ndkos:
Hello,
My sister is a horribly abusive person to me. …
…she is in a relationship with a boy who seems like a nice Catholic guy. How do I best warn this guy without coming across like a crazy person? …
I do not think my sister is capable of love. I think she may be a true psychopath. I do not want him to marry her and then find out my sister’s true colors.
Thank you for your advice.
ndkos:
I know some people are chameleons who have charm and charisma on the surface and fake all the empathy and whatever else. Then when the other person commits to them, they can drop all the loving pretenses.
You are probably right that I have only one chance…
You’re right, you probably have just one chance. You could make it brief and clear and not forceful.
Also you are right about Narcissists - they are all charm and charisma and fake empathy then as soon as they have your commitment, yes, they suddenly and completely drop all the loving pretenses. Yes, Edmundus knows, and I also experienced this in my first long marriage, now annulled. If one has not lived with a Narcissist, it does sound a little crazy what you say. To others, Narcissists seem kind of super-normal, even kind of a star. (Its easy to be “wonderful” when you don’t have a conscience!) To everyone they are wonderful - because everyone else, including strangers, are “Primary Narcissist Supply” so the Narcissist is always courting and pleasing them, and you, the spouse or close family member, are “Secondary Supply”, and you don’t matter, except as part of their story. Its crazy and if you haven’t lived it, its easier to side with the abuser than the victim. To the unschooled, the Narcissist’s family-member-victim is suspect for being crazy or unforgiving. Right?
It’s not easy to educate people and the fact is, most people would rather judge things for how they see them and not be educated that they are seeing it wrong anyway.
Frankly people should get educated on the Narcissists next door, those people beside us living in an alternate reality, because there are many. Our culture breeds and celebrates them.
As far as your OP question, I think it is good of you to look out for the fiance. But be careful, because your sister could get vindictive if she finds out, and make life harder for you. You can be sure she has already told her fiance (with your family’s back-up on this!) that you are a totally crazy, vindictive, ABUSIVE person (because Narcissists say others have their traits). Also Narcissists always tell others
what they should think of others. And its amazing how many people think to themselves, “Oh, okay, that’s what I am supposed to think of ___”. Partly because the Narcissistic tells others what they should think so
charmingly, so *co-conspiringly *- like they are doing the listener a
favor. The Narcissist takes control over what people around them think - and they tell them what to think! They are practiced at it! (At the end of my first marraige, my ex said, “I can make anybody think anything I want them to think.”) That’s their talent. They are driven at creating their own reputation so they are
sure to get there
first. So - anyone you meet in her circle has already heard a bunch of lies about you. Certainly her fiance has!
So that’s what you face. Crazy sister [brother? sister?] calling, saying her [his?] sister is crazy! Of course! That’s what crazy people, do, right? So if you can possibly see the fiance in person, that is much better. You can see in his eyes how he is taking what you are saying. Make it brief - he can always ask for more info. Which I would be careful about giving until you are sure you can trust him not to share it. You can just say, “I am sure you have heard I am crazy, but I want you to know I blame it on my sister. She is not what she seems. She is a Narcissist. You should know about that before you marry her, and if you don’t know what that is you should learn. This is the truth and if you tell her I told you she will put me through more hell for it. I am telling you now, just this once, so you know. Do with it what you will.”
As to your mental health issues, it sounds like there are valid circumstantial reasons! Jesus heals heart. Seek his healing. He wants to make you whole.
I also want to say that people who haven’t had to forgive big, big betrayals (like a close abusive family member) don’t realize how big-forgiving takes time. For everything there is a season. I read a book once, “Don’t Forgive Too Soon” that made a lot of sense. The premise is that if you forgive too soon, sometimes its not true forgiveness that you offer. You have to see and accept the offense and the pain it caused you before you can truly forgive it. In other words, you need to know what you are forgiving so you in essence give your full and true “consent” to forgiveness. And when badly hurt, the author said, before you can forgive, you need to
go through some stages to get to acceptance, particularly, those stages you go through to accept a death. Anger, depression, bargaining, etc. I forgot what the stages are but those are some of them. At any rate, it made sense to me.
So there should be the desire to forgive, and if it hurts so bad you cannot have that, you can desire to have the desire to forgive, and ask God for the grace for that. With big things, we need God’s help to forgive.
But that is assuming that’s an issue for you! To me, it seemed like you were just telling the facts: Your sister was an abusive Narcissist and messed you up. She might marry an innocent who is about to get messed up, too. (Narcissist don’t change their stripes. Its
EXTREMELY rare).
(I’ve heard that he is quite bitter about the way she eventually treated him 
)
)