Adultery?

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Update again:

Well, looks like they ‘got together’ recently!!! All this talk and now this happens!

She is waiting to see her priest to discuss things further. I saw her Christmas day and she said things had moved on to a very physical relationship now! Yikes! I didnt advise. Just comforted her as she was quite emotional.

I pray that God will guide her and direct her.
 
ajecphotos said:
Update again:

Well, looks like they ‘got together’ recently!!! All this talk and now this happens!

She is waiting to see her priest to discuss things further. I saw her Christmas day and she said things had moved on to a very physical relationship now! Yikes! I didnt advise. Just comforted her as she was quite emotional.

I pray that God will guide her and direct her.
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😛 I could have told you that from your last post. When people say we are just going to leave it alone, it is as good as a guarantee that they will indeed not. It is a sad but true observation of human nature. Many a cheated on spouse has hear the same tune and believed it.
 
Maybe God will guide and direct her through you.

At some point, I think it becomes your obligation to not comfort her but instead to say to her in no uncertain terms, “what you’re doing is wrong, stop it.” For that matter, if this was my sister, I’d say that to the guy she was cheating with (because that’s exactly what is going on.). The longer this goes on, the more pain will eventually be inflicted on all involved, including the innocent (i.e. the children).
 
I can only give advice as my sister is old enough to make decisions be it wrong or right.

Must be an awful situation to be in such as hers and unless one is in that position then advice is all one can give! She loves this ‘guy’ very much indeed.

I pray that God will guide and show his mercy
 
ajecphotos said:
I can only give advice as my sister is old enough to make decisions be it wrong or right.

Must be an awful situation to be in such as hers and unless one is in that position then advice is all one can give! She loves this ‘guy’ very much indeed.

I pray that God will guide and show his mercy
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It is an awful situation. I’ve been there. But the reality is that this awful situation is a situation of her own making and it is entirely within her power to put an end to the situation one way or another. Same with her lover. They have the option to end their affair or to seek divorces. If they choose to do neither they are simply making excuses. Oh, the star crossed lovers who cannot be together…so romantic!

Umm, no. They absolutely can be together if they love each other so much. If they are choosing to stay married and commit adultery they don’t love each other. They are infatuated and caught up in the “new sex haze” created by their hormones and brain chemicals at the expense of their spouses, their families, and their relationship with God.

I understand the caring and sympathy you have for your sister. I have a younger sister of my own who has made the same mistake. As someone who has committed adultery and who is the older sister of someone who has committed adultery the best advice I can offer is to tell her what she needs to hear as opposed to what she wants to hear and then tell her to please keep her affair to herself for the future because you do not approve on moral grounds and cannot keep offering her sympathy in this matter.

In my case, I obviously left my ex, filed for divorce, and remarried. The affairs weren’t the reason. The affairs were a symptom of much bigger problems like addiction, abuse, mental illness, and a generally untenable situation.

In my sisters case, the affair was discovered by her husband and almost cost her a good marriage. Because he loved her and because they had 6 young children he chose to stand by her and work it out. She was lucky. A lot of men and women discovering affairs simply contact an attorney.
 
Well, she went to see priest again today, during confession.

She said she wants to remain ‘friends’ with this guy and that it. No physical relationship etc. But, she does want to be with him forever at some point in the future when both parties have divorced! They have both agreed to this.

The priest has told her to strive to do the very best for her family and for God.

Lets hope and pray that they do what they say this time.
 
ajecphotos said:
Well, she went to see priest again today, during confession.

She said she wants to remain ‘friends’ with this guy and that it. No physical relationship etc. But, she does want to be with him forever at some point in the future when both parties have divorced! They have both agreed to this.

The priest has told her to strive to do the very best for her family and for God.

Lets hope and pray that they do what they say this time.
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If they’re staying in contact as friends the odds of them ending their emotional and physical affair are pretty slim.

It’s still a fish or cut bait situation. If they are seriously in love and want a life together they’d start divorce proceedings. If they aren’t willing to do that, how much can they possibly love each other? And if they don’t love each other enough to file right now, then they might as well break it off entirely and work on their marriages.

Besides, even if they both live another X years AND they are still in love AND they were both to divorce there is still no guarantee they’ll receive annulments and be able to validly marry. Has she considered that if she and this man do actually leave their spouses for each other and marry she may be cutting herself off from the Sacraments permanently?
 
Well, for me, i think God is more understanding than what people say on here.

I am sure he knows that not everyone who marries will end up living forever together! We are weak animals!

God will guide her to do the right thing.

As for the fact that she wont be able to receive Holy Communion etc then i guess that is something she will have to live with.
 
I think God is very understanding, which is why He gave us free will. He wants our love for Him to be a choice we make, not something forced on us. He was willing to send His Son to show us that love consists of making the hard and painful choices, not the easy or comfortable ones. Christ prayed to be spared the cross, but He still chose His Father’s will over His own desires.

Certainly He understands human weakness and temptation because He experienced those Himself as Jesus.

God does not condemn us, we choose whether to accept or reject Him. Do not make the mistake of thinking that when we break our vows to Him that our fate becomes His decision. It does not. It is ours. Our choices, not His.
 
ajecphotos said:
Well, for me, i think God is more understanding than what people say on here.

I am sure he knows that not everyone who marries will end up living forever together! We are weak animals!

God will guide her to do the right thing.

As for the fact that she wont be able to receive Holy Communion etc then i guess that is something she will have to live with.
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Viewing men as animals is a hedonistic view. Why do you think God ignores justice? What of those hurt, not just the two people involved but children and society? Is there no justice for those? Just a nice God who never condemns evil because gee, that is not nice? How dare we demand God bow to our flawed understanding of Mercy and Justice…:eek:
 
No, God wants us to love him. But, he knows that we fail many times in our lives.

Do you think that God would be happy if 2 people who have lived together as man and wife were very unhappy and ill because the marriage had broken down and was unreconcilable? Do you expect that he would want them to carry on living together if it was causing pain to them and the family?

Yes, pain will come due to divorce too. My sister has now found the man she loves deeply. Do you think God will tell her to go back to a loveless marriage (She has/they have, tried everything to get the love back to no avail).

I am almost sure that God helps those in these situations. Maybe he has brought my sister and her new friend together!

Nobody really knows what God thinks or does in these situations. I am open minded about it as i guess that God is not as hard as some of you make out.

As stated, my sister and her ‘new’ friend have decided not to continue with a physical relationship but to remain ‘close’ friends only, for now. They have both agreed to divorce their present partners in due coarse and then marry
 
Ajecphotos, I find your posts to be disconcerting, because they are so theologically unsound as to be embarrassing.

It’s high time someone said what needs to be said: you’ve spent several pages over the past few weeks basically defending what has become physical adultery. Maybe I could chalk your sister’s evil acts - and that is exactly what they are - to hormones, “the thrill of the chase,” or whatever. You however should know better.

And I suspect deep down you do.

Now, you have frequently written “we can’t know God.” We can know Him. We know Him through the Bible; through the Church; and through natural law that is written on our hearts. Each of those tells you, and us, that what sis is doing is wrong, and that you are empowering/excusing her wrongdoing.

Contrary to your misconceptions God does not always want us to be happy. If you’d like to quote some authority: bible verse, church teaching, whatever, to the contrary, I’m all ears. However, we lost the right to unmitigated happiness when Adam & eve sinned. If God desired our earthly happiness there would be no suffering and we know that’s not the case.

What we DO know is that God doesn’t want us walking away on our sworn promises to Him and our spouses AKA our marriage vows, when someone else comes along who strikes our fancy and our hormones. That’s why you’re only considered “married” when the priest says some permutation of “what God has put together, let no man put asunder.”

So stop defending the undefensible and realize that sister is wrong and that you’re condoning and excusing it. Quite frankly, I find your posts to that effect rather shameful.
 
I am not saying that what she has been doing is right. I just think that not everyone’s case is the same! Its not always lust that is the factor! Not everyone who meets another person is interested in sex only!

I myself would like to believe that God knows that we are individuals and not all the same through and through. Each of us has our own unique way.

I would never think that God would tell everyone who has a bad marriage, who has been trying for years to get it back on track, who has been to counselling, who has approached spiritual guidance to resolve the issues and still there can be no reconciliation, to turn around and say ‘tough’ you made those vows and you have to live a living hell until death!!!

No, sorry, i believe that God is a loving God and helps and guides those in those situations.

My sister has said she will get a divorce and then carry on her life with this other guy. If that means she will be happy then i am ok with that. I dont want her to suffer anymore. I am sure God would be of the same opinion.

She has asked God to go guide her. She prays about it continuously and has sought help through her local priest. God can see what is going on. God is caring and i pray that he guides her on the right path.
 
ajecphotos said:
I am not saying that what she has been doing is right. I just think that not everyone’s case is the same! Its not always lust that is the factor! Not everyone who meets another person is interested in sex only!
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I don’t recall the Ten Commandments mentioning love as an excuse for adultery. It doesn’t matter if it’s love or lust, the point is that what she is doing is wrong and she had literally no excuse for it. If she and her lover are that certain that they truly love each other and are meant to be together, yadda yadda yadda, then they would be coming clean with their spouses and divorcing. I’m not saying divorce is the best outcome, of course, but I am saying that honestly and honorably living her life is preferable to skulking around, playing house here and there, and making nothing but excuses for her behavior, and hurting two innocent families worth of people in the process.

Also, I kind of find it interesting that the relationship became nothing more than friends with plans for some vague future years down the road AFTER they had sex. If the “let’s be friends until X years from now” was his idea it might be because he was/is manipulating her into the sack and once he got what he wanted he decided to chill out, take a step back, and…well, you get the picture. Not like it would be the first time a man had done that and a desperate woman fell for it.

Even if this man legitimately wants to marry her someday, have either of them thought of the fallout? The holidays and other family functions will be so festive! If the combined children even bother speaking to either of them the fact remains that your sister will always be the homewrecking tramp that stole their father from their mother and her lover will always be the philanderer who stole their mother from their father. Heck, maybe their kids can bond over how much they hate their adulterous parents. And I am not saying that to be mean. I’ve seen it happen. More than once. Your sis needs to think this through without the shiny new affair rose tinted glasses on.
 
Ajecphotos, not only is MJJean correct in many respects, but also – along the lines of how the kids might bond by hating their adultering parents – have you considered how the kids, when grown, might view their uncle, you, who knew about this, smiled, said, “maybe it’s God’s will!,” and did absolutely nothing to help two innocent spouses and two sets of innocent kids? Have you considered the fallout if some cuckolded spouse learns that you knew of this and sat on your hands?

A great jurist said once that we obey the law because we love God or dread nought: Some do the right thing because it’s the right thing; some do right because they fear the consequences of doing wrong. The former is preferable, but the latter will work. Now, as it appears clear that you will not “do right” by doing what you can to stop the wrongdoing, just because it’s right, perhaps this thread, if nothing else, might encourage you to stop evil, because you ought to fear the consequences of you doing nothing. The potential effect this evil has on you, my friend, and what those who learn of it might visit upon you when they learn that you knew of it and did nothing, is tangible, and it will effect you too, eventually. Heck, it has already: A year or 2 or 5 years ago, would you have foreseen yourself defending, as vehemently as you are, a shameless physical adulterous affair in your own family, when you know the victims personally?
 
Finally, Ajecphotos, I notice that in your last post your sister is the adulterer but you say you don’t want her to “suffer anymore.”

I see no hint that you might say you don’t want her to sin anymore. Or you don’t want her husband to suffer. Or the wife of her adultering cheating friend to suffer. Or her kids to suffer.

Nope. Your thoughts were that she shouldn’t “suffer anymore” – apparently without thought that she is causing her own suffering and those of countless others.

Shame, shame. I need to leave now. I can’t take any more of this.
 
Firstly, they have not had ‘sex’. They have had a physical relationship, kissing and touching apparently but no intercourse.

Secondly, my sister knows how i feel about the situation but i cannot tell her what she can and cannot do!

As for the kids hating the parents yadaa, yadaa, yaddaa, well that is something they would have to flip a coin over.

Its not clear and cut. Not everyone who gets married will live out a life of shear bliss! Remember, my sister has been trying for years to get the marriage back to how it was in the beginning. It has reached a point of meltdown.

She has found love again. She is happy. Would God want her to remain in a marriage that is just about to explode? She is looking into getting a Divorce as i write this! Divorce is on the cards.

Only God can say what will happen to her soul. Unlike the rest of you, i believe that God loves us all and will try his best to help and to forgive. He knows we are weak. He knows that not every marriage is going to last.

God bless you all.
 
ajecphotos said:
Firstly, they have not had ‘sex’. They have had a physical relationship, kissing and touching apparently but no intercourse.

Secondly, my sister knows how i feel about the situation but i cannot tell her what she can and cannot do!

As for the kids hating the parents yadaa, yadaa, yaddaa, well that is something they would have to flip a coin over.

Its not clear and cut. Not everyone who gets married will live out a life of shear bliss! Remember, my sister has been trying for years to get the marriage back to how it was in the beginning. It has reached a point of meltdown.

She has found love again. She is happy. Would God want her to remain in a marriage that is just about to explode? She is looking into getting a Divorce as i write this! Divorce is on the cards.

Only God can say what will happen to her soul. Unlike the rest of you, i believe that God loves us all and will try his best to help and to forgive. He knows we are weak. He knows that not every marriage is going to last.

God bless you all.
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Forgive my mistake. When someone says there is a “physical relationship” that usually means sex.

If they haven’t yet, they probably will if they continue seeing each other.

I think you and your sister might be misunderstanding what marital relationships are like in reality. Of course no marriage is bliss! It’s not supposed to be.

Of course all of her efforts to make her marriage like it was in the beginning have failed. It’s simply not possible to do! Relationships change and evolve over time as they are supposed to do. No one in even the happiest of marriages has the same relationship they did in the beginning. If that’s what she’s after she’s setting herself up for heartache. Because in a few years she’ll have the same problem with the new guy.
 
By getting the marriage back to how it used to be i am sure she means with her and her husband being in love again, loving each other, being close, no arguments all the time, being friendly etc etc etc.

There is just no love there. No friendship. No closeness. They have both admitted that the only reason they remain married is because of the children. They have both said that they will divorce when the children leave the nest. This was all before her new ‘lover’(Non sexual) came on the scene!
 
She told me this morning that she went to confession again at vigil mass last night to talk to the priest. She told him she is determined to do her utmost to not sin against God and to pray to God for guidance. She really is very strong in her faith even though she has gone off the rails, so to speak.

I pray that God will guide her to be closer to him and to follow his way.
 
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