Adultery forgiveness

[iamrefreshed]

The CCC does NOT say that sins discussed in the Sacrament of Penance should be then discussed with the spouse.

I never claimed it did. You are putting words in my mouth. The CCC says this…

**2487 **Every offense committed against justice and truth entails the duty of reparation, even if its author has been forgiven.

 

[iamrefreshed]

If I know someone’s spouse has been unfaithful and know the truth about it I have no obligation to reveal it.

If my neighbor is a bookeeper and stealing money from his clients and I know the truth I have no obligation to reveal it.

If my brother is having sexual relations with another man and I know the truth about it I have no obligation to reveal it.

If I am walking down the road and see a man who was beaten and robbed I have no obligation to do anything about it.

None make sense. That’s why the gate is narrow.

Standing there and telling your spouse the truth is the only way to true healing. Everything else is a lie and your marriage is now built on deceit.

 

[Fox]

Adultery helped destroy my marriage (seeking annulment as of now), I wish I never knew of it. I’m speaking from experience, don’t say a word. There is no healing if you admit to your spouse you commited adultery. Trust is extremely hard to get back and sometimes it never returns.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Adultery helped destroy my marriage (seeking annulment as of now), I wish I never knew of it. I’m speaking from experience, don’t say a word. There is no healing if you admit to your spouse you commited adultery. Trust is extremely hard to get back and sometimes it never returns.

I’m sorry you were unable to heal. However, healing is possible. I know from experience as well.

www.retrouvaille.org

 

[Julianna]

The spouse of the cheater should know. I cannot imagine the thinking everything is hunky-dorry when everyone around me knows my husband is sleeping around. Finding out later is a cruel blow. If the cheater loses his/her wife/husband and family in the process so be it. A covenant was broken. You don’t make your car payments your car is repossessed. The offended spouse has the right or not to repossess the marriage. If he/she choses to leave the cheater I would not blame him/her in the slightest.

I believe alienation of affections laws should be in place in all 50 states. It works great here in NC. There are people out there who will “go after your wife/husband” and really don’t care if they are married with a family or not. The two big cases I know if in NC were a wake up call to honeys/studs who think they can get away with it.

My best friends husband left her and their 2 yr old who was in the hospital with cancer. His reason was not adultery…he just couldn’t handle the situation so he left. He left her with a sick child and total bankruptcy. She called the parish to ask for a priest to come to the hospital…he didn’t come. An Episcopal priest was making rounds in the same hospital. She told her story to him. When she left the hospital, he “gave” her his second car and his church found them a place to live. Again, she called the rectory at the Catholic Church for assistance. No response. It was rough for her raising her son alone…all the activities at the parish centered around nuclear families…picnics…etc. She would attend with a heavy heart. She gave up and attended the Episcopal church from then on. She felt like she and her son were abandoned by her Church.

Should she have tried harder to save the marriage when he took off? He didn’t love her anymore and each time she went to court to get child support and to pay the hospital bills…she had to “pay” because she brought the case to court.

He is a loser. And I told my friend…he isn’t worth it. Why stay married to someone who doesn’t love you and left his own sick child?

Another friend was left with 3 children. She was a stay at home mom. He left with his secretary. The house was in his name…she should have been on top of this…very bad mistake..he sold it out from under his wife and children. that is why I advise all women to WORK before they marry and continue to WORK making their own money. He cleaned out the joint bank account before she knew what was happening. He was out having a ball in Chicago with his new honey and the lights were cut off in the tiny apartment she could afford on the salary the Catholic school paid. She worked for me part time.

How anyone could possibly think that she should reconcile with this loser is beyond me.

I do not think for one minute that either of these women are in the state of any type of sin.

The second scenerio…she went for an annulment… a long and difficult process. Her attorney wanted 10 grand for the divorce. Where was she going to get that kind of money…pull a rabbit out of the hat?

In both of these cases divorce was justified and welcomed.

A cheater is a deal breaker. It is now up to the jilted spouse to make the decision…am I better off with him/her or without him/her?

 

[grandfather]

If my neighbor is a bookeeper and stealing money from his clients and I know the truth I have no obligation to reveal it.

 

[iamrefreshed]

If the comfessor judges the penitent remorseful and gives a penance and absolution and advises the sinner to keep quiet about it, what do you say then? Is this a matter between the confessor and sinner, or should everyone listen to your expert opinion?

How did you become so wise to know what everyone should do in every case?

Absolving sin is one thing, ADVISING is another.

I say then, tell your spouse you cheated and allow them to make the decision about the marriage with all the information. Yes, you may end up divorced but both spouses had access to all information to make that decision. That is fair and equitable, as a marriage is supposed to be.

I’m not wise but experienced enough to have spent countless hours weeping in the dark of night as a spouse continually lied to me.

Every partner in the marriage is due honesty from the other partner. Otherwise it is not a partnership. One spouse decides what the other needs to know.

I really fail to see how anyone could not call that manipulation!?!?!

One partner is MANIPULATING the decision of the other by witholding crucial information!!!

 

[grandfather]

Absolving sin is one thing, ADVISING is another. :

So you would tell people not to follow the instructions of a confessor and listen to your opinion instead.

 

[Laborer]

…from this day forward, for better or for WORSE, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.
So people get betrayed, it happens. It happened to Jesus. It doesn’t nullify those vows you take before God.

 

[Ruthie]

A couple of years ago, my DH asked me out to dinner at the Vigil Mass, after we had both been to confession. Due to the circumstances, I figured he was performing a penance, and an unusual one. (Father has never given me anything more than the usual 3 prayers - and I am far from lily-white.)

So I asked DH if it was a penance, and he said yes. I did not ask him what it was for; I didn’t want to know. Why? Because it had been absolved; because what he says in the confessional is none of my business; and last but not least, I figured that finding out would do nothing but hurt my feelings, and I know DH doesn’t want to do that.

All three reasons sum up as “it’s none of my business.”

Cheating on me would only become “my business” if he was exposing me to danger, whether for physical or financial reasons. I would also want to know if he fathered a child, because that child is my family, too.

With the above conditions in mind, if I had no suspicion about an affair, and there was *no *likelihood of my finding out, I would want him to keep quiet and carry his own cross of guilt. His telling me would only be from a selfish desire to relieve himself of guilt.

We have no children. I would say that if the kids know, better tell the spouse, because (a) there is a high likelihood of finding our from the kids, and (b) that is a load no kid should carry, and both parents should be involved in healing that wound.

Caveat: this is the personal opinion of one who trusts her spouse not to cheat, and one who would forgive him if he did.

God bless us all,

Ruthie

 

[thistle]

Absolving sin is one thing, ADVISING is another.

I say then, tell your spouse you cheated and allow them to make the decision about the marriage with all the information. Yes, you may end up divorced but both spouses had access to all information to make that decision. That is fair and equitable, as a marriage is supposed to be.

I’m not wise but experienced enough to have spent countless hours weeping in the dark of night as a spouse continually lied to me.

Every partner in the marriage is due honesty from the other partner. Otherwise it is not a partnership. One spouse decides what the other needs to know.

I really fail to see how anyone could not call that manipulation!?!?!

One partner is MANIPULATING the decision of the other by witholding crucial information!!!

So you would rather potentially risk the destruction of a family by being told than potentially have a great marriage and family life for the rest of your years together by not being told.

 

[bkingb2605]

Wow… all I can say to this thread is wow!! I have been away from the Catholic faith for some 15 years now, and I returned about a year ago in full force. I have been attending a seminar offered through my church called “That Man is You” and I am absolutely amazed at some of what is being said here. I have been mulling this over in my head for some time and wonder do we truly understand what it means to be a leader in this society??

We all know and fully understand what adultery is. Most of us probably know the 10 commandments as well and why adultery is wrong. I would ask those of you that think that silence is the policy here, would you than hopefully confess that you lied to your spouse as well? Not just today, but every day. Because you promised to become one with your spouse and what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. You have torn that bond, and your marriage is a lie, every day in every way until you man (or woman) up and admit your mistake. Lying is one of the commandments that many of us break, and for some reason seem to take it lightly. Did you also than confess that you coveted your neighbors wife (or spouse to be more general)? How about that you have stolen the sanctity of marriage from your spouse as well? Adultery is wrong at so many levels. The act alone breaks not one, but four of Our Lords greatest rules by my account.

Let me ask some of you a biblical question now. Do any of you recall the story of a certain King David and his illbegotten bride Bathsheba? Do you recall how he deceived Bathshebas’ husband and had him killed? And do we recall the consequences of his actions to his house? I challenge you to read up on that story a little bit. Conflict in society, Disharmony in the home, Loss of his children and his worship with God will suffer.

In the mean time, I would interject that I agree with some of my predecessors in that **not **taking responsibilty for your actions with your spouse does indeed make you a coward. That is part of being an adult. We all have heard the addage that one white lie leads to another, which leads to another and so on. We all know how that one ends.

I say run to your spouse. Tell them your shortcoming. Beg forgiveness. Pray EVERY day, and lastly get your butt back to church. Show your kids, if that is the excuse you are using, that you are strong enough to live up to your mistakes, not run from them. Further that you are strong enough to fix your mistakes as well. That you are willing to accept responsibility for your actions regardless of what they might be. Lead by example and do NOT allow yourself to fall into that whole “Well everyone else does it” mentality. Lastly, find yourself a good Catholic marriage counselor and do WHATever YOU have to do to fix your mistake.

God Bless Every one of you!!

 

[MomblessedX3]

Wow… all I can say to this thread is wow!! I have been away from the Catholic faith for some 15 years now, and I returned about a year ago in full force. I have been attending a seminar offered through my church called “That Man is You” and I am absolutely amazed at some of what is being said here. I have been mulling this over in my head for some time and wonder do we truly understand what it means to be a leader in this society??

We all know and fully understand what adultery is. Most of us probably know the 10 commandments as well and why adultery is wrong. I would ask those of you that think that silence is the policy here, would you than hopefully confess that you lied to your spouse as well? Not just today, but every day. Because you promised to become one with your spouse and what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. You have torn that bond, and your marriage is a lie, every day in every way until you man (or woman) up and admit your mistake. Lying is one of the commandments that many of us break, and for some reason seem to take it lightly. Did you also than confess that you coveted your neighbors wife (or spouse to be more general)? How about that you have stolen the sanctity of marriage from your spouse as well? Adultery is wrong at so many levels. The act alone breaks not one, but four of Our Lords greatest rules by my account.

Let me ask some of you a biblical question now. Do any of you recall the story of a certain King David and his illbegotten bride Bathsheba? Do you recall how he deceived Bathshebas’ husband and had him killed? And do we recall the consequences of his actions to his house? I challenge you to read up on that story a little bit. Conflict in society, Disharmony in the home, Loss of his children and his worship with God will suffer.

In the mean time, I would interject that I agree with some of my predecessors in that **not **taking responsibilty for your actions with your spouse does indeed make you a coward. That is part of being an adult. We all have heard the addage that one white lie leads to another, which leads to another and so on. We all know how that one ends.

I say run to your spouse. Tell them your shortcoming. Beg forgiveness. Pray EVERY day, and lastly get your butt back to church. Show your kids, if that is the excuse you are using, that you are strong enough to live up to your mistakes, not run from them. Further that you are strong enough to fix your mistakes as well. That you are willing to accept responsibility for your actions regardless of what they might be. Lead by example and do NOT allow yourself to fall into that whole “Well everyone else does it” mentality. Lastly, find yourself a good Catholic marriage counselor and do WHATever YOU have to do to fix your mistake.

God Bless Every one of you!!

Well said!!! bkingb! I applaud you and your wisdom.

 

[Laborer]

Honey, I’m home!
Guess what? I didn’t commit adultery today!
What’s for dinner?

…
A spouse is not a confessor. Keeping something to one’s self is not the same as lying. Your spouse is not your child.

 

[mcs7474]

I was wondering if one had to ask for forgiveness from the spouse he/she committed adultery against before full forgiveness from God is granted? Or… is going to confession and asking God for forgiveness and repenting enough? If divorce was sure to follow after telling the spouse what should the adulterer do?

Love your wife like christ loves the church…

Speaking in terms of “the church” as each and every one of us, how many times have we strayed from God? Committed sin’s of all types, only to ask for forgiveness and receive it? Love your spouse as Christ love the Church… unconditionally

 

[bkingb2605]

Honey, I’m home!
Guess what? I didn’t commit adultery today!
What’s for dinner?

…
A spouse is not a confessor. Keeping something to one’s self is not the same as lying. Your spouse is not your child.

Keeping something from one’s spouse IS indeed the same as lying. Look the word Lying up in a dictionary, there are several listed synonyms for these words that are often interchangeable with the original word in question. A common synonym for lying would be deception. A good defenition of Deception would be: Perceptually misleading. I don’t have time to research this in more biblical terms as I have to leave for work in 10 minutes or I would. For some reason I would imagine that deliberately NOT telling someone that you have wronged them is certainly misleading them and is therefore a lie. As for your spouse not being your child, we all know and understand that. I fail to make the connection. No one is sugesting you treat your spouse like a child. In fact quite the opposite. Instead of saying “Because I said so…” or “Do as I say not as I do…” I am suggesting that you take responsibility for your actions and be a good leader and role model for your family.

God Bless and have a wonderful day.

 

[Fox]

So you would rather potentially risk the destruction of a family by being told than potentially have a great marriage and family life for the rest of your years together by not being told.

I agree, telling does destroy marriages, it did mine. Confess the sin and move on and forget it, don’t dwell on it and learn from it. Your spouse doesn’t need to know.

 

[grandfather]

There are good people who hold strong opinions on both sides of this issue. They are just that, personal opinions. The various posters are starting to repeat themselves, so not much progress is being made in swaying anyone’s opinion.

The Church is very concerned about marriages and has always defended marriage. Adultery may be grounds for civil divorce, but the Church says that the parties can not remarry. Adultery is not grounds for an annulment. In the for better or worse vow, worse includes adultery. You can leave the marriage, but you don’t get a do over, on the grounds of adultery.

Adultery is a very evil sin, it violates a sacred vow, but does not absolve from the continuing responsibility to uphold the vows in the future. If people divorce that is a civil action, and if they remarry civilly they commit adultery with their new state recognized partner. The Church says they are still married to their true spouse, adulterous or not.

So the wronged spouse in a valid marriage has two options, bear the pain of betrayal and stay together, forgiving or attempting to forgive, or leave and remain single and celibate for life.

Leaving everyone’s opinions aside for one minute consider what the Church says about the need to confess to a spouse the sin of aduiltery. Again, the Church in this case has no one procedure on how to deal with something very common. The Church does tell us how to treat sin. We have a sacrament for that. She tells us this particular sin is a mortal sin and completely destroys the life of grace in our souls.

The person who has betrayed the spouse not only sinned against the spouse, but is headed for hell. If that were my wife I would beg God to forgive her. I don’t care who she cheated with, or what fifty men she cheated with, God please save her. I’ll take her back a thousand times if you will God. Forget about my wounded emotions.

Maybe this is easy to say, because I have not had to face the situation, but I think I know myself.

My friend’s wife left him and two children for a lesbian girlfriend. He prays for her immortal soul and has from the beginning. He would have taken her back if she wanted that.

If we die in this sin we will go to hell. Even if we lust in our hearts we are just as guilty as if we had done the deed, says Jesus. So we are dealing with very serious matter and the Church is silent on whether it is necessary to get the spouse involved.

If it were absolutely necessary as some here opinionate, then there is a one size fits all process, and you would think that the Church would have figured that out by now. If the spouse should never ever be told, then also you would think some instruction would exist somewhere saying that.

But the Church has no policy, or even a recommendation on the matter that would support any of the opinions given on either side of the issue, zero. That silence does not seem to phase any of the opinion holders in their certainty.

If someone came to me and asked me what to do I would not give an answer. The fate of a marriage and souls is at stake and I would not want that in my hands. I would not know what to say. I have no experience in dealing with marriage problems of any kind. The only thing I would say is go to confession. Get help there. Start there.

If I were in that position and the priest absolved me I would ask what to tell my wife and I would follow his instruction. Priests deal with this all the time. They see some marriages healed and some collapse, but work for healing. Does anyone who holds such strong opinions think they are more qualified to give advice than someone who sees it all the time? Does anyone think that with the Church silent on the matter that holding such strong opinions and giving advice is rash and imprudent?

I am a senior citizen and have seen a lot of marriages fail. Couples who were in my parish with several kids one day were getting divorced the next. Adultery is not grounds for abandoning vows and family. That is what the Church teaches. So those who say a spouse has the right to know and decide what to do with the marriage are wrong. The Church decides. Your vows are for life, even when one party breaks them.

Jesus Christ also makes a covenant, a vow. He swears in His own blood that He will take us back and love us when we betray Him. He will never break His vow to us sinners and betrayers. How then should we see infidelity in marriage?

 

[Serap]

There are good people who hold strong opinions on both sides of this issue. They are just that, personal opinions. The various posters are starting to repeat themselves, so not much progress is being made in swaying anyone’s opinion.

The Church is very concerned about marriages and has always defended marriage. Adultery may be grounds for civil divorce, but the Church says that the parties can not remarry. Adultery is not grounds for an annulment. In the for better or worse vow, worse includes adultery. You can leave the marriage, but you don’t get a do over, on the grounds of adultery.

Adultery is a very evil sin, it violates a sacred vow, but does not absolve from the continuing responsibility to uphold the vows in the future. If people divorce that is a civil action, and if they remarry civilly they commit adultery with their new state recognized partner. The Church says they are still married to their true spouse, adulterous or not.

So the wronged spouse in a valid marriage has two options, bear the pain of betrayal and stay together, forgiving or attempting to forgive, or leave and remain single and celibate for life.

Leaving everyone’s opinions aside for one minute consider what the Church says about the need to confess to a spouse the sin of aduiltery. Again, the Church in this case has no one procedure on how to deal with something very common. The Church does tell us how to treat sin. We have a sacrament for that. She tells us this particular sin is a mortal sin and completely destroys the life of grace in our souls.

The person who has betrayed the spouse not only sinned against the spouse, but is headed for hell. If that were my wife I would beg God to forgive her. I don’t care who she cheated with, or what fifty men she cheated with, God please save her. I’ll take her back a thousand times if you will God. Forget about my wounded emotions.

Maybe this is easy to say, because I have not had to face the situation, but I think I know myself.

My friend’s wife left him and two children for a lesbian girlfriend. He prays for her immortal soul and has from the beginning. He would have taken her back if she wanted that.

If we die in this sin we will go to hell. Even if we lust in our hearts we are just as guilty as if we had done the deed, says Jesus. So we are dealing with very serious matter and the Church is silent on whether it is necessary to get the spouse involved.

If it were absolutely necessary as some here opinionate, then there is a one size fits all process, and you would think that the Church would have figured that out by now. If the spouse should never ever be told, then also you would think some instruction would exist somewhere saying that.

But the Church has no policy, or even a recommendation on the matter that would support any of the opinions given on either side of the issue, zero. That silence does not seem to phase any of the opinion holders in their certainty.

If someone came to me and asked me what to do I would not give an answer. The fate of a marriage and souls is at stake and I would not want that in my hands. I would not know what to say. I have no experience in dealing with marriage problems of any kind. The only thing I would say is go to confession. Get help there. Start there.

If I were in that position and the priest absolved me I would ask what to tell my wife and I would follow his instruction. Priests deal with this all the time. They see some marriages healed and some collapse, but work for healing. Does anyone who holds such strong opinions think they are more qualified to give advice than someone who sees it all the time? Does anyone think that with the Church silent on the matter that holding such strong opinions and giving advice is rash and imprudent?

I am a senior citizen and have seen a lot of marriages fail. Couples who were in my parish with several kids one day were getting divorced the next. Adultery is not grounds for abandoning vows and family. That is what the Church teaches. So those who say a spouse has the right to know and decide what to do with the marriage are wrong. The Church decides. Your vows are for life, even when one party breaks them.

Jesus Christ also makes a covenant, a vow. He swears in His own blood that He will take us back and love us when we betray Him. He will never break His vow to us sinners and betrayers. How then should we see infidelity in marriage?

wow…you made a really good point!

 

[iamrefreshed]

So you would rather potentially risk the destruction of a family by being told than potentially have a great marriage and family life for the rest of your years together by not being told.

I would rather that the person to whom I committed my life to, whom I lay in bed with at night, with whom I attend Mass and with whom I share everything with, NOT LIE TO ME.