Adultery forgiveness

[iamrefreshed]

But the Church has no policy, or even a recommendation on the matter that would support any of the opinions given on either side of the issue, zero. That silence does not seem to phase any of the opinion holders in their certainty.

Funny, it doesn’t seem to phase your opinion which you state as FACT below.

That is because the church does not give an instruction manual with clear cut mandates. We have the CCC, which I posted above, and which everyone has conveniently ignored.

If I were in that position and the priest absolved me I would ask what to tell my wife and I would follow his instruction. Priests deal with this all the time. They see some marriages healed and some collapse, but work for healing. Does anyone who holds such strong opinions think they are more qualified to give advice than someone who sees it all the time? Does anyone think that with the Church silent on the matter that holding such strong opinions and giving advice is rash and imprudent?

If I were in that position (and I was, on the betrayed side) I would seek absolution from God for my sin and I would then seek forgiveness from my wife for forsaking my wedding vows. Just like the CCC states.

The church is not silent, read the CCC.

Adultery is not grounds for abandoning vows and family. That is what the Church teaches. So those who say a spouse has the right to know and decide what to do with the marriage are wrong. The Church decides. Your vows are for life, even when one party breaks them.

The Church does not decide. The Church allows for separation and divorce. It does not allow for remarriage without annullment.

For someone who states they are giving an opinon you certainly have a way of telling everyone else they are wrong.

Why don’t you back up some of your “facts” with citations oh wise grandfather?

esus Christ also makes a covenant, a vow. He swears in His own blood that He will take us back and love us when we betray Him. He will never break His vow to us sinners and betrayers. How then should we see infidelity in marriage?

We should see infidelity as wrong. We should seek forgiveness from our spouse and absolution from God. Then we can hopefully continue in our marriage not living a lie everyday.

 

[Julianna]

So you would rather potentially risk the destruction of a family by being told than potentially have a great marriage and family life for the rest of your years together by not being told.

Yes, I would. Rather than my children find out and start asking questions. “My friend Susie saw Daddy kissing a lady when they were at the mall”

Oh yeah, I want to know. He should have thought about it before he cheated. Some women need to get a clue. Make sure you have your “own” money.

“Cause the next time that he cheats…it won’t be on me.”

Adultery is a deal breaker. You don’t keep things from your spouse, period. That is deception. If you are the type that would rather “not know”…then perhaps security means more to you than honesty. I know of women who stay with the cheater, because:

1. They have no place to go (no income of their own)
2. They are used to the 3 Bed 2 BA house in suburbia and living in the Blue Moon Trailer Park doesn’t appeal to them
3. They choose to ignore it for the sake of keeping the family together
4. They like the life they have grown accustomed to and don’t want to change it
5. They move to a separate bedroom and tell the kids daddy snores
6. For religious reasons they are afraid to divorce…so they stay with a cheater (dumb idea)

Yeah, that’s the kind life…till death do us part…

 

[iamrefreshed]

For those who think the adulterer has their guilt removed once they told the spouse…nothing could be further from the truth.

Their pain is ever so more intensified after telling.

It’s not out of guilt that they tell, it’s out of love and respect for their spouse.

Having been betrayed and seen my wife’s pain and guilt afterward, I’ll take the betrayal everytime.

 

[Shannon9791]

I would think that in going to confession, the priest may direct the guilty party to inform their spouse. A good priest would offer to be there when said discussion takes place.

 

[Fox]

side note: one of the purposes of confession is to remove guilt of sin and to relieve shame.

 

[Shannon9791]

side note: one of the purposes of confession is to remove guilt of sin and to relieve shame.

While that may be true, in order to truly relive oneself from shame, they have to go through the process of forgiving themselves. Sometimes, even though the sin is forgiven, the guilt and shame felt carries on long after one leaves the confessional.

 

[grandfather]

If I were in that position (and I was, on the betrayed side) I would seek absolution from God for my sin and I would then seek forgiveness from my wife for forsaking my wedding vows. Just like the CCC states.

The church is not silent, read the CCC.

 

[bkingb2605]

There are good people who hold strong opinions on both sides of this issue. They are just that, personal opinions. The various posters are starting to repeat themselves, so not much progress is being made in swaying anyone’s opinion.

The Church is very concerned about marriages and has always defended marriage. Adultery may be grounds for civil divorce, but the Church says that the parties can not remarry. Adultery is not grounds for an annulment. In the for better or worse vow, worse includes adultery. You can leave the marriage, but you don’t get a do over, on the grounds of adultery.

So the wronged spouse in a valid marriage has two options, bear the pain of betrayal and stay together, forgiving or attempting to forgive, or leave and remain single and celibate for life.

If it were absolutely necessary as some here opinionate, then there is a one size fits all process, and you would think that the Church would have figured that out by now. If the spouse should never ever be told, then also you would think some instruction would exist somewhere saying that.

But the Church has no policy, or even a recommendation on the matter that would support any of the opinions given on either side of the issue, zero. That silence does not seem to phase any of the opinion holders in their certainty.

If I were in that position and the priest absolved me I would ask what to tell my wife and I would follow his instruction. Priests deal with this all the time. They see some marriages healed and some collapse, but work for healing. Does anyone who holds such strong opinions think they are more qualified to give advice than someone who sees it all the time? Does anyone think that with the Church silent on the matter that holding such strong opinions and giving advice is rash and imprudent?

I am a senior citizen and have seen a lot of marriages fail. Couples who were in my parish with several kids one day were getting divorced the next. Adultery is not grounds for abandoning vows and family. That is what the Church teaches. So those who say a spouse has the right to know and decide what to do with the marriage are wrong. The Church decides. Your vows are for life, even when one party breaks them.

Jesus Christ also makes a covenant, a vow. He swears in His own blood that He will take us back and love us when we betray Him. He will never break His vow to us sinners and betrayers. How then should we see infidelity in marriage?

Indeed many very good points are made here. Many people do hold strong convictions about this. No one seems to be very quick to explain what scripture says on the matter though. Yours is one of the only ones, yet, no ill-feelings intended to you good sir, it is not completely correct. The curches teachings are evident on divorce and remarrying, many of us know them yet few choose to follow them. When a couple divorces, neither party is allowed to remarry. That is a very true statement and can be backed biblically. However, your statement that the "So those who say a spouse has the right to know and decide what to do with the marriage are wrong." is not a correct statement. The very basis the Catholic church looks to the no remarrying rule tells us that a person has the right to put away their spouse ONLY on grounds of adultrey. Check the book of Mathew. So the spouse does indeed have that right to make that call. Their options are limited though since one can not remarry after a divorce lest you make the new spouse an adulterer as well.

I have no idea why this issue is not directly addressed by the church. I really think that there are examples throughout the bible where we are given examples of doing the right thing. I have cited a few examples in previous posts as well. In the end, we will all do what we think is right. I myself would tell my spouse if I did something like this. Not because I feel sorry for myself as many have eluded too. I would tell them because I take responsibility for my actions. Knowing that I am a sinner, as are each and every one of us. I would certainly confess to breaking at least 4 commandments, and than I would confess to my spouse and beg for mercy. Facing the consequences of my actions, in my mind, is the only honorable thing to do. I also believe that the Bible tells me I need to do that as well.

In closing, and to Grandfathers’ point, I wonder if there really truly is a correct answer to this question. If I were to ask you what 1+1 was equal to, what would you tell me? What if I told you I can make an argument that it is not necessarily what you might think it is? As an engineer, and being well versed in mathematics, I can make an argument that 1+1=10 in a binary system and yet 1+1=2 in a decimal system. Two very different answers and still both are very much correct. I will read on in here if anything else is said, but I am stepping down from this topic for now. Thanks for all of the enlightening discussion and God Bless.

 

[renatas]

My husband cheated on his first wife, went to confession when he converted to Catholism and now he has cheated on me.

No further comment.

But, in my heart if my husband truly asked for my forgiveness and confessed to a priest than I would have some hope that I could “forget” in time.

 

[eelpis]

The innocent spouse do not have to resume marital relations if she or he finds out.

Adultery is a reason for separation, even until death do you part.

God always forgives.
Mankind sometimes forgive.
Nature never forgives.

 

[bkingb2605]

From the CCC…

**1662 **Marriage is based on the consent of the contracting parties, that is, on their will to give themselves, each to the other, mutually and definitively, in order to live a covenant of faithful and fruitful love.

**1604 **God who created man out of love also calls him to love the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man.

**1638 **“From a valid marriage arises a *bond *between the spouses which by its very nature is perpetual and exclusive; furthermore, in a Christian marriage the spouses are strengthened and, as it were, consecrated for the duties and the dignity of their state by a special sacrament.”

What other Sacraments in our faith suggest that we lie? Can you read anything above and come to the conclusion that God wants us to lie?

Not telling a spouse about adultry is a sin. Lying is a sin. Lying by ommission is a sin.

Not telling is wrong on so many levels. If you don’t have radical honesty in marriage, you don’t have a marriage.

I missed this one… Sorry for not acknowledging your case and points to the Church Doctrine in this post, I kind of skipped ahead (I got too lazy to read them all) .

 

[eelpis]

I missed this one… Sorry for not acknowledging your case and points to the Church Doctrine in this post, I kind of skipped ahead (I got too lazy to read them all) .

If the innocent part has found out and resumes marital relations forgiveness is assumed. But that has to be proved in the ecclesiastical court. If there is a sue for separation or anullment.

 

[LilyM]

Yes, I would. Rather than my children find out and start asking questions. “My friend Susie saw Daddy kissing a lady when they were at the mall”

Oh yeah, I want to know. He should have thought about it before he cheated. Some women need to get a clue. Make sure you have your “own” money.

“Cause the next time that he cheats…it won’t be on me.”

Adultery is a deal breaker. You don’t keep things from your spouse, period. That is deception. If you are the type that would rather “not know”…then perhaps security means more to you than honesty. I know of women who stay with the cheater, because:

1. They have no place to go (no income of their own)
2. They are used to the 3 Bed 2 BA house in suburbia and living in the Blue Moon Trailer Park doesn’t appeal to them
3. They choose to ignore it for the sake of keeping the family together
4. They like the life they have grown accustomed to and don’t want to change it
5. They move to a separate bedroom and tell the kids daddy snores
6. For religious reasons they are afraid to divorce…so they stay with a cheater (dumb idea)

Yeah, that’s the kind life…till death do us part…

OR just maybe it’s because they genuinely love (for his own sake, not for the sake of money or security) their husbands, and want to stay with them, in spite of their possible flaws and misdeeds? It does happen, you know.

Perhaps they have less-then-squeaky-clean pasts of their own, but the husband likewise loves them and wants to stay with them in spite of their flaws, which makes them more tolerant and less eager to know all the gory details than you might be in a similar situation?

And above all, perhaps, NOT being their husband’s confessor nor their husband their confessor, again they simply don’t feel a need or a desire to know every thing that their husband does wrong. Again, it does happen.

 

[renatas]

Isn’t it true, “once a cheater, always a cheater”. How can anyone cheat on their spouse without some negative ramifications. Its about time, adultery and extramarital affairs have some serious consequences. He said he was not happy in our marriage but now he can walk around his work with his head down.

My husband is cheating with a co-worker and I made sure everyone at their work found out. Not to be malicious, but what comes around goes around.

My husband is a liar and has showed very little remorse, except for a pathetic I’m sorry what I’ve done to our family.

His daughter is livid with him. How can he ever support her if this were to happen to her. He would be a hippocrite.

 

[AndyF]

This question really has many parts to it.

JMHO.

No, I agree with fox.

Only the devil has an interest in attempting to drive a wedge in the person’s belief he’s absolved therefore really saved. In his temptation he hopes to open other avenues of opportunity by causing a rift in the marriage.

He should do a sincere penance, put it behind and prove his worthiness of the absolvement.

Andy

 

[Serap]

Isn’t it true, “once a cheater, always a cheater”. How can anyone cheat on their spouse without some negative ramifications. Its about time, adultery and extramarital affairs have some serious consequences. He said he was not happy in our marriage but now he can walk around his work with his head down.

My husband is cheating with a co-worker and I made sure everyone at their work found out. Not to be malicious, but what comes around goes around.

My husband is a liar and has showed very little remorse, except for a pathetic I’m sorry what I’ve done to our family.

His daughter is livid with him. How can he ever support her if this were to happen to her. He would be a hippocrite.

It’s not necessarily true that once a man cheats, he’s always a cheater. That’s a very skewed statement.

I also feel that calling his work and letting everyone know what he did is extremely vindictive and not something that Jesus ever advocated in the bible. You had your reasons and sometimes in hurtful situations, we are not always our usual selves.

If my husband cheated on me, I would be DEVASTATED. I sincerely trust him, but if he made ONE mistake, confessed and was truly sorry, I would rather not know about it. This is what the OP was asking about…a one time event that has been confessed and repented for.

If he continued to cheat, then I’m sure I would figure it out and it would be obvious. I couldn’t remain with someone like that. It would be humiliating and degrading to me as a woman.

But again, once a cheater is not always a cheater. There are people who quit smoking and clear themselves of drug addicitons…I’m sure there are people out there who can cheat once and never again.

 

[renatas]

Serap: You have no idea!

 

[Sean_Boyle]

My husband is cheating with a co-worker and I made sure everyone at their work found out. Not to be malicious, but what comes around goes around.

The second statement is in direct conflict with the third.

 

[Serap]

Serap: You have no idea!

No disrespect to you. I understand your hurt.

I do have an idea. My father cheated on my mother through their whole marriage. I’ve lived through it myself as a child.

I went through a long period of having no trust in men to then coming to a new understanding that we are all unique and cannot be painted with the same brush.

I hope that you come to terms with what happened to you. You deserve to be happy and it must have been awful for your family!

 

[Julianna]

My husband cheated on his first wife, went to confession when he converted to Catholism and now he has cheated on me.

No further comment.

But, in my heart if my husband truly asked for my forgiveness and confessed to a priest than I would have some hope that I could “forget” in time.

It’s time to put away the tissues…get a good lawyer and sue **her **for “alienation of affection.” Your attorney will find out if there is a “fraternization policy” in his workplace. If there is…she could be fired and so could he.

You say he cheated on his first wife…and now he has no remorse for cheating on you. Did lights buzz around your head when you met him and found out he cheated on his first wife?

A leopard doesn’t change his spots.

Do you work outside the home? If so, keep working. If you don’t…find a job…because he and his honey are out spending what used to be your money.

Let the attorney do the work and don’t contact his workplace or talk to any of his friends. The less you say the better. When his honey finds out that the money is running dry…she will feed on someone’s else’s husband. Right now…if he dumps her…she could file charges of sexual harrassment to get back at him and he could lose his job.

As for him…he’s not worth it. You are stronger than you think.