Advice on Sister who is a Narcissist/Psychopath

[benotagoat]

She* is *afraid of it, otherwise you would not lash out in manner identical to evil. Jesus didn’t fear it… he accepted it, went to the cross, and God won over it because of it.

No there is pride in acting so ,not fear .

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Ok, So you are just warning her as to what to expect? I agree she would have to expect repercussions.

But I’m kind of confused, because it seems like you are excusing that you say you would be icy and evil to someone who would try to break up your relationship. ? That’s not a good thing. (If someone evil tried, I should have enough trust in God that He would cause Satan’s attempts to fail and thus still love God by loving the sinner.) So I am confused as to why you excuse it just because of what you would do, which is not a good thing and not what God wants us to do, difficult as that may be. I understand though you are just giving a good warning about real human emotions/behavior.

I’m not even sure the OP is trying to actually break up the relationship, although it would probably be taken as such. Warning someone is more like the scenario. (AND its entirely true we don’t know the entire story) There is a difference between trying to break up a relationship and just giving a warning to someone who may not suspect some lurking danger. He will ultimately make up his mind what he wants to do.

She can just warn him once, and that would be sufficient, however it probably is not going to go well for her. It is typical human behavior for people to want people to butt out though. No one likes meddling- like how Jesus told some people of their sins… they hated him for it, but it needed to be done for their sake. Sometimes it may not be prudent though.

OP,  does anyone else that you know see your sister the same way as you do?   Anyone who has seen first hand what you say she is capable of?   If so, it may do you so good to try and discuss it with them a bit and share the same concerns you shared here.

If it were me, I would pray and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance on this matter. I would pray a long time on it, giving long and sufficient meditation and thought** with the Lord **in prayer. **The Holy Spirit knows how to make good come about and sometimes will move mountains so that an issue can be procured. ** Rely on God, but do make sure you pray. I would have to warn you that if you don’t want to pray then it may be that its less about concern for this young man’s good and more about personal anger or hurt towards your sister. It is work to pray and believe.

I never said anything was right, but it should be expected. She has no business butting in and WE DON’T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

 

[captainrick]

Well, be prepared for an icy cold, evil sister to be even more so. I can tell you that what you want to do to your sister was done to me, all hell would break loose. Do what you want.

I agree. Even if done with good intentions, trying to “warn” someone of a problem with a relationship almost always results in both parties turning against you.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Excuse me ,but post 16 says otherwise .You have completely misread me .

Post 16, I find quite disturbing ,and your answer to her was correct .

If you find what I said disturbing, you are very sheltered. An icy “evil” person who was wronged with be even more icy and evil. OP should just let it go. But y’all do what you want. Not my life.

 

[GEddie]

It isn’t your battle to fight, OP.

Whatever happens between you and sis, you will remain family. Torpedo her relationship and you’ll never hear the end of it.

You are not required to save the boyfriend from anything. If the two of them are serious, you would only make an enemy of him, as well.

ICXC NIKA.

 

[Edmundus1581]

(I’ve only briefly looked at the replies so far. Time is short at the moment, but this is an important question).

I married a woman who feigned her religion for three years to get close to me, and feigned lots of other stuff she knew I wanted to hear.

I was vulnerable and, at 25, felt that I needed a good woman and wife. My 6th sense told me that what I saw on the outside of her, and what she was telling me, was not the real-deal, but I eventually succumbed to it.

I married her, and from the very first day she started to change her colours. She didn’t want to pray with me, although we’d done it throughout our courtship and engagement. She was hostile to family time. Exactly that. We almost never did things as a family, even when we could, because she was simply hostile to it. Imagine the loss to our children!

This woman who once told me that she could never see herself with anyone but me, left me for another man after we’d been married for 10 years - after visibly running the relationship with her “friend” in front of my own and our children’s eyes for about two years.

Some years later I worked out that this little sweetheart, all religious and loving, that I married had either a Borderline Personality Disorder, or was probably a Narcissist. Our children have worked it out too, but in non-technical terms.

I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else.

Some of my friends tried to warn me that the impending marriage was not all “right”, but no-one warned me strong enough. I don’t know whether they could have done any differently though.

Sorry, but right at the moment I don’t have any advice on how to go about telling him. As you know, it’s very risky territory, and you probably only have one chance (if any) to get it right.

I’ll think about it and pray about it, and try to respond again. I hope you get some other good advice.

– Edit –

I’ve just re-read the OP, and seen " I do not want him to marry her and then find out my sister’s true colors."

Very interesting that this aligns with my own: “I married her, and from the very first day she started to change her colours.”

I assure you that either I had not seen that when I posted, or if I did, then the echoing was entirely unconscious.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Realistically, I can see where the PPs are coming from and wanted to try and shed more light on the issue.

It sounds as if you’re very concerned about your sister’s BF. That’s a GOOD thing. The problem is, though, that you have to remember how you may come across to him if you try to “warn” him. She also may have done a pre-emptive strike and told him YOU’RE crazy and not to listen to anything you say. Even if she hasn’t, he could still be very loyal to her and dismiss what you’ve told him.

If they get married and have children, obviously there will be additional risk and, possibly, additional crosses to bear. The best I can suggest is that you attempt to be a part of your sister’s and her partner’s lives as much as is possible for you given the situation. This is simply so that should there be any signs that she is abusing the children, you will be in a position to properly report this to the authorities. Beyond that, although it’s difficult, your role is simply to pray for them. At the end of the day, the BF is an adult and can make his own decisions.

 

[Edmundus1581]

We can’t fear doing right. If the OP stays away from doing things in a vindictive manner, or with a vindictive motivation (which she may not be able to do) and truly has concerns for this young man’s life, then her proceeding is not evil but a good. We must not be afraid of evil… or they will win. We must take a stand. This is charity.

Agreed.

Telling people important information they cannot otherwise know, affecting a life-long decision of theirs, may sometimes be necessary.

Usually it’s best to stay out, and it may be in this case too, but I commend the OP for thinking about it.

 

[Edmundus1581]

And, just one question for the OP, which I want you to think about, and not necessarily answer.

Do you have any interest yourself in the young man? Do you consciously or un-consciously hope that if he splits with your sister, then you might have a chance?

Do you even think that the act of giving him this information may be a form of intimacy with him?

If so, it doesn’t make it wrong to tell him, but you should be very aware of your motivations, and ***definitely ***don’t tell him yourself. Arrange for someone else to do it, and take no “credit” whatsoever yourself.

As another poster advised, take it to a priest first…

 

[pianistclare]

Funny, I never thought the OP was a woman.

 

[Bonnie]

And, just one question for the OP, which I want you to think about, and not necessarily answer.

Do you have any interest yourself in the young man? Do you consciously or un-consciously hope that if he splits with your sister, then you might have a chance?

I thought of this too. Also, she has held a grudge against her sister for years and apparently blames her for her depression. It may just be payback.

 

[Allegra]

I also advise against talking to the guy. No matter how you say it, you will be seen as a vindictive, jealous, nutbag. He will not believe you if he really cares for your sister. I also think you should examine your reasons for wanting to do this in the first place, preferably wiht a priest or counselor. You should also focus your attention on your own healing and getting back into school, and not on foiling your sister’s evil plots.

 

[Allegra]

Funny, I never thought the OP was a woman.

I actually assumed the OP was a woman.

 

[JamalChristophr]

ndkos:

Do I let him ruin his life? What if they have children and then all hell breaks loose?

I know my sister. She is cold as ice. I am not sure if you can comprehend what evil she has done.

Have you forgiven your sister for all the hurt she has caused you?

 

[Edmundus1581]

ndkos:

Thank you for you post on your own personal history with this pain. I am sorry you had to suffer so much.

I know some people are chameleons who have charm and charisma on the surface and fake all the empathy and whatever else. Then when the other person commits to them, they can drop all the loving pretenses.

You are probably right that I have only one chance. I will talk to my priest next week, formulate a plan, and then when I am calm meet with him in person and lay everything out in detail.

Thankyou for the response. As I promised, I have been thinking and praying about it, but it looks as if you have already worked out the best plan of action - based on my own and other responses.

God bless you, and I’ll keep praying for you and your sister and this young man.

Thankyou also for your sympathy for my own unfortunate experience of marriage to a narcissist!

ndkos:

This is probably a better plan than waiting until the priest says at the wedding, “…or forever hold your peace,” and objecting then.

hehe…

It’s also better than being called to the marriage tribunal as a witness to for the annulment case!

My friends who knew my ex-wife and myself at the time of our marriage were happy to help me with the annulment. I am quite sure that they could not have said anything more as warning at the time. But if they could have, and didn’t, then I would not call them real friends.

I think the need to say something arises when there is important information the person needs to know, and is unlikely to otherwise discover.

A simple case would be an aristocratic man, with the appearance of wealth and breeding, courting a woman. He’s drives a Mercedes Benz, has pictures of his family estate in Kent, dresses sharp, takes her to the opera, dines at the best restaurants and charms the waiters. If I knew that he was actually bankrupt, and did not inform the woman, then I might be committing a sin of omission.

An invisible psychiatric disorder could well be as a similar case.

 

[Edmundus1581]

ndkos:

As far as my family, they will not back me up on my sister. My immediate family gave her their full approval to abuse me. My family kicked me out of the house on Christmas Eve, the same day I returned from the mental health center (for depression and suicidal thoughts), because she did not want me home.

My family let me live in unending pain for years and years and told me how worthless I am, and how I am full of “mortal sin.” Every thing I did was a mortal sin, even when I didn’t do it. For example, I committed a mortal sin for skipping Sunday Mass, even though I was there at church the whole time.

I have a friend who started his career as a male nurse, in a psychiatric ward.

He told me once that when he saw the families of the patients, he often felt that the patient was the most sane one.

This friend, btw, was one of the witnesses to my annulment that I mentioned above! Small world

 

[JamalChristophr]

You probably don’t like me saying this, but it seems like you have not forgiven your sister for the harm she caused you.

 

[pianistclare]

All you can do is forgive her and the family, and not associate with them.
You’re a grown-up now.
People can handle their own relationships. If she bot in the middle of yours, you’d be furious, and rightly so.

Let it go. Let her go.
Get therapy for the anger.
I say this in all charity. This will kill your spirit forever. Worse than whatever they did to you.
Lay it all out for the priest, and follow his instructions to the letter.
God bless.

 

[OraLabora]

All you can do is forgive her and the family, and not associate with them.
You’re a grown-up now.
People can handle their own relationships. If she bot in the middle of yours, you’d be furious, and rightly so.

Let it go. Let her go.
Get therapy for the anger.
I say this in all charity. This will kill your spirit forever. Worse than whatever they did to you.
Lay it all out for the priest, and follow his instructions to the letter.
God bless.

To the OP: heed this advice, she speaks the truth ^^^

 

[1ke]

ndkos:

This is probably a better plan than waiting until the priest says at the wedding, “…or forever hold your peace,” and objecting then.

Especially since this isn’t in the ceremony.

I recommend talking to the pastor of the couple if you have concerns:

Can. 1069 All the faithful are obliged to reveal any impediments they know about to the pastor or local ordinary before the celebration of the marriage.