Am I being too sensitive or is husband just being super rude?

[Unsungmelody]

Hi All
This is my second post…posted one a while back and the “issue” has semi been resolved but not 100%.
To sum up, we are somewhat newly wed. We will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary soon and for the past year we’ve been fighting a lot from stupid things to larger things like his hidden porn addiction.

I generally try to ignore what he says if he says something rude or I’ll tell him it was hurtful. He will either apologize or tell me that I need to not be so sensitive or that he doesn’t mean it in that way. His “rudeness” is thrown on everyone…a poor teenage cashier at a store, and operator on the phone, and of course to me.

I’ve talked to him several times, telling him how the words he choose is hurtful and cruel. When they are directed at me, I’m normally in tears as I tell him because a lot of the times it cuts right through me like a knife. I tend to be sensitive, and cry easily so I could just be over reacting but when there’s a full day when I can’t keep myself from crying because of what he had said to me the night before, I wonder if I’m over reacting, being a drama queen, or he really just emotionally upset me that much.

The other day for example (now note I keep everything in side, so my reactions were of course a release of everything that has happened in the past months), we went on a date day and I wanted to go bowling. Bowling alley actually closed and we were not aware. He made a snarky remark asking that next time when I plan to do something, make sure it’s open first. Then another example was I stayed up late until he got home from work, and when he walked in I greeted him with a “hi love”, and instead of even saying hi or greeting me he immediately criticized me, while I was on Skype with a friend (he was aware I was talking to a friend on there), growling at me because I left 2 lights on in another room. I ended up with both instances just apologizing and not saying anything (purely cause I was super embarrassed my friend on Skype heard the whole thing), but the next day I couldn’t help from crying and just being so depressed.

I also know that he is still using porn as a “stress reliever” and when I bring it up to him his response is “well when I stray you can try to bring me back”, or “you’re asleep and work was stressful and I didn’t want to bother you or wake you up” (I’ve told him many times that I’m here for him all the time and no matter what time it is, if he needs to talk or whatever he can wake me up.
We had a huge discussion maybe a week or two ago and I thought we had everything fixed but I’m still finding evidence of the porn and he still is rude to me sometimes.

I think he knows now that I’m really emotionally hurt as he’s been trying to be as nice as possible to me but I know it won’t last…like it generally doesn’t.

I’m not a practicing catholic though I do want to go back, and he was baptized catholic but he’s far from being catholic. Some days I think he’s an atheist. How he talks to me, how much he swears, and how rude he is to other people, I have decided that I don’t even want kids with him anymore because I don’t want my children to be around that and be raised to think that’s okay.
I have yet to talk to anyone close to me, minus a friend or two, from embarrassment and haven’t discussed anything with a priest but if it continues I"m definitely going to.

Even now after the last outburst from him, I feel miserable and unhappy and I feel like I shouldn’t have to feel this way, and that he has no right to make me feel this way. I don’t even want to talk to him or even be in the same room as him. I’m polite and am not being rude to him but it’s taking all my power not to just cry.

Am I over reacting? Is this verbal/emotional abuse? What should I do?

I am writing this fast, I apologize as I do have work to do also. But I needed to get this off my chest and attempt to get feeling better.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi All
This is my second post…posted one a while back and the “issue” has semi been resolved but not 100%.
To sum up, we are somewhat newly wed. We will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary soon and for the past year we’ve been fighting a lot from stupid things to larger things like his hidden porn addiction.

**Ai yai yai.
**
I generally try to ignore what he says if he says something rude or I’ll tell him it was hurtful. He will either apologize or tell me that I need to not be so sensitive or that he doesn’t mean it in that way. His “rudeness” is thrown on everyone…a poor teenage cashier at a store, and operator on the phone, and of course to me.

I’ve talked to him several times, telling him how the words he choose is hurtful and cruel.

**And will lose him business/get him fired.

If he can hold it together for work, he can keep it together for you, and if he can’t keep it together for work, he’s eventually going to get canned or lose business.
**
When they are directed at me, I’m normally in tears as I tell him because a lot of the times it cuts right through me like a knife. I tend to be sensitive, and cry easily so I could just be over reacting but when there’s a full day when I can’t keep myself from crying because of what he had said to me the night before, I wonder if I’m over reacting, being a drama queen, or he really just emotionally upset me that much.

**Try to cut the crying down and correct him immediately or not at all.
**

The other day for example (now note I keep everything in side, so my reactions were of course a release of everything that has happened in the past months), we went on a date day and I wanted to go bowling. Bowling alley actually closed and we were not aware. He made a snarky remark asking that next time when I plan to do something, make sure it’s open first.

**Ask him, “Honey, do you always call every place you go in advance to make sure they’re open? I don’t. Let’s go for a movie instead.” **

Then another example was I stayed up late until he got home from work, and when he walked in I greeted him with a “hi love”, and instead of even saying hi or greeting me he immediately criticized me, while I was on Skype with a friend (he was aware I was talking to a friend on there), growling at me because I left 2 lights on in another room. I ended up with both instances just apologizing and not saying anything (purely cause I was super embarrassed my friend on Skype heard the whole thing), but the next day I couldn’t help from crying and just being so depressed.

**You’ve got to start giving an immediate-as-possible response.

Down the road, when you have kids, you can’t be taking them to task for stuff they did yesterday.
**

I also know that he is still using porn as a “stress reliever” and when I bring it up to him his response is “well when I stray you can try to bring me back”, or “you’re asleep and work was stressful and I didn’t want to bother you or wake you up” (I’ve told him many times that I’m here for him all the time and no matter what time it is, if he needs to talk or whatever he can wake me up.

**Counseling? A 12-Step group?

There’s a pretty big chance that he actually prefers porn to you, at least some of the time.**

We had a huge discussion maybe a week or two ago and I thought we had everything fixed but I’m still finding evidence of the porn and he still is rude to me sometimes.

I think he knows now that I’m really emotionally hurt as he’s been trying to be as nice as possible to me but I know it won’t last…like it generally doesn’t.

I’m not a practicing catholic though I do want to go back, and he was baptized catholic but he’s far from being catholic. Some days I think he’s an atheist. How he talks to me, how much he swears, and how rude he is to other people, I have decided that I don’t even want kids with him anymore because I don’t want my children to be around that and be raised to think that’s okay.

**Counseling! Now! Individual counseling for you if you can’t get him there. You need a backbone and you need it now. **

Am I over reacting? Is this verbal/emotional abuse? What should I do?

**Probably both. You’re overreacting and your husband is out of line.
**
I am writing this fast, I apologize as I do have work to do also. But I needed to get this off my chest and attempt to get feeling better.

 

[Unsungmelody]

He’s better at work with his attitude cause his job is tip based.

I do correct him most of the time and maybe I should have all the Times, but at the same time he should realize how much it hurts me. After telling him not to treat me that way or not to talk to me that way, it just gives me the impression that he doesn’t care. I have told him many times not to speak to me or anyone that way. Nothing has changed.

Oh I definitely think he prefers porn to me. And it breaks my heart. To me it’s cheating and being unfaithful.

I have a backbone and stand up for myself but now I see no point purely as no change happens and it leads to more arguments and fights. We both have a temper but I am used to controlling mine. I hate fighting and would rather talk about problems instead of yelling at each other. He prefers fighting it out.
If I wall away from a fight, telling him that I need a break or else I am going to say something stupid, he gets even more upset and starts being extremely passive aggressive towards me.

I know we need counseling. My work offers free counseling so I may call the number but I’m also afraid to cause I know I will have to relive the hurt.

 

[Xantippe]

He’s better at work with his attitude cause his job is tip based.

I do correct him most of the time and maybe I should have all the Times, but at the same time he should realize how much it hurts me. After telling him not to treat me that way or not to talk to me that way, it just gives me the impression that he doesn’t care. I have told him many times not to speak to me or anyone that way. Nothing has changed.

Oh I definitely think he prefers porn to me. And it breaks my heart. To me it’s cheating and being unfaithful.

I have a backbone and stand up for myself but now I see no point purely as no change happens and it leads to more arguments and fights. We both have a temper but I am used to controlling mine. I hate fighting and would rather talk about problems instead of yelling at each other. He prefers fighting it out.
If I wall away from a fight, telling him that I need a break or else I am going to say something stupid, he gets even more upset and starts being extremely passive aggressive towards me.

I know we need counseling. My work offers free counseling so I may call the number but I’m also afraid to cause I know I will have to relive the hurt.

It sounds like you don’t have a lot of other options.

 

[Joe_5859]

I think that you would both benefit from some outside counsel. You seem to recognize that what you are doing now isn’t fixing things. Some outside help would be good.

Far be it from me to evaluate your situation based on your post, but it sounds to me like you are both stuck in a bad loop, like a record with a scratch on it that keeps playing the same distorted tune over and over again.

As Xantippe said, it’s probably a bit of both. That’s how these things go. Your husband is lashing out with snarkiness, perhaps out of guilt for the porn, or perhaps there is some other reason he feels mad at himself and at the world. Over time, these remarks just pile one on top of the other to the point that even one will make you break down.

You need to break the cycle. I know that’s easy to say and very difficult to do, but that is what needs to happen.

Of course, the answer is Jesus. We will all of us grope around unfulfilled and lost without Him at the center of our lives. Pray to Him. Pray for healing for you and your husband.

Marriage can be a lot of hard work. But God provides the grace. I will pray for you both.

 

[Unsungmelody]

What is counseling gonna do if just I go? I don’t see how it will fix anything

 

[Joe_5859]

What is counseling gonna do if just I go? I don’t see how it will fix anything

It will help you immensely to be able to bounce things off an objective third party. It will equip you to be able to handle the situation more effectively instead of falling into the same routines.

 

[whm]

The irritability, rude choice of words, etc. are consistent with sex addiction. Often (but not always) when the sex addiction is under control, these side effects also go away. I suggest your read up on “hypersexuality disorder” (newer term in the medical community) and visit some sexaholics anonymous websites. I think that you will find a lot of the behaviors that you are describing are consistent with this disorder. I am not offering an excuse for your husband, not at all, but in order to fix the problem, you need to acknowledge it first. Treat it like a disease. Some people are more susceptible to this addiction than others, using sex to “combat” stress is a big red flag that your husband is susceptible to sex addiction.

Praying for the two of you.

 

[Unsungmelody]

The irritability, rude choice of words, etc. are consistent with sex addiction. Often (but not always) when the sex addiction is under control, these side effects also go away. I suggest your read up on “hypersexuality disorder” (newer term in the medical community) and visit some sexaholics anonymous websites. I think that you will find a lot of the behaviors that you are describing are consistent with this disorder. I am not offering an excuse for your husband, not at all, but in order to fix the problem, you need to acknowledge it first. Treat it like a disease. Some people are more susceptible to this addiction than others, using sex to “combat” stress is a big red flag that your husband is susceptible to sex addiction.

Praying for the two of you.

Sounds like him then. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so close to walking out sometimes. I can’t emotionally take it. We are rarely intimate anymore and if he wants he does it himself or just wants more of a quickie or something like that.

 

[whm]

Sounds like him then. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so close to walking out sometimes. I can’t emotionally take it. We are rarely intimate anymore and if he wants he does it himself or just wants more of a quickie or something like that.

That too is consistent with an addiction. I wish I had the magic solution. If you feel that you can have a frank discussion with him, perhaps you could give that a try. The goal is you want him to be happier and healthier, you want to have happy communication between each other, and you want to be intimate with each other, not in isolation.

I suggest you join the group here at CAF called “women suffering due to unchastity”. They might have some good advice for you there.

forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=380

Take advantage of your free counseling too. Priests are pretty well informed about this problem too, and might be able to help you, him or both of you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is only a Catholic morality issue. It is a real problem for anybody regardless of their moral or religious beliefs.

Ultimately he has to want to change. That being said wanting to change alone may not be enough (he likely wants to change already, but won’t admit it to you). He may need some outside help to get over it. Many have been helped by 12-step programs like SA. There is a group of recovering addicts here at CAF as well that can be somewhat helpful (but is not a substitute for counseling or a 12 step program).

forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=369

 

[Unsungmelody]

The irritability, rude choice of words, etc. are consistent with sex addiction. Often (but not always) when the sex addiction is under control, these side effects also go away. I suggest your read up on “hypersexuality disorder” (newer term in the medical community) and visit some sexaholics anonymous websites. I think that you will find a lot of the behaviors that you are describing are consistent with this disorder. I am not offering an excuse for your husband, not at all, but in order to fix the problem, you need to acknowledge it first. Treat it like a disease. Some people are more susceptible to this addiction than others, using sex to “combat” stress is a big red flag that your husband is susceptible to sex addiction.

Praying for the two of you.

Also if that is the case, which it seems like it is, what can I do to fix the problem

 

[Unsungmelody]

That too is consistent with an addiction. I wish I had the magic solution. If you feel that you can have a frank discussion with him, perhaps you could give that a try. The goal is you want him to be happier and healthier, you want to have happy communication between each other, and you want to be intimate with each other, not in isolation.

I suggest you going the group here at CAF called “women suffering due to unchastity”. They might have some good advice for you there.

forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=380

Take advantage of your free counseling too. Priests are pretty well informed about this problem too, and might be able to help you, him or both of you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is only a Catholic morality issue. It is a real problem for anybody regardless of their moral or religious beliefs.

Ultimately he has to want to change. That being said wanting to change alone may not be enough (he likely wants to change already, but won’t admit it to you). He may need some outside help to get over it. Many have been helped by 12-step programs like SA. There is a group of addicts here at CAF as well that can be somewhat helpful (but is not a substitute for counseling or a 12 step program).

forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=369

He won’t seek help though. I’ve sent him websites before that were supposed to help and was recommended by people on my last post and he didn’t even look at them and he though I was rude for bringing it up.

 

[whm]

He won’t seek help though. I’ve sent him websites before that were supposed to help and was recommended by people on my last post and he didn’t even look at them and he though I was rude for bringing it up.

If it were me, I would try and break the cycle he is in. If this is happening mostly when you go to bed, try staying up and in the same room as him until he goes to bed. If he works late, set an alarm and get up when he comes home. This will shake up his “reality” a bit and might provide an opportunity for him to clear his mind somewhat. He will either stop/cut down doing it or at least be aware that he has to wait for you to go to bed or find another time of day to engage his addiction.

Ultimately I recommend that you speak with a priest or a counselor who recognizes the significance of this problem. I really can’t give you good advice for more significant steps over the internet. I am not qualified nor do I have enough info.

Praying.

 

[mountee]

Counseling can help you to see things more clearly, to prioritize the issues and give you the tools to begin handling this at home. Eventually you will both need counseling together to help heal the damage. Seeing your parish priest can be a great beginning but given their schedules you will probably need to seek other help. Catholic charities provides services that you may find useful. Since this has become a pattern for three years of marriage it will take time to reverse the behaviors and heal. Personally, leaving might just get his attention but it won’t fix the problem. Count on my prayers for you to be able to do what needs to be done.

 

[Unsungmelody]

If it were me, I would try and break the cycle he is in. If this is happening mostly when you go to bed, try staying up and in the same room as him until he goes to bed. If he works late, set an alarm and get up when he comes home. This will shake up his “reality” a bit and might provide an opportunity for him to clear his mind somewhat. He will either stop/cut down doing it or at least be aware that he has to wait for you to go to bed or find another time of day to engage his addiction.

Ultimately I recommend that you speak with a priest or a counselor who recognizes the significance of this problem. I really can’t give you good advice for more significant steps over the internet. I am not qualified nor do I have enough info.

Praying.

Here’s The problem. I work mornings. He works nights. So even if staying up would prevent that part, there’s a huge gap in the morning where he can do whatever he wants cause I’m at work. That’s where I feel he does it the most honestly.

He’s already hiding it from me by deleting history and even if I blocked it on the computer he has his phone with internet access. I don’t want to be a control freak but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. Honestly I’m disgusted and hurt by his actions.

Yes leaving would not solve the problem but maybe I would be less emotionally upset and he wouldn’t be there to verbally upset me either.

I’m very anti divorce or leaving a spouse but I also know I cannot live with the feeling like I have been having. I feel unloved and not needed. I feel that I am just the person to take care of the house and make him food.
I’m too afraid to speak to my parents or older sibling about these issues and I do know ultimately counseling for just me will only go so far.

 

[PaulinVA]

The husband in this case is an immature, selfish jerk.

You don’t treat your enemies this way, much less your friends, and certainly not your wife.

 

[whm]

The husband in this case is an immature, selfish jerk…

You don’t treat your enemies this way, much less your friends, and certainly not your wife.

Obviously his behavior is absolutely terrible. The question the OP has, is how to fix the situation.

 

[whm]

Here’s The problem. I work mornings. He works nights. So even if staying up would prevent that part, there’s a huge gap in the morning where he can do whatever he wants cause I’m at work. That’s where I feel he does it the most honestly.

He’s already hiding it from me by deleting history and even if I blocked it on the computer he has his phone with internet access. I don’t want to be a control freak but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. Honestly I’m disgusted and hurt by his actions.
.

The goal is not to be his internet police, because it is impossible to shut down all sources. The thought was to break his pattern up a bit. It shows that you are taking effort out of care for him. Make him think about something other than himself.

 

[ClearWater]

In the case of counseling, if he’s willing to go, great. If he won’t, then I think it’d still be beneficial for you to go to individual counseling so that he realizes there’s enough of a problem that you need to seek outside help, and so that you will get the emotional support you need but can’t get from him.

There are rules on fair fighting, but it sounds like he isn’t willing to abide by those, what with the cursing and swearing.

It’s unfortunate, but if he won’t stop being verbally abusive, you might need to end up on working with the counselor on how to detach, emotionally, or you’ll be a basketcase.

 

[tabycat]

Counseling can help you to see things more clearly, to prioritize the issues and give you the tools to begin handling this at home. Eventually you will both need counseling together to help heal the damage. Seeing your parish priest can be a great beginning but given their schedules you will probably need to seek other help. Catholic charities provides services that you may find useful. Since this has become a pattern for three years of marriage it will take time to reverse the behaviors and heal. Personally, leaving might just get his attention but it won’t fix the problem. Count on my prayers for you to be able to do what needs to be done.

Besides counseling there are 12 step progam groups for people close to adduits (like Alanon).