Almost 40 and still single. Is there any hope? Someone PLEASE help

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P-Dub78

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Hi all,

I am posting here, because I am hoping SOMEONE out there will have an answer for me, or be able to give me some advice, or point me in a dieraction that I hsaven’t already been in.

Here’s my story. I am 39 years, old, and for the life of me, I have just never been able to find a companion. I have not so much as ever even been in any kind of serious relationship. The extent of my dating life has been a girl I dated for a month 17 years ago, which I broke off because the girl had some mental issues, and I felt that I could do betther than that, and then last year, I dated a girl from a dating site, which was going in the right direction, but she broke it off because she lived 2 hours away, and her being out of work and such, dating anyone was too much for her.

Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of one day growing up and getting married, and having a family. I was still a teenager when my sisters got married, and I remember them calling when each of their kids were born, and them coming to visit, and me playing with all the kids, thinking to myself, “I can’t wait till the day comes that I have this”.

Fast forward to now, and I am 20 years out of high school, and still can’t so much as even get a girl interested in talking to me, let alone get to a point where I am seeing someone. I have one by one watched all of my cousins, second cousins, everyone I went to school with, everyone I played with on my street growing up, and even kids that I knew because they were kids of my parents’ friends, or coworkers, all get married and start their families one by one, year after year. My cousins all found their mates when they were in their early 20’s…as have most other people in my life I have known. Just 2 weeks ago, my second cousin announced the birth of her second child. She is in her early 20’s. As she posted the picture of herself on Facebook if her laying in her hospital bed with her newborn baby, and her other kid cuddled beside her, I thought to myself, “why can’t I have this?” Even my sister’s friends, who’s kids were 8 and 9 years old when I moved to Connecticut in '99 are all married, or at least in a relationship, and they all have kids, who are 4 and 5 years old now.
My question is, is there ANY hope for me at all when it comes to finding a companion? Or did God put me here to be alone?

I have had my profile on just about every dating site you can name, I’ve tried going out talking to girls in bars, I’ve tried joining singles clubs, I’ve gone to church activiteis, and as we speak I’m looking into seeing what activities the church has here in the town that I have just moved back to, just to try to get myelf out there and meet people. I even paid over $900 to join a dating service back in 2006, that turned out to be a complete ripoff. The very few dates I go on with people I meet on dating sites end up going nowhere.

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It has not been an easy pill to swallow watching everyone I know, one by one, year after year, all getting married and starting their families, and it’s like…why won’t God make tis happen for ME? Why did God choose ME to be the one that has to live my life alone?

I’m just going to be latently honest here and say this: If I was never meant to have a mate, and was meant to be alone my whole life, than quite frankly, I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to Lord to call me home. And at that, I don’t understand why he even created me in the first place if he never meant for me to have a companion.

On the other side of the coin, I have known many people in my lifetime, who have gone through bad divorces. They are paying child support on kids they don’t ever get to see, and them and their exes don’t get along at all. There are others who are in relationships, but they are not happy at all. So yes, I AM grateful for the fact that I’m not in an unhappy relationship, or that I haven’t gotten divorced, or that I’m not constantly at battle with an ex over kids, or living the life of many other stories I’ve been told. But on the other hand, there are people like my parents, and my aunts and uncles, who have been happily married for 30 or 40 years and still happy as ever. Yes…there are many marrieges on this earth that fail. But there are also ones that DON’T fail…so why can’t I be one of those who’s marriage DOESN’T fail, and be one of those ater in life saying they’ve been happily married for 30 or 40 years?

Many people have told me stuff like “you don’t want to live anymore because you don’t have a girlfriend? Come on, really?!” Well here’s the thing. It’s not that I don’t want to live anymore because I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t want to live anymore because I don’t want to live out the rest of my life being alone, and judging by the experience I’ve had up to this point, it’s looking like that’s how it’s gonna go. It’s not “not having a girlfriend” so much as it is:
  • Feeling loved, cared about and needed
  • kissing someone good night and waking up next to them in the morning and starting our day together.
  • Coming home and talking to hear about my day, and listening to how her day went.
  • Having someone to take to things like a company party, or a family reunion, rather than being the one that shows up by himself and seeing everyone else with their husbands and wives, and having people say stuff like “him and so and so are coming around 5”.
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  • Doing things like holding hands and walking along a beach.
  • Cuddling while watching a fireworks show, rather than just riding along with someone else’s family and being a third wheel, or listening to the fireworks going off at my house, because I didn’t bother to go because I didn’t want to go by myself, and being in tears wondering if there will ever be a time in my life where I will ever have someone that wants to be in my arms at a fireworks show like you see with all the other couples that go to them.
  • Announcing my engagement.
  • Sending out wedding invitations.
  • My family coming to my wedding to watch me get married. (My parents aren’t getting any younger…will they even be alive when and if my wedding day ever comes?)
  • Being able to call my parents and family announcing that we are going to have a baby, and again when the babies come.
  • My parents coming for a visit to see their grankids like they do with my sisters’ kids.
  • Having someone to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays with…doing stuff like going to her parents’ for Thanksgiving dinner, or inviting my or her family to MY Thanksgiving dinner, or having someone to bring to MY family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Watching my kids open presents on Christmas morning, and getting to be “Santa” and seeing them all excited in the weeks leading up to Christmas.
  • Buying a house together, and talking about the future of having kids in the house we’re going to buy.
  • Having kids, and teaching them how to swim, ride their bikes, go to their ball games, going to their school plays, taking them fishing, playing ball with them in the yard, having birthday parties for them where family and friends come over for a cookout, or we go to a skating rink or a pizza joint and watching them all have fun, and telling them stories of things we did that we enjoyed growing up, or having family movie nights.
  • Taking the family camping, or on a vacation, or a picnic.
These are all things that growing up, I thought that by this time in my life, I’d be at the point where all these things were happening!

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To be honest, if I had known that I would be this age and be where I’m at now, I would have lived my life a lot differently. An example of this:
Back when I was going to tech school, all my friends and room mates ever wanted to do was go out and party and hook up with grils. I had no interest in that. COUNTLESS times, I had opportunties to go out with them. Many times I heard the whole “Hey man…if you ever want to get laid or go out and party with us, You’re welcome to come on out, we’ll hook you up!” I turned them down every time they offered this, and they always made fun of me for it. But my mentality back then, was “I don’t WANT to “Get laid”, I want to SAVE myself for that special person that will one day be the love of my life, and be able to give her a special gift of her being my first”. At the time, I was very young, and had hopes of me also being HER first and having that “Special thing” together. (I mean seriously, anyone reading this who is a girl, wouldn’t you appreciate it if your mate came along, and he told you he’d been saving himself all that time because he knew one day that his special someone would come along, and that special someone was YOU?)
Had I known I would be where Im at now, I would have let them hook me up, and go out and partied with them.

I’m at a point in my life now, where if I’m not meant to have a companion in my life, I at least want to have sexual encounters like everyone else, but I don’t even know how to get a girl interested in me even for one night. Last year, when I went to see a friend of mine, we ended up going to a strip club, and I told him, if there’s any way he can hook me up with a girl here tonight, work your magic anf get me hooked up…he has game and knows how to work things, and somehow got me hooked up with one of the girls that worked at the strip club, and we snuck off into a back room and “did it”, acting quick so she wouldn’t get caught by her boss, before she went back to work. It’s a shame that that’s what it took for me to be able to have sex for the first time, and that it took me 38 years to be able to do it for the first time, but it was time to get it done…it was either that or still be a virgin at 40. And I have to wonder, “what if I’d have just let those college kids hook me up? By now I’d know what to say and how to talk to girls, because I’d have learned from them, and I’d be going out and having fun, rather than spending saturday nights stitting at home”.

All the time I think to myself, everyone else meets their mate in their 20’s…so why didn’t I? I’m a heating & Air conditioning technician, who for the past 20 years has gone into probably tens of thousands of homes…so why on all these service calls I’ve been on haven’t I at sime point ended up at some house where the girl that lives there is single, and we have hit it off?
I’m a DJ on the weekends…I’ve DJ’d in many bars, and I’ve DJ’d many weddings as well as other type of parties…why have I not met someone at any of these events?

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Why haven’t I, say met someone at a checkout line at a grocery store, or hit it off with a store cleark? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve hit on store clearks as they were ringing up my stuff?
I spent 4 or 5 years of my life hanging out at the campground with a group of friends that had a seasonal camp site, and hanging out at thet campground, met MANY people during that time…why did I never meet anyone during that time?
Why haven’t I “just by chance” ended up sitting next to someone at a concert or a party, who happened to be single and we hit it off?
When I lived in North Carolina, I worked for a very large outfit, where there were many girls that worked in the office, most of them taken of course…why couldn’t someone that worked there have been single, and I hit it off with one of them?

These are all things I say when people tell me things like “If you want to meet someone, put yourself out there and get out!” But my whole thing with that argument, is…most people I know havent “Gone out” to try to meet people. They met their spouse just living their normal life! And he examples I listed above are examples of me…just living my everyday life, and I just don’t understand why, during all these years, I’ve never had that “chance encounter” that so many people tell me has happened to them, which is how they met their spouse.

why did God not choose someone to be alone and without a mate that WANTED to be alone, or didn’t care whether or not they ever had a matre, instead of ME, who WANTS a family, and WANTS a companion?
At this point, to be honest, I’m ok with not having kids…I just want a mate! Someone to spend the rest of my life with so I don’t have to walk the earth alone and watch everyone ELSE live their lives with their partners.
To be quite honest, if I’m meant to be one of those people that are in their 50’s or 60’s and still never met the one, I wish I would just die. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying I’m ready to take my own life or anything like that…I just wish the Lord would not have even put me here on the face of the planet if he wasn’t going to create someone who wanted to be with me.

I have a lot of OTHER reasons to be happy right now - I’ve recently gotten to move back to me home state that I’ve missed so much, I have a job at a good company, I live in the nicest house I’ve ever lived in since I’ve been out on my own, I have a dog that is the sweetest dog you’ll ever know, I’m financially stable for the most part and my turck has been paid off for years and still runs great, and I live near a friend of mine who’s been a very good friend for the last 18 years. So yes…there IS a lot in my life that is good, but no matter how good life is for me…I will always feel incomplete as long as I don’t have a mate.
 
P-Dub78 said:
So yes…there IS a lot in my life that is good, but no matter how good life is for me…I will always feel incomplete as long as I don’t have a mate.
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I hope you apply 1% of the effort you put into bemoaning your lot in life into helping others. That would be huge!
 
My eldest was in his 40’s and very lonely, also very hardworking, when my prayers for him finally became, ‘dear Lord, if anywhere in the world, there is someone who will truly love and be right for him; and whom he will truly love and be right for, please, let them find each other’.

They did, after she began praying for my son through a difficult time, because she’d become fond of me through this very Forum…though she lived across the world. She emigrated. They married and are suited, and very happy together.

You spoke a great deal, though. I hope you also listen. 🙂 Whether single or married we need to be focused on the welfare of others.
We here, at the other end of an internet query, are unable to really tailor what you may need to consider because we cannot observe you. How often we might have been able to respond better if we had known the real person that we address.

For all of us, married or single, there is one goal, love God above all, others as self, with both prayerful and practical love…but yes, my eldest was not the only one of my of my children to find their life partner in their forties.

May God bless you in all things according to His loving will for you and through you.
 
You mentioned just about everything a nice young man could do, except you haven’t really said how you have prayed about this. (Unless I missed it, in which case I’m very sorry).

I met my (second) husband after being suddenly widowed on CAtholic Singles. HE had been a lifelong bachelor. We married when he was 45.
It’s never too late! You sound like a wonderful person, please don’t give up, but also understand that if you remain single for whatever reason, there IS a reason, a good one and GOd has a plan for your life. It may be something that never occurred to you, but it is NOT a futile or painful reason. It’s not because GOd wishes you to suffer
I have no idea what you are meant to be doing…but there is some good purpose to everyone’s life We just need to find it. I had despaired of finding a good and gentle man myself, as my first husband was very aggressive and cruel.
Then God worked in my life and brought us together. It was like a dream come true.
It IS a dream come true.
It can and may still happen. Please don’t despair. My husband just read your story and says he will pray hard for your intentions.
God bless.
 
Honestly, it took me a long time to respond to your post. I don’t think too many men will simply because we really don’t know your particulars. Your post “smells” vaguely of a lot of frustration and a bit of desperation. Women don’t gravitate to men who exhibit an aura of desperation. And the ones who do are probably looking more to “mother” a man than be the partner you claim to be looking for.

There is an adage; it goes like this: “at fourteen girls look for boys who are cute; at 40 women look for men who are kind.”
The only “advice” I would offer you is this. Be kind to people, do the simple quiet kind things that all people respond to. Where there arises an opportunity to lend a hand, do so. Smile at people just for the sake of expressing a feeling of happiness. Say hello and move on. Don’t do things for others for an ulterior motive. Especially women. Women “smell” insincerity just like they do desperation." There is a country/western song called “Always be humble and kind.” It is probably as good a piece of advice as all the “religious/spiritual” advice you might get here.

As to anything else. Take a good hard look at yourself. If you dress like you’re 25 and act it, that’s not attractive. Maybe you need new clothes, contacts instead of glasses, loafers or dress shoes instead of old running shoes, etc. etc. I don’t know, you do. And one last thing, be quiet, we are often tripped up by our own words. Kind and quiet is a bit mysterious. Many women find that appealing. It says there is more underneath. Give them an opportunity to find out.

Good luck and a prayer said for you.
 
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I am praying for you. Make sure you pray for yourself, too. Pray for God to send you a mate. Pray a novena to St. Raphael. He’s a matchmaker. Also, I realize this is not the same as a mate, but have you ever considered adopting older children? Single men can adopt. It would help alleviate your loneliness and open a whole new world of contacts for you.
 
No mother in the picture? Sorry, I disagree.
We see so many lonely women here…there’s likely someone out there for him.

Bless you!
 
You probably should ck out catholic Filipino brides.

They are looking for catholic men like you!
 
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Amen to this. Accepting where you are at now is the key to progress.
 
Many Filipino brides are catholic and believe in the family tradition it will open up a whole new opportunity.
 
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I have your age, I never had a girlfriend. Just like you, I really wanted to have one. Aproximately when I reverted to catholicism 5 years ago, and began to have scruples, that wish really vanished, went away. It’s really hard to be catholic, it is (I think) doubly hard to be catholic having a family, wife and kids. Think about it this way, God preserved you, not just for your future wife, He just preserved you from sin (of course maybe you fell a couple of times, me too, and later confessed). That is the way I think of it, regarding my life. Of course I don’t loose the hope to meet a girl. But I think I am called to be single. And if it is what God wants, then be it. Praying for you.
 
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For what it’s worth, I’m in the same boat, well, I’m only 38, but still. 🙂

I used to pray about it a lot, but I’ve pretty much given up. Praying about it lead to a slight increase in hope which ultimately led to more disappointment and me feeling worse about it. Every time something would happen that would lead me to believe things might be changing, a weird roadblock of some sort would pop up out of the blue and any progress would stop. It seems that God’s plan for human salvation hinges on my loneliness. 🙂

Seriously though, I think a lot of it depends on where you live. I’m in the Seattle area and it’s just terrible. Due to the ever expanding tech scene around here, for every 100 single women, there are about 144 single men. Odds are not in my favor. I’ll take my dog for a walk at a park and see a dozen or so other guys walking their dogs, maybe a few couples, but no “single” women. I’ll take various classes and there are always lots of guys in them, but no women. Church, lots of old people and families, but no potential mates there either. I’ve tried online dating as well and after several years, I’ve yet to get a response to an email I’ve sent someone. Hoping for anything to change seems futile.
 
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Please reread Genesis 2. God said “It is not good for the man to be alone”. Pushing aloneness on people is playing with fire with the nature that God gave us. The OP turning to the “dark side” by fornicating illustrates that. It is a clear example of what St. Paul said in 1 Cor. 7 regarding “it is better to marry than to burn” and “in order to avoid immorality, everybody should have their own spouse”. Sad that people are forgetting these basics.
 
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You mention “aloneness” so maybe I’m over reacting, but there’s a definite, huge difference between being alone and being lonely. As someone suffering from chronic, decades long loneliness myself, I can attest to this. Being lonely is something you can’t be happy with. Being alone, yes, you can, being lonely, no. For one thing it’s a health hazard. Recent studies show that chronic loneliness is more unhealthy than obesity, smoking, etc. People who suffer from it are 40% more likely to die prematurely. Is that something we should be happy with? Would you tell a cancer patient that they need to be happy with their cancer before they could get better? People who are chronically lonely are miserable and the only way to change it is to not be lonely anymore. For some of us, that seems an impossible task.
 
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BoomerangToo said:
Also, I realize this is not the same as a mate, but have you ever considered adopting older children? Single men can adopt. It would help alleviate your loneliness and open a whole new world of contacts for you.
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There is a currently a topic on this and the almost-unanimous consensus is that since children need both a mother an father, it is not a good idea for singles to adopt.
 
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