Advice

[February]

Oh… and he hasn’t earned the right to have any proprietary interest over you. He’s one of those “one set of rules for me, another for you” types. And all his labels for you are all about what you can do for HIM. I see nothing in here about what he’s willing to do for you. Unless you think you can survive on good morning emails as your source of sustenance for the rest of your life.

Hmm, interesting thought. I guess that’s another true thing that I haven’t thought about much; it is often about him. I almost feel bad for the girl who doesn’t realize that her boyfriend has been hanging out so much with other women, making sexual jokes with them, etc. I really don’t get that. I once dated someone else who later told me he had a girlfriend at the time, and we would go to the movies, etc. and cuddle and he’d kiss me goodbye. What are people thinking sometimes, really?

But, it seems I am always the naive, trusting, romantic person. It seems quite unfair sometimes when all I’m looking for at this point is someone to share my life with and start a family, and I know lots of people that take that for granted. I don’t get it…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Because you’re trusting, a certain kind of man will try to take advantage of you.

Here’s a dealbreaker:

When you find out he has another girlfriend, that’s when you tell him to go home. Doing that will weed out a LOT of the jerks.

 

[Legend]

What do you all think of a guy who: calls you nicknames such as “keeper of my soul”, frequently calls you, asks you to be his confirmation sponsor, falls asleep at your house, sends you good morning/good night messages, becomes jealous about your male friends…

But ALSO: lies, hides things from you, doesn’t let you on his Facebook page, takes phone calls while out with you and walks away to talk privately, sends text messages while you are out together, vaguely answers your questions, and um, most likely still has a girlfriend that he has been dating for probably over a year now!

Should I stay in touch with this person whom I have become very attached and close to, or cut him off? This is obviously going to be more painful to me than it is to him.

I think you have the message now. But, do you know how controlling,manipulative, and untruthful this kind of person can be?

First, he may agree with you about the breakup, and take it well. If it stops there, well and good. But, if he keeps calling you, expects to be allowed into your home, sends gifts and/or cards, stick to your original decision, and firmly return anything he sends, and don’t see him!

Do you have a Facebook or MySpace account? Make sure you block him…even close it for a while, if you can. Persistent, controlling types are very good at manipulating people.

I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, and I do hope he gets the help he needs. But, you aren’t the person he should be asking-he most likely needs professional help.

For your sake, I hope he takes it well. Yes, I have experience with controllers. I hope things work out for you-with a minimum of drama!

 

[theresa]

What do I call him? An immature jerk. There’s better guys out there. Don’t waste your time any longer and move on with your life.

 

[February]

Because you’re trusting, a certain kind of man will try to take advantage of you.

Here’s a dealbreaker:

When you find out he has another girlfriend, that’s when you tell him to go home. Doing that will weed out a LOT of the jerks.

Well, yeah, I mean I’m fairly naive but I didn’t realize he was still dating someone. We had stopped talking for a little bit last year, and have been talking again (nearly every day) and hanging out for about a year without him even mentioning a girlfriend. How do I know he’s still seeing her? A little cyber-sleuthing…

I don’t think he’s going to protest and cry if I tell him I can’t talk to him anymore. Again, how do I know this? Experience that I won’t go into. I have a difficult time letting go of him because I met him at a point in my life when I was grieving and vulnerable. I do realize that he’s filled that gap in my life, but that he was probably not the right person to do so.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Boyfriends who lie and cheat, make husbands who lie and cheat. I would end the relationship with this person–you deserve better. Much. He also sounds like a manipulator. We are called to be forgiving as Christians, and to pray for all…even those who hurt us…BUT, we don’t have to stay in relationships with people who don’t have our best interests at heart, who lie…etc.

Prayers going out for you in this trial you’re going through. It’s hard to end things with someone…and I imagine he will say all the right things when you’re ending things…but, know that in order to date the ‘nice guy,’ you will have to take his ‘other side’ as well. *

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You aren’t grieving and vulnerable now. Are you?

Thank him for his services and move along.

God has better in mind for you. But he can’t give it to you if your hands are already full of trouble.

 

[CatholicHlpmate]

FLEE!! Believe me from experience that you cannot, repeat CANNOT change a man, certainly not one like that. It’s better to cut bait and get out now, before you really get your heart twined around him and end up hurt worse.

Openness, honesty and communication form the foundations of a healthy relationship and marriage, and you’re looking at none of those right now. Pray and keep your heart open, and if the Father calls you to the vocation of marriage, then He’ll place the right man in your path when He feels you both are ready for each other.

 

[snowrider]

What do you all think of a guy who: calls you nicknames such as “keeper of my soul”, frequently calls you, asks you to be his confirmation sponsor, falls asleep at your house, sends you good morning/good night messages, becomes jealous about your male friends…

But ALSO: lies, hides things from you, doesn’t let you on his Facebook page, takes phone calls while out with you and walks away to talk privately, sends text messages while you are out together, vaguely answers your questions, and um, most likely still has a girlfriend that he has been dating for probably over a year now!

Should I stay in touch with this person whom I have become very attached and close to, or cut him off? This is obviously going to be more painful to me than it is to him.

I’m a gentleman who’s on the other side of a similar situation. It’s a LONG story however, I’m 100% faithful to the woman the I love. I have nobody “on the side” and never will. Her lack of trust is due to our past…BUT that’s the past. Phil 3:12-15. And the VAST majority of the past was innocent…stupid, but innocent. She gets uptight with me because I sometimes would walk out of the room to talk when my phone rang. But it was HONESTLY because of the way I was brought up. It’s a courtesy issue. As a kid we NEVER sat and yakked on the phone in front of others. We were taught to politely excuse ourselves and take the call on another extension or ignore the call completely so as not to bother others. Personally, I can’t stand people yakking on their phone when they’re supposed to be spending time with me. It’s VERY disrespectful. Cell phones are a great tool that have also led to all kinds other negative issues…I’ve come to really dislike them. I don’t know about your guy, however we are both good Catholic Christians. If you both are too then you should pray for the Holy Spirit to convict him and then flat out ask him to level with you. I will open up anything for my girlfriend. I want to be trusted but more importantly…I constantly pray to be worthy of her trust. It’s vitally important for me to constantly earn her trust in deeds, words and example. I hate not being trusted. Are you both Christians? Ask if he’ll attend Mass with you. Ask him to get involved with you in the Church besides the Mass. Ask him to pray with you. Ask him to do daily readings with you…like from One Bread, One Body. If he won’t do these things with you…that’s a HUGE problem. If he really loves you he would.
Remember also who it is that plants doubt in you…

In a nutshell…give him another chance.

 

[snowrider]

What do you all think of a guy who: calls you nicknames such as “keeper of my soul”, frequently calls you, asks you to be his confirmation sponsor, falls asleep at your house, sends you good morning/good night messages, becomes jealous about your male friends…

But ALSO: lies, hides things from you, doesn’t let you on his Facebook page, takes phone calls while out with you and walks away to talk privately, sends text messages while you are out together, vaguely answers your questions, and um, most likely still has a girlfriend that he has been dating for probably over a year now!

Should I stay in touch with this person whom I have become very attached and close to, or cut him off? This is obviously going to be more painful to me than it is to him.

Oh yeah, one more thing…he definately should be letting you on his Facebook or Myspace or whatever. Also, if he takes and make calls and texts when with you…that’s wrong. Ask him to turn his phone off for a while. If he won’t…RED FLAG! He should be paying attention to YOU…right? A tiny bit of “good” jealousy is OK…but it shouldn’t make you uncomfortable…it should be kind of a compliment…BUT NOT CONTROLLING! “Keeper of My Soul” is WRONG also… I don’t have any desire to be the keeper of MY girlfriend’s soul…YIKES!

 

[snowrider]

Okay, I’ll go out on a limb here. Prediction time.

It’s unanimous here that you should get rid of this guy on your sofa who thinks you’d make a great mother of his children.

You sound like a smart focused woman.

You will follow our advice.

Next time you talk to him, you will tell him, “Gee, Joe, this isn’t working for me. We don’t have that much in common. All those women chasing you can have you. Please don’t come over and hang out. I’m going to get a real boyfriend who shares my values.”

Then the fun begins.

He will tear up. He will cry. He will tell you how you are the gold standard by which he evaluates all other women and he just realized as you are walking out the door how precious you are to him and you make him a better person, and no one comes close to you, and he will grow up and be better blah blah blablalalalala…

Yeah.

Don’t fall for it. You have no obligation to be the eternal salvation of a man who is too lazy to do it for himself and live by the values his parents spent decades instilling in him. By the time he’s 30, he should have his relationship with the Almighty pretty much fixed. If not, don’t think you can take on that task. That’s a job for God far away from your life.

He’s got the flimflam man routine down pat, I suspect.

Smile and tell him his actions speak so loudly you can’t hear a word he’s saying. Close the door in his face. Lock it. Don’t let him back in.

Just warning you in case he’s like all the others…

Oh… and he hasn’t earned the right to have any proprietary interest over you. He’s one of those “one set of rules for me, another for you” types. And all his labels for you are all about what you can do for HIM. I see nothing in here about what he’s willing to do for you. Unless you think you can survive on good morning emails as your source of sustenance for the rest of your life.

Be VERY careful here Liberanosamalo,
Some of us men are very capable of change. It’s NEVER too late to change. Don’t we all want and need additional chances?

 

[cephas161619]

Be VERY careful here Liberanosamalo,
Some of us men are very capable of change. It’s NEVER too late to change. Don’t we all want and need additional chances?

Snowrider, Liberanos isn’t saying anything about this guy’s past. He’s analyzing the PRESENT SITUATION, and giving sound advice. The guy needs to come to grips with his problems before continuing to enter into an unhealthy relationship. If healthy boundaries and respectful mutual sharing aren’t in place in the beginning, it does not bode well for a good future for the relationship.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I agree with cephas. (Oh btw cephas, Liberano is female)

I would like to add too…that we would be wise to listen to our ‘guts’ more when it comes to these things. Not one, but many red flags are raised here, and when we ignore red flags, and think things will improve, they typically don’t. I think there are SO many nice men and women out there, single people–you don’t need to lower your standards in order to not be alone. There are plenty of people out there who WANT to treat someone with respect and dignity, and don’t play immature guessing games. I have a feeling that the OP’s hunches are correct. When our guts scream at us to turn away from something potentially harmful, that can often be the Holy Spirit’s guidance and wisdom upon a situation. I ignored my gut one time before my husband came along, and dated a terribly abusive guy. Since then, I never ignored my gut again. I learned that good guys do exist, and I found one in my husband. No one is perfect, but we are not talking about perfection here, we are talking about walking away from someone who treats you less than what you deserve.

Dating should be fun…it should be exciting…it is a time to discern if the person is marriage-worthy. And if you are getting a lot of indications that the person is playing games with you, then it’s wisER to walk away, and find someone who won’t play games with your mind and heart.

Just my two cents. *

 

[snowrider]

Snowrider, Liberanos isn’t saying anything about this guy’s past. He’s analyzing the PRESENT SITUATION, and giving sound advice. The guy needs to come to grips with his problems before continuing to enter into an unhealthy relationship. If healthy boundaries and respectful mutual sharing aren’t in place in the beginning, it does not bode well for a good future for the relationship.

Good point…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Snowrider, I’m not saying men can’t change.

Let him. On his own time, on his own dime.

And if in 2 years he is a daily mass/communicant and teaching CCD and in love with God, and she is still available, then maybe they can work things out.

It is not her job to wet nurse a grown man spiritually while he uses her and lies to her.

 

[snowrider]

*I agree with cephas. (Oh btw cephas, Liberano is female)

I would like to add too…that we would be wise to listen to our ‘guts’ more when it comes to these things. Not one, but many red flags are raised here, and when we ignore red flags, and think things will improve, they typically don’t. I think there are SO many nice men and women out there, single people–you don’t need to lower your standards in order to not be alone. There are plenty of people out there who WANT to treat someone with respect and dignity, and don’t play immature guessing games. I have a feeling that the OP’s hunches are correct. When our guts scream at us to turn away from something potentially harmful, that can often be the Holy Spirit’s guidance and wisdom upon a situation. I ignored my gut one time before my husband came along, and dated a terribly abusive guy. Since then, I never ignored my gut again. I learned that good guys do exist, and I found one in my husband. No one is perfect, but we are not talking about perfection here, we are talking about walking away from someone who treats you less than what you deserve.

Dating should be fun…it should be exciting…it is a time to discern if the person is marriage-worthy. And if you are getting a lot of indications that the person is playing games with you, then it’s wisER to walk away, and find someone who won’t play games with your mind and heart.

Just my two cents. *

Whatevergirl,
I agree…way too many red flags. One mystery to me has always been at what point does the Lord want us to walk away and at what point does he give us a challenge ask us to try to persevere? Personally, God has really changed me in the last three years. I would love to be given another chance to be the kind of leader in a relationship that he desires for me. I want so bad to honor him this way…

 

[snowrider]

Snowrider, I’m not saying men can’t change.

Let him. On his own time, on his own dime.

And if in 2 years he is a daily mass/communicant and teaching CCD and in love with God, and she is still available, then maybe they can work things out.

It is not her job to wet nurse a grown man spiritually while he uses her and lies to her.

You are SOOOO right. It’s 100% wrong for him to use her like that. I’d be VERY interested to know where he is in his walk.

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl,
I agree…way too many red flags. One mystery to me has always been at what point does the Lord want us to walk away and at what point does he give us a challenge ask us to try to persevere? Personally, God has really changed me in the last three years. I would love to be given another chance to be the kind of leader in a relationship that he desires for me. I want so bad to honor him this way…

*I agree…but we can be forgiving, helpful, and compassionate…from a distance. The thing is, this isn’t a marriage that the OP is in right now. Thankfully. Dating is for discernment towards marriage. God doesn’t expect us to marry someone who hurts us over and over…or makes us question ourselves, or plays head games. But, He does expect us to forgive, but again, we can forgive, and remove ourselves from situations that are leading nowhere, or are hurtful.

Too often women especially, marry men who raised many red flags during courtship, only to get more of the same after marriage. And a few kids later, they are stuck in a toxic relationship with someone who doesn’t show any intentions of changing. I say, if you see many red flags, don’t stay in hopes that the person is going to change. The thing is, when one is dating…isn’t that the time for them to put their best foot forward? If not, then what might marriage look like?

God gives us endless chances. I don’t think that God expects us to stay in relationships that are unhealthy, and leave us feeling badly about ourselves, though–in order to show our love for HIM. We must not condemn, and be forgiving–but we are not required by God to remain in a bad relationship in order to do so.

When I dated my husband, he did everything he could to show me he would make a good husband…that he wanted me in his life…that he HAD MY BEST INTERESTS at heart. That he loved God, first and foremost. He wasn’t playing head games with me, and making me go over in my head, his bizarre behaviors. To me, that is an immature man who is not ready for marriage, and far too many women ignore such flags, and forge ahead to become a wife…in hopes that marriage will change the man. No person can change another. Only God can change us. People can inspire others to change, but only the OP’s bf can change himself. If he gets women to accept his nonsense as is, what compels him to change? Nothing. Maybe leaving him would be the best thing for him…it will show him that his nonsense is not acceptable to all women. *

 

[snowrider]

*I agree…but we can be forgiving, helpful, and compassionate…from a distance. The thing is, this isn’t a marriage that the OP is in right now. Thankfully. Dating is for discernment towards marriage. God doesn’t expect us to marry someone who hurts us over and over…or makes us question ourselves, or plays head games. But, He does expect us to forgive, but again, we can forgive, and remove ourselves from situations that are leading nowhere, or are hurtful.

Too often women especially, marry men who raised many red flags during courtship, only to get more of the same after marriage. And a few kids later, they are stuck in a toxic relationship with someone who doesn’t show any intentions of changing. I say, if you see many red flags, don’t stay in hopes that the person is going to change. The thing is, when one is dating…isn’t that the time for them to put their best foot forward? If not, then what might marriage look like?

God gives us endless chances. I don’t think that God expects us to stay in relationships that are unhealthy, and leave us feeling badly about ourselves, though–in order to show our love for HIM. We must not condemn, and be forgiving–but we are not required by God to remain in a bad relationship in order to do so.

When I dated my husband, he did everything he could to show me he would make a good husband…that he wanted me in his life…that he HAD MY BEST INTERESTS at heart. That he loved God, first and foremost. He wasn’t playing head games with me, and making me go over in my head, his bizarre behaviors. To me, that is an immature man who is not ready for marriage, and far too many women ignore such flags, and forge ahead to become a wife…in hopes that marriage will change the man. No person can change another. Only God can change us. People can inspire others to change, but only the OP’s bf can change himself. If he gets women to accept his nonsense as is, what compels him to change? Nothing. Maybe leaving him would be the best thing for him…it will show him that his nonsense is not acceptable to all women. *

You are very blessed to come through the storm to find a good man!!
Would you please do me a favor and pray for God to restore our relationship? I want so badly to to be the leader and partner for her that God desires. I’m a new and on fire Catholic (Easter vigil 2008) and she’s a cradle Catholic. My RCIA teacher called me the second coming of Scott Hahn LOL!

 

[February]

You are SOOOO right. It’s 100% wrong for him to use her like that. I’d be VERY interested to know where he is in his walk.

Where is he in his walk? Well, from what he’s told me about his past, he dated a girl in a long term relationship who was a very religious, faithful Catholic. Apparently she helped him see what was important in life while he was going through a difficult time. Why they broke up exactly is unclear…he said it had something to do with her family but I’m not sure, something more could have been going on at her end.

At this point, he has gotten rid of some friends that were negative influences and appears to be trying to change certain behaviors. However, he tells me that I’m the only “real” Catholic he knows, so I suspect the other girl isn’t that into her faith. He wanted to be confirmed and asked me to be his sponsor…I sidestepped that last year when we weren’t really talking, but agreed sometime this spring and he was confirmed in May. I had taken him with me to confession a couple times and mass a few times, but rarely he has gone on his own. He wasn’t raised as a “weekly mass-goer”. He also makes excuses that he has to study and doesn’t have time, which is a whole other issue.

I think he knows that I still have feelings for him, and definitely knows that I did in the past because we’ve had that conversation. I believe he did/has them for me, too, just from what he says…again, mixed messages. If he was totally confident that we were just friends, he would have let me on his facebook right away (which he has since deleted, by the way…another long story) and would have been referring to the person I think is his girlfriend as “girlfriend”, not just “female friend(s)”. And, he wouldn’t have had to hide it from me.

So, I’m still debating this and have had stomachaches for several days due to stress from this and other stuff. Not fun.