Am I being unreasonable to my wife?

[Patrick7]

I am also wondering if you come from a culture outside of the UK?

Yes.

 

[Patrick7]

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. The above statement is what clued me in. You seem to think that money talks, and that any wife who doesn’t want to be “kept” by you is being unreasonable. So, if you start looking for a way out, what do you think she is going to do to support herself? If you have all the money you say you do, you can afford a cleaning person, a gardener, and a nanny for the children. If a career is important to your wife, then she should have one. It is as simple as that.

I just mean a way out from all the arguing and whining. I just let her have her way so I can get peace. Right now I enjoy staying at work then coming home because I am not happy and if I complain about 1 thing its hell on earth. Work has become like a way to therapy to avoid confrontation.

If she is so wants to work full time then thats fine. So far it appears I am being unreasonable so although I may not like it but I guess if I am in the wrong I will have to adjust. She can work for her money and buy her own things.

Then nanny and the cleaning person sounds like a good plan although I don’t like the idea of a stranger raising my kids. In which case I could quit my job or find a way to work from home to be with them.

cheers

 

[dulcissima]

Yes.

I was thinking that might be the case. I think that is why a lot of people are taking the way that you phrase things as an indication that you are too controlling. I think it might just be a cultural difference though.

While I don’t believe that you are a controlling individual, you probably do come from a culture that believes in traditional roles for men and women. So, you might be taking your wife’s independence a little more personally than a husband who grew up in a western culture would. Whether or not your wife grew up in England or in the country that you came from, since she is here, she probably wants the same independence that she sees other women having. She really isn’t trying to disrespect you with such choices. She is probably just resisting wanting to live according to the traditional roles that you are accustomed to. So, in some ways, I see this as less a personal conflict between the two of you than it is a cultural identity struggle.

 

[Woodstock]

You seem to be approaching this as which one of you is right. If you are wrong, fine then she can take care of herself. If you are right, you need to be the one to take care of her.

I suggest you look at marriage differently. You two should be working together to meet both your needs. A spirit of cooperation and respect doesn’t seem to be present on either side.

Have you read the Church’s writings on marriage? It might be a good place to start.

 

[dessert]

I voted no because after reading through you sound reasonable.

Remember she will be more busy with the baby and you will have to share her with another person.

Your wife is just trying to find her little niche of importance socially and wants more intellectual conversation, wait till the baby comes then she will want to have some real adult conversations.

She may not share ALL her secrets with you but hang in there she sounds like she loves you anyways.

I am a woman and when I had three little ones at home I really needed some adult intervention and there wasn’t internet at the time.

She may work at a volunteer place that also may lead to employment so hope you don’t object to that.

Maybe you need a night out for cards with the boys and she needs a card club with the ladies.

The new baby will make you a family, a whole new culture
Do you have a mutual interest together? Couples card club ?
Book Club?
D.

 

[paradoxy]

Oh! She’s pregnant - and you’re feeling extra protective.

And she’s in turn feeling a stronger need to assert her independence and strength now that the pregnancy is making her extra vulnerable.

Sounds like fun.

 

[PaulinVA]

Patrick said:
“It seems to be a case of pride in asking for money from someone. But I am not someone. I am her man and that is what I am here for. If she asks I will give, as long as it reasonable. If she asks for monry for shoes. I will have no problem. If she ask me for her own personal jet. that would be difficult.”

Patrick, if she has to ASK you for money, then yes, you are controlling. Goodness. She has to ASK to buy a pair of shoes?

Well, I would would want to make my own money if I had to ask my spouse for money.

I think you might need to look at attitudes about the role of each spouse in marriage. I don’t think there is agreement between the two of you about each of your roles.

My wife didn’t work outside the home for almost 20 years. But, what is mine is hers and what is hers is mine. We do have an understanding that purchases over around $100 need to be discused (her purchases and mine), but that’s about it.

 

[water]

Oh! She’s pregnant - and you’re feeling extra protective.

And she’s in turn feeling a stronger need to assert her independence and strength now that the pregnancy is making her extra vulnerable.

Sounds like fun.

It looks like you are onto a very important issue which can help Patrick.

 

[1ke]

It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about different. You and your wife have different ideas about self-fulfillment, the role of men and women in society and the family, the priority placed on family versus career, the division of labor in the household, childrearing, and religion.

Just what, exactly, do you *agree *on? I don’t see anything.

The fact that you married despite this lack of agreement means you are stuck with her belief system.

It’s not unreasonable for a wife to stay home. It’s not unreasonable for a husband to want a wife to stay at home. What is unreasonable is a man marrying a woman who views staying at home as abominable, and then expecting her to stay home.

You need to adjust your expectations.

(It is not unreasonable, however, to expect your wife to communicate her whereabouts… that’s a separate issue).

Sounds like you guys need some serious counseling.

 

[momof8]

OP,

I agree with those who see more going on here. You mention several things:

1. that you intend to withdraw to avoid conflict
2. that if things do not get better, you will begin looking for a way out, which means that you are already feeling somewhat trapped in a bad situation
3. that you are working extra hours to avoid conflict at home

Well, you do need to be able to communicate. What exactly is the conflict at home? That you want her to stay home with the baby? That she goes places w/out telling you? Do you mean she comes home from work at 10 p.m. and you don’t know where she’s been since she left work at 5? That is obviously a bad sign, but if you mean she goes on a little trip (the mall could be 10 miles away from where you live, so could the grocery story, those certainly don’t require spousal notification) then it is controlling to expect to be told that she’s going there. Do you mean that whatever she is doing all day, you can’t even get a conversation out of her about it, in the sense that you feel she doesn’t want to talk to you at all about anything?

It would be nice if you could just withdraw, but that is not a marriage, and it doesn’t work. The problems are there and have to be dealt with, and if you can’t deal with them because she won’t or because there is no resolution to the deeper issues, then you have to deal with that, which means things are in very bad shape. Read about how to communicate, and talk to her in a way that shows that you really are listening to what she has to say. That is what I would “want” more than all the material things in the world. Maybe you don’t really know how to do that. Try to learn how. I would start to feel like someone’s possession if they just wanted to give me things but would never really listen to me and my thoughts and feelings.

There is a child involved. Do a search on the web for marriage resolution organizations. Find a Catholic one that follows Catholic teaching. Do a search on truly Catholic books on marriage. Pray that you are led to the right place. Pray that your marriage can be saved. Ask Mary to help avoid one more child living in a broken family.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I don’t know her side, just yours. So I chose “Hard to tell”.

I think a note telling where and when one is going is just common courtesy. Actually, in this day and age, there is no reason not to drop a text message, email and a voice mail. If money is not a concern, she should certainly have a cell phone.

If you make a good income that causes her never to have to work again, a housekeeper is in order. She should only have to cook when it strikes her fancy.

If you have no children and see one down the pike, I don’t see why working would hurt until her or she arrives. If God has not blessed you with any, then it won’t hurt for her to work. You never know what is going to happen. You could be wiped out tomorrow. You could then die of some disease, or get hit by a car (God forbid, and angels keep you!). Maybe she wants to keep her skills sharp and up-to-date.

What concerns me is this “give her”. it should both be yours, and she should have access to it when she requires money. I hope you don’t plan to dole out everything to her if she does decide to stay home. An allowance you both agree is reasonable, ATM and credit cards on the joint account- those go a long way.

I don’t know your history, and I don’t know hers- and I don’t want to know. But, that could be why she wants to continue working, because of something in her past. Or she might just enjoy the heck out of her job!

That said: Why are you asking a bunch of strangers? Why don’t you call your local priest and see if he has time to get at the root of the problem. Greg Popcak offers phone counseling at www.exceptionalmarriages.com and he is very good at what he does.

 

[dulcissima]

OP,

I agree with those who see more going on here. You mention several things:

1. that you intend to withdraw to avoid conflict
2. that if things do not get better, you will begin looking for a way out, which means that you are already feeling somewhat trapped in a bad situation
3. that you are working extra hours to avoid conflict at home

Well, you do need to be able to communicate.

I agree. Great post.

 

[Patrick7]

OutinChgoburbs yes I did give her a credit card and she has info of my accounts and credit card incase I am not around to help her. I don’t keep secrets from her.

I don’t getting a housekeeper or whatever but her working outside the home with or without kids is strange to me.

I have to get to bed for work tomorrow but I will reply more later and I will see my parish.

 

[hasikelee]

You seem to be approaching this as which one of you is right. If you are wrong, fine then she can take care of herself. If you are right, you need to be the one to take care of her.

I suggest you look at marriage differently. You two should be working together to meet both your needs. A spirit of cooperation and respect doesn’t seem to be present on either side.

Have you read the Church’s writings on marriage? It might be a good place to start.

Thank you, woodstock, this is along the lines of what I was thinking.

Words like mutual, agreement, equality, respect, etc, come to mind here.

 

[exiled]

Patrick said:
“It seems to be a case of pride in asking for money from someone. But I am not someone. I am her man and that is what I am here for. If she asks I will give, as long as it reasonable. If she asks for monry for shoes. I will have no problem. If she ask me for her own personal jet. that would be difficult.”

Patrick, if she has to ASK you for money, then yes, you are controlling. Goodness. She has to ASK to buy a pair of shoes?

Well, I would would want to make my own money if I had to ask my spouse for money.

I think you might need to look at attitudes about the role of each spouse in marriage. I don’t think there is agreement between the two of you about each of your roles.

My wife didn’t work outside the home for almost 20 years. But, what is mine is hers and what is hers is mine. We do have an understanding that purchases over around $100 need to be discused (her purchases and mine), but that’s about it.

This is exactly what I was thinking. If I had to *ask *for the money to buy whatever I wanted I would certainly feel I was being controlled, even if the answer was “yes”.
I think the OP is correct, that women should, ideally, spend their time doing volunteer work, charitable work, etc. Again, IMHO, traditional roles worked best for all involved, but women today need to be de-programmed (they don’t need careers), and men need to fulfull their roles lovingly and sacrificially, realizing that the womens’ roles are just as valuable as theirs. This takes an entire paradigm shift for both spouses.
When my children are grown I do plan to “work full time” as a volunteer with an organization compatible with the Church. I want my daughters to do the same while in college, and I hope to be able to support them financially while they do their part for the community.
I’m getting off topic, I’ll pipe down now.

 

[LISA_Annette]

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks alot for having on this board. I was born and raise catholic.

At the moment I am clashing with my wife on some domestic/household issues. I told my wife that I don’t feel it’s necessary to work since I make a very good salary ( and I mean very good). I suggested it is more important that she focus more on the domestic front and be a homemaker. I also suggested that instead of chasing a career, she rather spend her time devoting herself to charitable causes and the community since she will never “want”. Anything she needs/wants I can pretty much get several times over and in abundance.

I also asked her to kindly ask or let me know of her plans and where she is going, since I as the man give her enough respect to tell her where I am, what I am doing and how long I will be.

She tells me I am being unreasonable and controlling.

Fair enough, I work extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that anything she wants I can get.

After a few attempts I finally told her to do what she wants and I will say no more.

Are my being completely unreasonable? If I am, don’t be timid about telling me off.

no you aren’t completely unreasonable—at least you said for her to do what she wants. If the job makes her happy, let her do it. maybe she needs it to feel fulfilled—only she know what will make her happy.

I wouldn’t say you are controlling—zealous, maybe, and really desirous to make yourself happy by giving her everything----but the one thing you can’t give her is her self-esteem. She needs to take care of that on her own. God Bless you for searching for the answer to your predicament

 

[Bubble]

Fair enough, I work extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that anything she wants I can get.

You say you are working extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that so that anything she wants, she can get. What an ego you have! You can’t fulfil every single one of her desires – and if you were a billionaire, you cannot give her everything she wants. The key to happiness and contentment isn’t in material things. Who is wealthier – those who have the most or those who need the least? But, it seems like you are measuring your worth in dollars and you think your wife should be happy based on the amount of monetary support you give her. If money is your measure of a success in marriage, then you’re in big trouble.

There are single men who make good money, but it doesn’t magically make them good husbands. There are married men that make good money, but it doesn’t automatically make them good husbands, either.

Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you are controlling, because you want to be everything to her and can’t understand why this isn’t enough. You think that she should be happy because you are wealthy. It obviously isn’t working. You need to rethink your priorities. Yes, money is important, but it isn’t first on the checklist of happiness.

You’re head of the household, but before you can expect her to follow you willingly, you have to prove you love her like your own flesh. She says that she gets fulfilment from working outside the home; so swallowr your pride and listen to her. Accept that she needs some fulfilment outside of what you can provide for her.

On another note . . . I was like your wife – quite sure that maintaining a career was one of my top priorities and that I would never sacrifice it. My husband was supportive either way, but he made it clear that he’d be more pleased if I stayed home. Ultimately, he said the decision was up to me. And, it was. He never pushed or pressured me to quit – not even once.

After my first baby, with no prodding whatsoever from my husband, I worked out it out with my employer to go part time. Why? Because I wanted to. I just couldn’t stand to be away from my baby for long hours and going part time seemed like the best of both worlds. I did this for about two years, but even part time seemed like too much time away my beloved little girl. After the second baby came along, I finally decided to stay home full time.

This was a hard decision because unlike you, my husband’s income is modest. I’ve been home 5 years now, and I know my profession is passing me by and my skills are becoming obsolete. It’s an uneasy feeling to know if something happened to my husband, I’d have to enter the workforce, no longer have the skills I once had or the youth that was once going for me. Try to empthasize with your wife . . . she has worked hard to get where she is and fears losing what she has and maybe even feels insecure about the future – so, don’t take her desire work as criticism of you as a man – it’s not. Wanting to work is an admirable trait in anyone – so try to look at her ambition as something positive.

But, perhaps I can offer you some hope here.

You have a new baby on the way. Babies change everything . . . including persepctive, especially a mom’s persepctive. If you don’t push, you might find that her priorities gradually change after the baby arrives. Part time work might be the perfect arrangement for her. She may even decide to stay home full time. But, if you try to make her totally quit her job or threaten her with leaving, she will resent you and try to hold onto her profession with all of her might.

 

[jmcrae]

Hi ladies and gents,

Sorry for the delay I have been working on some things.

ok to answer all the questions.

Does she have children? There is one on the way. so although she has not yet popped she still wants to work.

If you speak like that to her face, I can’t blame her for wanting to retain at least a bit of independence.

First, it’s not “her” child - he belongs equally to both of you.

Second, she is not going to “pop” - she is going to give birth.

You talk like a single guy who has never had a conversation with a woman before - you sure you’re really married?

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I’m not all that thrilled any more about working women, having seen what it does to society.

Now I fully expect half the people to jump on me for this.

 

[1ke]

I’m not all that thrilled any more about working women, having seen what it does to society.

Now I fully expect half the people to jump on me for this.

Women have always worked, see Proverbs 31 regarding a worthy wife.

It is society that has changed, but not because women work.