T
ToeInTheWater
Guest
There is a topic I am following in Moral Theology about a hypothetical (or perhaps not) relationship between an 18 year old woman and 45 year old man, most posters seem to be opposed to the idea, and many have assumed the man must be a sexual predator or close to it. However, some have also stated that such large age gap relationships, especially with an older man, are traditional and acceptable. Even the marriage of Mary and Joseph has been mentioned in support of this position.
Now, I have always been the type, until recently, to be more comfortable hanging out with people a few years older, in general, and find people my own age to be too immature and petty. Now, in my mid-30s, it seems most people my age have matured enough that I can get along with them.
But the widest age gap I’ve taken on dating-wise is a man 12 years older, and I eventually broke off the relationship because (1) we really seemed to have little in common except our jobs, and I didn’t think this was enough and (2) he actually struck me as rather immature compared to other men his age. I have considered men who are 5-6 years older than me, and would theoretically consider men 5-6 years younger, though I’ve never actually had a chance to date a significantly younger man.
From seeing what friends and acquaintances have done, it seems that age gaps of 10 years or so can work, but not much more than that; unless we are talking arranged marriage where the expectations are completely different. I think it also matters not just the age gap, but the life experience of the younger partner. A 28 year old dating a 40 year old, I think is not as problematic as an 18 year old dating a 30 year old, or a 16 year old dating a 28 year old (as an acquaintance from HS once did), even though the age gap is 12 in all these relationships. And certainly, a 14 year old dating a 26 year old would be grounds for criminal prosecution in most jurisdictions.
I have also unfortunately seen large age gap relationships where the older partner (most often a man) seemed to be predatory and taking advantage of the younger partner – in one such relationship, the woman was not only a teenager when she started dating a thirty-something man, she was from another country, and although they are now engaged, I wonder if this has something to do with the woman wanting a green card, more than actual affection for the man.
On the other hand, I am a fan of Jane Austen, and many of her heroines wind up happily married to men who are almost 20 years older. I also didn’t find the Edith/Sir Anthony relationship in DA to be at all scandalous, and even in-universe, those who opposed their marriage seemed to be more concerned about Sir Anthony’s war wounds and disability; after all, when he was hale and hearty in S1, he was even considered a possible suitor for Mary, the favored older daughter. But then again, these relationships took place in societies that did not subscribe to the “extended adolescence” of modern society, and women were not really expected to be independent at any stage of their lives.
So, I was curious as to what’s other CAF posters think about acceptable age gaps. I realize there ARE cases of people with very large age gaps having happy marriages, but they seem exceptional in many ways.
Now, I have always been the type, until recently, to be more comfortable hanging out with people a few years older, in general, and find people my own age to be too immature and petty. Now, in my mid-30s, it seems most people my age have matured enough that I can get along with them.
But the widest age gap I’ve taken on dating-wise is a man 12 years older, and I eventually broke off the relationship because (1) we really seemed to have little in common except our jobs, and I didn’t think this was enough and (2) he actually struck me as rather immature compared to other men his age. I have considered men who are 5-6 years older than me, and would theoretically consider men 5-6 years younger, though I’ve never actually had a chance to date a significantly younger man.
From seeing what friends and acquaintances have done, it seems that age gaps of 10 years or so can work, but not much more than that; unless we are talking arranged marriage where the expectations are completely different. I think it also matters not just the age gap, but the life experience of the younger partner. A 28 year old dating a 40 year old, I think is not as problematic as an 18 year old dating a 30 year old, or a 16 year old dating a 28 year old (as an acquaintance from HS once did), even though the age gap is 12 in all these relationships. And certainly, a 14 year old dating a 26 year old would be grounds for criminal prosecution in most jurisdictions.
I have also unfortunately seen large age gap relationships where the older partner (most often a man) seemed to be predatory and taking advantage of the younger partner – in one such relationship, the woman was not only a teenager when she started dating a thirty-something man, she was from another country, and although they are now engaged, I wonder if this has something to do with the woman wanting a green card, more than actual affection for the man.
On the other hand, I am a fan of Jane Austen, and many of her heroines wind up happily married to men who are almost 20 years older. I also didn’t find the Edith/Sir Anthony relationship in DA to be at all scandalous, and even in-universe, those who opposed their marriage seemed to be more concerned about Sir Anthony’s war wounds and disability; after all, when he was hale and hearty in S1, he was even considered a possible suitor for Mary, the favored older daughter. But then again, these relationships took place in societies that did not subscribe to the “extended adolescence” of modern society, and women were not really expected to be independent at any stage of their lives.
So, I was curious as to what’s other CAF posters think about acceptable age gaps. I realize there ARE cases of people with very large age gaps having happy marriages, but they seem exceptional in many ways.
