Am I going to hell because I told god I hated him

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Okay.
So you have several things going on at once, and trust me you’re not alone on that—lots of us juggle several issues at the same time.

Besides your basic self-care, I would strongly advise counseling to help you untangle the various threads of your suffering.

And of course you’re welcome to vent here, but o strongly advise you to make counseling a priority because you lack a RL support system

 

[guanophore]

My mom died from cancer…god didn’t heal her…

Actually, the ultimate healing is not found in this world, but the next. The Father allowed His own Son to die, and did not take the cup of suffering from Him.

…the guilt I feel for all the times I told her i hated her or for all the times I acted like a spoiled brat crying for things I didn’t need while she was in so much pain because of the cancer…

It is actually a sign of healing that you are feeling guilty for the times that you fell short of the love to which God calls each of us.

You must forgive yourself, as you ask HIs forgiveness, for these failures of charity. We all have them, but His grace covers them all.

Death brings into focus so many things that we cannot appreciate otherwise.

I wish I could go back in time and just be the best daughter ever

There is no need to “go back in time”. In fact, you can right now be the best daughter ever, and strive to be the woman of God that she wanted for you. This is a way of honoring her memory.

…god took away my chance to show her how much I loved her…

No, death and disease is a consequence of sin, which entered the world through disobedience.

You can show her how much you love her right now, by loving yourself, and loving your Creator.

he took my mother she was so good he heals people who don’t even believe in him and yet he wouldn’t heal her when she had so much faith he let her suffer so much the cancer spread through her entire body there where bumps all over her legs and head and sometimes she was stay awake crying rubbing her legs and using the heat from a hair dryer to try and take away the pain why would god do that to her why would he want us all to watch her waste away into a skeleton my heart hurts so much I can barely breath when she died I told him I hated him and the worst part is I don’t even feel sorry

It sounds like you need to forgive God, for allowing this suffering. He allowed His own son to be shamed, bloodied, stripped, beaten and nailed to the wood. God allowing suffering is not contrary to love. God allows suffering so that greater good can happen. Perhaps He allowed your mother to suffer so that your own soul could be saved? You can be delivered from your resentment, blame, bitterness and unforgiveness.

 

[DarkLight]

Pray. Pray even if you’re angry. Tell God that you’re angry, that you don’t understand. It does help.

Lashing out in pain is not what sends people to hell. I think from that you’re posting here, and from how you write, you do want to trust God on some level.

It’s a hard road, and it seems at times like this nothing we say will ever be enough.

 

[guanophore]

My faith in him has truly been shattered

You had a childish faith that needs to mature, so it is a good thing it has been shattered. God had to smash that clay pot into powder so a new and more mature vessel could be created.

…in my opinion he took her I know he’s a very busy man but he created the world it wouldn’t of taken much for him to heal her he took the only person I loved…

Yes, He is her Creator, and He gave her life, and He can take it up again. When He allows suffering and death to occur, it is because there is a greater good that can come of it.

If she is the only person you ever loved, then it was even more important that He take her from you. Otherwise, you will not learn to love yourself, Him, and others He has placed in your life for you to love. Love is more powerful than death, and this is a lesson that you may not be able to learn any other way.

…now I don’t love anyone not my father not my brothers or my sisters i don’t feel happy…

Rosie, love is a decision, not a feeling. God placed you in a family so that you can become perfected in love. Love is not about "feeling happy’ but walking in His grace and being a vessel of His grace.

I don’t feel sad I just feel empty emotionless I’ve cried all my tears my eyes are burning she will be the last person I’ll ever cry for I’ll never grieve for someone again

I hope, for your sake, this is not true. You are in bondage now, but when you are free, you will be able to love freely as He has created you to do, and to grieve when you feel loss.

 

[po18guy]

This is indeed a difficult situation. I am somewhat the opposite. I have expected to pass from this life each and every year since 2008. Have received the Anointing too many times to remember. Ready to go. I desire to go. I have not gone. So, I live on, knowing that God has a purpose for me.

I also recall Philippians 1:20 and following and 2 Corinithinas 5, in which Saint Paul writes that it is a far better thing to depart and be with the Lord - but we must remain here if it is God’s will. He has productive work for us.

You might read and ponder Matthew, chapter 5 (the Beatitudes). You are in mourning. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Note that “comforted” is in the future tense.

If you strongly believe that your mom is in heaven, your responsibility is to see that, once your life is lived to its fullness, you will see her there.

 

[Rosie11]

You don’t understand maybe if you saw how good she was she had so much faith she believed with every fibre of her being if my father couldn’t take us to mass we’d all walk no matter how far it was she’d wake us up extra early and we’d walk to mass She really wanted healing she went to Lourdes, medjugorji,knock etc but her prayers where met with silence too she still remained faithful till the end

 

[guanophore]

You don’t understand

My dear sister, you are understandably overcome with grief right now and are angry at God for taking your mother to Himself.

She really wanted healing she went to Lourdes, medjugorji,knock etc but her prayers where met with silence too she still remained faithful till the end

He has ended her bodily suffering and taken up her life from the earth. She has left you an example to follow - one that we can all follow- that we must be faithful to the end, no matter what the cost.

 

[Rosie11]

And what am I left with? Nothing.

 

[guanophore]

And what am I left with? Nothing.

This might be one of the most important reasons that her life had to be taken up from the earth. God wants you to be left with Him, yourself, and the purpose for which He placed you on earth. if you have not yet found this, or feel you lost it, now is the best time to discover it.

Great creativity and life can come out of the deepest grief.

 

[Rosie11]

That’s easy for you to say I would like nothing more than to love god and feel happiness wake up in the morning with a spring in my step happiness isn’t a choice I can’t simply choose to
Have faith or happyness

 

[Odilon]

No. I railed against God many times during a certain period in my life. He’s tough, he can take it. He realizes it is part of what you are going through here on earth and I don’t think He takes it personally. Death is that part of life that gets us out of here into the presence of the Almighty and it is something that must be accepted, not liked, but accepted.

 

[JerryZ]

He created the Heavens and the Earth and all that is above, in it and under it. He is not busy, There is not a drop of water or even an atom which is the smallest particle we can actually see that HE does not where it came from or where it is going and even where it will end up when the Universe has run its course and reaches its end.

Your mom was and is loved even now. To GOD she is not dead.
You are grieving because she is no longer available to your senses, but she is watching you and over you. Possibly praying that you can overcome your grief.
I hope that you read all the wonderful comments and take consolation. GOD loves you also and He is with you at your side even after you told HIM you hated him. When Jesus was on the cross hanging in the midst of 2 thieves many told Him to show them that He was the real Son of GOD by coming down from the cross. Many insulted HIM, mocked HIM.
Yet HE forgave them, HE said “FATHER forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”. HE will forgive you too when you are ready.

It is today reading at mass that seems very apropos for you.
Numbers Chapter 6 Verses 24-26
24 The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
26 the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

 

[DeniseNY]

I understand. I lost my mother in 2012 after a cancer battle. 3 surgeries, 2 different forms of immunotherapy. She died less than a year after being diagnosed. Maybe God took her when He did to alleviate her suffering. Maybe it was to spare our family from seeing her deteriorate even further. We don’t know. My heart still hurts because I love her and miss her. It’s not something I’ll ever understand, and to be honest, I stopped praying for a while after she died. Give yourself time and keep your heart open to the Lord. Her death may not ever make complete sense, but God will provide you with grace and comfort when you need it most.

 

[blackforest]

During one memorable session in the confessional, I told my priest that I was feeling really angry at God.

He didn’t wince. (He’s a priest, after all. I’m sure they hear this all the time). He just replied calmly, “It’s OK. He can take it.”

 

[Legend]

Firs, let me express my condolences. You are, if I recall correctly, about 19 or 20. These days, that’s young to lose a parent.

I would be surprised if you didn’t hate God, sometimes. We all do at times, often for smaller things than losing a parent! Go to confession, and tell the priest that you’re having trouble letting go of these feelings. He’s heard similar things before, and will give you ways to let go of your hate, more quickly. Try and work within the church ‘system’. You confess, and the priest gives you a solution, or ways to work through hurt feelings.

It’s especially difficult to have this happen during this festive season. You, and the rest of your family will be understood by God. Just go to him in prayer.

Try and find family members who can understand you. And, of course, God Bless!

 

[guanophore]

That’s easy for you to say

No, it is not. It has taken many decades to come to this realization.

I would like nothing more than to love god

This is fortunate, because love is a decision, not an emotion. Love is something we choose to do, especially when we don’t “feel” like it.

Am I going to hell because I told god I hated him?

No. It is a misunderstanding that hate is the opposite of love. The opposite of love is indifference. If you have enough investment in someone to “hate” them, then you are connected.

happiness isn’t a choice

It may not seem like it is, but there is a lot more choice involved than you may realize. At a time in my life when I was feeling the same as you have expressed here, I came across this book.

I realized that most of my mood/emotional problems came from dysfunctional thinking. If one changes one’s thinking, and conforms to what God says about who we are, one finds that life is much more tolerable. I will not say one is “happy” all the time, but certainly one can avoid the depths of despair.

wake up in the morning with a spring in my step

This is tough to do, especially when one is in grief over the loss of a loved one. One may not feel “springy” for quite some time. Each day is a new beginning, and how one approaches the day is primarily influenced by attitude. If one can focus on gratitude, one is more likely to be able to make it through the day.

“…give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

The Apostle does not say that we should be grateful FOR all things, but IN all things. All things, even the most painful, can be transformed by God into richness of life.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”( Lamentations 3)

His steadfast love is new every morning. Therefore, you can greet each morning saying" The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in Him"!

Have faith or happyness

Faith is the gift given to you by God at baptism, so you have it, whether you choose to exercise it, or not. It is like a muscle, if you don’t use it, it will atrophy.

You can choose where you place your faith, or if you wish to withhold your faith. Jesus says to you:

“According to your faith let it be done to you.” Matthew 9:29

Therefore if you choose not to place your faith in Him, despair will be the consequence for you. If you choose to place your faith in Him, He is faithful, and will keep His promises.

 

[Rosie11]

Maybe a trip to st Patrick’s purgatory in Lough derg or medjugorji will straighten out my mind

 

[guanophore]

Maybe a trip to st Patrick’s purgatory in Lough derg or medjugorji will straighten out my min

It is a good time to make a pilgrimage. It is a major life reorganization and is not easy. It feels as though ones whole foundations have become disconnected.

As far as keeping the mind straight, human beings are prone to the gears slipping, and we must also do battle with the world, the flesh, and the devil. For this reason, the battleground of the mind is a rather constant field.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

The transformation of our minds is an ongoing, continual process. It does help to go on a retreat or pilgrimage once in a while, but remaining in the Mass (daily if possible) and in the Scriptures is like taking daily vitamins for thinking. Using a form of scriptural meditation such as Lectio Divina helps transform the mind.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God.” Colossians 3:16

Letting the word of Christ dwell in us richly helps to transform our minds into consistency with His mind. Strive to honor the memory of your mother by living the kind of faith she did - never giving up, steadfast to the end.