Almost 40 and still single. Is there any hope? Someone PLEASE help

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You’re right about the personal connection. However, that’s not unique to men. A woman might have a close personal connection to another woman, but unless it’s a relative like a sister, then when you hit your 20s, the relationship will likely get less close when one of you becomes seriously involved with a man and goes on to marry and have kids. If both women meet men, get married and start families, then the friendship will keep chugging along; if not, the woman who is still single will be in a situation similar to the one in “Frances Ha” where the main character’s best friend gets married, leaving her adrift without any close friends.
 
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Salutations,
Jeremiah 29/11. “I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU, IT IS A GOOD PLAN WITHOUT EVIL. IT HAS A FUTURE AND A PROMISE.”
Did you ask God if He wants you to be a priest or deacon? When you go to mass next, during communion, ask HIM. If you feel you are to marry and have kids, you can become a deacon. Your lack of success in meeting ppl, may mean you aren’t to have a marriage vocation??
It is better to meet your mate in your church.
Do not hate anyone but similar things make less conflicts. Chasity in a woman is good. Physically, that may not be available but there is a purity of heart.
Donate your time volunteering w charities. If you find someone bottle feeding “feed and grow” preemies in the Nusery, you have met a person w a kind heart.
Serve food at the Salvation Army. Habitat for Humanity? See, here you don’t pay as a dating site but you put yourself out there in multiple caring areas. Ppl doing that are givers, not takers.
God sees you as beautiful. Consider your looks. Are you neat? Is your hair style becoming? Is your complexion clear. Are your teeth respectable? I’m working on getting white teeth. Yellow is s turn off.
Your clothing style may be outdated. You have sisters, ask them to help you w image.
Career and income. Not to be greedy but a good salary is needed for a house, etc.? Same for your requirement, she will need a good career if yours is adequate. You’d need a two income marriage.
I’ll say this: I was a critical care RN for 44 yrs. We mostly went to church w kids. I worked nights, so CCD got missed. None of my 4 kids are going to church. 1 of the 4 is an Atheist. So, how would you feel bringing 4 kids into the world w love and they may be going to hell!! A stay at home, Holy Mom is better.
Make a list of preferences: no smoking, no alcoholic behaviors. Pure in mind and Spirit.
Meet families before surrendering your heart.
Love is Lust that doesn’t leave. Means NO PREMARITAL SEX! Sex before marriage is a sin.Plus,if you split up, there will be damage to your Spirits w a rejection at that level. Those feelings of butterflies in your stomach and weak knees happen off and on in life. It’s a chemical attraction. It is not love. Otherwise you’d dump one and go w new one. OOPS, got that magic feeling, again. Time to move on. NO! Date=NO SEX. If you have those feelings, that is good. Waiting teaches you perseverance, patience and you’ll find out what Love is.
Comfort in a social environment. Can you discuss things. Do you know how to debate and LOVINGLY DISAGREE. IF your Rep to her DEM. In today’s environment, you might skip that one.
Moral turpitude=do they believe in abortions? Do they plan to care for parents in your home. Or put them in nursing homes. What style of child discipline do both of you share? Teen age problems, philosophies in how to handle.
I hope that helps.
God of POWER & MIGHT, Holy Father, your child here needs your guidance in vocation. He needs Your direction for his life. Thank you for hearing and answering prayer.
In Jesus name.
Tweedlealice
 
Give your life to GOD.

Make HIM the focus of your day.

Not necessary to become a priest or deacon, but:

Go to Daily Mass;

Daily Holy Communion;

Monthly Confession;

Daily Rosary;

Daily prayers morning, noon, and night.

Search for a parish that has Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration and make visits to Jesus in the Monstrance.

Read Catholic authors such as Scott Hahn and Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. These people are excellent! [Check with Catholic Answers bookstore … and some of the reading is free and can be downloaded.]

Check your parish bulletin for courses and classes offered on church history, and other aspects of Catholic practices … not every parish has them but they are everywhere in every diocese.

Make yourself available to volunteer to help at parish activities.

AND, then, you may just meet someone … and see if a connection develops.

But PUT IT IN GOD’S HANDS.

“Lord, I am on your payroll.”

“Make me the way you want me to be.”
 
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Your story is an echo of mine. So I sympathize and understand the yearnings and deep longings for that companionship that seems to be the missing piece of what would make our existence “complete.” It’s in the simple things that we wish to share with another being, not to justify our existence but to solidify its meaning… to love. To be loved, to be adored and unconditionally be helped- for our companion to be the embodiment of the Lord’s special gift in our lives. To have that helpmate you can take pleasure in pleasing and teasing… (sigh)
I’ve prayed, and like you I’ve asked ‘where is he?’ ‘when is he gonna show up in my life?’ and yes, I too have signed up to dating websites and forced myself to be more social then I normally would (I prefer a quiet non-complicated existence) just to meet someone. I’ve always wanted to be married since I was a little girl, when I was 14 years old I thought it wisdom to “prepare myself” for that family and home. Which meant making myself ‘useful’ in learning to cook and run a household, dipping my hands and delving into amateur home repairs (e.g. piping, tiling, cement, using power tools, sewing, etc.) just to prove what a wonderful wife I’d be. I’m 35 and no husband or children so I’ve been struggling with the possibility that perhaps having learned those things wasn’t so much as to prepare for a family but to run a house by myself ← that’s what I keep telling myself. Single Catholic men in Bennington Vermont is low, and Church socials are usually made up of all very old people or couples and their little ones.
I know its agonizing, I know its lonely, but take heart that your existence means something dear to those already in your life. So while its great hearing a guy voice the things I have in my heart as well, don’t give up hope. Perhaps the one you are meant to be with is not ready yet. Nothing is beyond God, and only in looking at my life in retrospect can I appreciate events that have led me to a new location.

Praying for you and all the lonely souls!

Tanya
 
This is not meant to be superstitious or magical, but consider making a novena to St. Joseph.

My mom was 35, had not met anybody she wanted to marry, had turned down a few actually who she didn’t love, and had accepted that maybe marriage was not in the cards and she was okay with that. Her sister made a St. Joseph novena asking that my mom meet a good man. Mom met Dad within a couple months, completely out of the blue - he was on a business trip with some married guy she knew. They were engaged in two months, married within a year, and stayed happily together through all kinds of ups and downs till Dad died about three decades later.

Dad wasn’t a Catholic when they met, though he did convert, so don’t leave out that possibility when you’re looking. The bigger the pool of people you meet, the more likely you will find someone.
 
Some practical advice here.

Can you seek out older married couples who can mentor you? They can be from your church or relatives of yours. They get to know you and you get to know them and observe up close the marriage dynamics. Marriage is not all cuddles and long walks on the beach. There’s a lot of hard work involved. These couple, once they get to know you may introduce you to some eligible women.

In the meantime work on yourself so you have something to give to your future wife. Approach it from the point of view about what you can give to benefit your future spouse and not what you can take from her. It is about self-giving love after all.
 
Aye

You can’t always have what you want. Part of the lessons we grownups should have learned.
 
In Colleen Campbell’s book My Sisters the Saints, she shared her difficulty with infertility when she wanted to have a baby badly. In a conversation with her mom, she said that she can accept not having a child, it’s the waiting that’s the struggle. Long story short, she did have babies and now has four children. She also mentioned that she doesn’t know why she received that good news of a phone call while many women who dream to be mothers don’t.

I can’t speak for the OP, but for me the difficulty is similar. If God would tell me outright, I am not calling you to marriage, so stop praying and hoping for it, I accept it and no longer give myself false hope of achieving what I desire. I would continue trying to live a happy and meaningful life. After all, it is the status quo and God knows what is best for me.

The problem is, how to know when to stop praying and hoping for it. Because if it were not to happen, then why spend time praying and hoping for it when I could have used the energy to pray for something more worthwhile. I guess those are the kinds of thoughts that crossed my mind.
 
That is the hard thing about praying and hoping for something that might not be in our cards to have. My original post may seem like I idealize marriage or being with someone to be the ‘end all’ of happiness, but I know it’s not.
I know God has his plans for my life and the internal struggles to combat what I desire and what is good for me is a part of life’s journey. I just struggle sometimes with accepting that. For instance perhaps I’m called to be an awesome aunt instead of a selfless parent… Hence the no husband and kids.
I agree with an earlier poster that asserted that marriage is not all Peaches and Cream, it’s not, and the OP I’m sure knows that, but us lonely sometimes hit the valley of our loneliness when we perceive ourselves flying low … I say let’s put on those cool wombat suits and base jump this life!

Tanya
 
We are human and Christian so we must approach our problems according to reason and Faith, and not according to our passions, or our sensitivities.
So as a Christian our salvation must be our only business. In this perspective, how does your celibacy jeopardize your salvation? and if indeed there are perils what makes you believe that marriage is a solution to these perils? Or, like almost everybody, are you looking for marriage only to satisfy your desire for “earthly” happiness?
The Christian must know that in order to go to Heaven he must generously accept the deprivation of certain “earthly” happiness that God imposes on him, that is what is called “carrying his cross”, if you persist without a reasonable motive, but only By passion to reject your cross, know that it is Heaven that you reject as well.
 
God has a plan.

But we don’t know what it is.

So, we pray.

A LOT.

[Joke: be careful what you wish for.]
 
I don’t want to seem harsh, but I’m a single 34 year old woman, and based on what you’ve said, I don’t think I’d be interested in dating you. You might be nearly 40, but you sound a little emotionally immature.

I don’t want to “complete” anyone. That’s not my job. If you’re that unhappy and lonely without a partner, it says to me that if we were to start a relationship, you’d expect me to make you my whole world, because you’ve never learned how to be comfortable by yourself. I’m not 16, and that’s not how I expect a marriage to work.

I read an excellent book once that explained one of the principles of Ignatian spirituality - that of being “equal-minded.” That is, that you are equally willing to accept any of the paths God might ask you take. You might think you want marriage, but perhaps finding happiness lies in accepting whatever God has in mind for you and not always fighting against it.
 
A friend of mine is 47 I think, she’s older than me. Married for 5 years, has two kids. A four year old boy and a three year old girl. Her husband is either 2 or 3 years older than her. they began dating and were married within a year.
There is always hope.
 
Lara said:
For me, I wouldn’t likely be tempted to date you once you told me about the one night stand. It’s not just that you had it, but the way it happened with a friend arranging it. It would be far better to hear somebody was overpowered by a feeling of love while dating, than by a desire to meet a target of non-virgin by 40. As for the line, “…but it was time to get it done,” those words are painful to read. I hope you have confessed that sin.
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Yes, that part was particularly painful to read—I found it both profoundly disturbing and profoundly sad. I do hope the OP recognizes the grave immorality of such an act and how contrary it runs to the Catholic view of love and marriage.

I know that I am married and cannot relate completely, but I am always sympathetic to people in this boat. I had a very strong desire to get married ever since I had a crush on a girl in 2nd grade (who then moved away before 3rd grade and I pined over the idea of her for years). And I went through high school and early college as fairly socially awkward and clueless, always wondering when a girl would show interest in me and wondering when my “soulmate” would appear. And while in hindsight, that stage of my life seems quite brief, at the time it seemed never-ending.

I do think there is something to be said for letting go and not focusing on it so much. That’s what really got me out of the rut of wallowing in self-pity and unrequited love. Life doesn’t always (or ever?) go the way we plan for it to go.
 
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fin said:
In Colleen Campbell’s book My Sisters the Saints, she shared her difficulty with infertility when she wanted to have a baby badly. In a conversation with her mom, she said that she can accept not having a child, it’s the waiting that’s the struggle. Long story short, she did have babies and now has four children. She also mentioned that she doesn’t know why she received that good news of a phone call while many women who dream to be mothers don’t.

I can’t speak for the OP, but for me the difficulty is similar. If God would tell me outright, I am not calling you to marriage, so stop praying and hoping for it, I accept it and no longer give myself false hope of achieving what I desire. I would continue trying to live a happy and meaningful life. After all, it is the status quo and God knows what is best for me.

The problem is, how to know when to stop praying and hoping for it. Because if it were not to happen, then why spend time praying and hoping for it when I could have used the energy to pray for something more worthwhile. I guess those are the kinds of thoughts that crossed my mind.
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I’ve pretty much quit praying about it. My mom says I’ve given up, which I suppose is true and that I have no faith, but I deny that. For as much as I’ve prayed about it in the past with no change unless something would happen that would make me feel worse than before, I’ve come to the conclusion that God doesn’t want me to find anyone and if God doesn’t want me to find anyone, then no matter how much I pray about it, it’s not going to happen. All praying about it does now is provide me with a false feeling of hope which will ultimately lead to me feeling worse than I did before I prayed about it.
 
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Sarcelle said:
In the meantime work on yourself so you have something to give to your future wife. Approach it from the point of view about what you can give to benefit your future spouse and not what you can take from her. It is about self-giving love after all.
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Quoting for truth.
 
I’ve gone over all your posts in this thread. I’m surprised that your sentences are often in the passive voice or indicate your passivity (…unless something would happen that would make me feel worse than before; Every time something would happen that would lead me to believe things might be changing; the only way to change it is to not be lonely anymore. For some of us, that seems an impossible task; …if something good happens to you; I come home from work every day and just stay home because I can’t think of anything to do by myself…).

Essentially you have to make things happen. Things don’t just happen to you. Your buddies are married because they’re pro-active. Sometimes they’re led by their wives, but often they’ve made the first move.

There are tons of things that can be done in one’s recreational hours starting with eliminating television viewing. Developing a hobby would be one way to meet others even if you were alone most of the time you worked on it. Say you were to take up woodworking with a proper wood shop. You could sell one item on kijiji and discover there are women who will buy lovely wooden teaspoons or whatever. Or say, you took a second job on such as worker at the canteen at the local concert venue. There are many women working in the service industry. Basically, you shouldn’t stay home much if you’re looking to get married, unless it’s for a definite purpose, such as working on your hobby. The woman you want to marry won’t just happen to be in your home, unless of course you happen to hire a cleaning lady. That’s another way to get to know more women. Cleaning ladies tell their friends about the lovely guy for whom they clean house.

You really have to imagine what sort of woman you would like. Does she like staying home a lot. Why? Does she like sewing? Then start working at a fabric store. Does she like painting the house? Go and work at Lowe’s and sell paint at night. Or does she like the make up department at the mall? Then you go and work at the mall on Saturdays. If you haven’t thought about the hobbies your wife would likely have, you haven’t categorized women well yet. You may be thinking how she will look, but that is a common male mistake.

In my experience, many women are not ambitious. Do you want an ambitious woman? She would be out a lot when you came home from work. Do you want a university-educated woman? Do you want a woman who schedules her life or one who is spontaneous and can easily go where you would like? Do you want one who watches the tv shows you seem to like? She will likely be overweight. Head to the local co-ed gym and she may be trying to lose weight. Or work for Weight Watchers in your community.
 
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