life of St. Peter. He’ll tell you. All the great saints will. Trust me on that.

 

[pianistclare]

One thing you should not do is post the same thing over and over.
You made a statement that you would rather kill yourself than distribute communion in a state of mortal sin or word to that effect. She didn’t make that up herself.

You are so emotional you don’t know what you are posting or saying.
Methinks this is what got you into trouble in the first place.
Make an appointment with ONE Spiritual Director to master your emotions.
You seem very impetuous.
You have work to do.
Get to it.
But if the FOURTH priest says the same thing, you need to accept it.

 

[EasterJoy]

People, i would not commit suicide even though it has crossed my mind! I am too scared of God to do that!!!

I tell you this from difficult experience: tell your confessor about this. Make a plan about how you will recognize when you have a duty to seek professional help immediately, and make a solemn vow that as you fear the Lord, you will do as you have promised. Then any time that even the thought of maybe thinking of killing yourself crosses your mind, banish it as if you were contemplating the murder of any other human being. I cannot state how important it is to never let this thought gain any footing in your mind’s habitual thoughts whatsoever.

 

[ajecphotos]

I tell you this from difficult experience: tell your confessor about this. Make a plan about how you will recognize when you have a duty to seek professional help immediately, and make a solemn vow that as you fear the Lord, you will do as you have promised. Then any time that even the thought of maybe thinking of killing yourself crosses your mind, banish it as if you were contemplating the murder of any other human being. I cannot state how important it is to never let this thought gain any footing in your mind’s habitual thoughts whatsoever.

Thank you for your kind words. I will take onboard what you have said

 

[whm]

I would not kill myself! Well not at the moment! Thought of it but i fear God too much to do that!!

I have to seek yet another priests advice as others have clearly said on here that i must be wrong! I need to see what he says. His words mean so much to me. God speaks through the priest. This i have been taught.

Ok 3 priests have all told me the same thing but i need to see this other one on saturday if only to put my mind at rest. I need Gods advice. I need closure. I need forgiveness.

Yes, i am an EHMC and it makes me sick to know what i have done. But, all the priests have told me to carry on as a minister!! What do i do? I feel dirty, unfaithful, so sinful but still they say to continue to serve God, to not give in to the devil!!

I love God so so much. I have been unfaithful to God and my wife!!!

This is coming from a fellow sinner who has committed many serious sins and has been a slave to those sins. You cannot undo what is done. You can only control what happens going forward and much good can come from that effort. I very much recognize your current state of mind. Your mind is not in a normal place right now and it is important that you are aware of that so that you can make clear decisions. My advice would be as follows:

1. Stay away from that woman at all costs. It you are around her, the desires will stir and fester and it will likely lead to a fall of some sort. If you are ever alone with her you will fail. This is the attitude you must have to avoid sin. Never think you are strong enough to resist it, avoid the temptation altogether.
2. Focus on your wife. Try being a good husband to her. It may be awkward at first, but it will eventually become more natural and your brain will start to redirect healthy desires to her. Do so with no expectation of sexual reward(for several reasons, one is sincerity and another is that is a trap if it doesn’t happen you will be disappointed and start searching for alternative outlets).
3. If you are unable to follow 1 above and you fail, your wife finding out may be necessary to save you. All that pain she would suffer would be payment to save YOU. Unfortunately this occurring is what it took for many sinners to snap out of it. Maybe contemplating on this will give you some additional resolve.
4. Realize also that virtually any of us can fall into this kind of sin. Not all of us have been put to the test.

I pray things work out for the best.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

People, this other woman has only ever had one man. Her husband. Just like me and the wife. We have been friends for many years so know each other very well.

I have since seen another 2 priests (1 Last night and one this morning 1 is a Canon) who also advised me not to tell my wife. In his words ‘why should she suffer’. I explained ‘everything’ to him. Told him it was all my fault. Just because the wife and I have not ‘been in love’ for years shouldn’t have made any difference, i agree.

I have been 100% truthful to the priests. Told them ‘everything’.

The priests know me very well indeed. Known them all a long time. They have all said i should continue to be an EHMC as if i stop now the devil has won and also, those that i take Communion to would suffer as they rely on me. One of the priests said that the devil would be so pleased if he managed to take me away from serving God! He would be rubbing his hands together. I have told the priests i feel 100% unworthy to carry out the ministry, that i feel sick about what i have done but they have all stated that to carry on the ministry is very important. Obviously i have to promise not to sin again! This i am very much determined to do! I love God and i will not sin this sin again! I pray that God will guide me.

I have promised not to commit this terrible sin again. I am determined to stay faithful to my wife and God.

The wife and i have decided to make a new start. We have both agreed that we need to get the love back that was lost. I dont want to lose her! Ok, i should have thought of all that before i sinned. These things happen. One of the priests told me that i have to be strong in my faith, to pray hard. I must not go near the woman.

This is hard as her daughter and mine are best friends. Plus my wife and her are very good friends too even though lately my wife and her have had a strained relationship.

You people, who am i to listen to? The 3 priests i have now seen or people on the internet? I need your advice too though.

I know i have been so wrong. So bad. But life is not easy and it is so easy to fall.

I so wish i didn’t do what i have done!! It kills me to think of the deception and hurt. But, i know the wife shouldn’t know as that would cause her extreme pain! It would tear her world in 2 and especially now as we have decided to start again!

I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about what i have done. It has stopped. I will not commit adultery again!! I am praying hard for that!

Also, i have never had an affair before!! This was my first and last!!

The woman in question as said that she will not tell her husband or my wife. She has agreed that it should end!

And yes, my twin sister went through a very similar experience of which is now sorted as she is no longer seeing the other guy but unlike me wants a divorce of which she is in the process of going through.

You sure do like to have a lot of drama in your life…

I read the OP and I am sickened by it. You seem to have a knack for saying that you know you were wrong but then somehow excusing it and continue in your adulterous ways. I also notice that while you were busy decrying the Church as wrong on birth control on another thread, you were engaged in these actions.
I think this underscores that you have a distorted view of the marital embrace. And honestly I think these things are all connected. Part of me does not really think this is real because it took about 4 pages on the other thread for people to think the situation with your sister was real. Though it does make sense why you were so defiant about it.

Honestly I could have sworn you were a woman, but I guess I was wrong. Either way, man to man, you have a problem. As for telling her. You kinda have to. Usually I advise against it but you had to post your business that you supposedly want to keep from her on the internet not so anonymously. Your wife can easily read your posts and find this out. Better you tell her than wait for that day. And best you don’t post these things either as they can be used against you in legal proceedings of a divorce.
It is time for you to come to terms with real repentance and redemption. But I fear your pride is hindering that. The only thing that gives me comfort is that the situation may not be real and you just like to stir up some drama.

I’ll give you one thing. If you do indeed post reality. You are one interesting cat.

Repent and turn from sin.

Also, if I were sick, or immobile I would not appreciate the EMHC carrying Crist Himself to me to be an adulterer nor rejecting of Church teachings…

Sorry if that was hard for you to read, or if you are offended, but honestly, now you know how I felt reading your “confession”

Stop sinning. That is the only way to bring yourself back into union with God and His Church, a Church that you need to fully accept.

 

[EasterJoy]

You sure do like to have a lot of drama in your life…

I read the OP and I am sickened by it…Honestly I could have sworn you were a woman, but I guess I was wrong…It is time for you to come to terms with real repentance and redemption. But I fear your pride is hindering that…

What in H-E-double toothpicks do you mean by* that? *

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

What in H-E-double toothpicks do you mean by* that*?

Obviously not what you think. What are you objecting to so I can clarify. Are you familiar with the other threads?

 

[ajecphotos]

You sure do like to have a lot of drama in your life…

I read the OP and I am sickened by it. You seem to have a knack for saying that you know you were wrong but then somehow excusing it and continue in your adulterous ways. I also notice that while you were busy decrying the Church as wrong on birth control on another thread, you were engaged in these actions.
I think this underscores that you have a distorted view of the marital embrace. And honestly I think these things are all connected. Part of me does not really think this is real because it took about 4 pages on the other thread for people to think the situation with your sister was real. Though it does make sense why you were so defiant about it.

Honestly I could have sworn you were a woman, but I guess I was wrong. Either way, man to man, you have a problem. As for telling her. You kinda have to. Usually I advise against it but you had to post your business that you supposedly want to keep from her on the internet not so anonymously. Your wife can easily read your posts and find this out. Better you tell her than wait for that day. And best you don’t post these things either as they can be used against you in legal proceedings of a divorce.
It is time for you to come to terms with real repentance and redemption. But I fear your pride is hindering that. The only thing that gives me comfort is that the situation may not be real and you just like to stir up some drama.

I’ll give you one thing. If you do indeed post reality. You are one interesting cat.

Repent and turn from sin.

Also, if I were sick, or immobile I would not appreciate the EMHC carrying Crist Himself to me to be an adulterer nor rejecting of Church teachings…

Sorry if that was hard for you to read, or if you are offended, but honestly, now you know how I felt reading your “confession”

Stop sinning. That is the only way to bring yourself back into union with God and His Church, a Church that you need to fully accept.

Firstly, it is all 100% true. For myself and my twin sister! Why would i lie?

As for being an EHMC i thought that once forgiven, in confessional, with a firm amendment not to sin again that would be enough? Didn’t Jesus forgive the adulteress and say not to sin anymore? Dont i get that chance or have i got to suffer and suffer?

Yes, i am willing to suffer. I have been so sinful. I have said how unworthy i feel as being an EHMC but the priests i have talked to have all said not to give in to the devil! To continue doing Gods work, but obviously with a clean heart, soul and mind!

I have been advised by these priests not to tell my wife. I do agree with them. Doesnt mean i will never tell her. Just have to do as they say as i agree. My wife need not suffer. Because she will if i tell her. Her life will fall apart! We have both agreed to start again. I am more than willing to suffer. But why should she?

As for seeing what i have written on here, she doesn’t use the internet. Doesnt know how!! Plus she doesnt know my user name! She never sees me on this sight or any other! She just not interested in the internet. Even if she saw me reading this thread she would never think it was written by me!

I dont want her to get hurt. I WANT TO KEEP THE SUFFERING FOR ME. She doesnt need to suffer.

How many times did Jesus say to forgive someone? 7 x 77 times? more?

I have tripped up only this once. I am not a long time adulterer! This has only happened this only time in 30+ years of marriage! One huge mistake by me. One lustful episode that lasted a few months. Something that I have to live with and regret for ever. I have let my wife down and God. I never thought i was capable of stooping so low. I am no better than the dog poo that i step in!! But, i need Gods forgiveness and guidance.

This wont happen again. This has been a massive wake up call to me. Its taken a few months but it has made me realise how precious my wife is and how dearly i need God in my life. I have to learn to forgive myself now.

I will see what the priest says tomorrow now before i decide what to do regarding EHMC etc. At one point i wanted to walk away from my faith!! I felt so sick and filthy! I am sure the devil would love that to happen! But no! I love God, i love my wife. I want both in my life and if i have to suffer then so be it. I want Gods will to be done in me.

He answered my prayers when my wife had that lump in her breast. I told a priest that i was being punished. He told me not to be silly. To pray, pray and pray!