Am I being selfish about marriage?

[Em_in_FL]

What is her master’s?

The universities around me offer 9 month to 18 month programs to master’s in what I consider “heavier” degrees, such as chem, bio, business, engineering, etc. Some degrees, such as teaching, can take as little as 2 quarters. Why will she need 3-4 years? How is she going from a nutrition degree to something else as a master’s?

Also, what do you mean by “she wants to homeschool our kids, but after that go to work” ?? After they are all grown up? If she is getting a science degree, that will be the same as starting at square one, unless she continues working/schooling during raising kids. Is she mentally preparing for only one or two kids early on, and then a return to the workforce?

Being about to graduate, dating a graduate, and having dated for that long, 3-4yrs says she has unresolved worries, IMO. Maybe she is not ready for marriage, or not sure she wants to marry you.

I agree with hasikelee… the idea of getting a master’s in an entirely different field, and then assuming she’ll be able to actually find work in that field AFTER homeschooling children (what, after at least 5-10 years) isn’t that reasonable.
Employers will look at that gap in employment on her resume and will definitely take that into account… and in some cases, after that period of time, this can make the entire degree obsolete.
Education for the sake of education is wonderful and admirable!.. but when considering the entire situation of factoring in a potential marriage and children… sometimes that can seem impractical.

 

[GraceDK]

I agree with hasikelee… the idea of getting a master’s in an entirely different field, and then assuming she’ll be able to actually find work in that field AFTER homeschooling children (what, after at least 5-10 years) isn’t that reasonable.
Employers will look at that gap in employment on her resume and will definitely take that into account… and in some cases, after that period of time, this can make the entire degree obsolete.
Education for the sake of education is wonderful and admirable!.. but when considering the entire situation of factoring in a potential marriage and children… sometimes that can seem impractical.

I’ll be sure to send a letter to my university professors who are over 40 years old and tell them their education has become “aged” and they are ready for retirement because their knowlege is no longer valid and their degrees are obsolete.
I dont think they know…

 

[LJN21]

I’ll be sure to send a letter to my university professors who are over 40 years old and tell them their education has become “aged” and they are ready for retirement because their knowlege is no longer valid and their degrees are obsolete.
I dont think they know…

They’ve been keeping up with the subject they teach so there knowledge is constantly growing and keeping up with the industry. What they were originally taught may no longer be relevant but the knowledge they have acquired working in there field for the last 40 years is irreplaceable.

 

[Just_Lurking]

In the field of counseling, a person typically has to work a year or two after completing their masters in order to get their license. So the 3 or 4 year time period might be including that as well.

 

[whatevergirl]

Suppose the roles were reversed and the OP was a woman…and she was waiting on her bf to finish with his master’s. Would we question why her bf wants a masters? The truth is…they may not have kids for a few years, after their marriage. If this young lady would like to get a masters…it’s her right and choice. This has nothing to do with ‘what is she going to use her degree for?’ Or when…or any of that. If this is something she plotted to do, then she follow it through.

To the OP–I would see where things stand a year from now. I will say that it doesn’t take 3 to 4 years to get a master’s. My 25 yr old nephew just finished up with his doctorate, and it only took him about a year to get his master’s. He is a brainiac, but still…masters programs don’t take as long as under grad, unless she is not going fulltime? It is great that you want to get married, but she needs to be on the same page…Keep communicating, and hopefully, things will work out. They always have a way of doing that, when we’re patient. God bless!

 

[GraceDK]

They’ve been keeping up with the subject they teach so there knowledge is constantly growing and keeping up with the industry. What they were originally taught may no longer be relevant but the knowledge they have acquired working in there field for the last 40 years is irreplaceable.

Maybe a stay at home mother can also do some reading and keeping updated during her years at home… is that really unthinkable? you also dont know how many children will arrive…
also there will be courses to help update knowlege…
And of course what a person learns is not made irrelevant after a 10 or 15 years… to say this is absurd… unless you have an education in computerscience or something like that.

 

[hasikelee]

Suppose the roles were reversed and the OP was a woman…and she was waiting on her bf to finish with his master’s. Would we question why her bf wants a masters? The truth is…they may not have kids for a few years, after their marriage. If this young lady would like to get a masters…it’s her right and choice. This has nothing to do with ‘what is she going to use her degree for?’ Or when…or any of that. If this is something she plotted to do, then she follow it through.

To the OP–I would see where things stand a year from now. I will say that it doesn’t take 3 to 4 years to get a master’s. My 25 yr old nephew just finished up with his doctorate, and it only took him about a year to get his master’s. He is a brainiac, but still…masters programs don’t take as long as under grad, unless she is not going fulltime? It is great that you want to get married, but she needs to be on the same page…Keep communicating, and hopefully, things will work out. They always have a way of doing that, when we’re patient. God bless!

I don’t know, whatevergirl, I would be worried if it was a man, too. It’s just so hard to get a good picture from an OP’s post, KWIM? What I am picking up on is a feeling of hesitation and maybe even dishonesty. For example, the reference that she wants to return to work but that she agrees with homeschooling. I would say she is either trying to placate him or she is not entirely on board about what marriage, parenting and working all require.

My DH is 100% supportive of me continuing my education to complete a masters and maybe even a ph.d. We’ve also brainstormed ways for me to volunteer and be involved in my degree path during motherhood so that if/when I want to, I can return to the workplace. I am not seeing the same “patnership” and “honesty” in the OP’s post.

I suppose if someone told me straight to my face that he/she wanted to focus entirely on school and not marry at this time, but still wanted to marry me, then it would be different. I could make a decision But is this really what OP’s girlfriend said?

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t know, whatevergirl, I would be worried if it was a man, too. It’s just so hard to get a good picture from an OP’s post, KWIM? What I am picking up on is a feeling of hesitation and maybe even dishonesty. For example, the reference that she wants to return to work but that she agrees with homeschooling. I would say she is either trying to placate him or she is not entirely on board about what marriage, parenting and working all require.

My DH is 100% supportive of me continuing my education to complete a masters and maybe even a ph.d. We’ve also brainstormed ways for me to volunteer and be involved in my degree path during motherhood so that if/when I want to, I can return to the workplace. I am not seeing the same “patnership” and “honesty” in the OP’s post.

I suppose if someone told me straight to my face that he/she wanted to focus entirely on school and not marry at this time, but still wanted to marry me, then it would be different. I could make a decision But is this really what OP’s girlfriend said?

Yes, that could be true. I think that if a woman wants to finish her masters, she should be able to…and I can understand her not wanting to do that and plan a wedding at the same time…both take a lot of time, attention, and commitment, so I can see her not wanting to mess up her studies. But, they could get engaged during her time in school…

It could be that she is not on board with marriage just yet. Everyone has to ripen at his/her own rate, though.

 

[hasikelee]

Yes, that could be true. I think that if a woman wants to finish her masters, she should be able to…and I can understand her not wanting to do that and plan a wedding at the same time…both take a lot of time, attention, and commitment, so I can see her not wanting to mess up her studies. But, they could get engaged during her time in school…

It could be that she is not on board with marriage just yet. Everyone has to ripen at his/her own rate, though.

I don’t know, I think the wedding plans fit into my school fine. It was the 1st trimester that affected my school.

I could just imagine the insecurities flying between these two people. To come forward and tell someone you are definitely ready to get married and have that person put up excuses (even valid ones such as school) has to shake you up a little.

And the girl is probably sensitive to someone telling her to delay/jeopardize/put off her education. I know I would be really sensitive to a guy even hinting that my education was less important.

But until they can both be fairly sure that they are being 100% honest to each other, and can sit down and talk about things plainly, I don’t see this getting very far without one of them giving something up.

 

[Em_in_FL]

And of course what a person learns is not made irrelevant after a 10 or 15 years… to say this is absurd… unless you have an education in computerscience or something like that.

Okay… then I’ll forgive your mockery of my comments…
I AM an electrical engineer, after all…

 

[LittleMother]

I guess my question is, am I wrong for wanting to get married so badly that I’m willing to push for it instead of just waiting for the “right time.” is there a “right time” or is it an idea that people came up with to push off marriage until they’ve accomplished all their desires without having a family to “tie them down”… all i know is that family seems to be at the bottom of priority lists these days and there are statistics to show, and I feel like the world tells me to wait, but God wants this to be top on our priorities like all the other sacraments

Neither situation is ideal IMO, for these reasons,

To be discussing marriage your relationship obviously must be serious. If you were to wait to get married for another 4 years about, there is a natural physical progression to relationships. It is going to be hard to keep away from sin during such a prolonged engagement. I’m certainly not saying that it can’t be done, but it would be very very difficult. Also, when you meet the right person & you both plan on marrying each other, it begins to feel unnatural to go home to separate places. You will feel like you’re ready to not have to say goodbye each night & not want to have to be apart. It is natural to want to be alone together. but spending time alone together can be a big occasion of sin especially when you know that you’ll be married eventually. I was very firm in my faith and totally committed to preserving my purity when I was engaged, I had no idea how truly hard it would be . . . and my engagement was for under 6 months!

If you were to marry now & her to continue her schooling, is there going to have to be a way to make sure you’re not expecting a baby before she finishes? You may just back yourself into a corner there. I’m not a moral theologian, but I don’t think finishing grad school constitutes a “grave” reason that would make NFP permissible, especially where your income would not be depending on it. If you do conceive right away & she has to stop schooling will it cause a resentment to build bc she feels like you tricked her out of her degree & now she’s stuck?

I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe a break from the relationship would be a good idea.

 

[ack]

I’ll have to agree with LJN21 here. A Master’s degree is not going to help someone who has been out of work and school for 15-20 years. Realistically, it’s very difficult to keep up with your field through independents study – nothing can replace the knowledge that you pick up from your networks of co-workers and instructors. It would also be extremely difficult to stay motivated and spend your time studying for a job that’s 15 years away.

No, not all of what she learns will become irrelevant after 15 years…but she will surely forget most of it if the knowledge is not used for that long.

I have a feeling that the OP’s girlfriend is simply not ready to get married yet. If she was ready to get married now, then she would find a way to do it, regardless of schooling.

Maybe a stay at home mother can also do some reading and keeping updated during her years at home… is that really unthinkable? you also dont know how many children will arrive…
also there will be courses to help update knowlege…
And of course what a person learns is not made irrelevant after a 10 or 15 years… to say this is absurd… unless you have an education in computerscience or something like that.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think we’re assuming a lot…how do we know she’ll be out of work for 15 years? How do we know that they will have children shortly after marriage? Maybe her husband to be will be laid off or something will happen, to cause her to need to use her degree sooner than later? If this woman wants to finish her schooling, that should really be the end of the discussion, in my eyes. Her future, is just that her future. She shouldn’t put today off, for something that may or may not happen in the future.

To the OP–If you choose to remain with her, while she is getting her masters, is really more the question. If you see a future with her, and feel she is worth the wait, or if she really wants to marry you, etc…that is the issue. Not her getting a degree. Her finishing her studies is her decision, she is not married yet. The real dilemma for you isn’t in if she finishes her studies, but rather on if you would be willing to wait, if she is the ‘right one.’

Just my two cents.

 

[bluerose]

Live a little bit more before being tied-down. Once the kids come, much of the fun slips away.

I’m sorry, but this irks me a bit. Perhaps I’m reading it wrong, but why is it assumed that life “ends” when marriage begins? Why is being married considered some kind of trap or bondage (“tied down”) and why do people think that one can only “live a little bit” if they’re not married?

And “much of the fun slips away” “once the kids come”??? Please! Our son (and by extension, the nieces and nephews we’ve helped care for over the years) never caused any fun to slip away… they’ve added to it.

I’ve been married for almost 20 years to the one person I feel makes my life complete and our fun and joy and happiness is wherever we are together, no matter if it’s an emergency room with a sick child in the middle of the night, or a romantic hideaway with a hot tub. If you think getting married is going to interfere with your life, then you’re not marrying the right person.

 

[Belgarion]

I’m sorry, but this irks me a bit. Perhaps I’m reading it wrong, but why is it assumed that life “ends” when marriage begins? Why is being married considered some kind of trap or bondage (“tied down”) and why do people think that one can only “live a little bit” if they’re not married?

And “much of the fun slips away” “once the kids come”??? Please! Our son (and by extension, the nieces and nephews we’ve helped care for over the years) never caused any fun to slip away… they’ve added to it.

I’ve been married for almost 20 years to the one person I feel makes my life complete and our fun and joy and happiness is wherever we are together, no matter if it’s an emergency room with a sick child in the middle of the night, or a romantic hideaway with a hot tub. If you think getting married is going to interfere with your life, then you’re not marrying the right person.

I agree. That perception of marriage is extremely annoying for me.

I am 19 years old, and I look forward to my wedding day. Nothing in this world could make me pick “living a little” over getting married and having a family.

Marriage is a joyous thing, and should not be viewed as a hindrance to living life. A spouse should not be viewed as a ball and chain.
anyone who thinks that way should spend 7 years watching everyone else happily pairing up while you get no such attention.

Yeah…lonely
Also, kids should not be viewed as an end to life either. So you tell me after someone in this conversation has kids (whether that be now or later) which one of those kids do you think shouldn’t be alive? Simply because the parents should “live a little”

 

[OldAgeGuru]

I don’t think the “fun” slips away but you do lose certain things in being married while you gain others. where you are mentally makes it feel like ones more of a loss or a gain, or a wash.I’m at the point where it’s a wash on some issues but a gain on others.

I feel for the girl in this situation, I also feel for the OP.
I dated a guy in college who was on the marriage track. I didn’t realize it for quite a bit. I talked about wanting to travel a little bit. Have an apartment that I wasn’t sharing with 6 of my friends and go to grad school after a year. I was enjoying my college life, going to the bars, and not really having any responsibilities to anyone. He talked about wanting to get married within 6 months of graduation and starting a family right away. The more he talked about it, the more I hedged, I ended up breaking it off soon after. The first few years of your 20’s are tough. You’re broke, living on your own, working at the bottom level of a job you probably hate but you need the experience to finally get somewhere better. You tend to feel a little lost and alone, even though your not.

I met my fiance ( 4 months to the day til we’re married as of today). I had lived a lot in the 3 years post college. I bought my first new car, had an apartment that i shared with 2 friends (but had my own room woooopeeeee) I learned how to pay bills, when to stop drinking, how to take care of myself when I was sick and make a quiche and got my first Masters. I dated some guys and realized what I did and didnt want from a relationship. Then I met my fiance. We were casual at first (mostly because it was long distance). Then he moved up here and we got serious. But I wasn’t considering marriage for most of the time we were dating, it was in the months leading up to us getting engaged that I realized I want to spend my life with this person. It wasn’t some grand cinematic moment it was when I was having an over dramatic (as I am prone to do) meltdown about something that I can’t even remember and he just talked me down from it. That was when I knew ( although I do tease him with the fact I will be trading him in one day for Jacoby Ellsbury since he has lots of money and could def. get me good seats at Sox games).

She might just not be ready. Some people aren’t ready to give up the “freedoms” that single life affords so early.
maybe you guys need to take a break to evaluate where you are with each other.

 

[SeekerJen]

I think we’re assuming a lot…how do we know she’ll be out of work for 15 years? How do we know that they will have children shortly after marriage? Maybe her husband to be will be laid off or something will happen, to cause her to need to use her degree sooner than later? If this woman wants to finish her schooling, that should really be the end of the discussion, in my eyes. Her future, is just that her future. She shouldn’t put today off, for something that may or may not happen in the future.

Indeed. We’re also assuming that should they marry, they would be fertile. In today’s world, that seems like a big and rather foolish assumption (see the Infertility thread). I put off my PhD for years longer than I had planned because I got married and we wanted to have children. Yeah…four years after we started trying to have a child, we still don’t have that child. Fortunately we went with our guts (after much prayer, at least on my part) and decided that I should go back to school. I’ve just finished my second year and have achieved PhD candidacy. I don’t know what I would have done without my work as a research assistant and my schooling as we were slowly and painfully determining that a biological child was not likely to happen for us. My work kept me sane. Had I been sitting around the house like a good little wife, waiting for someone that wasn’t coming, I would probably be on strong meds right now.

I think that the OP and his girlfriend need to sit down and have a long, serious talk. It sounds like she is perhaps more ambivalent than she should be and perhaps doesn’t want to marry the OP. If so, then she needs to set him free. It also appears that the OP does not have a proper respect for his potential future wife’s education. I agree with WhateverGirl that if the roles had been reversed, very few here would be questioning the man’s desire to continue his education.

 

[whiteknite]

Education should come first marriage later, Why the rush if you love her you will wait…
Its only right to say im sure if it was the otherway round she would wait for you.
While shes getting educated you have a few years to find out more about eachother before taking the big plunge…

 

[Jofantioch]

Let her realize her dreams!

You two need to sit down and talk about your dreams for your lives. I STRONGLY DISAGREE with those who say that her education won’t “be worth the paper it is written on.” If you are called by God to get an education in Christian counseling, then, by golly, don’t stand in His way.

Let her go and give her room to stretch her wings. The freedom will make her love for you deepen and may give her clarity.

Education is never a waste. Let her be the woman God made her to be. Resentment can kill a marriage.:twocents:

 

[ChristinaM]

Let her realize her dreams!

You two need to sit down and talk about your dreams for your lives. I STRONGLY DISAGREE with those who say that her education won’t “be worth the paper it is written on.” If you are called by God to get an education in Christian counseling, then, by golly, don’t stand in His way.

Let her go and give her room to stretch her wings. The freedom will make her love for you deepen and may give her clarity.

Education is never a waste. Let her be the woman God made her to be. Resentment can kill a marriage.:twocents:

I think this may be one of my favorite responses on this thread. In a few months I too will be trying to juggle graduate school and marriage. I believe that God is calling me to work in my chosen field and has given me the gifts to make a difference. I want to be able to hone those gifts and make my life’s work pleasing to Him, and grad school is the path to do that, for me. I’m not there yet, so I can’t say anything about juggling graduate programs and marriage, but many of the graduate students in my program are married. Clearly they’re finding a way to make it work.

3-4 years does seem like a really long time for a master’s. Most master’s degrees take 2 years. A non-thesis master’s can be finished in one. I anticipate finishing my Ph.D. in 5-6 years.

That being said, I don’t recommend a long engagement either. I would have married my fiance years ago had my mother not been so opposed to me marrying before finishing my undergraduate. A good priest explained to me that long engagements can become an occasion to sin, because it arrests the natural progression of the relationship (as a previous poster said). Your heart naturally desires the intimacy of marriage, but you’re not yet married. It’s difficult.

It’s a hard thing, but I agree with others on this thread that you and your lady may not be on the same page with regards to marriage. I know how she feels, I’ve been there. Being from a family where my mother never finished college and resented being a SAHM, I always associated marriage with being “tied down” and being “nothing but a housewife.” Fortunately my fiance was loving and patient enough to wait for me to grow up and get over those attitudes. It might not be a bad idea to talk this over with a counselor.