Am I being unreasonable to my wife?

[dessert]

my mother was the one that stayed home with me the whole time. She didn’t like doing it but she did it anyway.my father was very busy but made an effort to be with me. In fact he couldn’t wait to get home to be with me. He was a computer consultant in the 70s and 80’s and had made a very good living.

My mother was an at home mom, but I was third in the line of siblings so she was used to it.
My mother worked at first I guess because we were babysat by some relatives, so do you have relatives nearby that can watch your beautiful baby you are expecting? I hope you will let us know I love babies and post a pic of the wee one. Is she a she or a he?
do you have a name ready?
D.

 

[MariaG]

Hi folks,

I spoke to the catholic priest about the matters pertaining to my wife. He feels he needs to see us both. In the mean time he suggested I try and speak with my wife and see thinks more from her perspective. He was very helpful and quite insightful.

He understands that I want to be the best provider and he and thinks that maybe I want to feel more “needed”.

He also says he will visit our home on Friday and have a talk with both of us to get her side of the story.

Will keep you updated.

Sounds like a level headed priest.

I pray that he will be able to help you both communicate better

God Bless,
Maria

 

[MariaG]

I have thought of that also. And I wouldn’t mind doing that at all. The children come first and I am willing to do this and sacrifice for my son/daughter. My wife feels the stay at home role is alittle disempowering and feels if I can commit to caring for the baby so can she, as it is a joint role.

Sounds like your wife needs to figure out that a stay at home mom has tremendous power. So speaks a stay at home mom of 18 years.

But I do think it is very important for one of the parents to stay at home with the children. Usually, since the husband makes more money, he is the logical choice to work and frequently, after a woman holds her baby for the first time, she no longer wishes to hand her child over to anyone else. (My cousin had every intention of returning to work but after her baby was born, she changed her mind completely)

 

[bpbasilphx]

Patrick7, something you should consider:

You don’t know when your life will end. What would become of your wife then?

I know you want to take care of her, but maybe it’s prudent to let her have a job.

Just an idea.

 

[Patrick7]

My mother was an at home mom, but I was third in the line of siblings so she was used to it.
My mother worked at first I guess because we were babysat by some relatives, so do you have relatives nearby that can watch your beautiful baby you are expecting? I hope you will let us know I love babies and post a pic of the wee one. Is she a she or a he?
do you have a name ready?
D.

my wife and I have decided to keep it anonymous between us. So non of us no the sex of the baby.

no I don’t have relatives near by. Most live far from me.

yes i will let you know.

 

[Patrick7]

Sounds like your wife needs to figure out that a stay at home mom has tremendous power. So speaks a stay at home mom of 18 years.

But I do think it is very important for one of the parents to stay at home with the children. Usually, since the husband makes more money, he is the logical choice to work and frequently, after a woman holds her baby for the first time, she no longer wishes to hand her child over to anyone else. (My cousin had every intention of returning to work but after her baby was born, she changed her mind completely)

I tried to tell her. but I am always wrong:shrug:

 

[dranzal]

Is she planning on breastfeeding? SAHD’s are great, but that’s something they typically can’t do.

If she isn’t planning to breast feed, why not?

 

[Rebelecka]

Patrick7. It’s certainly nice to know that you don’t have any relatives nearby. What about the wife?

Dear God, Man! Is this poor woman even a person to you?!?

It sounds to me like you are all tied up into knots and you have become fixated on your own views. You frequently say things to the effect of: “I’ll let her do what she wants,” etc. The two of you need to talk to each other with open hearts and minds. It sounds like you are mentally going around in a circle and maybe she is too. But the circles don’t touch or interact…

 

[jrabs]

When I said money for shoes I didn’t mean she asks me, I meant only when she is taking money out of the home** safe she tell me**, so I know how much is left. I got her to set-up an account so I can put a monthly amount in there. She receives a direct debit of £2000 a month in that account automatically. I gave her a special credit card as a “just in case” card. That card has £50,000 limit on it but I asked her to please use for emergencies only. She even has a power of attorney on my account.

If she does decide to take the job as a corporate lawyer and the church feels its the right move there is naught I can say. I will just have to grin my teeth and move on.

cheers

I see soooo many red flags here. You sound very possessive - controlling.

It seems to be about you and what you can give - in as much as YOU know about it. If she were to take money from the safe to buy a gift for you, you would know about it.

You have presented the situation that she must tell you each time she takes money, and the amount she takes. I think you mask it by adding that you will need to know how much remains.

I think that is a cover for a controlling person.

You give her a debit card and put money on it - as her allowance. Yet several times you insist you make a super living. Why would shoes put you over then? sheesh.

Let’s talk about becoming an attorney - which you implied that she was. WOW! What an accomplishment. To achieve that title takes determination, hard work and intelligence. Could be that she wants to exercise that honor she has achieved.

Typically speaking, many don’t just drop that kind of achievement after such hard work.

Being a stay home mom is a wonderful thing, but face it…not all women have that drive. Not saying the family or children are not essential, but some women do not have the patience or desire to stay home. One would have to tie me up before I stayed home every day all day long. My children would not enjoy the person I’d become.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Patrick7. It’s certainly nice to know that you don’t have any relatives nearby. What about the wife?

Dear God, Man! Is this poor woman even a person to you?!?

It sounds to me like you are all tied up into knots and you have become fixated on your own views. You frequently say things to the effect of: “I’ll let her do what she wants,” etc. The two of you need to talk to each other with open hearts and minds. It sounds like you are mentally going around in a circle and maybe she is too. But the circles don’t touch or interact…

Sorry, but I feel it’s the woman here who’s being selfish.

“MY needs. MY fulfillment. ME-me-me.”

Because of the monstrous degree of selfishness thas been promoted by feminism, women seem to have forgotten life isn’t about making themselves ‘feel good.’

(And I’m not talking about cases of dire economic need, okay?)

If your charism or calling isn’t to be a mother, then please don’t have children. Don’t have them merely because it’s expected of you. Don’t marry. Have your career instead.

Just as priests cannot marry, ordinary people cannot serve two masters.

But I wonder whatever happened to the Catholic concept of 'God first, others second, myself last?"

 

[jrabs]

But I wonder whatever happened to the Catholic concept of 'God first, others second, myself last?"

Exactly! The OP sounds like he injects much “Me” into the marriage.

As to your comments about women not having - God decides that, no?

 

[Brenda_V]

Sorry, but I feel it’s the woman here who’s being selfish.

“MY needs. MY fulfillment. ME-me-me.”

Because of the monstrous degree of selfishness thas been promoted by feminism, women seem to have forgotten life isn’t about making themselves ‘feel good.’

(And I’m not talking about cases of dire economic need, okay?)

If your charism or calling isn’t to be a mother, then please don’t have children. Don’t have them merely because it’s expected of you. Don’t marry. Have your career instead.

Just as priests cannot marry, ordinary people cannot serve two masters.

But I wonder whatever happened to the Catholic concept of 'God first, others second, myself last?"

Sailor Kenshin - you can not in all seriousness say that the woman is at fault here. We have only heard his side of the story which also makes me say we don’t know for certain that he is all that selfish or controlling.

We do know that he makes a good income, she is a lawyer and expecting their first child. He would like her to stay at home, we don’t know for sure exactly what her reasons are for not wanting to, just his perception or take on it. Much of how he writes sounds like he is possessive and controlling but that doesn’t mean he is, it just means he doesn’t communicate well.

I would like to point out though that our Eastern Brethren allow for married Priests, granted they must be married before they are ordained but they do allow for married Priests. A celibate, non-married Priesthood is a discipline of the Latin lung of the Church albeit one that is not going to be changed now or for a long time but as a discipline it can indeed be changed!

Brenda V.

 

[FLCathMom]

Why don’t you try to work out a compromise with your wife. Her career is important to her, and it is important for you to have her stay home with your child. Can she work from home? Maybe you can help her set up a home office and get a mother’s helper and have someone come in to clean the house so that she can still be your child’s primary caregiver and managing your household while keeping her career.

I consider myself a SAHM- I teach my children at home during the day, but I also have a part-time job that I do mostly from the house. I am out of the house ~10 hours/ week for work. We don’t need the money, but it is nice to have. We use it for extras for the children- mostly for extracurricular activities. I like being able to give my children these extras. My husband is happy with this arrangement. He was opposed to my working outside of the house because he had issues with his own mother working. We talked about this at length before my taking the positon and I left the final decision up to him because we had agreed before getting married that I would stay at home.

HTH

ETA:

Please let’s cut this guy some slack. It takes a lot of hard work to go from “me” and “you” to “us.” It sounds like he is trying.

 

[fnr]

Sorry, but I feel it’s the woman here who’s being selfish.

“MY needs. MY fulfillment. ME-me-me.”

You seem to know a lot about a complete stranger’s life. Your experiences and insights are not universal. To assume otherwise is called pride.

 

[Patrick7]

Sailor Kenshin - you can not in all seriousness say that the woman is at fault here.

And you can’t in all seriousness say I am at fault here.

Remember that I am the one taking the initiative.

Despite my busy schedule, I made the appointment to see the Catholic priest and the nun on Wednesday. , I am the one that registered on a catholic forum to ask other catholics if I am being unreasonable. If I didn’t care much for my wife then why are my wasting time asking lots of people I know and strangers about advice.

It works both ways.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

And there seems to be an awful lot of knee-jerk man-bashing on this thread.

 

[Patrick7]

And there seems to be an awful lot of knee-jerk man-bashing on this thread.

I kind of felt the same way.

 

[dessert]

I kind of felt the same way.

Have I done this Patrick? You better get some alligator skin because when on these forums everyone will give their IMHO, but no swearing is allowed and I don’t even like the #### because that means the person is really trying to say a bad word. I raise my hand I have done it too.

But what I wanted to give you is a site;

newadvent.org/cathen/11554a.htm

This will take you to the encyclopedia that you can look up St. Patrick bio it is really good and you can print anything off the site. And on this site you will see:

www.explorefaith.org

This also has a bit on St. Patrick.
just search anything even the CCC Catholic Church CAtechism

D.

 

[Patrick7]

Have I done this Patrick? You better get some alligator skin because when on these forums everyone will give their IMHO, but no swearing is allowed and I don’t even like the #### because that means the person is really trying to say a bad word. I raise my hand I have done it too.

But what I wanted to give you is a site;

newadvent.org/cathen/11554a.htm

This will take you to the encyclopedia that you can look up St. Patrick bio it is really good and you can print anything off the site. And on this site you will see:

www.explorefaith.org

This also has a bit on St. Patrick.
just search anything even the CCC Catholic Church CAtechism

D.

You are the exception, however you must admit that there is much male bashing going on.

Thanks for the links.

 

[Catholic90]

Oh, yuck.

Men and women are indeed created different. As Fadda John says, equal in dignity, but not the same.

Sailor, are you that insecure in your ability as a father that you feel fathers are unable to nurture and care for their children on a daily basis?
I am sorry for you.

I was fortunate enough to be a SAHM. My DH sorely wishes he had that ability. He missed a lot of “firsts”.
My son’s good friend was raised by both mom and dad staying home. Mom worked early shift while dad stayed home, and then when mom got home, dad left for work. Very stressful for them, but it works for them.
My neighbor is a SAHD for economic reasons. His wife is a chemical engineer and can support the family far better financially. He has fun with his kids and his kids are great and they are not in daycare.

Yes, Dads parent differently than Moms. But that is OK! I think if a dad wants to be a SAHD, he should be able to if it works for their family.

I know, Sailor, that you are caught up in the big “he-man” myth of men must hunt and kill and have little to no interaction with the kids, except for discipline, and I feel sorry for you. You miss out on so much that way.

Patrick, I think if you want to stay home with your child, you should be able to. Think of the great FUN you could have with him/her!

Most importantly, though, it is not US on this board who should decide any of this. It is you AND YOUR WIFE who should be discussing this!! How does she feel? Have you asked her?