Afraid I am raising a bully

[abedog13]

Hello,

I’m here again because of my very difficult 6 year old daughter. I hope I can ask this question and not be judged. DD has always been a very challenging child. As she ages I am scared that I am seeing a bully in her. We have engaged many forms of help for her for the past 3 years and she does respond to the interventions. However, I just don’t see her having innate compassion.

Are there other parents out there in my shoes? I’m at a loss because DH and I are so far opposite her in personality type. Also, this child was wanted so much, she was held, rocked, sang to. We are baffled that she is a bully, but she is.
Thank you.

 

[SMHW]

Hello,

I’m here again because of my very difficult 6 year old daughter. I hope I can ask this question and not be judged. DD has always been a very challenging child. As she ages I am scared that I am seeing a bully in her. We have engaged many forms of help for her for the past 3 years and she does respond to the interventions. However, I just don’t see her having innate compassion.

Are there other parents out there in my shoes? I’m at a loss because DH and I are so far opposite her in personality type. Also, this child was wanted so much, she was held, rocked, sang to. We are baffled that she is a bully, but she is.
Thank you.

You don’t say whether or not you have any other children, particularly younger children. Why do you think she might be a bully? Is it her interactions with other children?

I know that sometimes demanding youngest children never get the opportunity at home to be told that their reasonable wants cannot be met right now. Being bullied or not getting enough attention and loving are some causes of bullying. But they are not the only causes. Some children need a very firm hand.

Some demanding children actually crave responsibility and will act out if they aren’t given real work. (Please note that craving responsibility is not the same thing as wanting or liking responsibility.) Does she have regular chores?

Does your daughter have responsibility to care for plants or pets? Sometimes a child needs to have another living creature to care for. This can teach compassion. (Obviously if you have a pet you need to make sure your child follows through with caring for the animal and that she does not deliberately harm it.)

 

[abedog13]

Thanks for your response!

We do have one other child that is 5. She has a very compassionate spirit and seems to be following a normal developmental track.

DH and I are realizing that the child in mention will push the boundaries until we pull our hair out, so I think you are right about a firm hand/boudary. But will that turn a bully around?

 

[SMHW]

Thanks for your response!

We do have one other child that is 5. She has a very compassionate spirit and seems to be following a normal developmental track.

A compassionate spirit is within normal. But so is being demanding. You may have two normal children. Seemingly opposite traits can both be “normal”. But it may be hard for you to see a child who is unlike your DH and yourself to be normal. (I’m not saying that is what’s happening here. But it is a possibility.)

DH and I are realizing that the child in mention will push the boundaries until we pull our hair out, so I think you are right about a firm hand/boudary. But will that turn a bully around?

What is she doing that you consider bullying?

 

[abedog13]

She finds the person that is least likely to stand up for himself in a given situation and then takes advantage of that person to her own benefit. Even when the other child starts to cry she does nothing to console the child. Then she acts like she doesn’t know why the child is upset or who caused it.

 

[TheDoors]

She’s old enough to understand compassion, and she’s old enough to understand concequences.

 

[St_Francis]

You don’t say whether or not you have any other children, particularly younger children. Why do you think she might be a bully? Is it her interactions with other children?

I know that sometimes demanding youngest children never get the opportunity at home to be told that their reasonable wants cannot be met right now. Being bullied or not getting enough attention and loving are some causes of bullying. But they are not the only causes. Some children need a very firm hand.

Some demanding children actually crave responsibility and will act out if they aren’t given real work. (Please note that craving responsibility is not the same thing as wanting or liking responsibility.) Does she have regular chores?

This is precisely what I have noticed about one of my children. He really wants to do real work. He wants to see results, he wants to see his work affect something.

Maybe he just wants to see himself effecting something, and picks whatever method is at hand to make a difference, and doesn’t consider whether the effect is good or bad.

Now that he is older (11), he is better at managing this: he comes and talks to me about doing different things around the house, etc.

However, we do live in the country and so there have always been a lot of animals around to care for.

Does your daughter have responsibility to care for plants or pets? Sometimes a child needs to have another living creature to care for. This can teach compassion. (Obviously if you have a pet you need to make sure your child follows through with caring for the animal and that she does not deliberately harm it.)

 

[Luvz2travel]

Has she been sheltered or perhaps spoiled too much? I’m not accusing just giving you something to think about. Is she an only child who has never had to share and therefore has never learned to work with others or basic give and take? Compassion can be learned but she may need to be put into experiences that would cause her to learn it. Maybe you could both do some volunteer work together with the homeless, elderly, or disabled. If you were there to show her how others with challenges should be treated maybe she could learn from you and you would be there to guide her and make sure didn’t stray. Also I believe it good to expose kids to those in need at a young age so they aren’t insensitive too it or shocked by such things when they are older. I was exposed to those things as young as kindergarden and it left me with an understanding for those with challenges in their lives. It also helped me later when I ran across such individuals in society. I’ve seen people freeze up or freak out when exposed to such things too late in life with no experience to guide them.

 

[SMHW]

She finds the person that is least likely to stand up for himself in a given situation and then takes advantage of that person to her own benefit. Even when the other child starts to cry she does nothing to console the child. Then she acts like she doesn’t know why the child is upset or who caused it.

See, I think you’ve got a child who is very results driven (like the child St Francis mentioned.) You may have a budding CEO on your hands.

I suspect that this child is so unlike, so opposite, of you, your husband, and your other child that you find her God given personality distasteful. That means you will have to go outside of your comfort zone to “train her up in the way she should go”.

Teach her compassion by all means. But understand it will not come easily to her like it does to your other child. She’s not wired that way. You need to give her goals to achieve, things to influence, ways to leave her mark on the world. Once you feed her need to accomplish something then you can show her how empathy, compassion, and humility are tools that can help her towards meeting her goals.

Someday she will understand that empathy, compassion, and humility are valuable in their own right. And she may help you understand that influencing people to do something other than what comes naturally can be a good thing too.

 

[Luvz2travel]

See, I think you’ve got a child who is very results driven (like the child St Francis mentioned.) You may have a budding CEO on your hands.

I suspect that this child is so unlike, so opposite, of you, your husband, and your other child that you find her God given personality distasteful. That means you will have to go outside of your comfort zone to “train her up in the way she should go”.

Teach her compassion by all means. But understand it will not come easily to her like it does to your other child. She’s not wired that way. You need to give her goals to achieve, things to influence, ways to leave her mark on the world. Once you feed her need to accomplish something then you can show her how empathy, compassion, and humility are tools that can help her towards meeting her goals.

Someday she will understand that empathy, compassion, and humility are valuable in their own right. And she may help you understand that influencing people to do something other than what comes naturally can be a good thing too.

I agree with this…volunteering would also be a good way to do that. Or find out something she wants and ask her if she’s old enough what she would like to achieve and work with that.

 

[SMHW]

I agree with this…volunteering would also be a good way to do that. Or find out something she wants and ask her if she’s old enough what she would like to achieve and work with that.

At age six she probably is a bit young to know what she wants.

But she can certainly be put in charge of certain things. She can set the table. She can listen for the dryer to finish. It’s her job to make sure the towels are where they are supposed to be. These are small things but they have natural consequences when they are not done. If the table is not set then no one can eat. If the clothes stay in the dryer too long then they may wrinkle. If the towels are not where they are supposed to be then Dad will start complaining when it’s time to take a shower.

I agree volunteering would be good but only if this girl can actually see how volunteering is actually helping people. This girl needs to see the results of her actions. She’s not ready for anonymous generosity.

 

[creole54]

abedog13 - I’m truly sorry that your daughter is giving you cause for concern. If it’s any consolation, I had a very similar-type daughter. She would laugh when other people got hurt - seriously hurt, I mean. She was dangerous around small animals. I, too, worried a little bit that I might have given birth to ‘The Bad Seed’. She was also extrememly hard to discipline because she cared for nothing.

She is now 26 years old and is the most wonderfully compassionate, kind, sensitive person I know. She loves babies, old people and animals. She has a very strong sense of fair play and right vs. wrong. Though not Catholic, she is a Christian and seeks to know Him more closely.

I wish I could say what worked to change her around, but I honestly don’t know. I just kept disciplining her when she did something unacceptable and she grew out of it. She’s my favorite person in the world now and there’s no one I’d rather be around.

I just wanted to let you know not to give up hope - that there is a possibility that your daughter will outgrow her bullying, too.

 

[abedog13]

thank you all for your responses! I think that there are many spot on ideas here. Creole, your child sounds just like DD. It gives me hope to hear your later in life story.

Also, I think that you are exactly correct in saying that her personality is so opposite ours that I do find it distasteful. I constantly repeat to myself “harden not my heart” before I speak to her.

I just this morning asked our parish for some volunteer opportunities.

She has a sister that is only 16 months younger than her so she is constantly forced to share. She has also been raised around many chidren with visible and invisible disabilities so she sees that every day.

I’m going to spend more time thinking how I can make her successful. Thank you so much an I hope there are even more responses.

 

[sedonaman]

She finds the person that is least likely to stand up for himself in a given situation and then takes advantage of that person to her own benefit. Even when the other child starts to cry she does nothing to console the child. Then she acts like she doesn’t know why the child is upset or who caused it.

Karate Kid: “Hey - you ever get into fights when you were a kid?”

Mr. Miyagi: “Huh - plenty.”

Karate Kid: “Yeah, but it wasn’t like the problem I have, right? You knew karate.”

Miyagi: “Mmm. Someone always know more.”

Also, there is an old cowboy proverb that says, “Thar ain’t a horse that can’t be rode nor a rider that can’t be throwed.”

Tell her that eventually she’s going to take advantage once too often, and the other child will explode on her, even if he’s weaker.

 

[chevalier]

Has she been sheltered or perhaps spoiled too much?

That’s something I wanted to write a bit about too. When people end up with NPD, it tends to be connected with being either disregarded or spoiled in their childhoods (basically outliers as opposed to more or less balance). So perhaps if a small child is allowed too much or sees everybody carefully attending to his wishes (or even whims), it could be a bit like in that joke about cats and dogs. ‘Man feeds me, gives me a roof over my head and a warm blanket, takes care of me, man must be God,’ thinks the dog. ‘Man feeds me, (…) I must be God,’ thinks the cat. Basically, impressionable people can get used to king/queen treatment and misunderstand it. A child must experience love and know that he’s extremely important to his parents, but not get the impression that he’s the centre of the world.

But I’d also and first of all talk to some kind of counsellor or real psychologist. It’s possible that different types of people learn empathy or compassion in different ways. Properly qualified help could be more useful than trying to figure it out among friends.

 

[Catholic80]

Hello,

I’m here again because of my very difficult 6 year old daughter. I hope I can ask this question and not be judged. DD has always been a very challenging child. As she ages I am scared that I am seeing a bully in her. We have engaged many forms of help for her for the past 3 years and she does respond to the interventions. However, I just don’t see her having innate compassion.

Are there other parents out there in my shoes? I’m at a loss because DH and I are so far opposite her in personality type. Also, this child was wanted so much, she was held, rocked, sang to. We are baffled that she is a bully, but she is.
Thank you.

If you don’t mind my asking, what is it that she is doing that you see as “bullying?”

The reason I ask is that you didn’t mention any specific behaviors of hers and so I can only guess… is she stealing other kids’ toys and snacks, pushing them down, keeping all the toys to herself, bossing others around?.. Some of this is normal for a six year old and some of it is not. It really depends on the frequency and severity of her actions. Did she “bully” one day because she didn’t get adequate sleep the night before? Was she hungry at the time she was bullying? Did any of her peers tease her or hurt her feelings that day?

Children don’t just act up for no reason. If they are doing it consistently, it is a good indicator that something else is wrong. There are even parents who are bewildered at their child’s suddenly outrageous ill behavior, only to find out their child is being sexually abused. Acting up is the child’s language of expressing frustration and difficult emotions. It could be something as benign as she needs extra attention, or is having low blood sugar, or simply needs to learn how to share, or it can be a sign of something more severe. If you are being overly strict with her, that can also cause her to “rebel” of sorts.

An example that pops into my head of “bad behavior” with an explanation is my nephew has severe (I’m talking life-threatening) allergies to a lot of different foods. He is very limited on what he can eat, and my sister has to make all of his food from scratch. (Almost all pre-prepared food has an ingredient he can’t have) Well, plain popcorn is one of the few treats he can have. One day, my sister made him some popcorn and he was happily munching down on it. (He was 2 at the time) He knows he can’t have what he often sees other kids and adults eating, so he cherishes the treats he does get. Well, his dad came home and took a big handful of popcorn out of his bowl. My nephew proceeded to throw a tantrum… My brother in law didn’t understand why my nephew was throwing a tantrum, and proceeded to scold him. This only made things much worse… my nephew dumped the rest of the popcorn on the floor. When my brother-in-law told him to pick it up, my nephew crushed it into the floor. I’m not going to tell all the details as it would take a long time, but long story short, my nephew’s bad attitude lasted the rest of the night and continued throwing tantrums over every little thing that night.

My nephew is normally very well behaved. Had my b-i-l understood that my nephew was very frustrated that he was always denied treats and that his own father was taking away one of the few treats that he could have, it probably wouldn’t have escalated to the level it did.

My point? My nephew had no capability of expressing this frustration other than throwing a tantrum. Kids do not have the vocabulary (even at 6) or the interior reflection and perspective to analyze and understand their feelings and others’ feelings and behaviors. Maturity happens at all different levels. The biggest teacher of charity is going to be your and your husband’s example. You also might want to find out the situations and circumstances where your daughter is most prone to “acting the bully.” It could be just a phase she is going through as well.

 

[Catholic80]

She finds the person that is least likely to stand up for himself in a given situation and then takes advantage of that person to her own benefit. Even when the other child starts to cry she does nothing to console the child. Then she acts like she doesn’t know why the child is upset or who caused it.

I just read this after I posted my last post.

That doesn’t scream anything outside the range of normal to me. I am a teacher and I see this behavior quite often. Children often want to get their way. Some have a little more vivacious and assertive/aggressive personalities than others.

 

[feed_me]

She has a sister that is only 16 months younger than her so she is constantly forced to share. She has also been raised around many chidren with visible and invisible disabilities so she sees that every day.

I’m going to spend more time thinking how I can make her successful. Thank you so much an I hope there are even more responses.

Did you try to ask her if maybe she could try to help those children with those disabilities, as in use her strenths to fill in the weaknesses that those children have, and not just look for those things that are weak for her to take advantage of.

 

[Delaine75]

No judgement here! My prayers are definitely with you. Sometimes it’s just a phase they go through (my nephew did!), but if you keep strong boundaries and a united front with your husband, plus clear and concise consequences EVERY time when she does something she’s not supposed to or exhibits inappropriate behavior, I have full confidence you will get it all under control. There are so many reasons why kids may act this way, and often times, it isn’t even anything to do with how the parents are raising them. Best of luck to you!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

She finds the person that is least likely to stand up for himself in a given situation and then takes advantage of that person to her own benefit. Even when the other child starts to cry she does nothing to console the child. Then she acts like she doesn’t know why the child is upset or who caused it.

How does she take advantage of the other child? Does she take toys away, does she get the child to do something he/she doesn’t want to do? What exactly makes the other child cry?

I think you are right to be concerned and if your inner radar is going off, you should keep an eye on her and make sure that you do everything you can to help her develop empathy. There are people who are born without that, unfortunately. And, there are people who know what empathy is, and who try to use others’ empathy to their own advantage. They are mostly selfish, some have narcissistic personality disorder. Some are sociopaths.

I am not saying your daughter is any of these. If she continues to treat others with disrespect, I think you might need to have her evaluated by a professional. It can be rather hard to do this without alerting the child to your concerns, but if it continues to really trouble you, I think you have to get professional help.

I’m glad that the one person’s daughter recovered but there are kids who don’t.