Am I being unreasonable to my wife?

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Patrick, you don’t sound like a bad guy at all, but the problem seems to stem from cultural differences. In my culture, for instance, there are no stay-at-home-moms at all! (but women get a year of paid maternity leave for each baby, and the working hours are 7am-3pm, 5 days a week). It really is a cultural and personal thing that you need to discuss with her. Apart from the money, what does SHE get from working? A sense of worth and usefulness? A mission? Friendships?
 
Woodstock said:
A man is the head of a household just as Christ is the head of the Church. The verse you quoted before spoke of a husband being willing to give his life for his wife just as Christ did for the Church. It sounds like your primary love language is to provide financial security and stability for your wife, and her primary love language is something else which causes her to not appreciate your efforts and you to be frustrated because you are working so hard to show how much you love her.

As for being head of the household, it doesn’t necessarily mean being the bigger breadwinner. That’s how *you *express love, and it is a legitimate desire to want to provide for your wife and child. Being head of household is so much more. It means saying your morning and evening prayers, being an example of the virtues and of a lived faith, and making loving, wise, gentle, positive decisions in your life that always respect God and family. You can do that while your wife is a lawyer.

Marriage counseling would probably help you. In your situation, it might be agreeable to both of you that the money you earn is earmarked for necessities like housing and bills while the money your wife earns for luxuries. That way, you can continue to express love through your role as provider. If she is making enough to provide the needed luxuries, you might even be able to take off work a little more often and spend more time with the baby, knowing that you are providing for all his needs still, both physical and emotional.

There are some good books out there for this topic. Someone could probably jump in and recommend them. I’ve remember these being mentioned before:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly
Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West
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Woodstock, I do understand that bring the bigger bread winner doesn’t mean I am the head of household, there are many additional attributes. I have been doing alot of reading lately and maybe those verses are out of date. maybe women aren’t suppose to submit to their husbands. since even in some christian families women are the heads of the household or there is some 50/50 (although there is no such thing as a perfect 50% partnership) I am preparing myself that I maybe completely wrong altogehther. I will see on wednesday when I meet with the priest. I don’t particularly care for head of household. Like I said I am happy now as long as my wife doesn’t become too bossy or impose to much on how I live my life.

maybe the catholic church has different interpretations these days.🤷

We will see what the priest says on wednesday. I am still alittle nervous myself. what ever happens I will stay with my wife anyway especially since a child is involved.
 
Patrick7 said:
Woodstock, I do understand that bring the bigger bread winner doesn’t mean I am the head of household, there are many additional attributes. I have been doing alot of reading lately and maybe those verses are out of date. maybe women aren’t suppose to submit to their husbands. since even in some christian families women are the heads of the household or there is some 50/50 (although there is no such thing as a perfect 50% partnership) I am preparing myself that I maybe completely wrong altogehther. I will see on wednesday when I meet with the priest. I don’t particularly care for head of household. Like I said I am happy now as long as my wife doesn’t become too bossy or impose to much on how I live my life.

maybe the catholic church has different interpretations these days.🤷

We will see what the priest says on wednesday. I am still alittle nervous myself. what ever happens I will stay with my wife anyway especially since a child is involved.
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Hi Patrick,

The wives ARE supposed to submit to their husbands. That will never change. But what are husbands supposed to do?
Ephesians 5:25-30

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27] that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
28] Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29] For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church,
30] because we are members of his body.

First off, let me say again, she is pregnant. Pregnant women hormones are not an excuse, but can sometimes explain behavoir, although I think this problem existed before pregnancy. Frequently, pregnancy brings these issues to a head.

You should be the head of the household. That is your God given role. But being the head of the household does not mean you are a dictator. It seems like you need to strike a balance between what your wife sees as controling and completely giving up.

Meditate upon those verses. Think of ways that Christ showed His love for His Church. Christ didn’t just leave us be, nor did he dictate our every move. There is a balance there and this is the balance you must find, one that makes you wife comfortable as well as you. She knew who you were when she married you. Probably the same thing she fell in love with, your protector/provider persona, is the very thing that she is feeling smoothered by right now. A way to help this is you both need to remember why you fell in love. Remind each other that the very traits that she is now calling controlling, she probably(?) felt loved and secure by. And her independence was probably something you admired about her. This kind of thing is common in marriages.

But…

You are the head. I can’t repeat this too much. You are the head of the household. You will fail your family if you give up on this aspect of your duties. Find the balance.

Question: Did you guys talk about what would happen when you started having children? Did she agree that one of you staying home with the children was the best thing?

God Bless,
Maria
 
MariaG said:
Hi Patrick,

The wives ARE supposed to submit to their husbands. That will never change. But what are husbands supposed to do?
Ephesians 5:25-30

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27] that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
28] Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29] For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church,
30] because we are members of his body.

First off, let me say again, she is pregnant. Pregnant women hormones are not an excuse, but can sometimes explain behavoir, although I think this problem existed before pregnancy. Frequently, pregnancy brings these issues to a head.

You should be the head of the household. That is your God given role. But being the head of the household does not mean you are a dictator. It seems like you need to strike a balance between what your wife sees as controling and completely giving up.

Meditate upon those verses. Think of ways that Christ showed His love for His Church. Christ didn’t just leave us be, nor did he dictate our every move. There is a balance there and this is the balance you must find, one that makes you wife comfortable as well as you. She knew who you were when she married you. Probably the same thing she fell in love with, your protector/provider persona, is the very thing that she is feeling smoothered by right now. A way to help this is you both need to remember why you fell in love. Remind each other that the very traits that she is now calling controlling, she probably(?) felt loved and secure by. And her independence was probably something you admired about her. This kind of thing is common in marriages.

But…

You are the head. I can’t repeat this too much. You are the head of the household. You will fail your family if you give up on this aspect of your duties. Find the balance.

Question: Did you guys talk about what would happen when you started having children? Did she agree that one of you staying home with the children was the best thing?

God Bless,
Maria
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There is wisdom in your role as head of the household. With this comes great responsibility. The easy way out is to rule by executive fiat without (name removed by moderator)ut from the other members of the family.

I think you are being unreasonable.

You insulted her by saying she doesn’t need to work as YOU can provide for her. Maybe because of her prior home situation (unrealiable father), she isn’t emotionally ready to yet become totally reliant on another?

You showed no indication that you first measured her motive for working. Are you independently wealthy such that your assets will support her upon your death? The biggest impediment to my wife “quitting work” was her fear that she might lose me via an accident (or her killing me in my sleep 🙂 ). She didn’t want to have to start again on the ladder at a time she might need the income.

You never appear to have asked for her thoughts in a way that indicated the love described in Ephesians. How would you feel if she said to you “I don’t value what you are doing to contribute to this family”? How many men have suffered because their wives criticized their husband for not making enough? Well, your words indicate the same attitude only it isn’t about money but how she spends her time.

Maybe she thinks that it is her God-given call to do this work? Who are you to TELL her to abandon her vocation? For many years of my marriage, my wife felt it was her call to fully develop her professional skills. Then, all of a sudden, she felt a different call and quit her job. We discern our call in prayer. I never got much sense that this was something that either of you had prayed about and absolutely no mention of you praying about it together.
 
Eileen_T said:
Is your wife Catholic also? If she works when you can provide, she is taking a job away from someone who may need it more. She needs to pray for God to direct her life.
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I disagree. Paid work can be a great way to glorify God. If your wife wants to be a nurse, for example, she will have the opportunity to serve and heal others in a profession which is in dire need of more qualified individuals. She would not be stealing someone else’s job because there is already a shortage of nurses.

Work enables both men and women to challenge themselves, demonstrate capability, enact positive social change, and honor God. Of course these things are possible from volunteer positions as well, but some opportunities come tied to a paycheck.

As for your being controlling, it may have more to do with how your wife perceived your request to let you know where she goes. If you had this conversation right after an argument about working, she may have been resentful and taken your comments the wrong way. Generally letting your spouse know where you are is common courtesy, but I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape if she doesn’t reccount her whole day to you or wants an afternoon to herself.

God bless!
 
Patrick7 said:
Woodstock, I do understand that bring the bigger bread winner doesn’t mean I am the head of household, there are many additional attributes. I have been doing alot of reading lately and maybe those verses are out of date. maybe women aren’t suppose to submit to their husbands. since even in some christian families women are the heads of the household or there is some 50/50 (although there is no such thing as a perfect 50% partnership) I am preparing myself that I maybe completely wrong altogehther. I will see on wednesday when I meet with the priest. I don’t particularly care for head of household. Like I said I am happy now as long as my wife doesn’t become too bossy or impose to much on how I live my life.

maybe the catholic church has different interpretations these days.🤷

We will see what the priest says on wednesday. I am still alittle nervous myself. what ever happens I will stay with my wife anyway especially since a child is involved.
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I don’t think the bible EVER gets out of date. And any attempts to ‘jazz it up’ always backfire, as well they should.
 
I’m surprised the OP came back. All I got out of his original post is that he makes a good living and is happy to provide if his wife doesn’t want to work.

Personally, I’d love that. I’ll likely go back to work full time next year, but I’d rather not. 16 years of homeschooling – I’m ready to retire!

To the OP, I hope you work it out. —KCT
 
Ditto the previous poster who asked if you two have discussed one of you staying home and raising your children.

Despite the prevalence of “working moms” and daycare babies these days, I think that the proper raising of children may be one of the most important vocations.

In this day and age of information overload, children are exposed to vastly more far earlier than even adults were ever exposed to just a couple generations ago. We must ensure that they are protected and “formed” well. This is not something that can be certain if someone else is raising the children.

Is this your first child?
 
I didn’t read through all the posts - I’m at lunch and don’t have time. So if someone said this already - sorry.

Whether we think you are being unreasonable or not is not really the issue here. Your wife thinks you are, and she’s the one who shares your life. Think about why you think she considers your actions unreasonable. There is probably a reason she wants to work - feel like she’s contributing, need for independence, concern about boredom at home alone, need to socialize, list can go on and on.

I’d recommend speaking with her to find out why she wants to work. You can go into the biblical and economics of it (paying for day care or gas could actually mean you are making less bottom line with 2 workers). But until you know why she wants to work, you’ll get nowhere.
 
Patrick,
I just wanted to say that regardless of what anyone said on here. Whether they think you are being unreasonable or not, I think you are to be admired for addressing the issue, and looking for answers to better it! Good Luck I will pray it all works out for you:D
 
Nordar said:
Patrick,
I just wanted to say that regardless of what anyone said on here. Whether they think you are being unreasonable or not, I think you are to be admired for addressing the issue, and looking for answers to better it! Good Luck I will pray it all works out for you:D
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thanks:thumbsup:
 
Patrick7 said:
Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks alot for having on this board. I was born and raise catholic.

At the moment I am clashing with my wife on some domestic/household issues. I **told **my wife that I don’t feel it’s necessary to work since I make a very good salary ( and I mean very good). I suggested it is more important that she focus more on the domestic front and be a homemaker. I also suggested that instead of chasing a career, **she rather spend her time devoting herself to charitable causes and the community **since she will never “want”. Anything she needs/wants I can pretty much get several times over and in abundance.

I also asked her to **kindly ask **or let me know of her plans and where she is going, **since I as the man **give her enough respect to tell her where I am, what I am doing and how long I will be.

She tells me I am being unreasonable and controlling.

Fair enough, I work extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that anything she wants I can get.

After a few attempts I finally told her to do what she wants and I will say no more.

Are my being completely unreasonable? If I am, don’t be timid about telling me off.👍
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Maybe not completely, but very close.

Maybe you should stop “telling” and “suggesting” what she “should” do with her time. She is your wife and deserves your respect not commands.

Does she have to ask your permisson to go anywhere?

Your tone of having her stay home and not have a job does appear very controlling. This may be scaring her.

Women have had it drilled in to us from an early age that these are the two biggest red flags of an abusive husband.

Limiting access to money and restricting their movement by keeping them at home and/or needing to know every detail about when and where they go, what they did, why they went, and who they saw.

Many women want to have at least part-time job outside the home, even if they don’t have to for financial reasons. It is good for the self esteem and keeps the mind sharp.

If you work extra hard, how much time are you spending with her? How many hours a week do you work? More than 80?

Maybe she wants to work because she is lonely or bored.

How long have you been married? Kids? Pets?

I suggest that you have a good sit down with her and LISTEN.

What are her goals? Why is working outside the home important to her? (Does she have a degree she feels she will waste if she doesn’t work?), etc.

Maybe the money and stuff just isn’t as important to her as it is to you. Maybe she married you for companionship. Is that need being filled when you are “working hard”? If you don’t fill it, something else will.

Get the books His Needs/Her Needs and the 5 Love Languages
They both talk about finding and supporting your spouses basic emotional style and needs.

5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

His Needs Her Needs - Willard Harley

The Most Important Emotional Needs

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

OK, enough for now. 😉
 
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