Am I being too sensitive about my weight?

[carol_marie]

Rayne,

What you’ve posted certainly puts things in perspective.
God Bless you,
CM

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Wow Rayne. Thank you so much for sharing that.

You are also very perceptive. Yes, he was very spoiled as a child, and up through the time that we married. He has always been well taken care of by his parents, and he has a very hard time when he doesn’t get what he wants.

God bless you and thank you again for your words.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Lone Catholic:

By the way, dh did say he would stop with any comments. He really has not said anything about me needing to lose weight since our little altercation back last February that sent us to counseling. I think he knows not to come out and say anything. My problem is that I KNOW he still feels those things. He still will readily admit that it is a NEED of his, to have an attractive spouse, and he will not apologize for saying he needs this or for encouraging me to look my “best”. But having him never relent on these feelings, following by the gaping at VS commercials, talking about other women’s bodies, little comments… each little thing, which in and of itself would not be THAT big of a deal… just sends me spiraling down.

And about refusing to have sex-- This is a HUGE issue to me. The LAST thing I want to right now is to be intimate with him. ugh. It is not to me a way of punishing him, I just can’t bear the thought of it right now.

LC,
Have you ever told your husband how much it kills your spirit to know either by his comment, action or admission that you somehow aren’t good enough for him?

Does your husband understand that beauty is purely subjective? His idealized standard (or maybe his imagination) seems to be dictating what you should be. What about your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your hair or your cute little toes? How do ten extra pounds suddenly ruin all the rest of you? (Hint: It doesn’t.) As for his “NEED” for a pretty wife–doesn’t he HAVE a pretty wife? My father is a lawyer and my husband is an engineer, so I totally understand the “logical male mind”–but this logic of his isn’t making sense. That just because you aren’t dressed to the nines at every hour of the day nor 125lbs, he’s somehow being cheated of what he deserves???

Have you told him that knowing how he feels about you ruins your desire for intimacy with him?

Would he be willing to agree to stop looking at other women? Whether it be a commercial on television or analyzing his secretary’s body or the woman at the park or those rare “nice car” types who apparently catch his eye? Is he able to see it as an issue of fidelity to you?

Rayne’s insight makes a lot of sense, too.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Princess_Abby:

LC,
Have you ever told your husband how much it kills your spirit to know either by his comment, action or admission that you somehow aren’t good enough for him?

Yes I have. He claims that he is not saying that I am not good enough for him.

Princess_Abby:

Does your husband understand that beauty is purely subjective? His idealized standard (or maybe his imagination) seems to be dictating what you should be. What about your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your hair or your cute little toes? How do ten extra pounds suddenly ruin all the rest of you? (Hint: It doesn’t.) As for his “NEED” for a pretty wife–doesn’t he HAVE a pretty wife? My father is a lawyer and my husband is an engineer, so I totally understand the “logical male mind”–but this logic of his isn’t making sense. That just because you aren’t dressed to the nines at every hour of the day nor 125lbs, he’s somehow being cheated of what he deserves???

He says that he does think I’m pretty. He gets exasperated with me in conversations about this and says “I tell you you’re beautiful all the time! I think you’re beautiful!” But if this is the only time I hear it (in defense mode) it makes me less likely to believe he truly feels it. Or if I see him ogling a VS model, it makes me think that if that is what he finds attractive, he can’t also think I’m beautiful, because a VS model I am not!! Or if he compares it to looking at a nice car, it makes me feel like a beat up jalopy. And I do try to dress nicely, put on makeup, not hang out in sweats all day. I try very hard with what I have to be attractive.

Princess_Abby:

Have you told him that knowing how he feels about you ruins your desire for intimacy with him?

i think i have, but it always goes back to him saying “I DO think you’re beautiful” (Especially right now, can we have sex?)

Princess_Abby:

Would he be willing to agree to stop looking at other women? Whether it be a commercial on television or analyzing his secretary’s body or the woman at the park or those rare “nice car” types who apparently catch his eye? Is he able to see it as an issue of fidelity to you?

He has agreed to stop. He actually wrote me an email the other day (we correspond by email alot, have you noticed? it’s the best way for us to talk, without kids interrupting, and helps me say what i feel without erupting into tears to the point that i can’t talk) In his email he said that he admits that he struggles with it and will make more of an effort to stop, although he does say he doesn’t see it as a “problem”, that it’s normal, all men are like that, etc. etc. But still, that looking at other women always takes away from your wife, he doesn’t believe in “look, don’t touch”…
So I guess now, the ball is back in my court, to once again forgive… like I did back in February when I got that half-*** apology. But to me, now it’s not really an issue of forgiveness, because truly I think I do forgive him, but I do still have alot of hurt stemming from all of these actions on his part, and that is what I don’t know what to do with. I can’t just hop back in the sack with him and act like nothing ever happened. I can just see this as a cycle in our marriage. I forgive, I get over it, I start feeling better about myself, I start believing that he thinks I’m beautiful, then something is said that brings it all back down.

I don’t know, I’ve talked this to death now, and you’ve become my personal counselor (will I be getting a bill?) maybe i’m just making a huge deal out of something that is nothing. there are so many horrible things in the world… this is like an ant hill compared to so many other things. I think I just need to get over myself and move on. I mean, I do know, when I rationally think it through, that I am a healthy weight, I have these beautiful children and so many other wonderful blessings… nothing else should really matter, even his stupid opinions, really. I mean, God surely doesn’t care if I’m 10 pounds overweight a year after having a baby! It won’t keep me out of heaven (unless I keep obsessing about it and allow it to become a sin which I think I’m bordering on)… so perhaps i should just get over it, pray for him, and pray for myself to not let his opinions sway my thought pattern.

ta da! am i healed?

thanks for bearing with me!

 

[Princess_Abby]

His opinion matters to you because he IS your body. You are one flesh. What greater hurt then to feel rejected by your very own body? (I’m not saying this to make you feel worse, just to validate your feelings. But, like you, I can get sick of feeling a certain way and simply need an emotional break sometimes from “overthinking” a topic that distresses me.)

Anyway, we can certainly stop talking about this, but I will offer just one last suggestion:

Does your husband have any solid Christian male fellowship? Something like a men’s group within the parish or his place of worship? My husband was a member of a men’s group for quite awhile on the east coast, and he said it was great to have the moral support from other men who were seeking to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. They would meet once a week and just talk about their lives, struggles, good things and bad things–whether it be the joys of marriage and family life or the hard time we all have living in a secular world trying to be good Christians. He really misses that support and I know it was important to him. (We moved this summer and he’s been super busy, but he’ll look for another one to join again after the baby comes, probably.) Maybe you could suggest to your husband that he reach out to a group such as that. It might give him the support he doesn’t even realize he needs–to love you with the love of Christ and without worldy condition.

Secondly, do you have a circle of good Catholic women friend? (As a mother of three and pregnant with her fourth, you might feel like throwing a shoe at me for even implying you’d have time for friends right now.) Being the “lone Catholic” in your family must be really tough and it may be hard to relate in some ways to other women who don’t share your faith specifically. Just as a suggestion, you might consider joining a women’s bible study or even the women’s organization–which is more social than spiritual. I think being supported by women friends when connecting with your husband about this very sensitive issue might help you regain and maintain your confidence. It will remind you of the beauty in your vocation and most especially your personhood.

As a last thought, remember that in your vocation as a wife to your husband the most important goal is to sanctify your spouse. In other words, to help him get to heaven. These opinions and actions of his are an enormous burden to your heart and soul. But do not minimize the power of a praying wife and recognize that your suffering does not go without notice to God. Pray that He can purify your husband’s heart, mind and intent. Pray that you can accept and love him with a forgiving heart. Offer up the extent of your hurt to convert his mindset.

Though it may not be easily discernible, recognize that we often pick apart others for what we most dislike about ourselves. You mentioned your husband needs to lose weight, etc and by mere laws of nature, he probably doesn’t look 19 anymore. So please consider that this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you and is ONLY about him and his issues, however hidden they might be.

I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Thank you Princes Abby again. I am going to look into some men’s orgnanizations for my husband. I think I could get him into something like that. He really doesn’t usually have any Christian friends. It seems like he picks his friends for fun or “coolness” (that’s just my perspective). We have just moved to a new area and really I don’t think he has any friends at all! He has to work alot, and that is basically his life right now. We go to his Protestant church together but he is not involved at all, outside of just going to church on Sunday morning. I know more people at his church than he does, through the homeschool group there. I had a couple of really really close Catholic friends before we moved (we stay in touch now but one is in Spain now, so only by email). I am trying very hard to get plugged in here, but it has been hard. I think the Catholic population here is like 5% or something, so the majority of people in our homeschool group are Protestant. Great people but overall, I don’t feel like they can relate to my life. I feel like I have to keep up a happy face all the time about having lots of kids–most of them have their one boy and one girl, kwim? I always feel like the crazy mom dragging in all my babies and being pregnant on top of it, I just feel like they are looking at me like “WHY are you doing this?”

Anyway, thanks for everything. Your advice has been awesome and the validation of my feelings really did worlds for my moral.

I guess now I just need to discern where to go from here. Look for a counselor, and above all, just keep praying for him. Really, thank you so much for taking the time to help me. You really have helped me so much.

And to everyone else you has contributed as well–Thank you so much! God Bless!

 

[CatholicSam]

Is your husband looking at pornography? If so, that would really undermine any effort on his part to try to stop viewing women as objects and “nice cars.”

 

[LSK]

ConcernCatholic]Hey, I like the way you think…OK, a bit juvenile but it sure sounds fun

You found me out…one of my biggest character defects…I can be horribly immature…

 

[Lone_Catholic]

CatholicSam:

Is your husband looking at pornography? If so, that would really undermine any effort on his part to try to stop viewing women as objects and “nice cars.”

I don’t think so…