Amusing verses in the Bible

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Bezant

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Some of my favourites:

Acts 2:14-15:
"Peter got up, raised his voice and declared to them, ‘These men are not drunk! It is only 9 o’clock in the morning!’ "

2 King 2:23-24:
“As [Elisha] was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.”

Judg. 5:25-27:
He asked for water, [Yael] gave him milk;
She brought him cream in a lordly dish.
She stretched forth her hand to the nail,
Her right hand to the workman’s hammer,
And she smote Sisera; she crushed his head,
She crashed through and transfixed his temple."

1 Cor 11:10:
“It is for this reason that a woman ought to have authority over her own head, because of the angels.”
 
and a young man named Eutychus who was sitting on the window sill was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. Once overcome by sleep, he fell down from the third story and when he was picked up, he was dead. (Acts 20:19)

Paul’s homily went on so long that the guy dozed off and fell out the window!

Paul then goes downstairs, throws himself on the dead guy, proclaims the guy to be alive, goes back upstairs, celebrates the Eucharist, and continues his homily all through the night until the next morning.

-Tim-
 
Bezant said:
Some of my favourites:

Acts 2:14-15:
"Peter got up, raised his voice and declared to them, ‘These men are not drunk! It is only 9 o’clock in the morning!’ "

2 King 2:23-24:
“As [Elisha] was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.”

Judg. 5:25-27:
He asked for water, [Yael] gave him milk;
She brought him cream in a lordly dish.
She stretched forth her hand to the nail,
Her right hand to the workman’s hammer,
And she smote Sisera; she crushed his head,
She crashed through and transfixed his temple."

1 Cor 11:10:
“It is for this reason that a woman ought to have authority over her own head, because of the angels.”
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My sister who is a pious person, never wants me to drink nothing at all. She always brings the story of our grandfather who drank a little bit. He was not not a drunken person but my aunties did not like very much to see him drink.

I used to tease my aunties and sister, all of them pious persons, remembering the Canna wedding, where all had drank to the last drop. And Jesus, moreover through Mary intercession, made a miracle and gave to them liters and liters of good wine. And they had already drank enough !!! amazing, coming from Our Lord Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother.
As a teen, it was an holy argument that always won discussions about wine…
 
[BIBLEDRB]Philippians 3:8[/BIBLEDRB]

Paul considers all things as poop when compared to Christ. I personally think this was an awesome thing for Paul to say. :clapping:
 
Bezant said:
Acts 2:14-15:
"Peter got up, raised his voice and declared to them, ‘These men are not drunk! It is only 9 o’clock in the morning!’ "
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Mother Angelica is quick to point out that, in John 2:2-3 (wedding feast at Cana), the wine didn’t run out until the Apostles arrived!
 
Well, one way of translating Psalm 50:9…
οὐ δέξομαι ἐκ τοῦ οἴκου σου μόσχους
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Non accipiam de domo tua vitulos
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… is “I will take no bull from your family”.

I’m not saying that it’s the best translation for that verse, but still…
 
2 Kings 9:20
New International Version (NIV)
20 The lookout reported, “He has reached them, but he isn’t coming back either. The driving is like that of Jehu son of Nimshi—he drives like a maniac.”
 
I ran across Ecclesiastes 10:2 today:
2 A wise man’s heart inclines him toward the right, but a fool’s heart toward the left.
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.
 
Me, I love the Proverbs:
“The door turns on its hinges, the sluggard, on his bed!” (26:14)
Very punny, Bible.
“Lizards - you can catch them with your hands, yet they find their way into king’s palaces.” (30:28)
I’ll take your word on that one.
 
1 Kings 18:27, where Elijah is competing against the prophets of Baal, who pray and pray all morning and nothing happens to their sacrifice, and Elijah says to them ‘shout louder! Perhaps your god is busy talking, or has gone on a journey, or is asleep and has to be awakened’

Slightly mean spirited but funny.
 
While not actual Bible verses, the International Socieity of Bible Collectors has an hilarious collection of and typographical errors and mistranslations which snuck their way into Bibles over the past centuries.

1638— “Vexing wives” Bible. In a KJV Bible at Num. 25:18 it reads “for they vex you with their wives” instead of “with their wiles.”

biblecollectors.org/articles/curiosities.htm

-Tim-
 
LilyM said:
1 Kings 18:27, where Elijah is competing against the prophets of Baal, who pray and pray all morning and nothing happens to their sacrifice, and Elijah says to them ‘shout louder! Perhaps your god is busy talking, or has gone on a journey, or is asleep and has to be awakened’

Slightly mean spirited but funny.
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Our former Priest told us that some interpretations have Elijah asking if their god is away, going to the bathroom!
 
TimothyH said:
While not actual Bible verses, the International Socieity of Bible Collectors has an hilarious collection of and typographical errors and mistranslations which snuck their way into Bibles over the past centuries.

1638— “Vexing wives” Bible. In a KJV Bible at Num. 25:18 it reads “for they vex you with their wives” instead of “with their wiles.”

biblecollectors.org/articles/curiosities.htm

-Tim-
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OK, here is a cyber-typo from biblegateway.com:

2 Chronicles 9:29
Douay-Rheims 1899 American Edition (DRA)
29 Now the rest of the acts of Solomon first and last are written in the words of Nathan the prophet, and in the boobs of Ahias the Silonite, and in the vision of Addo the seer, against Jeroboam the son of Nabat.

It must have been a really painful tattoo.
 
St. Paul is often accused of not having any humor in his body. On the contrary, he does have a sense of humor, even if a rather dark and morbid one.

Look, I, Paul, am telling you that if you have yourselves circumcised, having Christ won’t help you. Again I swear to every man who has himself circumcised that he is required to do the whole Law. You people who are trying to be made righteous by the Law have been estranged from Christ. You have fallen away from grace! We eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness through the Spirit by faith. Being circumcised or not being circumcised doesn’t matter in Christ Jesus, but faith working through love does matter.

You were running well—who stopped you from obeying the truth? This line of reasoning doesn’t come from the one who calls you. A little yeast works through the whole lump of dough. I’m convinced about you in the Lord that you won’t think any other way. But the one who is confusing you will pay the penalty, whoever that may be. Brothers and sisters, if I’m still preaching circumcision, why am I still being harassed? In that case, the offense of the cross would be canceled. I wish that the ones who are upsetting you would castrate themselves!
 
TimothyH said:
While not actual Bible verses, the International Socieity of Bible Collectors has an hilarious collection of and typographical errors and mistranslations which snuck their way into Bibles over the past centuries.

1638— “Vexing wives” Bible. In a KJV Bible at Num. 25:18 it reads “for they vex you with their wives” instead of “with their wiles.”

biblecollectors.org/articles/curiosities.htm

-Tim-
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How could you fail to mention “Thou shalt commit adultery” and “Printers have persecuted me without cause”? 😃
 
Psalm 137:9

How blessed will be the one who seizes and dashes your little ones Against the rock.

Ezekiel 23:20

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
 
wiggbuggie said:
Psalm 137:9

How blessed will be the one who seizes and dashes your little ones Against the rock.

Ezekiel 23:20

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
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:rotfl:

Winner!!
 
po18guy said:
Our former Priest told us that some interpretations have Elijah asking if their god is away, going to the bathroom!
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I remember it like that too - none of the translations I could find had it though. Much funnier, of course 🙂
 
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