Advice Please - Wife Going Overboard

[Rau]

I wonder what the other side of the story is.

It sounds to me like your wife is growing in the Catholic Faith. This should be a matter for rejoicing. Of course, that means you have to grow in the Catholic Faith as well! What a pain in the backside, huh?

It is good that your wife covers her head at Mass… she should. It is good that she only receives the Most Holy Sacrament of Our Lord Jesus Christ from consecrated hands. That is right and proper. It is good that she wants to attend the Tridentine Mass, the Mass of All Ages that is our blessed and cherished patrimony in the Latin Rite.

I for one cannot assume that she is trying to be “holier than thou” or better than anybody. I can only assume that she is trying to be “holier than yesterday” and “better than before”.

As a husband, you’re supposed to be helping her make her salvation. Please be supportive!

Francoist - Element’s of the wife’s actions may indeed be related to a faith journey. But:

• Do you say the Church was wrong in appointing Eucharistic Ministers and the people should reject them?
• Do you believe the wife would be acting in the best interests of her children to remove them from a Catholic school and attempt to home-school all 4 while raising a toddler?

 

[Spooky7272]

Your wife sounds like she’s trying to be the best Catholic wife and mother she can be. Your job is to get your family into Heaven. How are you helping them do this?

 

[Rau]

Your wife sounds like she’s trying to be the best Catholic wife and mother she can be. Your job is to get your family into Heaven. How are you helping them do this?

Could you elaborate on how you make the connection between the wife’s actions on the one hand, and being a better Catholic and Mother on the other?

 

[floresco]

That’s all well and good, but to go in that direction with no cooperation from her husband - it’s not as if she is alone raising “her” children. She is trying to please her friends, not her husband. Who is she married to, anyway?? These friends, or her husband? It’s one thing if BOTH spouses see a need to be more “traditional” or whatever - it’s another thing for one of the spouses/parents to just move off in another direction entirely.

I gave the advice that he should try to understand his wife because that is something he can do. He does not need me to tell him what is wrong with what his wife doing. If she came to me for advice, I would have a lot to say to her about that, but it is not very helpful for him. He needs ideas about what he can do in response.

When she is demanding that he be a proper leader, what she is really doing trying to be the leader herself. She wants a puppet who tells her to do what she wants to do. This is a mockery of the Catholic teaching she thinks she is accepting. If she wants him to be a leader then she has to be a follower even if she does not like how he is leading. Until she figures this out, the situation is going to remain bad.

In the meantime, the husband has to cope. He has to protect his children and he has to try to save his marriage. This is a good man here. He is not giving up when faced with this difficult problem. He is facing it. So I told him to try to understand his wife’s beliefs because that is likely to help him to deal with her.

 

[Chantal25]

I will step in only for the children:

NO HOME SCHOOLING if their Catholic school is great. Because children need to be exposed with other children. It is so so so important to them and for their health. If they are bullied, miserable and no other alternative, yes homeschooling but beside this, NO.

You need this kind of exposure for them, so you can prepare them in life.

As for your wife going over board, then, i would consult with a priest, he will help you.

Priest are down to earth and he will point you in the right direction!

Blessing and love to you!

p.s. I will give you one tips, if your wife is going over board, then she will go over board with the part that the wife has to summit to her husband. You can use this in your advantage to keep the children in their school.

 

[Chantal25]

Another thought came to me.

I am currently reading Sister Faustina diary. It amaze me, how much Jesus want sister Faustina to be obedient to her priest and Mother Superior even thought what they say doesn’t follow what Jesus ask to do with the Divine Mercy. He has a great deal of respect of his priest and protect them. On many occasion, she wanted to do a huge penance and she was denial the permission, she obeyed and Jesus told her that he was pleased she obeyed. On another time, she decided to drink a little less of the remedy to allow to save money for the convent. Jesus told her that he wasn’t please with this, she then took the recommendation and the full spoon instead.

Without question what your wife is seeking, is to bring the family closer to God. Ideally, if you would resonate with her way, you would become a supper Catholic family but you don’t. What i am trying to say is that once your wife understand that our main thing beside loving God and our neighbor, is to work on the virtue of obedience beside humility and charity. This is what please the Lord the most. Obey our superior at work (integrity), our priest, our parent, our teachers, and for your wife, you (if you follow God will).

One sad reason that we aren’t born in heaven is for Adam and Eve that disobey God. Saul lost his right to be king because he disobey God.

Anyway, what i recommend to you is to pray. Why not making a prayer such as if this is for the best that i upgrade my way to love you and serve you, please do so and assist me but if this isn’t against your will, please guide my wife to trust you more and to help me to raise our children the best way in Jesus name. Amen.

 

[Xantippe]

I think there’s a way in which some of these practices may look to your wife like some sort of “fast track” to holiness. Fortunately or unfortunately they are nothing of the kind. Virtue and holiness are hard, and they cannot be bought so cheaply. I think your wife is going overboard in pursuit of modesty, without considering that part of modesty is not drawing attention to yourself. Also, there is often a value judgment to be made between conflicting goods (for instance the benefit to health and character from sports for girls vs. whatever evils your wife fears from them). I don’t get the feeling that your wife is thinking in terms of competing goods. There’s a lot of black and white thinking. I think it might be a good idea to have regular meetings with her about problems in the family (rivalry between siblings, mouthiness, chore shirking, a particular child getting left out, a kid dodging physical activity) and work out a plan of action. I suspect that your family probably does have real problems that you need to work on, but that your wife’s approach allows her to ignore those real problems by just slapping on a ready-made solution that doesn’t address them. Also, come to think of it, is she maybe worn out with scheduling and driving for sports?

I think women are very susceptible to peer pressure from friends with regard to child-raising methods. There’s a lot of flocking and schooling behavior among women.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s a funny (but painful) parody website here, making fun of women who go over the edge with parenting.

facebook.com/pages/Sanctimommy/523533471000365?fref=ts

It’s an occupational hazard of motherhood, I’m afraid. We have a tendency to major in minors.

 

[maryjk]

Just to be practical for a moment,** but how does one woman home-school 4 children** (while dealing with a toddler) and seriously believe an adequate job can be done? This element of the situation alone causes me to question whether there is any possibility of some kind of mental “break” affecting your wife?

I wonder how the older children are reacting to the changes in their mother?

Many, many women are doing it and have done it. I know half a dozen that have done it with more children.

If you think someone can’t school 4 children, how the heck does a public school teacher school 20+??

BUT in this instance, I would highly recommend NOT pulling the children out of school.

To the OP, could it be that your wife is part of a “Plain Catholic” group? I have see them pop on here once in a while. They have withdrawn from secular life and live their life very much like the Amish.

 

[10thCrusader]

One thing you might consider is that neither of you are willing to compromise. Maybe you have to both give a little. For instance, I can understand her reluctance to receive communion from an extraordinary minister of Holy Communion. In many parishes, the use of EHMC’s is not following the directives of Vatican II for their use, and she may not want to support this abuse.

Her desire to attend the EF Mass may be a legitimate support for her faith. There is nothing wrong with that.

But no TV and pulling your children from a perfectly good Catholic school is really beyond the pale. Maybe you could come to a compromise. You could go to the EF Mass, and the children go back to Catholic school and the TV comes back.

See if you can give a little and she can give a little. In marriage, most of the best solutions come from this approach.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Many, many women are doing it and have done it. I know half a dozen that have done it with more children.

If you think someone can’t school 4 children, how the heck does a public school teacher school 20+??

BUT in this instance, I would highly recommend NOT pulling the children out of school.

**To the OP, could it be that your wife is part of a “Plain Catholic” group? ** I have see them pop on here once in a while. They have withdrawn from secular life and live their life very much like the Amish.

That’s the group I was trying to think of last night! Yes, they are much more like the Amish than regular Catholics. Maybe more extreme than some of the Amish, even.

 

[10thCrusader]

One thing you might consider is that neither of you are willing to compromise. Maybe you have to both give a little. For instance, I can understand her reluctance to receive communion from an extraordinary minister of Holy Communion. In many parishes, the use of EHMC’s is not following the directives of Vatican II for their use, and she may not want to support this abuse.

Her desire to attend the EF Mass may be a legitimate support for her faith. There is nothing wrong with that.

But no TV and pulling your children from a perfectly good Catholic school is really beyond the pale. Maybe you could come to a compromise. You could go to the EF Mass, and the children go back to Catholic school and the TV comes back.

See if you can give a little and she can give a little. In marriage, most of the best solutions come from this approach.

Also, to add to this, maybe you could discuss this with help from the priest from her EF Mass. I’m sure he would be reasonable about the situation as well.

 

[maryjk]

That’s the group I was trying to think of last night! Yes, they are much more like the Amish than regular Catholics. Maybe more extreme than some of the Amish, even.

Great minds, Juliane. Great minds. I was also thinking of this last night. It just came to me.

It was the way she dresses that made me think of it.

I know many people that attend the EF, when they can. Not one of them dresses like Little House on the Prairie.

This is a picture from a Plain Catholic website.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Hi Russet1,

I am very well educated on my faith, but thank you for the suggestion. My wife is not praying for me to become Catholic because I already am. She is praying for me to adopt a bunch of radical customs and lifestyle changes that were never a part of our marriage bargain. I am definitely in the pew with her every single Sunday worshiping the very same Christ as she is.

I have talked with my wife a lot about this, but she always has the last word with, “Why would you have a problem with our family being closer to God and closer to living His way?” My response is that God does not ask us to do all these things. I have tried to compromise with her (i.e. I have not said a word about her church hair covering even though I dislike it) but I do have to draw a line when it comes to the children being raised this way. It’s just hard because all my objections just seem like I’m being unholy to her. She just accuses me of not taking my role as spiritual leader properly.
This hurts and honestly makes me angry because I do take that job very seriously.

I have seen MANY women follow this path after being exposed to the “Super Catholic” culture that seems to be taking off like wildfire in blogs and online forums… I’ve seen it in my own extended family to the point where it has broken ties that were once very strong. The feeling of “competition” to always have this outward appearance of being the best Catholic possible is frankly suffocating.

It’s the outward appearance that is concerning, not the inward holiness. They often appear to be doing this for show, because the cultural practices they are doing are outward, not inward.

I would talk to your wife about having more private devotions… to focus on making your family’s holiness INWARD, and avoiding *excessive *OUTWARD SHOWS of faith. As the spiritual leader of the family, I encourage you to actively participate in some of these new ideas… maybe start a new quiet family prayer devotion (family rosary, family divine mercy chaplet, family novena, etc) - maybe this is something she needs more of, as a compromise, of sorts… privately bringing more INWARD holiness to the home.

You’ll be in my prayers. I sympathize, because this does lead to isolation and damaged relationships - I feel the pain of that myself.

 

[cheezey]

I have talked with my wife a lot about this, but she always has the last word with, **“Why would you have a problem with our family being closer to God and closer to living His way?” ** My response is that God does not ask us to do all these things.
This hurts and honestly makes me angry because I do take that job very seriously.

“Honey, I don’t have a problem living His way. It’s YOUR way I am trying to understand and why it has changed so drastically.”

Does she state that her ways, the family’s ways, were so terribly wrong before?

 

[rayne89]

My daughter was homeschooled until 9th grade. And then went to public school. We did cancel cable when she was small but got it back when she was a teen. She wore jeans, even make up (gasp), and has even had a couple boyfriends although so far never kissed but dated for many months. She’s gone to school dances, the overwhelming majority of her school friends are atheists (she has close Catholic friends from our parish). We go to a traditional but OF parish.
She is in her senior year and seriously considering a vocation to religious life. Fully habited traditional sisters. She prays at abortion clinics, goes to bible study, belongs to a young adult pro-life group. She senior project at school is on abortion.
I believe to have a true vocation you have to know what you are not choosing, and also be able to relate to what God’s people, everyday, average people experience. We have a huge homeschooling community at our parish. And the majority of the kids are not like your wife’s friend’s group. These are well adjusted, bright kids who are active in our parish and community.
And nun’s play sports too. See links below. Your wife is taking her zeal and love to a fear response level. Find a good traditional priest that you can both trust. Head covering at Mass is optional - a personal devotion. To cover all the time is going to get her mistaken for a Mennonite. You can be modest with out being frumpy. Even if she feels called to wear longer skirts at the present time, she can still pick stylish ones. She needs to meet you half way. Maybe agree to wear the scapular ( a sacrifice for your marrage on your part) and in exchange she agrees to do shopping with you with for some stylish modest clothes you can both be happy with. It may take some effort on your part but if she sees as more of a partner in holiness (not to say you are not holy) you might have better luck moving to some middle ground. Something about these women is fulfilling a whole in her life, it would be better that hole to be filled by her husband.

graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2011/07/02/magazine/02floor-nuns2/02floor-nuns2-blog480.jpg
bing.com/images/search?q=sisters+of+mary+mother+of+the+eucharist+floor+hockey&qs=n&form=QBIR&pq=sisters+of+mary+mother+of+the+eucharist+floor+hockey&sc=0-40&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&id=FB3021A90F8DD1200874263AC2ADB73154AB6715&selectedIndex=6

 

[cheezey]

Your wife sounds like she’s trying to be the best Catholic wife and mother she can be. Your job is to get your family into Heaven. How are you helping them do this?

By trying to figure calmly, why the radical change, which could be a serious, even medical issue…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Great minds, Juliane. Great minds. I was also thinking of this last night. It just came to me.

It was the way she dresses that made me think of it.

I know many people that attend the EF, when they can. Not one of them dresses like Little House on the Prairie.

This is a picture from a Plain Catholic website.

http://www.freewebs.com/plaincatholic/PCcouple.jpg

Sure seems like the direction OP’s wife is heading!

I mean, I can understand what causes this type of response against the world’s excesses. There’s a part of me that wants life to be simple, to get all of the externals out of the way so I can focus on worshiping God. For me, I know it would be easier in many ways, if the “rules” were exclusive of things like TV, computers, etc. But this is not realistic - most of us depend upon the technology all around us.

OP, regardless of how pious your wife insists that she is now, the actions she is taking are simply wrong-minded. She should not be establishing the family atmosphere by herself. I had to concede that my husband also had a say in the education of our younger son, and he did not support my desire to homeschool. I gave up rather grudgingly, but my conclusion after all these years is that I shouldn’t have pushed so hard in the first place. It was wrong of me to think I was in total charge and my way was the only way that would benefit our son. I hope that your wife will come out of her “spell” and recognize what she is doing. The mentality is rather cult-like, so you will have to enlist help, I think.

What do the children think of the whole thing, especially the older ones?

 

[cheezey]

Great minds, Juliane. Great minds. I was also thinking of this last night. It just came to me.

It was the way she dresses that made me think of it.

I know many people that attend the EF, when they can. Not one of them dresses like Little House on the Prairie.

This is a picture from a Plain Catholic website.

http://www.freewebs.com/plaincatholic/PCcouple.jpg

That’s what I thought, too. The wife’s clothing description brought me back to where I lived for a decade. This is a radical change to be investigated thoroughly.

 

[10thCrusader]

OK, so the whole “take a reasonable approach, and try to work out a compromise” is not acceptable? Great help everyone. Let’s just add to the throwing about of accusations, creating suspicions, condemning situations of which you have no direct knowledge.

Keep up this approach and you’ll really aid in tearing this marriage apart.