Am I overreacting and worrying too much

[Carjack1]

I don’t agree with testing your DH like this. :nope:

If I was in your shoes I’d meet her with your DH present or their would be no friendship. This woman is weird. This whole thing is weird.

This wasn’t meant as a test, but I could see how it looks that way

 

[Cristiano]

Ok, you gave something to think about. Thank You.

Carjack,

sorry if I were too blunt. That nut-case should not come to your house period. Your husband should make it clear to her that her behaviors are making you uncomfortable, and that because you are more important than her he will stop interacting with her. If she his a sensitive person she will say “fine”. If she is not, than there is no reason to be her friend.

I do not think that at this point in time either of you can handle such a manipulative person in a satisfactory and non damaging manner. Being a good person is different from being a submissive one. You are a good woman and the charitable thing to do at this time is to cut the communications between your family and that woman. Anything else is being submissive.

 

[surfinpure]

My husband saiid that I was just thinking of her as a friend and not a female

I don’t buy that. Not after he told you she is “slender and cute.” I’ve studied men one-on-one for a long time, and I know beyond a doubt they don’t think of “slender and cute” women as “non-females.” Nope. Doesn’t fly. :nope:

 

[Carjack1]

I don’t buy that. Not after he told you she is “slender and cute.” I’ve studied men one-on-one for a long time, and I know beyond a doubt they don’t think of “slender and cute” women as “non-females.” Nope. Doesn’t fly. :nope:

I did ask him what she looked like. So that was sort of my fault.

 

[Nordar]

Well, call me a pessimist but honestly, I think this woman is just trying to do what she has to do get what she wants. She wants you to feel comfortable enough with her to let her spend time alone with your DH. This is MHO, I hope I’m wrong. But like I said I have BTDT and I know the type that she seems to be. All I’m sayin is Carjack, don’t be fooled by her wiley ways k?

I think she’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs myself…

Agreed:thumbsup: Like I said before I see no reason for her to even meet with this woman. By meeting with her she is giving her way to much power. She should not be in their lifes period, so meeting with her makes absolutly no sense.

 

[shannyk]

Carjack…may I be bluntly honest?

It seems like you are afraid, for whatever reason, to say NO to your DH and stick to your guns about it. It seems like you are bending over backwards and sideways to not make him mad at you. It seems like you are afraid of alienating him by standing your ground about this whole charade, because you know he won’t ‘get it’ and will make you out to be the ogre. Honestly, he should know better, without having to be told, that this whole thing is…inappropriate. If you are that worried about making him angry, and taking it out on you, then there is a deeper problem here.

Like I said before I GET the whole insecurity thing (we not so slim women have), but hon, this is just too much. It really is. This woman is just tangling you up in her web. She has already shown she can’t be trusted. When people show you who they really are BELIEVE THEM!!

I am continuing to pray for you. :hug1:

 

[whatevergirl]

I did ask him what she looked like. So that was sort of my fault.

My dh describes women as attractive…whatever. I share thoughts about some men with him–it’s usually in the context of something else. Not just blurting it out, so I can see your husband’s description as not being out of line…seeing that you asked.

CARJACK…Please, I beg of you. Don’t go see this woman. Who cares if she wants to meet you? You are the one that matters. You don’t want to meet her,but feel drawn to doing it. I pray that you reconsider…pray for her, but that’s about the only smidgen of time I would spend on her. Please…don’t meet with her. I say this out of true heartfelt concern for you, as a sister in Christ…you seem like such a sweetheart. Don’t degrade yourself by meeting this woman. She doesn’t want to be your friend, trust me. Trust us all who are telling you this. ((hugs))

 

[Carjack1]

Carjack…may I be bluntly honest?

It seems like you are afraid, for whatever reason, to say NO to your DH and stick to your guns about it. It seems like you are bending over backwards and sideways to not make him mad at you. It seems like you are afraid of alienating him by standing your ground about this whole charade, because you know he won’t ‘get it’ and will make you out to be the ogre. I think you may be right. You are very observant. That is good quality to have Honestly, he should know better, without having to be told, that this whole thing is…inappropriate. If you are that worried about making him angry, and taking it out on you, then there is a deeper problem here.

Like I said before I GET the whole insecurity thing (we not so slim women have), but hon, this is just too much. It really is. This woman is just tangling you up in her web. She has already shown she can’t be trusted. When people show you who they really are BELIEVE THEM!!

I am continuing to pray for you. :hug1:

 

[shannyk]

She should not be in their lifes period, so meeting with her makes absolutly no sense.

Exactly!

Dh should be making plans to watch movies with YOU Carjack, spend time with YOU, build a friendship with YOU. YOU should be the first thing on his mind. If you are going to be working, I am 100% SURE that there are other more constructive, marriage edifying things he could be doing to keep himself busy/entertained.

 

[Carjack1]

My dh describes women as attractive…whatever. I share thoughts about some men with him–it’s usually in the context of something else. Not just blurting it out, so I can see your husband’s description as not being out of line…seeing that you asked.

CARJACK…Please, I beg of you. Don’t go see this woman. Who cares if she wants to meet you? You are the one that matters. You don’t want to meet her,but feel drawn to doing it. I pray that you reconsider…pray for her, but that’s about the only smidgen of time I would spend on her. Please…don’t meet with her. I say this out of true heartfelt concern for you, as a sister in Christ…you seem like such a sweetheart. Don’t degrade yourself by meeting this woman. She doesn’t want to be your friend, trust me. Trust us all who are telling you this. ((hugs))

To give my husband credit though, he said if I don’t like her and if I feel something is off, after meeting her, that he will will not talk to her ever again and that he is going to tell her why. I told him that is great because I don’t care about her feelings because obviously she doesn’t care about mine.

 

[Nordar]

So I told my husband yesterday that I will meet “Belinda” alone on Sunday and that he can hang out with her on Saturday(Unbeknown to him, my two best friends are going to pop up for a surprise visit) My mother too(she is a VERY intimidating and dominant woman. I am her opposite because I am on the passive side. I told him: “Let this be the LAST time you are alone with a non-female relative”. He said ok. I said I trust you, but you have to admit that this woman is a bit weird. He said that is why I want you to go alone on Sunday because I want to know what she has to say without me there. I said me too. I said that I am going to give her a piece of my mind and tell her I do not appreciate these stupid “prerequisites” I like my communication simple. I hope that I could keep my hands to myself. I sometimes have a short fuse:blush: My husband saiid that I was just thinking of her as a friend and not a female(this doesn’t surprise me, he is a politically correct, everything fits in the same box type of guy)

Sorry if I appear blunt, First of all I would never allow a female to come over to my home and watch tv with my husband while I was not there. Secondly having your mom and friends come over to check on him (when she should not even be there) is just absurd. Why would you tell him it is OK to have her come over, (that is beyond my understanding) then have them come over to spy on them. You should be telling him that he has to cut ties with her period and NO she will not come to my house to watch tv… Third just thinking of her as a friend type, and not a female.
Didn’t he say she was slender and cute, and tell her husband he is lucky to have her? Sounds to me like he is very aware she is a female…

 

[surfinpure]

I did ask him what she looked like. So that was sort of my fault.

I don’t think it was your fault at all. You asked him for a description. “Slender” may be a fact, but “CUTE” is an opinion – his opinion. You didn’t choose those words for him, he did. So for him to tell you he doesn’t even think of her as FEMALE is absurd.

Please don’t blame yourself so much in this. We all have insecurities about ourselves, and sometimes we feel that our judgment is clouded because of it, but you’ve got several women here telling you you’re not crazy and you’re not overreacting. What your husband is doing is entirely inappropriate – a violation of marital boundaries – and needs to stop.

 

[Nordar]

My dh describes women as attractive…whatever. I share thoughts about some men with him–it’s usually in the context of something else. Not just blurting it out, so I can see your husband’s description as not being out of line…seeing that you asked.

CARJACK…Please, I beg of you. Don’t go see this woman. Who cares if she wants to meet you? You are the one that matters. You don’t want to meet her,but feel drawn to doing it. I pray that you reconsider…pray for her, but that’s about the only smidgen of time I would spend on her. Please…don’t meet with her. I say this out of true heartfelt concern for you, as a sister in Christ…you seem like such a sweetheart. Don’t degrade yourself by meeting this woman. She doesn’t want to be your friend, trust me. Trust us all who are telling you this. ((hugs))

 

[Carjack1]

I am going to call off my friends and my mother. My husband is extremely blunt. His cute and slender comments is nothing… Let’s put it this way… We have been kicked out of 3 houses… and I was told that I can come back, but he can’t.(turtle neck comment is also slight). Should I take a half a day off tomorrow?

 

[whatevergirl]

I am going to call off my friends and my mother. My husband is extremely blunt. His cute and slender comments is nothing… Let’s put it this way… We have been kicked out of 3 houses… and I was told that I can come back, but he can’t.(turtle neck comment is also slight). Should I take a half a day off tomorrow?

so you can be there, you mean? Why is she coming over at all? (I don’t mean to mother you!)

 

[Nordar]

so you can be there, you mean? Why is she coming over at all? (I don’t mean to mother you!)

Exactly! Why is she coming over? Carjack1 You are Married to this man this is your life. Think about this, if you are allowing this woman to come over then asking if you should take a half a day off, your marriage is in big trouble and is not just about this woman.

No you should not take a half a day, she should not be coming over period.

 

[Carjack1]

so you can be there, you mean? Why is she coming over at all? (I don’t mean to mother you!)

I know and I DO appreciate your concern. My husband bought that house 5 years ago before he met me and I feel sort of rude telling him who he can’t and can not invite to the house. Plus I trust him. I also told him she could come, she can’t come, she can come. I am going to be flip flopping which would probably frustrate him. So instead of flopping again, I am going to just trust my husband and meet her Sunday and let her know that I DO NOT appreciate the antics that are being played.

 

[Nordar]

I know and I DO appreciate your concern. My husband bought that house 5 years ago before he met me and I feel sort of rude telling him who he can’t and can not invite to the house. Plus I trust him. I also told him she could come, she can’t come, she can come. I am going to be flip flopping which would probably frustrate him. So instead of flopping again, I am going to just trust my husband and meet her Sunday and let her know that I DO NOT appreciate the antics that are being played.

It makes no difference when he bought the house this is your home and your marriage! Why do you have to meet and tell her that? You husband should be cutting all ties with her then there would be no reason to meet with her. You sound like you are putting all the blme on this woman. She is not the main one at fault here, you husband is a married man and should be behaving like one. You are playing the antics right along with them by allowing this woman to come to you home and meeting with her.

 

[kmleo]

To give my husband credit though, he said if I don’t like her and if I feel something is off, after meeting her, that he will will not talk to her ever again and that he is going to tell her why. I told him that is great because I don’t care about her feelings because obviously she doesn’t care about mine.

My fear is that upon telling him that you dislike her, even if it entirely justified, he will blame you for being disagreeable and again bully you into accepting her as his “friend.” He doesn’t sound like he has been willing to accomodate you or stand up for you in the past, so it’s hard to imagine that in this situation that he’ll suddenly be reasonable.

At the risk of offending any poster on this thread, because I know they are all well-intentioned and we all want to see you come out of this with a stronger marriage and a better sense of self-worth, but… just as you are being encouraged not to be bullied by your husband, also, don’t let us bully you into doing something that doesn’t feel right or blessed or inspired by Jesus. He has a plan for you, and sometimes dealing with these sufferings are just part of our “trials by fire.” Obviously, there is a line that should not be crossed, but I do hope that you are able to discern God’s plan in every step of this situation and wherever it leads.

I’m still praying for you Carjack, and I hope you are praying for yourself. I mentioned before that my DH used to bully me (and still can fall into it from time to time). It has improved with a very simple call for the Holy Spirit to step in whenever I feel unable to defend myself. I hope that you will continually put your trust in Jesus to guide you and your husband toward Him. Many many many prayers for you both!

God bless you!

 

[kevinsgirl]

I know and I DO appreciate your concern. My husband bought that house 5 years ago before he met me and I feel sort of rude telling him who he can’t and can not invite to the house.

This jumped out at me. Carjack, he’s your HUSBAND. Not your roommate or landlord. You both have veto power when it comes to who comes into YOUR house.