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kevinsgirl
Guest
It really sounds to me like you guys didn’t discuss very much when you went through marriage preparation. It also sounds like you are controlling. Financial decisions aren’t supposed to be you giving your wife an allowance. It’s supposed to be the two of you sitting down and discussing as equals how the money is to be budgeted and spent. Just because your wife isn’t bringing in a salary doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an equal voice in the finances. Perhaps that is why she is so interested in an outside job–so she’ll be the one in control for a change. I know if my husband phrased his financial decisions the way you’ve phrased your requests on here, one of the first things I’d do is want to work.
Also, you don’t mention whether or not your wife worked before you were married. Her desire to work could very well be from a love of the work she would do. Don’t assume her desires are only for monetary reasons. And if you did not discuss this before marriage, I do think it is unreasonable of you to expect her to not work due solely to your previously unexpressed desires. Her desires need to be given equal consideration.
As far as telling you when she is leaving and where she is going, a general response is courteous…a detailed one is controlling. For instance, I’ll call my husband and tell him I’m on my way home but that I’m going to run to the mall, so I may be an hour or so late. I don’t, however, give him a detailed agenda of what stores or have to meet a curfew.
Also, you don’t mention whether or not your wife worked before you were married. Her desire to work could very well be from a love of the work she would do. Don’t assume her desires are only for monetary reasons. And if you did not discuss this before marriage, I do think it is unreasonable of you to expect her to not work due solely to your previously unexpressed desires. Her desires need to be given equal consideration.
As far as telling you when she is leaving and where she is going, a general response is courteous…a detailed one is controlling. For instance, I’ll call my husband and tell him I’m on my way home but that I’m going to run to the mall, so I may be an hour or so late. I don’t, however, give him a detailed agenda of what stores or have to meet a curfew.
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Woodstock
Guest
Congratulations!
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Patrick7
Guest
Thanks for all the advice you have given people.
I am suppose to see the priest next week to get his advice. He may even come to our home and talk to both of us.
Cheers
I am suppose to see the priest next week to get his advice. He may even come to our home and talk to both of us.
Cheers
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Katie1723
Guest
I think this is a pretty ridiculous thing to say. Unless there is a medical reason for bedrest, NOT moving is worse.
And just so you know, I have this visual of you after reading through your posts, of someone standing with his arms crossed, stomping his foot and saying “I don’t want to play with you anymore” and taking his toys and going home.
Kathy
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Matas
Guest
I voted “hard to say.” I am going through some adjustments at home, and though your situation sounds similar to my own, I have learned that it is best not to step in between a husband and wife if they are having a disagreement.
Patrick7:
LOL…good one. How about the verses that come after that for the husbands?
Looking for a way out, 'ey? I suspected that there was more to the story here. My advice to you Patrick7 is prayer. Go talk to a priest. Pray for tolerance, patience, and meekness. This is the cross that God has placed upon your shoulders. Basically, suck it up, buddy, for the greater glory of God. You married her - you stay with her, for better or for worse.
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Patrick7
Guest
smart move
The full verses:
2Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."** 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I never read these verse before until today. I normally go by what was said in genesis and my wife feels that is way to old and out of context. better not show her this one or she might not talk to me for days
yes I am doing more prayer and asking for strength and more patience. But I guess your right about just sucking it up, who ever said being a man was easy?
**
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Matas
Guest
I’ll be praying for you brother. Fight the Good Fight.yes I am doing more prayer and asking for strength and more patience. But I guess your right about just sucking it up, wgi ever said being a man was easy?
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Nordar
Guest
Totally agree, I was married to someone like that (along with other issues) I had to ask for anything I wanted, it is a horrible way to live. It is demeaning, it most certainly is not healthy for a marriage. It builds up terrible resen tments for the one who has to ask all the time.
I am also disturbed by Patrick saying OK then if she does go to work then she can pay her own way, It sounds like saying if she does not do things my way then tough!
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Catholic90
Guest
Perhaps I am reading too much into this statement, but…
Did she suffer a miscarriage before?
Any WHY WHY WHY would you say “I told you so” if your wife whom you profess to love had a problem with the pregnancy?? This strikes me as VERY controllling and vindictive.
As far as moving around during pregnancy, excercise is one of the BEST things you can do while pregnant. Sitting around all day is one of the WORST. By exercising, she strengthens muscles and maintains balance.
Does she have a social network OUTSIDE of you?
I would say you are way too controlling, passive- aggressive, and manipulative. Money is not the be-all, end-all to fulfilment, and there is no way YOU can be her sole fulfiller of everything. She could leave you a note saying she is running some errands, but she should not have to outline WHERE she exactly going, HOW LONG she will stay, and be home by curfew! Get her a cell phone. Understand there are dead spots and sometimes she may not be in a position to immediately answer (she may be talking to a sales associate, checking out, paying for groceries, or left it in the car while she ran in quickly.)
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MariaG
Guest
I did read throught the entire thread. Several things.
She is right. She is pregnant Seriously though, right now, there are alot of hormonal things going on with your wife. You are saying one things, but she is “hearing” something else. This can be true of all women, pregnant or not
For example:
Further, you say several things that make me think that the reason she sees being a homemaker as being submissive and you as controlling because of your attitude about these issues.
Who pays the bill in your house?
While there certainly should be discussion of buying major purchases, it should be the same for both of you. Can you/do you buy a car without discussing it with your wife? Then your wife should be able to do the same. A refrigerator? Same deal.
Most couples have a “set point”. In the early years of our family, we discussed any purchase over $20 because finances were so tight. No one decided to buy anything without the consent of the other even though I did not work outside the home. Our money. From you words, it feels like your money. Do you think of it as your money or both of yours?
Hire a maid.
As for a nanny, another issue, but hiring someone who could be there as an on-call, consistent baby sitter for couple time could work, as long as the nanny is not raising the child while you both work.
This is why she feels housework is demeaning because she has to ask for everything as if you were her father, not her partner.
It doesn’t matter that you are her husband and not just anyone. By making her ask to buy a pair of shoes, especially if you have as much money as you say, you are devaluing any contribution she makes to the household.
Again, you see it as ***your ***money, not “our” money. This is why your wife does not want to stay at home. I wouldn’t either if I had to ask my husband for every pair of shoes I had wanted to buy over the last 18 years of not working outside the home.
I sincerely believe the lack of common courtesy she is showing you over travel is because that is the only thing she FEELS as if she can control right now.
Again, important to note, feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. And right now, with all the hormones running through your wifes body, feeling run high!
I suggest that you sit down with your wife and set up accounts so she has to ask for nothing, and consider asking her to take over the finances since I doubt she pays the bills. This will give her a sense of control, and maybe then the common courtesy of telling you where she is going will surface, when the she feels her basic value as a human being is being honored.
May God bless you and guide you.
Maria
Stay at home mother of 18 years.
She is right. She is pregnant
Seriously though, right now, there are alot of hormonal things going on with your wife. You are saying one things, but she is “hearing” something else. This can be true of all women, pregnant or notFor example:
Oh, you don’t think my job is important?
What? My job is not as important as yours just because I don’t make as much money?
What, since you are the man you don’t have to tell me where you are going but do anyway? Since I am the woman, I HAVE to tell you but you don’t have to tell me anything?
Further, you say several things that make me think that the reason she sees being a homemaker as being submissive and you as controlling because of your attitude about these issues.
She shouldn’t have to ask. There should be a joint account. What works well in many families where the wife stays home and the husband works is the wife should pay the bills. This gives the wife a sense of control over finances. And also gives her control over the money so she doesn’t have to ask.
Who pays the bill in your house?
While there certainly should be discussion of buying major purchases, it should be the same for both of you. Can you/do you buy a car without discussing it with your wife? Then your wife should be able to do the same. A refrigerator? Same deal.
Most couples have a “set point”. In the early years of our family, we discussed any purchase over $20 because finances were so tight. No one decided to buy anything without the consent of the other even though I did not work outside the home. Our money. From you words, it feels like your money. Do you think of it as your money or both of yours?
And while you later explain this comment differently, maybe your wife feels this as it sounds. It sounds like divorce or adultery and blame the wife.
I read that someone else suggested this, and I concur. If you have as much money as you suggest, your wife shouldn’t have to do those chores, if she doesn’t care for them or feels demeaned by them. (I disagree with her, but feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are:shrug: ).
Hire a maid.
As for a nanny, another issue, but hiring someone who could be there as an on-call, consistent baby sitter for couple time could work, as long as the nanny is not raising the child while you both work.
She shouldn’t have to ask for money for shoes.
This is why she feels housework is demeaning because she has to ask for everything as if you were her father, not her partner.
It doesn’t matter that you are her husband and not just anyone. By making her ask to buy a pair of shoes, especially if you have as much money as you say, you are devaluing any contribution she makes to the household.
Again, you see it as ***your ***money, not “our” money. This is why your wife does not want to stay at home. I wouldn’t either if I had to ask my husband for every pair of shoes I had wanted to buy over the last 18 years of not working outside the home.
I sincerely believe the lack of common courtesy she is showing you over travel is because that is the only thing she FEELS as if she can control right now.
Again, important to note, feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. And right now, with all the hormones running through your wifes body, feeling run high!
I suggest that you sit down with your wife and set up accounts so she has to ask for nothing, and consider asking her to take over the finances since I doubt she pays the bills. This will give her a sense of control, and maybe then the common courtesy of telling you where she is going will surface, when the she feels her basic value as a human being is being honored.
May God bless you and guide you.
Maria
Stay at home mother of 18 years.
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Sailor_Kenshin
Guest
And what’s wrong with wife/mother being seen as your primary role in life? Your ‘work?’
Aren’t children important? Why would you want anyone else to raise them just so you can have a ‘career?’ Especially if it’s not an economic issue.
Yeah, go ahead, pile on me. I just want to know how it is we’ve come so far as to look down on motherhood in this way.
Aren’t children important? Why would you want anyone else to raise them just so you can have a ‘career?’ Especially if it’s not an economic issue.
Yeah, go ahead, pile on me. I just want to know how it is we’ve come so far as to look down on motherhood in this way.
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MariaG
Guest
Um. Who are you talking to?
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sanctamaria17
Guest
That’s not the issue
The issue is that she has to ask for money, like a child has to ask for money. That’s the problem! It’s not “our” money, it’s his money. And yes, it’s courtesy to let the people you love know where you will be. I give fair warning to my roommates when I’m leaving for awhile or if I’ll get in late. I was sick for a week and one of my friends was concerned, so I kept him updated because I knew he was worried. However, to demand knowledge of where she’ll be at all times, that’s controlling and that verse was taken out of context.
Motherhood is important but not all women are called to be stay-at-home moms. Maybe she’s not in the job for the money. And the baby isn’t born yet, maybe things will change after the baby’s born. And as for the volunteer work, that’s wonderful but don’t make it come off as women shouldn’t do paid work just because we’re women! That’s demeaning!
I will need to work so I can pay off my debts from college. Not only that, but the point of me going to college is to work, to become a doctor. Am I a terrible person because I intend to (GASP) work outside the home to help others and probably will be paid for it? Does that make me a terrible Catholic? Or a horrible woman, for wanting to help other women, but because I’m in a paid position?
I have nothing against stay-at-home moms. But I’m sick to death of people acting like women have cookie cutter vocations. Not every mother will stay at home and her kids will be no worse off because of it. My aunt is a widow and raising a beautiful seven-year-old that she and my late uncle adopted. She works, worked well before my uncle passed away. And her daughter is intelligent, curious and an all around sweetie. I know she’s raising her right. St. Gianna Molla worked as a pediatric surgeon even after her marriage and the birth of her children (except for the last one since she gave her life to save her unborn daughter, now also a doctor who does Alzheimer’s research). And she’s honored as a mother who did everything for her family, in addition to having a professional career.
As for, well it’s greedy and taking a job from someone else, how do you know? The reason this lady got the job in the first place is because she’s the best one qualified for it. Didn’t God tell us to use our talents? Maybe her calling is to use hers in the workplace.
We don’t live in Victorian times any more. Things are different for women now and I’m very glad.
The issue is that she has to ask for money, like a child has to ask for money. That’s the problem! It’s not “our” money, it’s his money. And yes, it’s courtesy to let the people you love know where you will be. I give fair warning to my roommates when I’m leaving for awhile or if I’ll get in late. I was sick for a week and one of my friends was concerned, so I kept him updated because I knew he was worried. However, to demand knowledge of where she’ll be at all times, that’s controlling and that verse was taken out of context.
Motherhood is important but not all women are called to be stay-at-home moms. Maybe she’s not in the job for the money. And the baby isn’t born yet, maybe things will change after the baby’s born. And as for the volunteer work, that’s wonderful but don’t make it come off as women shouldn’t do paid work just because we’re women! That’s demeaning!
I will need to work so I can pay off my debts from college. Not only that, but the point of me going to college is to work, to become a doctor. Am I a terrible person because I intend to (GASP) work outside the home to help others and probably will be paid for it? Does that make me a terrible Catholic? Or a horrible woman, for wanting to help other women, but because I’m in a paid position?
I have nothing against stay-at-home moms. But I’m sick to death of people acting like women have cookie cutter vocations. Not every mother will stay at home and her kids will be no worse off because of it. My aunt is a widow and raising a beautiful seven-year-old that she and my late uncle adopted. She works, worked well before my uncle passed away. And her daughter is intelligent, curious and an all around sweetie. I know she’s raising her right. St. Gianna Molla worked as a pediatric surgeon even after her marriage and the birth of her children (except for the last one since she gave her life to save her unborn daughter, now also a doctor who does Alzheimer’s research). And she’s honored as a mother who did everything for her family, in addition to having a professional career.
As for, well it’s greedy and taking a job from someone else, how do you know? The reason this lady got the job in the first place is because she’s the best one qualified for it. Didn’t God tell us to use our talents? Maybe her calling is to use hers in the workplace.
We don’t live in Victorian times any more. Things are different for women now and I’m very glad.
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jmcrae
Guest
This is not the issue.
The issue is that she has to beg for money when she needs or wants anything, and that he is treating her like the live-in maid, rather than like his wife.
If I were her, I’d want an independant income, too, just so that I don’t have to ask permission every time I want to take a friend out for coffee, or get myself a pair of sandals.
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Matas
Guest
Folks, let’s stay charitable here. Please refrain from the “I” and “me.” This thread is about Patrick7, his wife, and his family. It is not about me, you, or anyone else.
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Catholic90
Guest
Well, there is no baby there yet. She is pregnant. Why can’t she work now if she wants to??
We have not even HEARD from her on this issue, so we can speculate all we want and be absolutely wrong. Until we hear HER side, we don’t really know.
It doesn’t sound as if Patrick really respects his wife. He is treating her as a child who gets an allowance and must account for everything. He says she wants for nothing financially; yet she must ask him. The terms and phrases he uses are suspect. That is not respect. That is childish. Perhaps she is his trophy wife.
I was a stay at home mom until my youngest was in first grade. Now I work in a school and at home. It gets me out of the house, I get social interaction, I get to do something I love, I feel like I am making a difference in at least a few kids lives, and in brings in a few dollars.
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Nordar
Guest
In asking for others opinions then that is exactly what will happen, as in “if it were I” or “if I were in the position”. That is what happens when others give their opinions… I and WE… are included. I think everyone is well aware it is not about them, we are only answering his questions “Do you think I am too controlling etc?”
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jmcrae
Guest
“I” and “me” statements are polite ways of engaging difficult issues. Finger-pointing just makes people get defensive.
But if we say how we would react, if we were treated like that, then it can show Patrick why his wife might be reacting to him the way that she is, without (figuratively speaking, of course) punching his chest with a pointing finger.
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Matas
Guest
Wow. People, I was referring to posts #52 and #53. Man, what a bunch of meanies…
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