If they’d been in a sexual relationship before, then I would. Trust is not a factor in that decision.
Agreed! Unless of course you knew the one and only sexual partner that they had ever been with!
I would be more inclined to trust him if he said he was a virgin, but if I had anything to suggest otherwise, I would ask him to take a test.
How would you trust that he was a virgin? Would you look for some test to prove that?
I am glad for you, OP
Thank you
Lou
Already answered elsewhere
I would ask him seriously, and tell him that I would not condemn him for his past actions. I would also be honest about myself (I am a virgin, but this could change by the time I meet him). Basically, I would give him no reason to lie to me. If he did lie to me and I found out, then I would make him have a test, and it would be at that point when trust comes into play.
We should all just stop “hounding” the OP.
Thank you. Glad you realise that
He is obviously in his happy place.
Yes, happy to be absolved and getting my marriage back on track. Thank you
Everyone is wasting their breath and their time on this guy who knows all.
Though since he does, I am not sure why he posted to begin with…
But he knows it all now, so we should all just stop wasting our own time.
**So, i am a waste of breath i suppose? Sorry i am still alive!
Many many pages ago i answered peoples questions and still, many many pages forward people keep asking me the same questions, or maybe i should say, people are ‘telling’ me what i should do or knowing me and my wife etc better than i know myself!**
So, its ok to destroy our marriage because you say it is the right way forward? How can you say that when you dont know my wife?
But, that should be her decision now. You’ve made a mistake, and she should have the right to decide how she wants to respond. Obviously nobody can make you tell her, but choosing not to tell her shows a lot of disrespect for her. The way that people go about dealing with their mistakes says a lot about them.
I said you are taking away her opportunity to know the real you.
I do not think he gets that whatsoever. I also do not think he understands that while no one knows him or his wife personally, a lot of people on these forums have had far more personal experience than they would wish on an enemy when it comes to being in his poor wife’s shoes. When they tell him, “Tell her,” they know whereof they speak better than he does. They’re not saying, “She’ll be fine.” They are saying “She has the right to know and uniquely has the right to decide how she is going to handle the offense you have committed against her.” Guessing that she would rather not know, that she is not going to find the cover-up even worse than the infidelity itself? I don’t think he realizes that this decision is also a huge gamble. He is doubling down, whether he wants to admit it or not.
Excellent post, EasterJoy!
The fact is that you said in a separate thread that your wife is the “main breadwinner” in your home. (forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=911702). If the roles were reversed, would the situation be the same?
Hello.
If these suggestions were already mentioned, please disregard. Otherwise, it may be helpful for you to
begin going to SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - meetings; 30+ years Married. Never gone looking for ‘love’ Just happened this once. Never again
move to another city or state; No Need as i trust ex
go to Confession immediately, and go every week from then on; Been many times!!
go to daily Mass if possible, and of course, weekly; I try to go at least 3 or 4 times a week on average
take a long look at a crucifix and meditate at what our sins did to Jesus, who took on all our sins to redeem us; Good idea of which i do regularly.
consider that Hell is forever. What is your immortal soul worth to you? A lot now! I am determined not to go where i have been!!
pray, then pray some more; Yes, as much as possible!
if it’s available, go to a Perpetual Adoration Chapel at the times when you are most tempted. None available but adoration is available before daily mass.
just my two cents here, and please disregard if these things have already been mentioned.
**Many thanks indeed
**
Well, she knows me than you thats for sure!
Well she obviously doesn’t know what we know about you does she? Something that everyone else here thinks is kind of a big deal.
I do not think he gets that whatsoever. I also do not think he understands that while no one knows him or his wife personally, a lot of people on these forums have had far more personal experience than they would wish on an enemy when it comes to being in his poor wife’s shoes. When they tell him, “Tell her,” they know whereof they speak better than he does. They’re not saying, “She’ll be fine.” They are saying “She has the right to know and uniquely has the right to decide how she is going to handle the offense you have committed against her.” Guessing that she would rather not know, that she is not going to find the cover-up even worse than the infidelity itself? I don’t think he realizes that this decision is also a huge gamble. He is doubling down, whether he wants to admit it or not.
But, i have had advice from God! In the confessional!! What better advice than that!!
OTOH, if he were thinking clearly, he wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. That is the reality of sin, no matter who commits it. If you’re not going to accept advice you do not like on the theory that the person posting the advice does not know you, why ask for any advice at all? Just so you can have validation to do what you intended to do in the first place? Is he just here so that people will hear his self-flagellation and feel sorry for him, even though he is not coming clean with his wife?
**Yes, if i wasn’t thinking clearly i wouldn’t have committed adultery. I agree. I was in a bad place and there is no excuse for my behaviour. I wish i had a crystal ball.
One doesnt ‘have’ to accept the advice given! It is not a matter of life and death if the advice is not taken. The only advice i agreed to take was that of the priests in confession. This is because the will of God was being spoken to me. It was clear to me.
**
I’d just say that when people say, “The wife is always the last to know,” they don’t say it in admiration of the wayward spouse’s selfless desire to spare her from suffering. The OP should not expect his wife to take it that way, either. When she finds out that he could carry around a total lie to her for years without raising her suspicion, she is naturally going to wonder what other lies he has been able to conceal without her suspecting a thing. Don’t feel that question is unjust when it comes, OP.
**Well, if and when i do tell her it will be a much better time than now! I am acting on the words of my confessors and thus carrying out Gods will. I know, i have to get my marriage back first and then maybe when the time is right tell all. Of course, i will seek guidance from God first.
Many thanks for your post
**
This is an excellent post! Another thing I observed in the OP’s posts is that he seems to have a persecution complex. (I am very familiar with persecution complexes because I was born and raised in a cult and my parents are emotionally abusive and manipulative and suffer from a persecution complex).
At that time she was the main bread winner and we were still going through a bad patch.
I’ll stick with my confessors advice thank you
And of course, he would tell you seriously, honestly and trust worthily just before you drag him for some STD testing!
This is an excellent post! Another thing I observed in the OP’s posts is that he seems to have a persecution complex. (I am very familiar with persecution complexes because I was born and raised in a cult and my parents are emotionally abusive and manipulative and suffer from a persecution complex).
Waw, you are a doctor? Thank you for your medical observations.
We all give the standard adultery advice of telling the spouse and getting tested for STD’s and all we have gotten in response are 1) protestations about how both are a bad idea and not necessary; 2) statements about how we are all judging and condemning him; 3) how he deserves to suffer and possibly is not worthy of life and 4) that we all want his marriage to fail when we suggest that he be HONEST with his wife.
Well, maybe, just maybe some of you need to change the only record you have got! Then, i wouldnt have to keep repeating myself over and over! You have my answers. Why do u keep insisting trying to ram your views down my poor throat?
The reality is that overall, we feel sorry for his wife and would like him to be honest with her. We want him to be concerned about her health and take some reasonable precautions, as she is an innocent party in all this. We don’t want his marriage to fail. Unfortunately, the OP’s behavior may be the cause of any failure and not because we have wished it so.
Thank you for being so caring. I do appreciate it.
