Annoying friend

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Consecrated:
Memories… a blessing and a curse.

I pray that our precious Mother Mary hold you in her arms, hide you in her mantle, and carry you through this time, guarding you from your own memories. You have happy memories too, I’m sure, with a loving husband and three (and a half!) beautiful children! I pray that those take over! 🙂

May His Will be done in your life.
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Thank you so much, and I do have a WONDERFUL family. It is IMPOSSIBLE to express, how God has used my family (esp. dh) to love deeper than the hurts … My husband has done so much to make me feel safe and cherished … as opposed to unsafe and hurt … that is why I am so defensive of her bringing this “violation” through my front door. I FINALLY have found a safe place … in my home and family … and I resent her trying to disrupt the peace of our sanctuary. It has cost us much suffering as a family to have what we have now, and I am not going to allow her to rob us of what we have gained through hard work, forgiveness and love, a willingness to suffer and the blessings God has given us through these sufferings.

My family has been through SO MUCH already.

Beautiful, Sweet Mother please guide me in your gentle ways.
 
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Ana:
Please don’t hesitate to give advice to me, especially since that’s the point of this thread, isn’t it?😉

I am curious as to what you think could be a worst case scenario. There’s nothing in it, that is not true, nor that I would care if anyone else knew. I just don’t want to give her the opportunity to “blow past” my assertions or agree with me, than ignore what I have said (which has been the case thus far.).
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Another worst case senario is her using the letter to get a restraining order. If she lies and says you call her all the time, come over unnanounced AND you send her stuff in the mail after you she’s asked you not to a restraining order against you could be granted if she is convincing to the judge. Her stories may not hold up after a hearing (she would be lacking records of phone calls, saved messages, other letters, etc) but it could get her foot in the door.

A college professor of mine once advised her class to be careful of what one puts in writing. Yes, a letter (and your photocopy of it) could establish that you were trying to be proactive yet kind in letting her know she was unwelcome but you just never know how it will be used.
 
Ana,

Have you ever considered sitting down with her and an outside party, like it suggests in Matthew 18? Perhaps a minister or someone outside the situation-someone to mediate the conversation for the both of you. Then the three of you can talk about it together and you’d be able to be heard without the fear of her “acting out”-she’ll probably be less-likely to do that with someone else sitting there. Then, that would also give her an opportunity to be heard and, perhaps, not feel threatened.

I’ve done something like this a couple of times when I felt like I was afraid of a person’s reactions if I had to confront them on an issue and it usually works pretty well.

Just a suggestion.

Scout :tiphat:
 
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Ana:
I spent the first couple years offering up my suffering and attempting to be hospitable … but my vocation is not to her … it is to my family and she is hindering me!! If you have read this far and have any advice, I would really appreciate it.
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You were right about your friend being difficult. :bigyikes:
I’m sorry you have someone that is THAT obnoxious in your life. Is she married?
My advice would be to lock the doors and don’t answer them when she comes over, seriously. Sounds like she needs something THAT obvious if she can’t take your hints. :hmmm:
Nothing else really springs to mind.
 
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SemperJase:
When she drops by unannounced, you are under no obligation to let her in.

Don’t hide by closing the blinds and not answering the door. You shouldn’t have to be a prisoner in your own house. Answer the door and say, “I’m sorry, I am busy right now. I will talk to you later.” Then close the door.

It will probably hurt her feelings but you are doing her no favors by allowing her inappropriate behavior to continue.
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I agree, except I’d say it thru the door…no chance of her getting her foot in…

It’s not fun, but sometimes you have to be blunt with people. 😦
 
Well, I thought it ws only fair to “update.” I didn’t respond to the card she sent, nor the one after that. Then she showed up at my door again.

When I answered, she asked if we were “okay.” I felt bad and apologized to her for avoiding her and not taking her calls. But that I really needed some space from her. That I felt our friendship was not bearing good fruit for either of us, and that I could not continue to be in a friendship that was hindering me in my vocation to my family, and that she really needed to be sweating me less, and concentrating on her own duties. She said okay and went away.

Then she sent me another card, and I just wasn’t up to responding. Then she called and I answered the phone because she called from a number that I did not recognize. After a few awkward minutes of stilted conversation, I finally said … “This isn’t working and I think it’s time we went our seperate ways. Please respect my decision and my privacy.” She said okay, and I said goodbye.

It’s been close to a month since then, and other than one time of dropping a bag on my front porch (she didn’t knock), I haven’t seen or heard from her. For the first couple of weeks, I kept “waiting”, but i haven’t heard from her again.

I know this sounds hard to believe, but the my stress level has decreased DRAMATICALLY! My life is normal now. I can’t believe how much of an enrgy drainer she was. I actually have enough time in the day to fulfill my duties and my family life is much more peaceful. My husband and my children have commented on how peaceful things are, because I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, irritated because I constantly feel behind and overwhelmed. It’s amazing how one person could have had such an impact.

The last lingering guilt I had was washed away when I went to confession and was told by the priest that I had not committed any sin, but that I had evaluated a situation and made a decision, and that sometimes it is necessary to say “no.”

I wanted to thank all of you that took the time to advise me and encourage me in ending this “toxic relationship.”

If I could find one word to describe how I feel, it would be FREE!!😃

Thanks again, and God bless all of you!
 
Umm, I hate to be a cynic here, but, she doesn’t look up to you or think you are so great. She’s telling you what she thinks you want to hear. She’s not beaten down or trodden on. She knows what to do, say and look like to keep you. She knows her behaviour would never have been tolerated if she showed her true colours.
You need to tell her to bug off, and NEVER return. Do tell her a very basic reason why, but, make it VERY clear that it is too late and promises to change her behaviour will not reopen the door to her. Give her the suicide number as a pre-emptive strike and that way she’ll know that that won’t work with you anymore.
Do NOT offer to be friends with her later or she’ll just keep bugging you to see if it’s later yet.
Do NOT allow her to play the suicide card. It is what she knows to do to keep you on the hook for her mental health and in her clutches.
Do be prepared for a very dramatic change once the realization that you meant it sets in.
 
Ana:

Good for you and following through on your need to re-gain control of your time, space and focus. You were right to see that what you had with this woman was no longer friendship, but a pathological dependancy and manipulation. It can be hard to overcome the natural inclination to be kind to people or even feel flattered by their attention on you. It’s a tough and sometimes painful lesson, but you clearly did the right thing in breaking away from her.
 
Glad to read the peace you have of ridding your life of this life sucking stalker.
I have had a stalker like this in my life, and it took months for me to get to over the after effects.
 
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Ana:
Well, I thought it ws only fair to “update.” I didn’t respond to the card she sent, nor the one after that. Then she showed up at my door again.

When I answered, she asked if we were “okay.” I felt bad and apologized to her for avoiding her and not taking her calls. But that I really needed some space from her. That I felt our friendship was not bearing good fruit for either of us, and that I could not continue to be in a friendship that was hindering me in my vocation to my family, and that she really needed to be sweating me less, and concentrating on her own duties. She said okay and went away.

Then she sent me another card, and I just wasn’t up to responding. Then she called and I answered the phone because she called from a number that I did not recognize. After a few awkward minutes of stilted conversation, I finally said … “This isn’t working and I think it’s time we went our seperate ways. Please respect my decision and my privacy.” She said okay, and I said goodbye.

It’s been close to a month since then, and other than one time of dropping a bag on my front porch (she didn’t knock), I haven’t seen or heard from her. For the first couple of weeks, I kept “waiting”, but i haven’t heard from her again.

I know this sounds hard to believe, but the my stress level has decreased DRAMATICALLY! My life is normal now. I can’t believe how much of an enrgy drainer she was. I actually have enough time in the day to fulfill my duties and my family life is much more peaceful. My husband and my children have commented on how peaceful things are, because I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, irritated because I constantly feel behind and overwhelmed. It’s amazing how one person could have had such an impact.

The last lingering guilt I had was washed away when I went to confession and was told by the priest that I had not committed any sin, but that I had evaluated a situation and made a decision, and that sometimes it is necessary to say “no.”

I wanted to thank all of you that took the time to advise me and encourage me in ending this “toxic relationship.”

If I could find one word to describe how I feel, it would be FREE!!😃

Thanks again, and God bless all of you!
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Please Ana, don’t forget to pray for this woman.

I know you feel that the right thing has been done, and it sounds like it to me. But, we never know how our actions rebound onto another person. Therefore, just supposing they hurt her feelings, pray for her that she may learn from the experience and change her ways.

In Christ.

Andre.
 
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Magicsilence:
Please Ana, don’t forget to pray for this woman.

I know you feel that the right thing has been done, and it sounds like it to me. But, we never know how our actions rebound onto another person. Therefore, just supposing they hurt her feelings, pray for her that she may learn from the experience and change her ways.

In Christ.

Andre.
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Oh I do!! I’m sure it’s hard to see through my relief, but i do care about her, and I pray for her as well, and I TRULY believe that this decision is best for her and her family. My whole problem to begin with was that I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I couldn’t continue to put her feelings above my vocation.

God bless!
 
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