Ah, you say:
Frustration leads to tension. Tension leads to rising blood pressure. And then like a volcano, I sometimes erupt
What you don’t say is this: Why am I frustrated?
Well, you’re frustrated because you have unrealistic expectations. Anger is the emotion we feel when we have the emotional sense that rightful expectations have been violated. It is not a bad emotion, but it will give us a lot of “false positives” if we feed our inner self with false expectations about how the world is going to revolve around treating us the way we would most like to be treated.
What would happen if you started your day accepting that you would have someone cut you off in traffic, and that it would be an opportunity to develop patience? What if you started your day accepting that you would hear people saying things they shouldn’t say, and using it to remind yourself to learn to control your own tongue? What if you started your day accepting that your sister says things she doesn’t mean because she speaks without thinking, your mother tries to meddle in your life because she hasn’t accepted that you are an adult, your brother makes promises he doesn’t keep because he hasn’t learned self-discipline? What if you decided to use the way you respond to faults you know they have in a way to gain mercy for yourself and your own faults, for “
blessed are the merciful, for they will recieve mercy”? You might even learn to cut yourself a little slack and just openly apologize when you fail yourself!
Here’s the rule: When you’re wrong, apologize,
even if you’re not the most wrong. Why? Two reasons: (1) it is pretty common for two people who have wronged each other to downplay their own offense so that both see the other as “most wrong” and (2) even if one really is most wrong, it is far easier for the less-wrong person to apologize than for the worst offender to do it. The worse of the two mutual offenders will often be encouraged to drop defensiveness and apologize if the person who wronged them does it first. The main thing is reconcilation, after all, not accessing blame to three digits of accuracy!
Don’t try to “not be angry.” You can’t “not be” something. Try to positively be something that is opposed to eruptions of anger: that is, try to cultivate a merciful spirit and the virtue of long-suffering.
When you apologize, use the formula that puts the apology LAST and one that invites feedback, so it won’t be an excuse:
NOT: I’m sorry I blew up at you, but I had asked you to wait until I was finished.
BUT RATHER: I asked you to wait until I finished, but I am sorry I blew up at you. That wasn’t OK. I had other ways to ask you to give me a little more time. I hope you will forgive me. I will try to do better next time. Are you OK? Do you have anything you want to suggest?