D
dessert
Guest
Push the quote button first and then it will bring up the post # quote you want not sure about quoting two or more seperate posts on one reply?It takes a little practice to navigate around here.
D.
- Status
D.
M
MariaG
Guest
Post #52
Post #53
Post #53
My previous post, #51 has nothing to do with what Sailor posted. In fact, no one actually commented on what Sailor posted even though Sailor was sure they were going to get flamed for post #39.Um. Who are you talking to?
Since your post is right after mine…
Excuse me?
M
MariaG
Guest
hit the +sign next to the quote button. It will let you quote multiple posts. When you have hit the “+” sign for all the posts you want, hit the quote button and all will appear.
G
gardenswithkids
Guest
I also voted “hard to say.”
If she thinks you are unreasonable and controlling, part of the problem might be different communication styles. You wrote regarding making a very good income, so I assume you are successful in business. Often the leadership traits that help a person succeed business can come across as “bosy” to people in their personal lives.
While you may honestly be only making suggestions, you might say in an authoritative manner. Your suggestions may sound more like orders to her. Sometimes people (more commonly women) phrase their orders in the form of questions so it sounds “nicer”. We may say things like, “Honey, could you please take out the trash?” (When I ask my teenage sons that question, no is not an option.
)
While you may be working hard to provide a good income for your pregnant wife, you both need to work together to create a happy home. It sounds like the fancy, big house you live in needs to be turned into a home. Do your part to build that home–and that doesn’t mean just making money.
If she thinks you are unreasonable and controlling, part of the problem might be different communication styles. You wrote regarding making a very good income, so I assume you are successful in business. Often the leadership traits that help a person succeed business can come across as “bosy” to people in their personal lives.
While you may honestly be only making suggestions, you might say in an authoritative manner. Your suggestions may sound more like orders to her. Sometimes people (more commonly women) phrase their orders in the form of questions so it sounds “nicer”. We may say things like, “Honey, could you please take out the trash?” (When I ask my teenage sons that question, no is not an option.
)Stop using your work as an excuse to avoid your wife. That may help you succeed at work, but it won’t help you succeed at home. If you aren’t happy at home, your wife won’t be happy at home either.
While you may be working hard to provide a good income for your pregnant wife, you both need to work together to create a happy home. It sounds like the fancy, big house you live in needs to be turned into a home. Do your part to build that home–and that doesn’t mean just making money.
M
mysitar
Guest
Think of it this way: If you worked hard all you life to get a career you always dreamed of, and then someone told you to give it up, wouldn’t you be mad?
I should also mention that my mother raised three kids and had a career the entire 17 years that we’ve been around, with my dad working full time as well, and we all turned out just fine. My mother would flip out (in a bad way) if my father told her to stop working. So it’s definatley possible to be both a mother and have a career
Plus, she raised me to actually earn what I want, not have it handed down to me. And the feeling it gives you is the greatest. Maybe your wife is like this too. Would you want to take that feeling away from her? Remember, you’re married, and it’s still a relationship. You should be able to ‘relate’ to one another.
I should also mention that my mother raised three kids and had a career the entire 17 years that we’ve been around, with my dad working full time as well, and we all turned out just fine. My mother would flip out (in a bad way) if my father told her to stop working. So it’s definatley possible to be both a mother and have a career
Plus, she raised me to actually earn what I want, not have it handed down to me. And the feeling it gives you is the greatest. Maybe your wife is like this too. Would you want to take that feeling away from her? Remember, you’re married, and it’s still a relationship. You should be able to ‘relate’ to one another.
D
DJgang
Guest
OP (Patrick) I bet you are a workaholic…(maybe even own your own business)
My husband is a workaholic, and it’s lonely when he loves his job so much, spends alot of time there, rarely calls home to let me know when he’s going to be home so that I can have supper for him, etc.
Yet, I go to Mass last night and was gone two hours, I had four missed phone calls…because…well, he can’t handle the kids, he can’t handle being at home.
I sense that you want your wife home because you are not.
I haven’t read entire thread, just bits and pieces.
My husband is a workaholic, and it’s lonely when he loves his job so much, spends alot of time there, rarely calls home to let me know when he’s going to be home so that I can have supper for him, etc.
Yet, I go to Mass last night and was gone two hours, I had four missed phone calls…because…well, he can’t handle the kids, he can’t handle being at home.
I sense that you want your wife home because you are not.
I haven’t read entire thread, just bits and pieces.
M
MariaG
Guest
Probably meant post number 51. When “I”, a housewife and mother or 19 years gave my personal opinion of how “I” would feel to have had to ask my husband for money for every pair of shoes I had bought in the last 19 years. That would be a very demeaning and devaluing thing to have felt.
But I guess that is just too mean to share how “I” would have felt
Wouldn’t want to upset people with the truth of how they might be making their spouse feel, especially when he says that was not the intent of their actions.
B
bunnynessuk
Guest
Some women are not born to sit and home all day particularly whn there are no children there. Is your issue that she should give up work now pre child and remain this way or that she should after giving birth stay at home for maternity leave or maybe longer?? As those are two different issues.
if you have joint accounts (as indeed a marital partnership would imply) your wife should be able to take her card and buy as she pleases so long as this does not impose on your families stability (eg if she has a gambling habbit or over the top spending habit) she does not need your permission. If you manage to establish this you may find she is more amenable to discussions regarding her giving up a career which gives her automatic access to at least some money.
As for the job let her work if she wants so long as it doesnt damage her youve already stressed that you get a very good wage so her working is not merely for the omoney and more likely because she recieves some self worth etc!
Be a man and listen to ya woman! (behind every great man is a woman who knows what she is doing - sorry but it true you fell in love with her for her dont force her into anything else!)
if you have joint accounts (as indeed a marital partnership would imply) your wife should be able to take her card and buy as she pleases so long as this does not impose on your families stability (eg if she has a gambling habbit or over the top spending habit) she does not need your permission. If you manage to establish this you may find she is more amenable to discussions regarding her giving up a career which gives her automatic access to at least some money.
As for the job let her work if she wants so long as it doesnt damage her youve already stressed that you get a very good wage so her working is not merely for the omoney and more likely because she recieves some self worth etc!
Be a man and listen to ya woman! (behind every great man is a woman who knows what she is doing - sorry but it true you fell in love with her for her dont force her into anything else!)
M
Matas
Guest
Aren’t some of us projecting our own sad situations onto Patrick7? Aren’t we being just a tad judgemental, without having all of the facts?
M
MariaG
Guest
M
Matas
Guest
Nope.
But then what do I know, I am just a meanie
I never called you a meanie.
N
Nordar
Guest
Nope no one is being judgemental, and no one is being mean It seems to me that you are making way more out of this situation than it is by accusing others of being judgemental, meanies.
Everyone who has posted is just trying to let Patrick see things from a different angle, no one is judging him.
N
Nordar
Guest
You and me bothNope.
But then what do I know, I am just a meanie
M
MariaG
Guest
I am the poster in #53.
My inference is that #52 and #53 posters, as well as the one who said that we were not getting personal are specifically mentioned as “meanies”.
But maybe you meant some other meanie?
Respectfully, the OP DID ask. And most people respond to this type of thing by personalizing it and giving advice from their personal perspective.
If he had wanted a more professional anaylsis, he should have just waited for the couseling with his priest.
Peace,
Maria
E
Em_in_FL
Guest
I voted “YES” that you are being unreasonable with your wife.
I believe this issue is UNIQUE to each individual person. Husbands and wives need to work TOGETHER as ONE in making their life decisions. If the wife is unhappy, then the couple needs to work together to help get her to a better place. This isn’t about a single vocation being “better or worse” than another… it’s about a unique married couple’s ability to love each other.
Working or staying at home is NOT something that’s dictated by the church… don’t ever imply it is!
Money isn’t always everything! Clearly your wife isn’t wanting to work for the money (if you give her as much financial freedom as you say)… she has a need that isn’t being met at home.
I’m glad you plan on speaking to a priest… sounds like you’re taking the right steps.
BTW - I am a working mother. I would love to be able to spend more time at home. I would NOT want this to be dictated by my husband.
I believe this issue is UNIQUE to each individual person. Husbands and wives need to work TOGETHER as ONE in making their life decisions. If the wife is unhappy, then the couple needs to work together to help get her to a better place. This isn’t about a single vocation being “better or worse” than another… it’s about a unique married couple’s ability to love each other.
Working or staying at home is NOT something that’s dictated by the church… don’t ever imply it is!
Money isn’t always everything! Clearly your wife isn’t wanting to work for the money (if you give her as much financial freedom as you say)… she has a need that isn’t being met at home.
I’m glad you plan on speaking to a priest… sounds like you’re taking the right steps.
BTW - I am a working mother. I would love to be able to spend more time at home. I would NOT want this to be dictated by my husband.
J
jazzbaby1
Guest
I haven’t read the other posts, but yes I think you’re being unreasonable about her working.
Your emphasis on what a fabulous salary you make, what a great house you own, and in what a wonderful (and I mean wonderful) neighborhood it’s situated all scream vanity to me. I think you want her to quit working at a paid position and do charity work instead because it appeals to YOUR vanity to be in that position financially. That being said you, as her husband, are supposed to love her more than your own life and that includes more than your own ego. I think – and I say this with love for both of you – that you need to spend some time thinking about what the true role of a husband is and then I think that you need to read Proverbs 31.
Your emphasis on what a fabulous salary you make, what a great house you own, and in what a wonderful (and I mean wonderful) neighborhood it’s situated all scream vanity to me. I think you want her to quit working at a paid position and do charity work instead because it appeals to YOUR vanity to be in that position financially. That being said you, as her husband, are supposed to love her more than your own life and that includes more than your own ego. I think – and I say this with love for both of you – that you need to spend some time thinking about what the true role of a husband is and then I think that you need to read Proverbs 31.
P
Patrick7
Guest
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all the replies.
I was up working till 5am.
There are lots of things that I must answer to but I can answer all of them.
First on the issue of money. No I’m not tight with my wife on money. When I said money for shoes I didn’t mean she asks me, I meant only when she is taking money out of the home safe she tell me, so I know how much is left. I got her to set-up an account so I can put a monthly amount in there. She receives a direct debit of £2000 a month in that account automatically. I gave her a special credit card as a “just in case” card. That card has £50,000 limit on it but I asked her to please use for emergencies only. She even has a power of attorney on my account.
She also has a copy of keys to my safe at home incase she needs quick cash. Often time she hates using the credit cards (don’t ask me why ) so she just takes cash from there when she goes out instead of using the ATM all the time. I trust her not to spend like crazy, all I say to her is that when she does take money out let me know so I know how much is left inside. My male buddies often tell me not to trust her with all of that but what do they know.
Yes, pay all the bills and all the utilites.
About my role as a husband, No I don’t see myself as the head but just the provider. She can play the head if she wants. its not that important to me as long as I don’t get pushed around. My wife feels that males being the head of household is church non-sense. I can’t complain because she may be right.
If she does decide to take the job as a corporate lawyer and the church feels its the right move there is nought I can say. I will just have to grin my teeth and move on.
cheers
Thanks for all the replies.
I was up working till 5am.
There are lots of things that I must answer to but I can answer all of them.
First on the issue of money. No I’m not tight with my wife on money. When I said money for shoes I didn’t mean she asks me, I meant only when she is taking money out of the home safe she tell me, so I know how much is left. I got her to set-up an account so I can put a monthly amount in there. She receives a direct debit of £2000 a month in that account automatically. I gave her a special credit card as a “just in case” card. That card has £50,000 limit on it but I asked her to please use for emergencies only. She even has a power of attorney on my account.
She also has a copy of keys to my safe at home incase she needs quick cash. Often time she hates using the credit cards (don’t ask me why
) so she just takes cash from there when she goes out instead of using the ATM all the time. I trust her not to spend like crazy, all I say to her is that when she does take money out let me know so I know how much is left inside. My male buddies often tell me not to trust her with all of that but what do they know.Yes, pay all the bills and all the utilites.
About my role as a husband, No I don’t see myself as the head but just the provider. She can play the head if she wants. its not that important to me as long as I don’t get pushed around. My wife feels that males being the head of household is church non-sense. I can’t complain because she may be right.
If she does decide to take the job as a corporate lawyer and the church feels its the right move there is nought I can say. I will just have to grin my teeth and move on.
cheers
W
Woodstock
Guest
A man is the head of a household just as Christ is the head of the Church. The verse you quoted before spoke of a husband being willing to give his life for his wife just as Christ did for the Church. It sounds like your primary love language is to provide financial security and stability for your wife, and her primary love language is something else which causes her to not appreciate your efforts and you to be frustrated because you are working so hard to show how much you love her.About my role as a husband, No I don’t see myself as the head but just the provider. She can play the head if she wants. its not that important to me as long as I don’t get pushed around. My wife feels that males being the head of household is church non-sense. I can’t complain because she may be right.
As for being head of the household, it doesn’t necessarily mean being the bigger breadwinner. That’s how *you *express love, and it is a legitimate desire to want to provide for your wife and child. Being head of household is so much more. It means saying your morning and evening prayers, being an example of the virtues and of a lived faith, and making loving, wise, gentle, positive decisions in your life that always respect God and family. You can do that while your wife is a lawyer.
Marriage counseling would probably help you. In your situation, it might be agreeable to both of you that the money you earn is earmarked for necessities like housing and bills while the money your wife earns for luxuries. That way, you can continue to express love through your role as provider. If she is making enough to provide the needed luxuries, you might even be able to take off work a little more often and spend more time with the baby, knowing that you are providing for all his needs still, both physical and emotional.
There are some good books out there for this topic. Someone could probably jump in and recommend them. I’ve remember these being mentioned before:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly
Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West
R
redpepper
Guest
I have a question for Patrick (ypu do not have to answer it). Was your marriage a sort of arranged or semi-arranged marriage?
K
kage_ar
Guest
How long and detailed was your Pre-Cana (or pre-marital counceling with the Parish)?
- Status