Am I being too sensitive about my weight?

[Katie1723]

Arlene:

…Sounds like he wants a trophy wife. Worse, he sounds like he thinks he “deserves” it and “needs” it. Does Little Miss Cheerleader have 3+1 children?
…Good luck.
You are beautiful just the way you are.

Arlene
No, you are not overreacting.

Not that I would want one, but is he a “trophy” husband? And I for one would LOVE to be DOWN to 150. I weighed that once…shortly after birth

I am sick to death of guys thinking we should be Victoria’s Secret material when they themselves look like they stepped out of “Field & Stream” after a long day

~ Kathy ~

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Well… I feel like I need to take up for my dh!! I know everyone means well, and all advice is based on only the information I have provided here. So let me say that my husband is a wonderful person, a bit shallow, yes, but means no harm. I am not physically abused–he would never hit me! I do not even consider myself verbally abused. He truly just says some stupid things sometimes, and I am trying to be forgiving. He was stunned that the comments he made about his secretary even affected me. I mentioned that we should go back to counseling, and that his comments brought back to the surface all of the problems that I think are there anyway and get overlooked. Truly he was at a loss. He just kept saying “I meant nothing by that!” He said that she mentioned it to him as he was standing by the microwave warming up his lunch and she was going out the door to workout. They talked about the gym for a brief minute and that is when she mentioned her weight to him. No big deal overall I think. To me the big deal was that he was obviously comparing (still).

I know the man has issues, no doubt. I think he needs to be in counseling and confronted about his obsession with appearances. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to change him in this area. All I can do is the right thing for ME to do, and not spend my time trying to change him, which is impossible. But I don’t know the right thing to do, I really don’t. I have gotten so insecure in this area, and that actually makes me focus in this area more than I should be. I don’t want to obsess about weight–there are more useful things I should be putting my mind to! But I feel like I am in a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of.

Anyway, thank you for all your posts. I can at least see that at least I am not over-reacting and that there is a problem here we need to address. Where to go from here… I don’t know.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Since no one answered my last post, I’m wondering if everyone is just thinking “Good luck with that lady, you’re husband’s a jerk.”

What is the general consensus here? Should I just get us in counseling as soon as possible?

DH truly does not think he has a problem but there IS a problem there or I wouldn’t feel this way. He says that my insecurity about my weight is my issue that I need to work on and has nothing to do with him. Last night we were watching tv and one of those horrid Victoria’s Secret commercials came on. He didn’t even try to hide his ogling. It made me sick. In fact, I was talking to him and he zoned out and didn’t hear a word I was saying b/c he was staring at the tv. Then yesterday at the park with our kids he was standing next to a mom while they were pushing kids on the swings. Later he commented to me about her body–it was so strange-- but I’m used to this kind of thing from him. Said “She has a strange body–big boobs and tiny ankles”. It’s sooo weird!! He said he wasn’t even saying she was attractive, just making a comment. But come on… the man claims to be a Christian–is this how Christian men should be acting? Should he even be looking at other women’s bodies? I mean, I guess sometimes you just notice other people, but it’s like he dwells on it, and doesn’t try to avert his thoughts and that is what bothers me. ugggh. I just went to bed last night totally disgusted with him and thinking I never want to have sex with him again.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Hmm, funny how he thinks “your” insecurity about your weight is only your problem and has “nothing” to do with him. Gee, it sounded like in your first post that you were attempting to lose those last ten pounds of baby weight (which, can I point out that some people gain exorbitant amounts of weight during pregnancy and end up having to diet down from astronomical places–so ten pounds isn’t exactly the end of the world) and he took it upon HIMSELF to whip up his five page email and start demanding his entitlement to a “hot” wife? Then as you’re sitting pregnant with HIS fourth baby, he decided to look gravely concerned while you tell him happily that you’ve only gained such and such amount of weight during this particular pregnancy. He then proceeds to compare your weight and height with that of a FORMER PROFESSIONAL CHEERLEADER who has most likely never borne children in her life!!! What sort of insensitive maniac does that sort of thing and then washes his hands of any responsibility? And any husband who can’t even carry on a conversation during a Victioria’s Secret commercial…oh my. Just an FYI, my husband immediately flips the channel when that kind of trash comes on. There ARE men out there who hold themselves to a higher standard.

I don’t know if this has always been part of your marriage or if it’s a more recent thing, but obviously he somehow decided at one point or another that his opinion of women’s bodies, whether it be his wife or the lady at the park or even his secretary, is important enough to share and analyze openly. Personally I think that kind of arrogance has to come from a major-sized ego.

There is definitely a problem and it appears he isn’t taking ownership of it whatsoever. Even if he won’t go to counseling, you should, because you need guidance to know how to deal with his insensitivity and outrageous expectations.

 

[goldenautumnday]

Two books that I found good reading on this subject are “Couples in Love” and “Every Man’s Battle” which deals with the overload of sexual imagery presented daily to men. I also plan to read more about John Paul II’s Theology of the Body which I have heard good things about. I have not read the Christopher West book, yet, either. That is on my list, too!

If your husband read any of these, I think he would understand more how much he has hurt you.

Paul

 

[Consecrated]

Lone Catholic:

Well… I feel like I need to take up for my dh!! I know everyone means well, and all advice is based on only the information I have provided here. So let me say that my husband is a wonderful person, a bit shallow, yes, but means no harm. I am not physically abused–he would never hit me! I do not even consider myself verbally abused. He truly just says some stupid things sometimes, and I am trying to be forgiving. He was stunned that the comments he made about his secretary even affected me. I mentioned that we should go back to counseling, and that his comments brought back to the surface all of the problems that I think are there anyway and get overlooked. Truly he was at a loss. He just kept saying “I meant nothing by that!” He said that she mentioned it to him as he was standing by the microwave warming up his lunch and she was going out the door to workout. They talked about the gym for a brief minute and that is when she mentioned her weight to him. No big deal overall I think. To me the big deal was that he was obviously comparing (still).

I know the man has issues, no doubt. I think he needs to be in counseling and confronted about his obsession with appearances. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to change him in this area. All I can do is the right thing for ME to do, and not spend my time trying to change him, which is impossible. But I don’t know the right thing to do, I really don’t. I have gotten so insecure in this area, and that actually makes me focus in this area more than I should be. I don’t want to obsess about weight–there are more useful things I should be putting my mind to! But I feel like I am in a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of.

Anyway, thank you for all your posts. I can at least see that at least I am not over-reacting and that there is a problem here we need to address. Where to go from here… I don’t know.

Tell you what, Lone, you are MY HERO! Your honesty about yourself and your selflessness shine through. Your husband and your marriage will only be aided by the attitude you currently have. The best thing you can do (besides praying!) is keep talking, communicating, with your husband and listen to him in return. Keep trying to understand where he’s coming from, and that way when you DO go to a counselor you will be better able to p(name removed by moderator)oint the things that hurt you. I agree with you that the major issue, from what you’ve said, seems to be the fact that he is comparing you with others, and with numbers.

The fact that you and your husband are one in marriage makes your insecurity an issue for BOTH. If he loves you he hopefully will get to the point that he realizes as your husband it is his duty to HELP you overcome it. He can start by admitting that somethings he says and thinks are just plain hurtful, WRONG. And yes, I think a good Catholic counselor would be helpful in pointing this out to him!

You are a very forgiving woman. That is a good thing. Don’t let the world convince you that to be forgiving means to be a “doormat” wife. And since you love your husband, I’m sure you want him to be the best man he can be. And in this area at least, he could use some help!

Also, don’t forget about the power of prayer! God and the Blessed Mother can change what you can’t.

And though others have made this quite clear, I also will say YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!

 

[Celia]

Princess_Abby:

Hmm, funny how he thinks “your” insecurity about your weight is only your problem and has “nothing” to do with him. Gee, it sounded like in your first post that you were attempting to lose those last ten pounds of baby weight (which, can I point out that some people gain exorbitant amounts of weight during pregnancy and end up having to diet down from astronomical places–so ten pounds isn’t exactly the end of the world) and he took it upon HIMSELF to whip up his five page email and start demanding his entitlement to a “hot” wife? Then as you’re sitting pregnant with HIS fourth baby, he decided to look gravely concerned while you tell him happily that you’ve only gained such and such amount of weight during this particular pregnancy. He then proceeds to compare your weight and height with that of a FORMER PROFESSIONAL CHEERLEADER who has most likely never borne children in her life!!! What sort of insensitive maniac does that sort of thing and then washes his hands of any responsibility? And any husband who can’t even carry on a conversation during a Victioria’s Secret commercial…oh my. Just an FYI, my husband immediately flips the channel when that kind of trash comes on. There ARE men out there who hold themselves to a higher standard.

I don’t know if this has always been part of your marriage or if it’s a more recent thing, but obviously he somehow decided at one point or another that his opinion of women’s bodies, whether it be his wife or the lady at the park or even his secretary, is important enough to share and analyze openly. Personally I think that kind of arrogance has to come from a major-sized ego.

There is definitely a problem and it appears he isn’t taking ownership of it whatsoever. Even if he won’t go to counseling, you should, because you need guidance to know how to deal with his insensitivity and outrageous expectations.

DITTO!

(You’re a more forgiving woman than I, Lone. I have a feeling that if I was sitting there pregnant with my fourth child and my husband compared me to his cheerleader secretary…I don’t want to think about what I would say to him probably not something very charitable and Catholic that’s for sure!! )

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Well, I’m afraid I’m not being too forgiving today. I have had a horrible morning! I had a new couch delivered today (that I have wanted to buy for a couple of years now). The delivery guy got dirt all over my carpet that I just shampooed, then knocked over the Christmas tree, breaking ornaments and spilling water out of the stand! Then when we took the plastic off the couch, there was a huge tear in the back! After he left, the tree fell over AGAIN and I can’t get it back up!!

I talked on the phone a bit this morning to my dh about the issue at hand (which he was surprised was still an issue from last night–the victoria’s secret commercial). He said he looks at the women there like he would if a nice car went by. Nice–women are like cars–objects. And I guess they are the Jags and Audis and I am the minivan. Not his first choice, but he’ll take it for now, it serves the purpose. He can always close his eyes while having sex and pretend I’m an Audi. And what’s to stop him from trying to polish up the minivan and make it look as good as possible. Never mind that it’s dirty from taking him on a special trip (or that his wife has 10 pounds on her from giving him 3 beautiful children). Great analogy hubby. Now I feel MUCH better.

 

[Anglican77]

Let me just say that there have been studies and polls that show 80% of women (perhaps in the US, but I’m not sure) are insecure about their appearance. It may not always be weight issues, but I’m sure that makes up a large chunk of them. Victoria’s Secret, men’s magazines such as FHM, Maxim, Sports Illustrated, etc. are definitely to blame because they airbrush and manipulate women’s bodies so that they are flawless. We will never measure up to those women. I sympathize with you completely and this is definitely something I have struggled with. I’m not married, but I have had about 3 long term relationships in each of which I went anywhere from a size 4 up to 16. I always took offense at the subtle or not so subtle comments about when I am going to work out, what am I eating, etc.

I remember visiting my relatives in Spain and the last time they saw me I was a size 6 and this time had gone up to a 12 or 14. They were relentless about telling me how fat I had gotten. Seriously, the conversation went something like, “Wow, you have really gained a lot of weight. I mean a lot of weight. Your face is really fat and so are your legs.” They were so honest that it didn’t offend me and besides, I knew it was true. There is a distinct cultural difference there. I think in the US, we like to sugar coat everything. At least, that has been my experience here.

My advice to you is to be honest with your husband about how you feel (it seems you have done that), and suggest that you both strive to live healthier lifestyles and maybe start a workout program together after the baby is born. The importance is not to place the burden completely on you, make him be a part of this.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Let me just say that there have been studies and polls that show 80% of women (perhaps in the US, but I’m not sure) are insecure about their appearance. It may not always be weight issues, but I’m sure that makes up a large chunk of them. Victoria’s Secret, men’s magazines such as FHM, Maxim, Sports Illustrated, etc. are definitely to blame because they airbrush and manipulate women’s bodies so that they are flawless. We will never measure up to those women. I sympathize with you completely and this is definitely something I have struggled with. I’m not married, but I have had about 3 long term relationships in each of which I went anywhere from a size 4 up to 16. I always took offense at the subtle or not so subtle comments about when I am going to work out, what am I eating, etc.
.

Maybe some women are so insecure because their husbands do things like write five page emails to them (just after they’ve birthed a baby) and critique their efforts to lose the last bit of weight and then whine about how they deserve a “hot wife.” Or, as you mention, boyfriends take inventory of how much their girlfriends eat and when they’ll be getting to the gym.

I don’t blame entirely the prolific advertisements that unrealistically portray women. Sure, that might be partially to blame. But it sounds like women who are truly suffering insecurity seem to be in relationships where they are not respected and held to industry standards that are simply not reasonable.

Personally, I don’t feel insecure when a VS commercial comes on because a) I think it’s trash and I feel sorry for any woman who would degrade herself in that way and b) my husband doesn’t stare mesermized at the tv and nor does he become unable to hold a conversation while looking at women bouncing around in bras and heels–oh wait, he doesn’t look at women bouncing around in their bras and heels.

Furthermore, I am sorry to hear that you allowed your relatives to be “relentless” in their estimation of your appearance. Mentioning a concern for someone’s health, charitably, and maybe one time only is certainly reasonable. But constantly remarking about how fat somone’s body is, with great detail as to where the fat happens to be, cannot be described as kind or helpful. Nor would I give them liscense for this rudeness and chalk it up as just a cultural difference.

Also, to the OP: are you tired of your husband constantly being “surprised” that his rude remarks are still an issue the next day? I’ve noticed you have mentioned him choosing to take that approach each time you address the issue with him. He’s either extraordinarily insensitive or he’s not making the effort to quit the comments and/or allow you your feelings about his statements.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Anglican77:

My advice to you is to be honest with your husband about how you feel (it seems you have done that), and suggest that you both strive to live healthier lifestyles and maybe start a workout program together after the baby is born. The importance is not to place the burden completely on you, make him be a part of this.

I have no problem with trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I eat better than he does right now and work out more than he does right now. My problem is being compared to other women and always feeling that I don’t measure up to his standard.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Princess_Abby:

Also, to the OP: are you tired of your husband constantly being “surprised” that his rude remarks are still an issue the next day? I’ve noticed you have mentioned him choosing to take that approach each time you address the issue with him. He’s either extraordinarily insensitive or he’s not making the effort to quit the comments and/or allow you your feelings about his statements.

OF COURSE! I’m tired of the whole thing. I just don’t know what to do about it. He totally does not want to take responsibility for his actions. He says he will “stop” because he wants me to feel loved. My problem is that he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his attitude to begin with. So even if he doesn’t very obviously stare at a commercial in front of me, even if he doesn’t comment on some other woman to me, I KNOW how he feels. He just said in an email to me that there is nothing wrong with him wanting a pretty wife, because he married a pretty wife. That he just wants me to look like “me.” Well, I’m sorry the me of today does not look like the me that he married. What I want is for him to still think I am beautiful, even with the wear and tear of childbearing and age. Not for him to excuse it by saying he only wants the best “me”. PLEASE. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I totally regret ever marrying him, but here we are about to have 4 children, trying to be a Christian couple, trying to be the one of the few people we know who actually STAY married. But all I can think is that I know there are men who would love to be married to me, who would appreciate me, adore me. I have been adored before, just never by my husband.

So what do I do? Choose to forgive, over and over and over? That would be the Christian thing to do, right? I have no choice. Otherwise, I stay bitter at this man for the rest of my life, b/c he is obviously not going to change. I am at the end of my rope. If we did not have children together and if I were not Catholic, I would be out of here.

 

[Didi]

Lone Catholic:

…I stay bitter at this man for the rest of my life, b/c he is obviously not going to change. I am at the end of my rope. If we did not have children together and if I were not Catholic, I would be out of here.

First of all, I’m so sorry for the hurt in your marriage.

I chose the above quote because you can’t change your husband, but God can.

You obviously saw something in this man in order to marry him in the first place. Our job as spouses is to help each other get to heaven.

The power of prayer is amazing. Pray for him often during the day. Put him on your church’s prayer alert. Ask all your friends and relatives to pray for him. When he says something hurtful to you, whisper a prayer “Father, forgive him…”

On a practical side, when he says something hurtful, call him on it right away. “Why would you say something like that to me?” “Don’t you know how much that hurts me to hear you say that?” Put the ball back in his court.

For me, one who was never able to carry a child to term, I think pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world! I don’t see the weight, I see the amazing miracle of a new life growing inside and the fact that you are sharing your body with another person for nine months!

When you feel down about your body as it is now, go onto a pro-life website and read about how your baby is developing. As you read about the miracle occuring inside you, ask yourself if you are willing to do anything for that baby to be born healthy, including adding a few extra pounds.

God bless you during this difficult time. I think you have received some other wise advise about seeking counseling, but if your husband won’t go for it, please don’t forget the power of prayer!

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Didi:

When you feel down about your body as it is now, go onto a pro-life website and read about how your baby is developing. As you read about the miracle occuring inside you, ask yourself if you are willing to do anything for that baby to be born healthy, including adding a few extra pounds.

I don’t feel down on my body as it is now. I would GLADLY gain pounds for another beautiful child. Even when I am not pregnant, I don’t get down on my body. The cycle has been this–I feel good about myself, He tears me down, I get over it and on with life, Start feeling good about myself, and… you guessed it. Back we go again.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Oh, but yes, good advice about the prayer. I am praying daily for his conversion (still Protestant–I converted a couple of years ago). I suppose I should offer up the hurt for his conversion. I know it sounds horrible but I just get so tired of offering up everything for his conversion. I feel like I just have to keep “getting over it” in the effort to offer something up for him.

 

[siamesecat]

Katie1723:

I am sick to death of guys thinking we should be Victoria’s Secret material when they themselves look like they stepped out of “Field & Stream” after a long day

~ Kathy ~

I so agree! Women are expected to be so hot and kept up when men can get the pot belly and look like a middle aged guy! I hope that if I get married we both work hard to stay in shape.

 

[TZiggy]

The answer to your question is “yes” you are being too sensitive about your weight.

My gosh woman, you’ve had three kids and are going on four!

First consider the fact that having children has a profound effect on your body.

When I married my wife she was 98lbs. Four kids later, she’s 140.
Could she lose weight? Yeah, probably.

Would I be able to squeeze three kids out of my body, breast feed them, have another 11 months later, and look like “Mr. America”.
NO!
With three kids (and one on the way) do you really have time to excercise?
Will your husband provide you time, take care of the kids, do laundry, fix meals, clean house etc… while you go excercise.

If so, I say LET HIM HAVE IT and take some time to yourself.

But from a mans point of view, the true beauty of a woman has nothing to do with weight.
Be patient, it sounds like your husband has some growing up to do.

 

[SemperJase]

Lone Catholic:

The delivery guy got dirt all over my carpet that I just shampooed, then knocked over the Christmas tree, breaking ornaments and spilling water out of the stand!

I talked on the phone a bit this morning to my dh about the issue at hand (which he was surprised was still an issue from last night–the victoria’s secret commercial).

Am I getting this right, a delivery man messed up your house, then you talked to you husband about the body image issue? If that was the order, I feel sorry for your husband. Poor guy. That is a no win situation for him.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

SemperJase:

Am I getting this right, a delivery man messed up your house, then you talked to you husband about the body image issue? If that was the order, I feel sorry for your husband. Poor guy. That is a no win situation for him.

Hahahahaha. Good point Semper Jase.

 

[Princess_Abby]

So are you going back to counseling, LC, or what’s the plan?