Am I being unreasonable to my wife?

[Woodstock]

You are the exception, however you must admit that there is much male bashing going on.

Thanks for the links.

It has nothing to do with you being a man. If your wife had been the one to come and given her side of the story, they would have given you the benefit of the doubt and told her just as sternly what they thought about how she could change the situation. It has to do with the fact that you are the one who put yourself on the line and are willing to change, so they are suggesting ways on how. Your being a man has nothing to do with it.

 

[Nordar]

Sorry, but I feel it’s the woman here who’s being selfish.

“MY needs. MY fulfillment. ME-me-me.”

Because of the monstrous degree of selfishness thas been promoted by feminism, women seem to have forgotten life isn’t about making themselves ‘feel good.’
"

Your kidding right? Last time I looked The OP’s wife has not posted, or did I miss that post?

How do you get that “It’s the woman here who is being selfish” “MY needs, MY fulfillment, ME me me”? When no one has heard from her?

Because of the monstrous degree of self righteous condemnation against women by you. It seems you have forgotten that life has problems and that the OP seems to be making all efforts to work his out! Your character assination of women is insulting! we are very well aware that life is so much more than Making Us feel good, As you put it…

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Sailor, are you that insecure in your ability as a father that you feel fathers are unable to nurture and care for their children on a daily basis?
I am sorry for you.

I was fortunate enough to be a SAHM. My DH sorely wishes he had that ability. He missed a lot of “firsts”.
My son’s good friend was raised by both mom and dad staying home. Mom worked early shift while dad stayed home, and then when mom got home, dad left for work. Very stressful for them, but it works for them.
My neighbor is a SAHD for economic reasons. His wife is a chemical engineer and can support the family far better financially. He has fun with his kids and his kids are great and they are not in daycare.

Yes, Dads parent differently than Moms. But that is OK! I think if a dad wants to be a SAHD, he should be able to if it works for their family.

I know, Sailor, that you are caught up in the big “he-man” myth of men must hunt and kill and have little to no interaction with the kids, except for discipline, and I feel sorry for you. You miss out on so much that way.

Yes! That’s right! You caught me out and exposed my shortcomings to the world. I hang my head in shame.

 

[dessert]

Patrick7. It’s certainly nice to know that you don’t have any relatives nearby. What about the wife?

Dear God, Man! Is this poor woman even a person to you?!?

It sounds to me like you are all tied up into knots and you have become fixated on your own views. You frequently say things to the effect of: “I’ll let her do what she wants,” etc. The two of you need to talk to each other with open hearts and minds. It sounds like you are mentally going around in a circle and maybe she is too. But the circles don’t touch or interact…

This was not nice, of course I knew his wife was there and this is a good joke I’ll have to tell my dh when he gets home, did you know dear that you are a relative, he will say oh you mean your long lost hillbilly 4th cousin how did you find out

I guess everthing is relative to you I suppose!
D.

 

[jrabs]

You are the exception, however you must admit that there is much male bashing going on.

Thanks for the links.

Really? Which posts? I do not see this as a sexist thing. I have not seen a single post that made this into a man issue.

You simply described your actions and thoughts and many of us gave dissenting opinions.

Perhaps you don’t appreciate a dissenting opinion. Odd that your praise of one poster in particular is because he shares your sentiments and feelings.

That does not strike me as desiring opinions of others and seeking a compromise with your wife. It appears that you are seeking affirmation.

When you ask a question on a forum and look for opinions, you best put your thick skin on and buckle in for a bumpy ride.

 

[jmcrae]

This was not nice, of course I knew his wife was there and this is a good joke I’ll have to tell my dh when he gets home, did you know dear that you are a relative, he will say oh you mean your long lost hillbilly 4th cousin how did you find out

I guess everthing is relative to you I suppose!
D.

I understood him to mean, "Are there any relatives of the family (meaning, himself and his wife - not just his own relatives, but hers, too) living in the area?

And Patrick answered by saying, no, his own relatives don’t live nearby - but nothing about whether his wife has any relatives living nearby. (Which makes me wonder again whether this is a hypothetical - is Patrick actually married? Because the first thing you realize at your wedding is that you are now related to your spouse’s relatives, too - not just your own.)

 

[Patrick7]

This was not nice, of course I knew his wife was there and this is a good joke I’ll have to tell my dh when he gets home, did you know dear that you are a relative, he will say oh you mean your long lost hillbilly 4th cousin how did you find out

I guess everthing is relative to you I suppose!
D.

actual is more harmless sarcasms then a joke since its so witty.

 

[dessert]

I understood him to mean, "Are there any relatives of the family (meaning, himself and his wife - not just his own relatives, but hers, too) living in the area?

And Patrick answered by saying, no, his own relatives don’t live nearby - but nothing about whether his wife has any relatives living nearby. (Which makes me wonder again whether this is a hypothetical - is Patrick actually married? Because the first thing you realize at your wedding is that you are now related to your spouse’s relatives, too - not just your own.)

Well of course he would say that because I didn’t specify his wife ither. I was thinking of her mother but I forgot to ask about her mother or relatives, no he is not very giving out too much only answers ?'s with yes or no or short answers he is new. When I was new I was afraid to reveal too much not knowing about forums etc and leary of who i might come in contact with. Just give him time he’ll be posting pages and pages just like all the rest.
So maybe the Spirit will make an honest person of him.

He did say he went to a priest and nun, do you think he lied about that and lie to the priest and then admit it, come on you are not being logical and you are usually but I agrree I’m not trying to TAKE SIDES just keep it as a new poster and hope he can develop into a good father that God wants him to be.
I’m a woman so I don’t a lot about fatherhood so mayb emore Catholic fathers could get on this thread and give him some advice like some stay at home dads or ones with ten kids and tell him how they make it work.
I’m sorry I will bow out… I did appreciate all the inks I got when I started jm.
If he is not married he should tell us and tell the priest everything so that the Holy Spirit can work, He works in truth.
Is that better?
God bless You All D.

 

[dessert]

actual is more harmless sarcasms then a joke since its so witty.

I tend to do a lot of small talk instead of getting down to the nitty gritty.

I have to go out for several hours see you all later.

 

[Patrick7]

I tend to do a lot of small talk instead of getting down to the nitty gritty.

I have to go out for several hours see you all later.

look foward to talking to you again.

 

[Catholic90]

Yes! That’s right! You caught me out and exposed my shortcomings to the world. I hang my head in shame.

You do seem to be very uncomfortable around kids. You do have this “woman’s work” and “men’s work” hang-up.

Men CAN nurture and woman CAN be successful career people! They just do it differently, which is OKAY!!

 

[mlchance]

Everything in the OP sounds perfectly reasonable to me, Patrick, especially the part about your wife keeping you informed about where she’s going.

Now, some of the other stuff… You seem to have crossed a few lines. Marriage is an invioable sacrament, and your first duty as a husband is protect your wife, both body and soul. Don’t ever forget that. Adam did regarding Eve, and we’ve been suffering for it ever since.

– Mark L. Chance.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks alot for having on this board. I was born and raise catholic.

At the moment I am clashing with my wife on some domestic/household issues. I told my wife that I don’t feel it’s necessary to work since I make a very good salary ( and I mean very good). I suggested it is more important that she focus more on the domestic front and be a homemaker. I also suggested that instead of chasing a career, she rather spend her time devoting herself to charitable causes and the community since she will never “want”. Anything she needs/wants I can pretty much get several times over and in abundance.

I also asked her to kindly ask or let me know of her plans and where she is going, since I as the man give her enough respect to tell her where I am, what I am doing and how long I will be.

She tells me I am being unreasonable and controlling.

Fair enough, I work extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that anything she wants I can get.

After a few attempts I finally told her to do what she wants and I will say no more.

Are my being completely unreasonable? If I am, don’t be timid about telling me off.

I don’t think husbands should ‘decide’ for their wives, what their wives are to do with their time–nor should wives do the same to their husbands. Just my thoughts. It isn’t that you sound controlling, but it’s a slippery slope. Your wife is an individual…and she can make her own decisions. Whether or not you can support her, isn’t her issue…she might want to make her own money…and you should not stop her from doing that. If there are little kids in the picture, or on the horizon, that is a different ballgame. But, I don’t believe that a husband should tell his wife what to do…both should respect one another’s views and make mutual decisions…otherwise, marriages where one or the other party is controlling, usually don’t work out. Just my thoughts.

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, but I will say that she should tell you where she is…I mean, that is common courtesy.

 

[whatevergirl]

I would like to read “her” side of the story.

me 2

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi ladies and gents,

Sorry for the delay I have been working on some things.

ok to answer all the questions.

Does she have children? There is one on the way. so although she has not yet popped she still wants to work. why not stay home and relax. too much moving around doesn’t make sense and accidents can happen the more you move around pregnant. But hey I am not saying a single thing this time because if there is a problem. I told you so…

however when our marriage first began I did suggest she not work and let me provide but she sees domestic chores as being submissive. I can understand that so I don’t say much on that.

It seems to be a case of pride in asking for money from someone. But I am not someone. I am her man and that is what I am here for. If she asks I will give, as long as it reasonable. If she asks for monry for shoes. I will have no problem. If she ask me for her own personal jet. that would be difficult.

Are my controlling/abusive?No. I don’t try and force people. I offer advice and hope to God they make the right choice.

Are my protective?Yes, most definitely. I would rather sacrifice my time and energies to making sure my wife shall never want.

On the issue of the common courtesy of telling me where she is. I don’t expect to tell every time where she is. However if she is going to travel well out of our county of Buckinghamshire to travel 10miles to another town, that information, should she choose to pass it on, is of paramount importance. But to avoid being the bad guy I am not saying anything incase I get accused of being authoritarian.

‘she has not yet popped?’

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, yuck.

Men and women are indeed created different. As Fadda John says, equal in dignity, but not the same.

LOL sounds to me like you think being a SAHD would be beneath a man…

 

[Vanny]

I voted hard to say-because it’s hard to know without being there to observe your marriage.

Personally I never wanted to work- We discussed it before marriage. He told me he hoped that I would stay home and be a homemaker and raise the children- but if I really wanted to work- that would be up to me. I was ready to stay home and be a full time wife and mother, so it was a no-brainer, for me- but he gave me the option.

I usually always tell my husband where I’m going out of common courtesy- just as I expect him to do so- if he’s going to be home to notice me gone- but not always - if he’s at work and the kids are at school and go somewhere.- then I don’t tell anyone.

We discussed these issues before marriage- which I highly recommend-
What church to attend
That dh would be the spiritrual head of the family
how many children
If I would work after the children came- I did not want to nor did he want me to- so we knew that going into the marriage.

I had already been a working woman for nearly 19 years so I was more than ready to be a SAHM!!.

 

[Brenda_V]

Sailor Kenshin - you can not in all seriousness say that the woman is at fault here. We have only heard his side of the story which also makes me say we don’t know for certain that he is all that selfish or controlling.

We do know that he makes a good income, she is a lawyer and expecting their first child. He would like her to stay at home, we don’t know for sure exactly what her reasons are for not wanting to, just his perception or take on it. Much of how he writes sounds like he is possessive and controlling but that doesn’t mean he is, it just means he doesn’t communicate well.

I would like to point out though that our Eastern Brethren allow for married Priests, granted they must be married before they are ordained but they do allow for married Priests. A celibate, non-married Priesthood is a discipline of the Latin lung of the Church albeit one that is not going to be changed now or for a long time but as a discipline it can indeed be changed!

Brenda V.

And you can’t in all seriousness say I am at fault here.

Remember that I am the one taking the initiative.

Despite my busy schedule, I made the appointment to see the Catholic priest and the nun on Wednesday. , I am the one that registered on a catholic forum to ask other catholics if I am being unreasonable. If I didn’t care much for my wife then why are my wasting time asking lots of people I know and strangers about advice.

It works both ways.

That is right, it does work both ways which is why I said what I did. I quoted my entire post because I wanted you to re-read the whole thing, not just the part where I said “Sailor Kenshin - you can not in all seriousness say that the woman is at fault here.” I want you to really focus on the part of my post I highlighted in red. You got defensive because I defended your wife, I did not say you were at fault either!

Brenda V.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

You do seem to be very uncomfortable around kids. You do have this “woman’s work” and “men’s work” hang-up.

Men CAN nurture and woman CAN be successful career people! They just do it differently, which is OKAY!!

Wow. I’m surprised to learn that you know me in real life and can therefore “tell” how I am around kids.

Patrick, this is to you:

I support the traditional family. I applaud your attempt to be a traditional husband, father and breadwinner.

All of which means, of course, that I am ‘confused’ as to the role of men and women.