Am I being unreasonable to my wife?

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If you told her to do what she wants and you will say no more, Why are you asking if you are being unreasonable and thinking about what else can be done?

If it’s a problem, seek some good counseling where your wife can share some insights into the problem as well.

Pardon me for saying so, but it appears as tho you are trying to rally support for your position without giving both side s of the story.

🤷
 
Patrick7 said:
Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the replies.

I was up working till 5am.

There are lots of things that I must answer to but I can answer all of them.

First on the issue of money. No I’m not tight with my wife on money. When I said money for shoes I didn’t mean she asks me, I meant only when she is taking money out of the home safe she tell me, so I know how much is left. I got her to set-up an account so I can put a monthly amount in there. She receives a direct debit of £2000 a month in that account automatically. I gave her a special credit card as a “just in case” card. That card has £50,000 limit on it but I asked her to please use for emergencies only. She even has a power of attorney on my account.

She also has a copy of keys to my safe at home incase she needs quick cash. Often time she hates using the credit cards (don’t ask me why:rolleyes: ) so she just takes cash from there when she goes out instead of using the ATM all the time. I trust her not to spend like crazy, all I say to her is that when she does take money out let me know so I know how much is left inside. My male buddies often tell me not to trust her with all of that but what do they know.

Yes, pay all the bills and all the utilites.

About my role as a husband, No I don’t see myself as the head but just the provider. She can play the head if she wants. its not that important to me as long as I don’t get pushed around. My wife feels that males being the head of household is church non-sense. I can’t complain because she may be right.🤷

If she does decide to take the job as a** corporate lawyer **and the church feels its the right move there is nought I can say. I will just have to grin my teeth and move on.👍

cheers
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You know how many years it takes to be a lawyer? No wonder she doesn’t want to quit. That is quite an accomplishment.

She may decide to move to part time after the baby. Or she could have her office at home with a maid and part time nanny. That way she could have more time with the baby.

Telecommuting is very common these days.
 
I didn’t vote. The way you are putting things makes you sound like you love you best. I mean, why did you marry this woman? I’m guessing that it wasn’t for her mind. In that you say you are spending more time at work to “avoid” things, maybe she wants to have some friends and people who like the things she likes and who can relate to her. I don’t think you relate to your wife very well. And isn’t it just too good of you to let her do what she wants. It sounds to me like you are puffed up on being the “great kahouna”, the “lord of the house” and the “great provider.” As long as little wife-y does what you want. Guess what dude? Money isn’t everything!!! I’m thinking that your wife may think, “yeah, I can spend money as I wish, but I can’t have friends and he won’t talk to me.” In the American West we used to call that being a “bird in a gilded cage.”

Have you ever thought about being a friend to your wife? It makes for the best marriages…
 
Katie1723 said:
👍
Sounds to me like the OP has an issue with being on a soap box saying “look at me!”
Kathy
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Sounds to me like the OP does have problems and is looking for the right way to correct them. If he was on that sop box like you say he would not be willing to listen to others or go to a Priest to try and work this out!
 
Patrick7 said:
Gosh! thats way too extreme I think.😃
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Yes it is, but you also need to take into account that your wives friends may be saying some things very similar. When a woman feels wronged as your wife does, what does she frequently do? She shares with her friends. And what do some women friends do? They commence a husband bashing session.
 
Hi folks,

I spoke to the catholic priest about the matters pertaining to my wife. He feels he needs to see us both. In the mean time he suggested I try and speak with my wife and see thinks more from her perspective. He was very helpful and quite insightful.

He understands that I want to be the best provider and he and thinks that maybe I want to feel more “needed”.

He also says he will visit our home on Friday and have a talk with both of us to get her side of the story.

Will keep you updated.👍
 
Patrick,

I think it’s important to let both parties find their roles though an honest and heartfelt process of discernment. I admire you for being supportive of her choices. However, it’s important that you both think beyond what you both want to what your family truly needs.

If your wife strongly feels that she needs to work outside the home, maybe you yourself should reflect on whether God has chosen you to be a “stay-at-home dad,” increasingly prevalent in the U.S.

Alternatively, if she feels that she needs to work simply to keep up with a societal image or you feel that she needn’t for the same reason, both you and your wife could probably do well from some prayerful reflection before you set about to arguing. Honesty and humility are both required elements in this type of discussion, and prayer is a wonderful way to enter that mindset. A prayer of consecration of my own heart, I have always felt, has been very effective in opening my mind when I reach an impasse. Alternatively, have a conversation with your priest who might have some helpful advice as well.

I doubt the right thing is an easily-found answer. I think it’s important not to impose our own versions of “the right thing to do,” but to truly let God speak through you. You could be right, your wife could be right, you both could be right, or neither could be.

Best of luck, and God bless!
 
Patrick7 said:
Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks alot for having on this board. I was born and raise catholic.

At the moment I am clashing with my wife on some domestic/household issues. I told my wife that I don’t feel it’s necessary to work since I make a very good salary ( and I mean very good). I suggested it is more important that she focus more on the domestic front and be a homemaker. I also suggested that instead of chasing a career, she rather spend her time devoting herself to charitable causes and the community since she will never “want”. Anything she needs/wants I can pretty much get several times over and in abundance.

I also asked her to kindly ask or let me know of her plans and where she is going, since I as the man give her enough respect to tell her where I am, what I am doing and how long I will be.

She tells me I am being unreasonable and controlling.

Fair enough, I work extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that anything she wants I can get.

After a few attempts I finally told her to do what she wants and I will say no more.

Are my being completely unreasonable? If I am, don’t be timid about telling me off.👍
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You are being unreasonable. She’s your wife, not your possession. Why does she want to work? To make friends? To use her skills and knowledge? To feel fulfilled? People work for many different reasons, but so what if you make a good salary. She obviously wants to contribute her own money.

How would you feel if everything you bought was with money earned by somebody else? What if you had to depend on another person for all your food, clothing, spending money, salon appointments, sodas, etc? It’s like asking Daddy for the keys to the car.
 
pmoo said:
You are being unreasonable. She’s your wife, not your possession. Why does she want to work? To make friends? To use her skills and knowledge? To feel fulfilled? People work for many different reasons, but so what if you make a good salary. She obviously wants to contribute her own money.
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I agree with you completely here. To the OP you say you give her everything she wants - well she *wants *to work.
pmoo said:
How would you feel if everything you bought was with money earned by somebody else? What if you had to depend on another person for all your food, clothing, spending money, salon appointments, sodas, etc? It’s like asking Daddy for the keys to the car.
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You would only feel this way if your spouse made you feel this way or through insecurity you made yourself feel this way.

I only work 5 hours a week to keep my job open incase we need extra money and then I can increase my hours. I have never, ever felt the way you discribed. I do not have to ask for permission to take money out of the bank or use my debit card. I certainly would never make a large purchase w/o discussing it with my husband first, he wouldn’t either w/o discussing it with me.

There has never been your money or my money it has always, always been our money. When I didn’t work at all it was our money, when my husband was laid off and I worked it was our money. We are married, not room mates. We aren’t just talking about “someone else”, we’re talking about a spouse.
 
fnr said:
Patrick,

If your wife strongly feels that she needs to work outside the home, maybe you yourself should reflect on whether God has chosen you to be a “stay-at-home dad,” increasingly prevalent in the U.S.
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Oh, yuck.

Men and women are indeed created different. As Fadda John says, equal in dignity, but not the same.
 
fnr said:
If your wife strongly feels that she needs to work outside the home, maybe you yourself should reflect on whether God has chosen you to be a “stay-at-home dad,” increasingly prevalent in the U.S.
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I have thought of that also. And I wouldn’t mind doing that at all. The children come first and I am willing to do this and sacrifice for my son/daughter. My wife feels the stay at home role is alittle disempowering and feels if I can commit to caring for the baby so can she, as it is a joint role.
 
Sailor_Kenshin said:
Oh, yuck.

Men and women are indeed created different. As Fadda John says, equal in dignity, but not the same.
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I am saying this as gently as possible, please do not “yuck” the idea of someone being a SAHD. I was raised by a SAHD, because in this particular case it was best for the family. I agree we are created differently, but that doesn’t mean that men are incapable. Choosing to be a SAHD should be admired, in the same way as it should be when women decide to be SAHM’s. I am a SAHM by they way, because that is what is best for my family. 🙂
To the OP, I haven’t read them all, so forgive me if this is a repeat… You mentioned that you give her any money she asks for. Now, you may not realize that it sounds this way, but when she has to ask it changes the partnership from equals to parent child. She should need to ask, This isn’t to say she should spend money all willy nilly, big purchases should be discussed. A good option would be to set up an account for her where you deposit money, she is able to do with it what she wishes, without asking for money.
Also, if she isn’t the one choosing to stay at home, she may resent you for it later. She may never see the joys of staying at home with children, because it wasn’t what she chose. At some point in the future she may want to, but it really needs to be her decision.
 
And I feel very strongly that if a woman doesn’t want to stay home with her kids, at least when they’re little, she shouldn’t become a mother.

That’s fine. Not all women are cut out to be mothers, but the mother/child bond is one of the strongest in existence.

HOW could you trust the raising of your precious babies to a stranger? To a group of strangers?

Can you ever replace that moment when the little one says her first word? Takes her first step? Do you trust a stranger to take care of her in an emergency?

I really, really have to shake my head in dismay at how far around the bend we have gone as a society.

All the OP seemed to want to do is be a good, traditional provider for his family. My head’s spinning—since when has that become an arrogant position?
 
Sailor, make no mistake I am in no way at all suggesting leaving the child rearing to strangers. I am in total agreement that a parent should stay at home with the children. My only disagreement is that men are capable too. 🙂 I fully agree there is no bond like that of mother and child. But, sometimes, the dad staying at home is the better option.
I also want to add that I don’t think the OP is being arrogant. That doesn’t mean his wife doesn’t think that though, perhaps she does. How men and women think is different. His intent may be one thing, her perception another.
I wanted to add this one thing, I agree about missing the firsts, but why should dad miss them? More OT though is that, in this case if the wife doesn’t want to stay at home some of the joy will be taken out of it. If the husband steps back and waits it out, the wife may very well decide that staying home and raising the children is something she is not willing to miss out on.
 
This story thread is sounding more and more like another professional couple, I wonder if Bill and Hillary Clinton went through this.

It is also sounding like a soap opera or a Jerry! Jerry!

Why don’t you let your wife have her say on this thread.

I disagrree with professional women having only one child, and I have heard them say to get it over with this is so crass . And if they have a boy oh good now that’s it.
D.
 
Patrick7 said:
I have thought of that also. And I wouldn’t mind doing that at all. The children come first and I am willing to do this and sacrifice for my son/daughter. My wife feels the stay at home role is alittle disempowering and feels if I can commit to caring for the baby so can she, as it is a joint role.
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Were you left at home a lot when you were growing up?
Did your parents stay at home with you?
D.
 
dessert said:
Were you left at home a lot when you were growing up?
Did your parents stay at home with you?
D.
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my mother was the one that stayed home with me the whole time. She didn’t like doing it but she did it anyway.my father was very busy but made an effort to be with me. In fact he couldn’t wait to get home to be with me. He was a computer consultant in the 70s and 80’s and had made a very good living.
 
Sailor_Kenshin said:
And I feel very strongly that if a woman doesn’t want to stay home with her kids, at least when they’re little, she shouldn’t become a mother.

That’s fine. Not all women are cut out to be mothers, but the mother/child bond is one of the strongest in existence.

HOW could you trust the raising of your precious babies to a stranger? To a group of strangers?

Can you ever replace that moment when the little one says her first word? Takes her first step? Do you trust a stranger to take care of her in an emergency?

I really, really have to shake my head in dismay at how far around the bend we have gone as a society.

All the OP seemed to want to do is be a good, traditional provider for his family. My head’s spinning—since when has that become an arrogant position?
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A large percentage of children of working parents are cared for by family, most often the grandparents -or a family friend. Not exactly strangers.

I have pretty much been mostly a stay-at-home mom. I have kept a part time job but my husband and I work opposite shifts so my daughter is cared for by her father (or occasionally grandparents) when I am not in the home. At this point I work a very small amount, and when she was a baby I also worked less than 10 hours a week.
 
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